Lyssy

I had an absolutely horrible nightmare in the middle of the night last night and awoke in a full panic attack. I don’t usually remember my dreams or nightmares, sometimes there may be a faint, fleeting recollection upon waking in the morning but they disappear by the time I have showered. Not last night. It was complete chaos. In the dream rah was in full alcohol melt down. Verbal and mentally abusive and very destructive. I was trying to get away from him but couldn’t. Begging him to "please just leave me alone" like I used to almost every night. The old feelings of despair and entrapment raged inside of me. It was very powerful and I am unsettled today because of it.

I have no idea why I had this nightmare. Thing have been going well. I am working on me, rah is working on himself (maybe not as much as I would like, but I digress – lol). We are planning our first vacation together since he went to detox/rehab and were separated for almost a year. A few minor bumps and turns but overall we are navigating a new life together.

Other ramblings – would like any feedback or input you all see fit.

Things I need to work on is:
Patience – I need to let things happen on their own time. I tend to only see my timeline and not Gods or others timelines. I do good until I don’t, and then I am trying to take back control and “get things done and get them done as I see fit”.

Saying what I need or want. I need to learn how to do this better. I believe that I have been using covert manipulation vs. saying what I want/need. In looking inside, I think I am afraid that I won’t get my way or be told “no” if I simply ask what I want/need. I think this belongs to my inner child’s fears of the same thing – where I was always told NO to things I desired or needed when I was younger. Then it has been reinforced by years of codependent behavior with my (r)AH. Really, what is the worst that can happen if told NO? These are not life or death requests. Maybe because I can't say no if I really need to?

This is also an issue that I have complained about regarding rah - manipulation. Is it normal for us to see behaviors in others that are actually our flaws and not recognize them in ourselves?

Re-listening to Codependency No More –every time I do, I get something more out of it. I also realize that there is growth as I have actually begun doing some of what is suggested in dealing with certain situations. I believe this is the 4th time listening to it. The first being about 10 years ago.

I know I don't post much. I don't post much anywhere so don't take it personally. But thanks for listening and thanks for being here.

honeypig

Hi, Lyssy--your posts are always welcome here, however frequent or infrequent they may be, don't worry about that.

Dreams are a mystery. Sometimes I can see "why" I may have dreamed a particular thing, other times it seems pure craziness. In your case, it may just be your mind still trying to process all the crap you dealt with in the past. I'm currently reading a book called "The Body Keeps the Score", about trauma and the effects it has, even years and years later--maybe you'd benefit from doing some reading on that topic also if you're looking to understand why you'd have a dream like you did even when everything seems to be going well.

Regarding your "things to work on"--welcome to SR, and actually, welcome to the human race! I have the same problems. Some days I do a little better, some a little worse. Overall, though, I think I do better than I did a year ago or 5 years ago, so I just keep on making the best effort I can, trusting that I'll keep on improving if I keep on working it...

One thing this site has really taught me is how much alike we all are, in an awful lot of ways. It's surely made a difference in my view of the world and the others in it.

FeelingGreat

Dreams or nightmares often reflect our fears. If you're both making progress now, the nightmare could just be nervousness about returning to the old ways. Alcoholics who are making a sound recovery often dream about drinking again, but not in a good way, more like something they dread happening. They feel enormous relief when they wake up.
I agree with you about asking directly for what you want. I think men often appreciate this, rather than being expected to interpret hints. And you can be direct without being harsh.

LemonGirl

I'm remembering a scene from that movie "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood", where the daughter's husband/fiancé says "....it's like she's just waiting for the bottom to drop out from under her..."
And he is told "....well that's because it had dear..."

All the trauma she went through made it difficult to accept that good things can happen to her.... that is was okay for her embrace a healthy and loving life and that just because something happened in the past, it didn't mean that something bad was going to happen in the future.

Eventually she learned to trust and have faith.

I think that is so relatable for those of us who went through someone's active drinking.
Dreams often reflect our deepest fears or thoughts; our subconcious expresses to ourselves what we cannot express in our wake.

Maybe it is a feeling that since everything is going well, that the "bad stuff" is just lurking around the corner...

I am certainly no expert on this! Lol... I fudge this up for myself all the time! But I am learning that literally living for today... one day at a time... just for today... is the only way I can manage my fears.

Thanx for posting! This is a good topic for many of us...