Did I do the right thing? I feel terrible
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Did I do the right thing? I feel terrible
After a 2 year long distance relationship, we decided to move in together. I moved to his city leaving everything behind me: family, job, friends. He was the love of my life. I knew he liked to drink, but being there with him 24/7 made me face reality. Before moving into our apartment we spent a couple weeks visiting his family (he lived with them for the summer to save some money), when we were there I was happy to see that during that summer he couldn't have possibly drunk because his family was there the entire time, until he showed me all the vodka bottles he had hidden (at least 30), according to him he drank a lot less when I was with him. I guess I still hoped to be together under the same roof and him realizing he didn't have to drink because why would he? we were supposed to be happy and make things work out. Stupid me. While at his parents, I noticed he would always hide his phone from me. Why? I think I asked him a couple times about that and all he said was that I should respect his privacy, but he was so defensive about it. One morning I woke up very early, he was still in bed and I saw his phone in a drawer. I grabbed it and read conversations he had been having with other women asking: would you be interested in being friends with benefits? , older messages from the beginning of our relationship asking a woman if she would like to come over and spend the night with him. There it was! I wasn't paranoid or anything. My gut told me something was wrong. I immediately confronted him about it, I was shaking and feeling confused. He wakes up and says that years ago he opened an account in POF and he never met the person; when I asked about the other b* he said he was drunk when he wrote all of that and he didn't even remember sending those texts. I told him to be honest with me 100%. That was the only way I could possibly stay there. I was not expecting what he had to say next. He admitted texting other people, making out with a girl, and....sleeping with another woman. I seriously was not expecting any of that! So much was going through my head like: okay so all I've done for the past 2 years is waited to be with him and was never unfaithful, maybe the texting and making out could have been forgiven? (maybe not) but seriously you went that far?!. I want to go back home! I want to feel loved and protected by people who really care about me!. I didn't know what to do. He said he was drunk when it happened and that it was just one time(yeah right).When he did all those shady things all he had to say was "I was drunk". That's not an excuse!! I did not recognize him anymore, I felt so dirty after realizing I've been with him. I hated him for what he did, but still loved him. Stupid me again. I told him I decided to go back home cause I couldn't be there anymore. It was killing me. We were in his car by this time. He pulls over and proposes. He said he couldn't let me go and he was planning on proposing in a couple months when us would be living together but due to the situation he had to do it in that moment. A light of hope was there for me. He was willing to be with me for good and have a family. Just what I 've always wanted. For a second I was happy again. I said yes. The next days were weird, but we managed to continue as a couple. We moved into our new place, and it only took a couple days for me to realize he started to buy bottles of alcohol. No one in my family drinks, so was that normal?... I didn't say anything. By the second week, after seeing him drink a lot by himself I finally said something: are you going to drink more tonight? (after one huge glass of wine)...He flipped out and said: I was not planning on drinking more but now that you said that I'm getting drunk tonight!. I was not in the mood to fight so I just went to bed. After an hour he comes to the room and threw a rose(one he got me earlier that day)to my face and goes back to his drink. At 5am I realized he was still watching TV, all the lights in the apartment were on, the TV volume was at its top and he was passed out in the middle of the living room with the bottle of wine almost gone. I tried to wake him up and bring him back to bed but it wasn't possible. I turned all the lights off and went back to bed really angry. In a couple hours he woke up (still drunk) and came to bed. I am so angry at myself for putting up with all of that! All the nights that he passed out and then him coming back to bed to try to do it with me. I feel so used and disgusting. I tried talking to him many times, and he would always say that with me he drinks a lot less. That he drinks just as an average 25 year old guy, and that I wasn't his mom. One of my good friends invited me to her place on a friday night. I spent the night there. When she took me back home the next day at noon, we entered the apartment and found him passed out in the living room. Several glasses around him and a huge bottle of whisky GONE! Everything around him was a mess! She immediately noticed it. She said I didn't deserve to be living that on a daily basis, and she took me back to her place for the rest of the day. At 7pm when he finally woke up he called me and said really angry why hadn't I come back home all day!?I told him I did and I even tried to wake him up but he was passed out. He didn't believe I went there earlier in the day. He told me well I'm a drunk and yes I'm a drunk!! I talked to my parents and they said I needed to come back home cause he is an alcoholic and there's nothing I can do about it. I told them that maybe its because he hasn't started classes yet, and once he got his schedule all set again he won't drink as much. I talked to my boyfriend once again and told him that we needed to look for help, that I was getting sick, and I didn't know how to handle the situation. He said if I would be more carefree regarding his drinking issue everything would be better. I just wanted school to begin, so I could proof myself that it was going to change. The first day of class was wonderful for him, we had a great day, or so I thought. I went to bed at 1am, and he told me he was going to watch some TV and come back to bed. I said you are not going to drink right?, and he said don't worry I'm just going to watch some TV. He came back a couple hours later smelling like alcohol and fell asleep. I woke up and found an empty whisky bottle in the trash. I confronted him about it and he said he just had a sip and threw away the rest. Of course after a minute he said he drank it all. I packed my stuff and he got aggressive throwing everything all over the room, punching walls and saying he was fine, he was not drunk he just needed a drink to be able to sleep. He started telling me the reasons why I wasn't "wife worthy", and that he was not going to go to AlAnon cause he was not ready to stop drinking for good, he wants to keep being a "normal 25 year old guy". According to him the only solution for the problem was that I ignore every time he drinks, that way we wouldn't have any fights. And because I asked him about that whisky bottle all he wanted to do in that moment was getting drunk, that it was all my falutl :'( I was crying so much because I don't think I've ever had a fight like that in my life. After a few minutes he completely changed and told me to come cuddle with him that he would protect me. What the hell?I felt gone and numb. Why was I there? Who was that person?Is this what I want for the rest of my life? Deep inside of me something was telling me: this is just the beginning, it is not going to get better, only worse. He tried to kiss me, but those kisses I enjoyed once now smelled like alcohol and came from a person who was not even able to take care of himself; how could I expect him to take care of me?. He skipped his morning classes and left for one he had in the afternoon. He told me he was sorry and he would try his hardest to make our thing work. While he was gone I packed my stuff, bought a ticket and came back home. He called me when I was close to my house and begged me to come back, then he said that someday I will regret leaving him and that I quit; that I didn't try my hardest for it to work and that I quit!! I told him for these past 2 years I've never worked for something this hard in my entire life. I wish you the best, I wish you accomplish all your goals, and I really hope you stop drinking for your own good. Since I've been home I won't deny it feels weird to not have him in my life anymore, but I feel so relieved. So relieved that when I wake up I don't have to go and check out the kitchen to see how much alcohol he had the previous night; so relieved about not having to check anybody's phone for inappropriate messages. I am the owner of my life now. These days I've slept better that ever, those nightmares I used to have while being next to him are gone. I'm still sad and I still check my phone to see if he calls or texts. Stupid me again. But idk somehow I feel I made the right decision and I did try my hardest!!he was the one who gave up a long time ago. If you made it through here thanks for your time. I feel better and weird at the same time. I still love him, but if he was not ready to quit drinking I had nothing to do next to him. Please let me know what you think about this story. I put my heart in it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
You absolutely did the right thing. With long-distance relationships, it's too easy to fool the other person because they aren't there to see what really goes on. I'm glad you found the strength to leave and I hope you will cut off all contact with him. You now know the truth and you know he lies and you can't believe a word he says.
You deserve better.
You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR dear heart!
I know your heart is broken. But this partner was not a partner to you. He was and remains a partner to alcohol and then uses it as an excuse to do whatever he wants. You were wise to pack it in with all the red flags. Very very wise!
I know your heart is broken. But this partner was not a partner to you. He was and remains a partner to alcohol and then uses it as an excuse to do whatever he wants. You were wise to pack it in with all the red flags. Very very wise!
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
You absolutely did the right thing. Don't question it for a second. No one deserves to live like he expected you to.
Stay strong and know you are worthy of a healthy love. Enjoy your peace and don't look back. There is NOTHING for you to regret. You did what so many others on here take years and sometimes decades to accomplish. And you didn't marry him. And you didn't get pregnant. So glad you're out of there.
Stay strong and know you are worthy of a healthy love. Enjoy your peace and don't look back. There is NOTHING for you to regret. You did what so many others on here take years and sometimes decades to accomplish. And you didn't marry him. And you didn't get pregnant. So glad you're out of there.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Golden heart you saved yourself a world of grief. It's normal for As to blame their partners, parents, teachers (you name it) for everything so they can deflect attention from their own responsibility.
Unfortunately your AXBF seems to be progressing fast from wine to spirits. He's resistant to treatment and until he gets to that point there's not much anyone can do.
I'm so glad you had the ability to leave before marriage and children; you'll never regret your choice.
Unfortunately your AXBF seems to be progressing fast from wine to spirits. He's resistant to treatment and until he gets to that point there's not much anyone can do.
I'm so glad you had the ability to leave before marriage and children; you'll never regret your choice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Yes!
1,000 times yes you did the right thing. Good for you. 😊
Originally Posted by Goldenheart747 
After a 2 year long distance relationship, we decided to move in together. I moved to his city leaving everything behind me: family, job, friends. He was the love of my life. I knew he liked to drink, but being there with him 24/7 made me face reality. Before moving into our apartment we spent a couple weeks visiting his family (he lived with them for the summer to save some money), when we were there I was happy to see that during that summer he couldn't have possibly drunk because his family was there the entire time, until he showed me all the vodka bottles he had hidden (at least 30), according to him he drank a lot less when I was with him. I guess I still hoped to be together under the same roof and him realizing he didn't have to drink because why would he? we were supposed to be happy and make things work out. Stupid me. While at his parents, I noticed he would always hide his phone from me. Why? I think I asked him a couple times about that and all he said was that I should respect his privacy, but he was so defensive about it. One morning I woke up very early, he was still in bed and I saw his phone in a drawer. I grabbed it and read conversations he had been having with other women asking: would you be interested in being friends with benefits? , older messages from the beginning of our relationship asking a woman if she would like to come over and spend the night with him. There it was! I wasn't paranoid or anything. My gut told me something was wrong. I immediately confronted him about it, I was shaking and feeling confused. He wakes up and says that years ago he opened an account in POF and he never met the person; when I asked about the other b* he said he was drunk when he wrote all of that and he didn't even remember sending those texts. I told him to be honest with me 100%. That was the only way I could possibly stay there. I was not expecting what he had to say next. He admitted texting other people, making out with a girl, and....sleeping with another woman. I seriously was not expecting any of that! So much was going through my head like: okay so all I've done for the past 2 years is waited to be with him and was never unfaithful, maybe the texting and making out could have been forgiven? (maybe not) but seriously you went that far?!. I want to go back home! I want to feel loved and protected by people who really care about me!. I didn't know what to do. He said he was drunk when it happened and that it was just one time(yeah right).When he did all those shady things all he had to say was "I was drunk". That's not an excuse!! I did not recognize him anymore, I felt so dirty after realizing I've been with him. I hated him for what he did, but still loved him. Stupid me again. I told him I decided to go back home cause I couldn't be there anymore. It was killing me. We were in his car by this time. He pulls over and proposes. He said he couldn't let me go and he was planning on proposing in a couple months when us would be living together but due to the situation he had to do it in that moment. A light of hope was there for me. He was willing to be with me for good and have a family. Just what I 've always wanted. For a second I was happy again. I said yes. The next days were weird, but we managed to continue as a couple. We moved into our new place, and it only took a couple days for me to realize he started to buy bottles of alcohol. No one in my family drinks, so was that normal?... I didn't say anything. By the second week, after seeing him drink a lot by himself I finally said something: are you going to drink more tonight? (after one huge glass of wine)...He flipped out and said: I was not planning on drinking more but now that you said that I'm getting drunk tonight!. I was not in the mood to fight so I just went to bed. After an hour he comes to the room and threw a rose(one he got me earlier that day)to my face and goes back to his drink. At 5am I realized he was still watching TV, all the lights in the apartment were on, the TV volume was at its top and he was passed out in the middle of the living room with the bottle of wine almost gone. I tried to wake him up and bring him back to bed but it wasn't possible. I turned all the lights off and went back to bed really angry. In a couple hours he woke up (still drunk) and came to bed. I am so angry at myself for putting up with all of that! All the nights that he passed out and then him coming back to bed to try to do it with me. I feel so used and disgusting. I tried talking to him many times, and he would always say that with me he drinks a lot less. That he drinks just as an average 25 year old guy, and that I wasn't his mom. One of my good friends invited me to her place on a friday night. I spent the night there. When she took me back home the next day at noon, we entered the apartment and found him passed out in the living room. Several glasses around him and a huge bottle of whisky GONE! Everything around him was a mess! She immediately noticed it. She said I didn't deserve to be living that on a daily basis, and she took me back to her place for the rest of the day. At 7pm when he finally woke up he called me and said really angry why hadn't I come back home all day!?I told him I did and I even tried to wake him up but he was passed out. He didn't believe I went there earlier in the day. He told me well I'm a drunk and yes I'm a drunk!! I talked to my parents and they said I needed to come back home cause he is an alcoholic and there's nothing I can do about it. I told them that maybe its because he hasn't started classes yet, and once he got his schedule all set again he won't drink as much. I talked to my boyfriend once again and told him that we needed to look for help, that I was getting sick, and I didn't know how to handle the situation. He said if I would be more carefree regarding his drinking issue everything would be better. I just wanted school to begin, so I could proof myself that it was going to change. The first day of class was wonderful for him, we had a great day, or so I thought. I went to bed at 1am, and he told me he was going to watch some TV and come back to bed. I said you are not going to drink right?, and he said don't worry I'm just going to watch some TV. He came back a couple hours later smelling like alcohol and fell asleep. I woke up and found an empty whisky bottle in the trash. I confronted him about it and he said he just had a sip and threw away the rest. Of course after a minute he said he drank it all. I packed my stuff and he got aggressive throwing everything all over the room, punching walls and saying he was fine, he was not drunk he just needed a drink to be able to sleep. He started telling me the reasons why I wasn't "wife worthy", and that he was not going to go to AlAnon cause he was not ready to stop drinking for good, he wants to keep being a "normal 25 year old guy". According to him the only solution for the problem was that I ignore every time he drinks, that way we wouldn't have any fights. And because I asked him about that whisky bottle all he wanted to do in that moment was getting drunk, that it was all my falutl :'( I was crying so much because I don't think I've ever had a fight like that in my life. After a few minutes he completely changed and told me to come cuddle with him that he would protect me. What the hell?I felt gone and numb. Why was I there? Who was that person?Is this what I want for the rest of my life? Deep inside of me something was telling me: this is just the beginning, it is not going to get better, only worse. He tried to kiss me, but those kisses I enjoyed once now smelled like alcohol and came from a person who was not even able to take care of himself; how could I expect him to take care of me?. He skipped his morning classes and left for one he had in the afternoon. He told me he was sorry and he would try his hardest to make our thing work. While he was gone I packed my stuff, bought a ticket and came back home. He called me when I was close to my house and begged me to come back, then he said that someday I will regret leaving him and that I quit; that I didn't try my hardest for it to work and that I quit!! I told him for these past 2 years I've never worked for something this hard in my entire life. I wish you the best, I wish you accomplish all your goals, and I really hope you stop drinking for your own good. Since I've been home I won't deny it feels weird to not have him in my life anymore, but I feel so relieved. So relieved that when I wake up I don't have to go and check out the kitchen to see how much alcohol he had the previous night; so relieved about not having to check anybody's phone for inappropriate messages. I am the owner of my life now. These days I've slept better that ever, those nightmares I used to have while being next to him are gone. I'm still sad and I still check my phone to see if he calls or texts. Stupid me again. But idk somehow I feel I made the right decision and I did try my hardest!!he was the one who gave up a long time ago. If you made it through here thanks for your time. I feel better and weird at the same time. I still love him, but if he was not ready to quit drinking I had nothing to do next to him. Please let me know what you think about this story. I put my heart in it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Golden
You did the right thing for YOU. I know it hurts, we all know. Please just count yourself lucky that you were not married to him or had any children with him that would be witness to his illness. My heart goes out to you.....please take care of you!
Ro
You did the right thing for YOU. I know it hurts, we all know. Please just count yourself lucky that you were not married to him or had any children with him that would be witness to his illness. My heart goes out to you.....please take care of you!
Ro
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Take credit for making a decision that so many of us didn't when we should have. You have saved yourself a lifetime of pain, doubt and sadness. And all those who love you. I spent 21 years with a 'problem' drinker. Every kind of abuse and torment. Divorced 2002, he died in the spring of this year. The memories and regret don't go away. I am so happy to hear that you have spared yourself the wasted years. Best to you 
Good luck with school !
Hugs, Joie
Good luck with school ! Hugs, Joie
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