amy55

I have many things building up and triggering me, but I am not letting them get to me, but they are still in my head, so the only way I know of to get rid of these things is to write it down. I really am just sitting here and saying "let go, let God, and I am doing well. Keeping myself off the phone, and mostly from email.

Perhaps I should talk about the email first, since it's the only thing that I have done.

When I got divorced I signed off on his pension about survivors benefits, in lieu of a life insurance policy that would decrease yearly by the amount of alimony that I receive, according to the life expectancy chart. I checked on these policies this week. I am actually supposed to get cancelled checks to prove that he paid these, but, sometimes you really do need to pick your battles. I can get the info thru email, and the person I communicate with responds timely. Like the same day or the next day. So I find out that his last payment was not processed because he changed banks. So I just forwarded this email to him with nothing else.

This policy does not cover all of the expected loss of his pension to me if he dies, so he needed another one. I checked that one also. He is covered till 9/16/2015. Yes, I know that is today. He does have a 31 day grace period, so I sent him an email about that also.

Need to say that I feel lucky right now, because he had to get a lawyer about the alimony. It was being garnished from his paycheck, but he is now retired. Problem here is that we are both getting a government pension, and his was split, but mine wasn't. I can't stop the probation dept from sending him letters, because even after both pensions are divided, he will still owe me money, and that is why he went back to his attorney again.

Now I can start sending things to this attorney about the lack of payment on his life insurance policy. I decided to let him know first, so that I could have enough documentation to go with filing for a motion for contempt of court. So I am not worried about this, it is just annoying. I will obtain a lawyer if I need to, and if it does come down to contempt of court, he will also have to pay my attorney.

Remember, just ranting. I thought he would be gone, he just keeps coming back....................

Next rant...............

My niece is getting married. My oldest daughter (the drama queen), offered for me to stay at her in-laws vacation house. It was going to be really nice. Me and my 3 children. Now I am finding out from my sister that she is inviting many people to stay there. People with children. This house had 4 bedrooms. She told me that her MIL was watching her kids, at her house. Now all of a sudden she is offering MIL services to a lot of other kids, at the vacation house. It's like everyone who has a child, has a room. Which means I would be sleeping on the floor. My son's wedding. We rented a house. I paid half of the rent, and slept on the floor. Not enough bedrooms.

-----------

My daughter called me last week, she was crying, told me that my grandson had mono, but they were waiting for a blood test to confirm this. Said she would call me back. She didn't.


I talked to my sister yesterday, he doesn't have mono. Still not sure of anything, I tried calling, she never answers anyway.

I got use to this. It sort of like if she doesn't call me back crying, then nothing is really wrong.

I'm just tired of everything.

For the wedding, I will be renting a hotel room. If I didn't live close to 4 hours away, I would just drive home.

LexieCat

Hotel room sounds like a GREAT idea. If I were you, I think I'd pass on any "plans" this daughter comes up with that would leave you high and dry if she drops the ball. Just say you're earning frequent-stay points or something.

And you don't have to send anything directly to him to file a motion. Deal with his lawyer. It's one of our few virtues, lol (lawyers, that is)--you can deal with the lawyer. And actually, you don't even HAVE to let his lawyer know. If you're trying to save yourself the court proceeding, though, a note to the lawyer that the payment hasn't been made should be sufficient.

Hugs, keep breathing!

aasharon90

If you memorize the Serenity Prayer too
then you can have another prayer to say
when and wherever you are.

When I was going thru my divorce which
went smoothly and no complications, my
now husband helped me by suggesting
what would work in that situation.

Keeping the verbal communication
out of the equation would eliminate
the emotional rollercoaster in it.

We let our lawyers take care of everything
so we didn't have to personally communicate
with each other.

I know everyones situation is different
so all I can do is share what worked for
me when going thru my own divorce.

My now husband has taught me and im
still learning this, that when asked a question
just answer it. Don't divulge extra information
which is what id usually do.

Answer the question yes or no or whatever
it is and that's it. I didn't and don't need to
share anymore than what is asked in the
question.

When I firmly believe in my Higher Power
and place all my struggles in His Hands then
I know without a doubt He will take care
of me and my situation. It may not happen
in a blink of an eye or when I want it which
is emmediately, but always in His time as
He sees fit for me.

It took 25 yrs marriage and living a
recovery life for Him to grant me a
reprieve and a way out of my marriage
when I thought I would remain in my
unhappy marriage for life.

He once again plucked me from a
situation and placed me where I
need to be today and what an awesome
gift to appreciate, treasure, be grateful
for.

I always know that im never alone
as long as I stay strong in my faith
and recovery.

Stay strong for urself too.

amy55

Thanks,

Problem with where I sleep for the wedding has been settled. This reception place in Long Island Beach NJ has I think 7 bedrooms upstairs. My mother has one of the bedrooms and since her SO isn't coming in for the wedding, (doing chemo) my mom has room for me. The bedrooms are part of the wedding package, so this will not cost me anything.

The ex, well I just sent him that one email thing. If I get no response, since he does have an attorney I will send this attorney a note next week. I don't want to do it now, since the last time he had an attorney with the pension division since I did it pro se, he fired that attorney, because he was also paying for my replies.

I don't think that it will come to "contempt of court", because basically he does have the policies now, and is within his grace period to pay the premium, and he would be pretty stupid not to pay them, since it will cost him more to get new policies. He just really aggravates me !!!!! (lol) Most times I just laugh at the ridiculous stuff I get from him.

Last week I got something from his pension evaluators. It was a document that they had figured out the split on my pension division, and it showed that I owe my ex $39,000. My ex is convinced that my pension should have been divided retroactive to our divorce. That is not what the divorce decree stated. It stated that both of our pensions would be divided when he retires. I had already emailed his attorney last week to please advise your client that I do not owe him $39,000. , and to please explain the divorce decree to your client.

He is trying to push my buttons now, but it isn't working. I do know what I was awarded in my divorce.

His attorney, a very nice man. My attorney commented to me on the day of my divorce that when she met "Bob" (his attorney) for the first time, he didn't have any gray hair, she said, now look at him. This was as we watched Bob yelling at my ex. She also told me that she had never seen Bob lose his temper till that day. (lol) I guess my ex can make anyone lose their temper.

So................ Next week if I do not receive proof of payment of life insurance policy, I will email Bob, (his attorney). Just one email. If the policies are not paid, and they are cancelled, then I will get my lawyer back and proceed to court to file the motion for contempt of court.

If I ever get divorced again, which is highly unlikely, since I don't even want to date, I will never have anything in the divorce decree that is contingent of another person doing something that is ordered by the court.

The good thing that will happen because of all of this, after my pension is divided, his attorney will be submitted the paperwork for the change in the amount to be garnished from my ex's pension. I thought I would have to do that. Also my ex wanted to just send me the alimony. His lawyer doesn't even want to hear about that.

I know that for the rest of my life I will have to check quarterly to make sure the premium was paid for the life insurance policies.

Guess I just wish that with the divorce, it would have truly made him "just go away". If I knew then, what I know now, I would have elected the survivor benefit, just so that I wouldn't have had to deal with him anymore.

amy

LexieCat

Yup, something for everyone who is divorcing to consider. Minor children mean you HAVE to keep dealing with the other party--at least while they are minor--but beyond that, unless you literally could not survive without alimony, it's WAY better to end any obligations at the earliest possible time.

amy55

You know Lexie, you are absolutely right. I started getting my gov pension at age 45. I was diagnosed with 2 cancers soon after I retired. Went for chemo treatment for a year. He "upped" his abuse after that. I don't know why, perhaps it was because he thought he was going to lose me, (to death), and now wanted to make sure that he wouldn't lose me again. The abuse then was horrific.

There was really no reason why when I left that I couldn't get a job. I could have. My thinking was that since I was a gov worker and even if I did get a job, that my social security would be reduced unless if I had 30 years of work in outside employment, so that I could get a full social security check upon retirement. I was also vengeful and resentful. I wanted him to pay for all the years that he abused me. (or I know think I want to put this another way, "for all the years that I allowed him to abuse me".

I know now that instead of the house that I got, (which needed a lot of work, and money), I would have been happy in a single wide. That was something I could have afforded even on my pension. I would have been away from him, and I would have been happy. Now I am reminded of him every 3 months when I have to check to see if he is doing what the divorce decree awarded me.

Actually, I would have been better off getting back into the workforce then. Instead I continued to isolate myself. I'm a lot better now, I go out everyday, but I wasn't back then. Not depending on alimony would have forced me to continue with life. I wasn't living back then, I was surviving one day to the next day. I was wallowing in self pity.

I'm really glad that I did post this rant of mine, because, as I am thinking about things right now, I did think these then, but I just wanted to wallow. I wasted 5 years of my life. This is taking me a long time to write this, because I am sitting here thinking.

I didn't want to get a job, because that might have reduced my alimony. I just wanted him to pay !!!!!!

Now that he is retired, I am getting what I am legally entitled to, and so will he. So in my divorce decree I elected to sign off of survivors benefits, which would have been a small reduction in my monthly payments, but now I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. See if he dies, I no longer get part of his pension, that was why he needed the life insurance policies. My income would be drastically reduced, by about 50%.

I actually sold my soul to the devil for about $100. a month. That's all my monthly check would have gone down if I didn't sign off of the survivor benefit.

I really do wish I knew then, what I know now.

amy

biminiblue

((amy))

Just think of this annoyance as your job, a way to get the money. You have to put up with a bit of discomfort in order to get paid. You really don't have to talk to him at all. Let his attorney deal with it.

When we know better we do better. It's okay that you had some spite in you, totally understandable. It's okay. Do whatcha gotta do to get paid. If it's any consolation, it probably annoys him too.

and another ((amy))

amy55

Hi, another amy, Thanks, this made me laugh.

I do consider it another job of mine. I now have it marked on my calendar to check on this every 3 months.

I know this annoys him, because he doesn't like to be told what to do, but I do have the courts behind me.

I went through 5 months last year fighting with him via his pension evaluators that the divorce decree did not state that we use his "net" pension, and use my "gross" pension for the division.

I think my only worry here is that he will take out his aggression on
his live-in gf, who will tell him to GTFO, and that he will move back to NJ. He is now conveniently 14 hour car ride from me. And I like it that way.

amy

hopeful4

That really stinks. I have children w/my X, so obviously we have to communicate. I look forward to the day that I never have to speak to him again. It's going to be a while, my youngest is only 9. However, until then, I have as little of communication as possible, and I try to not let him upset the rhythm of my own life.

Many hugs to you.

theuncertainty

((((hugs))))
Well, if he does and if she does, it doesn't necessarily mean that he'll move closer. AXH moved 3000 miles away with the current GF. Maybe your X would move closer, maybe he wouldn't. Either way, it's not something you can control and it's not something that has happened yet. As hard as it is, this is one worry you can push to the side.