Timetoheal12

I guess this is an update on how everything's been going since I started to attach more and more from my mom's controlling habits towards me.
I no longer apologize to her if I know I am not in the wrong, but I try to help in the house a lot more and whenever she makes a suggestion on how to make things better (in a given situation) I simply thank her for it.

However, there was this day when she even yelled at me for not saying the exact words she told me to a friend of mine. She said that the way I said "bye" to him when he left me at our doorstep was rude and I know it wasn't. But she got really mad at me for it.

And today she ignored me most of the day (she also cried most of the day) but just a few minutes ago she came to my room to ask me if I had spoke bad about her with my brother (this never happened, I never talk about our parents with him at all, and we actually don't talk that much as he is busy doing his job and so am I). She was completely angry and it seemed so paranoid to me how she makes up all this stories in her head.
I haven't said ANYTHING about her in another place than here and I'm pretty sure that my brother doesn't even knows this forum exists.

Why does she acts this way? What she thought seemed completely irrational to me.


She (still) is always upset at my alcoholic dad. As far as we know, he isn't drinking anymore, but his behavior towards her is still abusive, so I understand why she is upset in this scenario.

He has been treating me better, but he is still emotionally unavailable, so nothing has really changed, at least on a deeper level.
I'm trying to re-discover myself.
Another update is, well, about exabf.
The guy sent me a letter and I opened it.
He basically wrote that he has finally found a girl with the same "monsters" than him. She accepts him for who he is and he has finally found love (monsters: issues).
He says she doesn't care about the things I overreacted about.
He thanked me and wished me luck.

Nobody was home earlier today so I picked up the letter and my curiosity kinda took the best of me.
If I had been stronger I would have probably threw it into the toilet or something, but I didn't.

Maybe my thoughts are just messed up right now, but I guess this words are a trigger for me since I have never had a person "love me for who I am".... His words made me think about how the relationship with him was and about how he always convinced me of being a person who couldn't love anyone.

He said we weren't compatible and I thought (I somehow still think this way) he was right and I thought it was bad that we couldn't be compatible. I don't want to think this way. Some days I'm convinced it wasn't bad and others are just harder.

I don't know...I will not respond, that is for sure.

In other areas of my life... I think I'm improving.

Katchie

I'm glad you're finding areas of improvement. I don't know all of your background, but you sound like youre making headway.
So you read his letter...oh well. Don't let it bother you if it's possible. Sounds like the letter was only meant to hurt you by waving in your face he has a girlfriend who is an alcoholic too. Sounds like a swell couple! Try to be thankful that you're not caught up in that and find your place of peace.
Hugs

Refiner

Ok, first off, your mom sounds like she's nuts. Sry, but she does. Lashing out at you for stupid stuff and stumbling around crying all day? She's the target of ole dad's abuse and is breaking down and taking things out on you IMO. Bad for her. Not fair to you. THEN there's the Xabf writing you a letter... I'm assuming a snail mail letter? How dramatic of him. SO he's rubbing your face in his new happiness and your mistakes and loss - HA! How mature of him. Well guess what? It won't work out. The monsters will eventually eat away at their cozy little love nest. And I'll bet you won't get a letter then! Keep focusing on those improvements and detach from the drama you're surrounded by, is what I offer!

FeelingGreat

TTH, detaching from your mother when she's irrational or highly emotional is a great strategy, because there isn't any point in engaging with her. She sounds terribly vulnerable and might be having some sort of breakdown. Is there any chance of her going to Al-anon or seeing a counsellor?
I admire what you're doing to help her around the house. She's obviously struggling and the occasional hug or some show of consideration will go a long way.
Your exabf's letter is a classic. Translation: he's found another alcoholic, and can drink as much as he likes. It's an ideal situation for him, but it's not healthy because drinking too much is bad for his health.
The person you will eventually find will love you for yourself, not how much they can drink with you.

LexieCat

Everything FG said.

Hugs,

Timetoheal12

So today she lashed out at me she lashed out at me. She said she couldn't trust me since I went out with exabf behind her back (and this is true, I went back to him the last time behind her back). And this is what made her believe that I was the one who talked badly about heer with my brother (this isn't true).
I told her I already had apologized for that and explained to her that I needed to go back to exabf because the last time she was the one who basically made me break up with him, and I wanted to take my own decision. I thanked her for worrying about me and I told her that even though I'm still very hurt, I wouldn't get back together with him anymore.

I told her I love her, and she cried.


And about exabf, yes, but I mean, why did he felt necessary to let me know that he found someone who is more compatible with him? I didn't wanted to know and it makes no sense. I hate how he seems to still want to hurt/control me. Or at least that is how I see this move of his.

Thanks for your replies. I will be kind with my mom as I understand what she is going trough with my dad... But I will not let attack me with unreasonable stuff.

LexieCat

The guy is a jerk. He's BEEN a jerk and he continues to be a jerk. I suspect he's upset you haven't run back to him like a puppy dog. Continue to IGNORE. Remember, he's counting on your reading this crap and feeling bad. Toss the next one, and if they keep coming, look into that protective order.

With your mom, I suspect she's being super-protective and controlling of you because she's so helpless when it comes to her husband. Your brother must have somehow hurt her feelings (in her mind, anyway), so you are the go-to person to blame.

I wish you didn't have to live in that house--it sounds very stressful for you. Do you see friends and go out--even shopping or for walks?

I like your new avatar, BTW. My sons were both huge manga fans.

Timetoheal12

Well....I hope he gets tired of being a jerk with me and goes somewhere else to be a jerk far away.
I have to wait til I finish college to become independent. Only 1 and a half years are left for this to happen.
I don't blame her. I know she is highly emotional because dad is sick and she feels like she wasted her life by his side. I too would feel sad for that. But I don't like it when she takes it out on me, and I am glad that I'm finally seeing things more clearly.
Yes, I do go out with friends and go to run everyday. I also stay focused in my homework and in taking care of my new pet, so I have many things to get my mind occupied.

She isn't interested in attending Al-Anon, but she goes to the therapist and so do I.


And thanks, Lexie I love japanese culture. That anime is called "Kimi ni todoke". It is very cheesy (I saw it during vacations), but I liked it.

FeelingGreat

I think that's a very balanced attitude. You understand but you're not willing to become her scapegoat. If you start making progress you could also give her some feedback on how sad and stressed you feel when she yells.

Timetoheal12

She's been crying since I got from school today, too.
For what can I see on her eyes/face she was already crying before I got home.

What can I do? I feel as she wants me to apologise for something I haven't done, but I don't like to see her being sad.

LexieCat

Let her cry. It's not your job to fix her emotions. She has plenty to make her sad, and she has the right to express that. If you haven't done anything to apologize for, don't do it.

One strategy I've used, BTW, when people get mad at me when I haven't done anything wrong is to simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." It's not an apology, but it's an acknowledgement that they are upset. But I wouldn't say anything at all UNLESS she expresses anger or upset with you.

Timetoheal12

She won't talk to me at all.
I guess I'll just keep the focus on my stuff.

Thanks FG and Lexie! And btw, good luck and enjoy your trip