Stuck in AlAnon
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Stuck in AlAnon
I am struggling right now trying to decide whether or not to continue in AlAnon or try to find an AA chapter that would be codie friendly.
The issue for me is, that since starting in AlAnon I have found that the longer someone is in that program, the sicker they seem to get. I am talking about several people that have 30 years give or take, are sponsoring others, are TOTAL control freaks and drama kings and queens, and in one case, they keep moving addicts into their home, then go to a meeting a day to complain about it.
I do not want to end up like that. I have also been unsuccessful in finding a sponsor. I have a feeling that I would be better off with an AAer who is successfully working their program. The ones I have known seem less tolerant of the BS I regularly see in AlAnon.
I am asking you folks who have been around these programs a while what you think. Many thanks!!!
The issue for me is, that since starting in AlAnon I have found that the longer someone is in that program, the sicker they seem to get. I am talking about several people that have 30 years give or take, are sponsoring others, are TOTAL control freaks and drama kings and queens, and in one case, they keep moving addicts into their home, then go to a meeting a day to complain about it.
I do not want to end up like that. I have also been unsuccessful in finding a sponsor. I have a feeling that I would be better off with an AAer who is successfully working their program. The ones I have known seem less tolerant of the BS I regularly see in AlAnon.
I am asking you folks who have been around these programs a while what you think. Many thanks!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
How many different groups have you tried? That certainly wasn't MY experience in Al-Anon. Yes, there are people who continue to be "sick"--but that is true in AA, too.
I'm not sure most people in AA would feel comfortable sponsoring someone who isn't in AA. I guess you could try, but the focus of the programs is somewhat different.
I'm not sure most people in AA would feel comfortable sponsoring someone who isn't in AA. I guess you could try, but the focus of the programs is somewhat different.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Eauchice,
I have met a few very odd and broken people at the meetings I attended. It was an exercise in patience, but I was quite harsh in assessing who not only worked the steps, but had a peace in their life that proved they lived it. It didn't take long for me to filter out people who paid $1 to whine, play the martyr, or have a power trip. I found the meetings painful. People were stuck and had been stuck in the same cycle for years. So when some people spoke and spoke and spoke about how stuck they were, I listened for what NOT to do. Pretty much the ones constantly with drama have zero boundaries. Their fear of change keeps them stuck. My fear of abandonment kept me stuck and made me over value an alcoholic partner. So now I act through my fears and try to be more open to change. Even from the most lost souls there, the ones who never move on, I learned what I did not want to become.
Are there CoDA meetings by you? Perhaps this group is an option to try? Perhaps they are more focused on truly fixing how they approach their lives by breaking their mixed up relationship habits?
For me, the key is the 12 steps. There's a reason it gets lifted and inserted into so many help programs. Work them and then evaluate what else you need to do. You can work the first three here without a sponsor on the F&F 12 step thread. You don't need a sponsor for 4. You could use a counselor or a pastor to keep yourself grounded and not getting overwhelmed and nitpicking yourself to death. And many people actually recommend using a pastor or a counselor for step 5 too.
I prayed for my sponsor when I got to step 4 and she showed up. Popped into my meeting and she had a little aura of peace around her. I waited A few weeks to be sure and then asked her to be my sponsor. Because one thing I have had to learn is I don't have to do everything immediately. I can sit back and watch things unfold on the universe's timeline. If I sit back, something's resolve themselves. And I don't have to make the stuck people at Al Anon see the light. It's just not my role.
Peace!
I have met a few very odd and broken people at the meetings I attended. It was an exercise in patience, but I was quite harsh in assessing who not only worked the steps, but had a peace in their life that proved they lived it. It didn't take long for me to filter out people who paid $1 to whine, play the martyr, or have a power trip. I found the meetings painful. People were stuck and had been stuck in the same cycle for years. So when some people spoke and spoke and spoke about how stuck they were, I listened for what NOT to do. Pretty much the ones constantly with drama have zero boundaries. Their fear of change keeps them stuck. My fear of abandonment kept me stuck and made me over value an alcoholic partner. So now I act through my fears and try to be more open to change. Even from the most lost souls there, the ones who never move on, I learned what I did not want to become.
Are there CoDA meetings by you? Perhaps this group is an option to try? Perhaps they are more focused on truly fixing how they approach their lives by breaking their mixed up relationship habits?
For me, the key is the 12 steps. There's a reason it gets lifted and inserted into so many help programs. Work them and then evaluate what else you need to do. You can work the first three here without a sponsor on the F&F 12 step thread. You don't need a sponsor for 4. You could use a counselor or a pastor to keep yourself grounded and not getting overwhelmed and nitpicking yourself to death. And many people actually recommend using a pastor or a counselor for step 5 too.
I prayed for my sponsor when I got to step 4 and she showed up. Popped into my meeting and she had a little aura of peace around her. I waited A few weeks to be sure and then asked her to be my sponsor. Because one thing I have had to learn is I don't have to do everything immediately. I can sit back and watch things unfold on the universe's timeline. If I sit back, something's resolve themselves. And I don't have to make the stuck people at Al Anon see the light. It's just not my role.
Peace!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am very slowly working the steps.
I live in a pretty remote part of the world and when I started Al-Anon there were only a few potential sponsors and none of them in my group "felt" right. I had done some theraputic group work in the past, and Al-Anon was a little different for me and took some time to get used to. I also found some people "stuck," in some of the roles you mention.
Luckily I have a great therapist who herself is sober many, many years and has been a member of both AA, and Al-Anon. All of the pieces I was struggling with about the program I brought to her. Some were my struggles and it helped me to get to a deeper level of healing, some were another's struggle and this practice helped me to sort out what was mine and what was not.
I went to a lot of Open AA meetings for a time while I was in Al-Anon. I enjoyed something different about those meetings. Many of those in the AA side of the room were more willing to laugh/poke fun at themselves and they seemed more open to talking about emotions. This was good for me to see. This helped me to realize that part of Al-Anoners journey is about finally feeling safe enough to talk about how scary things were in the chaos of living with addictions.
Finally after some time struggling I started to bring this up as topics at meetings. I would bring up the feelings (and my fear of having them). At business meetings I would ask about the sponsor stuff etc. Eventually we had a workshop on it and a lot was gained from it. I still don't have a sponsor from the group, but I am working the steps slowly, and I hope to do my steps with my therapist when it gets to that point.
Another great tool for me in this process was a book called The Gentle Way Through the 12 Steps by Patrick Carnes. I have my own struggle with addiction (Eating Disorder) and this book was really helpful as it had a place for me to fill out as an addict and as someone who loved an addict.
Wow that was a long answer to a short question. I think I really just want to say that if there is something in the group that is making you uncomfortable I think you should acknowledge it, name it, and then use it for your own healing. I needed that discomfort to get to a deeper level of healing......and when I started talkign about it I never would have seen how that journey was going to go. What I wrote above was my convoluted journey with it.
I live in a pretty remote part of the world and when I started Al-Anon there were only a few potential sponsors and none of them in my group "felt" right. I had done some theraputic group work in the past, and Al-Anon was a little different for me and took some time to get used to. I also found some people "stuck," in some of the roles you mention.
Luckily I have a great therapist who herself is sober many, many years and has been a member of both AA, and Al-Anon. All of the pieces I was struggling with about the program I brought to her. Some were my struggles and it helped me to get to a deeper level of healing, some were another's struggle and this practice helped me to sort out what was mine and what was not.
I went to a lot of Open AA meetings for a time while I was in Al-Anon. I enjoyed something different about those meetings. Many of those in the AA side of the room were more willing to laugh/poke fun at themselves and they seemed more open to talking about emotions. This was good for me to see. This helped me to realize that part of Al-Anoners journey is about finally feeling safe enough to talk about how scary things were in the chaos of living with addictions.
Finally after some time struggling I started to bring this up as topics at meetings. I would bring up the feelings (and my fear of having them). At business meetings I would ask about the sponsor stuff etc. Eventually we had a workshop on it and a lot was gained from it. I still don't have a sponsor from the group, but I am working the steps slowly, and I hope to do my steps with my therapist when it gets to that point.
Another great tool for me in this process was a book called The Gentle Way Through the 12 Steps by Patrick Carnes. I have my own struggle with addiction (Eating Disorder) and this book was really helpful as it had a place for me to fill out as an addict and as someone who loved an addict.
Wow that was a long answer to a short question. I think I really just want to say that if there is something in the group that is making you uncomfortable I think you should acknowledge it, name it, and then use it for your own healing. I needed that discomfort to get to a deeper level of healing......and when I started talkign about it I never would have seen how that journey was going to go. What I wrote above was my convoluted journey with it.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Thanks to all of you for your very thoughtful and insightful posts.
Re: Codejobs comments on steps 4 and 5, I am Catholic and no stranger to the confessional. Even though I have had people tell me it is not the same thing, for me, it always has been.
Thanks also for your comments about fears of abandonment. Very helpful!!!
All you folks are inspiring with these posts. I wish we all lived in the same area. It would make one HECK of an AlAnon chapter. Cheers!!!
Re: Codejobs comments on steps 4 and 5, I am Catholic and no stranger to the confessional. Even though I have had people tell me it is not the same thing, for me, it always has been.
Thanks also for your comments about fears of abandonment. Very helpful!!!
All you folks are inspiring with these posts. I wish we all lived in the same area. It would make one HECK of an AlAnon chapter. Cheers!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
E- I have to say that after my divorce and moving out of the same home with my qualifier, I stopped attending. I guess that is selfish as you are suppose to "help" the next group.
For that 10 month period prior, I did the 2 open AA and 2 alanon meeting, religiously plus SR a week. Not sure if I was burn't, or exhausted, not sure. I am doing ok sticking to just SR. I have spent enough hours in those rooms to know what is right and wrong. I try and practice it every day at work and in my personal life to be a better person. (the other day I had helped someone who fell at the Church. She stopped in and brought me a gift of chocolates for helping her. That afternoon "my" volunteers were in and they were going to help someone else. I asked if that person could eat sweets, and gave the Fannie may candy to them. That person deserved it much more then me. )
Hugs my friend, you will find the right decision for you. Things always fall right into place, the way they are suppose to, if you let them.
For that 10 month period prior, I did the 2 open AA and 2 alanon meeting, religiously plus SR a week. Not sure if I was burn't, or exhausted, not sure. I am doing ok sticking to just SR. I have spent enough hours in those rooms to know what is right and wrong. I try and practice it every day at work and in my personal life to be a better person. (the other day I had helped someone who fell at the Church. She stopped in and brought me a gift of chocolates for helping her. That afternoon "my" volunteers were in and they were going to help someone else. I asked if that person could eat sweets, and gave the Fannie may candy to them. That person deserved it much more then me. )
Hugs my friend, you will find the right decision for you. Things always fall right into place, the way they are suppose to, if you let them.
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