merc260

I am trying to help a dear friend, her husband is an alcoholic of many, many years. Two little kids 4 and 7 to complicate matters. She has a plan to save up money, finish getting a degree, become independent, and get out in a year of two. The biggest issue is the alcoholic's son from a previous marriage died of a drug OD two years ago and the guilt of leaving is overwhelming her. She feels stuck and the guilt of leaving is huge. How does she walk out on a guy whos son died? Tough situation. I want to help. What should I do, what should help her do?

Thanks

merc260

I know guilt of family members is a huge part of the disease, but in this case it really seems there is something to be guilty over. Leaving man whos son has died. How can she do this without the guilt tearing her apart..
Thnks

LexieCat

Her staying will not bring his son back. She's not talking about leaving for another year or two. It's a little premature to judge what kind of shape he will be when she's prepared financially to leave.

If he continues to drink, then by staying she will be sacrificing a safe and secure home life for her own children for the sake of a man who will make their lives miserable.

CodeJob

Hello,

Maybe suggest this website to her? There's a few women who come on here and start chipping away at their Exit Plan. i'd also recommend a counselor for her. Someone who can objectively help her grow in seeing what is really going on in that relationship. Would she try Al Anon? Maybe if you offered to walk in with her for a meeting?

KarenSW

Is he feeling guilty for her? For ruining her life and the life of their kids with his drinking?

atalose

If she’s not even planning on moving out for 1 to 2 years it gives her time to work on her feelings of guilt.

I know many woman who are going to move out when x, y and z happen. Most of them haven’t even attempted x, y or z and it’s been years.

I would suggest to your friend that she find an al-anon group near her and start going to meetings to around others who fully understand her alcoholic marriage and her inability to free herself of it.

merc260

Not at all. She says there has not been one "sorry" ever. I see your point. She has a huge heart. Good in life but makes things tough right now.

emilynghiem

It takes professional counselors to work through these issues.
If she is supporting him where the man gets counseling, she could be a friend to him. But she CANNOT be a substitute or bandaid to displace getting REAL help. She would be doing him a disservice.

So if she is preventing him from getting real help because he is using her to enable him and abuse as a crutch, that is even more reason to stop this abusive relationship because it is hurting BOTH of them and thus their family. It is causing more harm than already has happened.

Nothing can replace getting real help to cope and manage with this.
She is NOT a professional and NOT being paid and NOT helping him.

If she has to Back Off in order for him to wake up and get real help, then she is helping him by separating and creating space for real intervention and therapy work he needs and so does the family.

She is like taking up a parking space where someone else, some professional help, needs to be filling that role.

merc260

Seems beyond all this, she has tried for years to even get a foot in the door to get him to go get help with no success.