Desperate for guidance and support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Desperate for guidance and support
Hi everyone,
I recently joined this site to try and gain some additional support with my current situation. I have been attending Al-Anon the last six months, but have recently started a new job an hour away from my home. The commute leaves me little time to attend as many meetings as I want (and need), but I make it a point to go to one a week at least.
Without writing my entire story here on the forum, I wanted to seek some advice and share my experience. I recently broke things off with my qualifier (boyfriend) after a year and a half of consistent relapses. Some days are easier than others, I will have good days and bad days, and I’m told this is typical/normal, and to be expected.
To summarize the recent relapse (& my personal bottom as a co-dependent/enabler/al-anon) my boyfriend had recently been living with my family. He was kicked out of his house back in April, due to a 2 week binge/bender on Cocaine/Pot/Norcos (anything he could get his hands on.) I told him I would not speak to him, or see him until he sought help. After 11 days, he reluctantly went to a psychward (he was smoking crack and had a psychotic break). He spent two weeks in the ward and then went to rehab for 28 days. He paid for the rehab out-of-pocket, and seemed to be taking it seriously and doing well. He worked the steps while in the rehab, and obliged to go to sober living. He informed me that he would only do a month OR two at a SL, but was willing to do it. During his stay in SL, he continued to go to meetings and find a sponsor. He had over 90+ clean and was prepared/insisting to leave SL after two months. Two weeks before he was getting out of SL, I was hired at an awesome job about an hour from our hometown. I began looking for apartments closer to work, and my boyfriend asked if I would consider living with him. He promised to continue working a program, working with a sponsor, AND to being randomly drug tested at home. He would pay for the majority of my rent, but my name would be the only name on the lease. I believed with my heart, that after 3 relapses this year, he was serious about sobriety. He was doing things differently than ever before, and I took a leap of faith. We found an apartment a week before he was out of SL and signed the lease. I put down the deposit of $400 and was excited to move forward with out lives.
He was discharged from his SL and my parents agreed to allow him to stay at our home for a little over a week before our lease was ready. I informed him that the expectations of being at my parent’s home, he would be expected to be sober, take a random test as needed/requested, and attend meetings. The first few days went great, I started my new job and was gone a majority of the day. He helped around the house, hung out with my teenage brother (who adores him) and handled some of his mental health needs (filled prescriptions, set up appointments, etc.) However, within 6 days or so, I noticed some strange behavior, he would have bursts of energy followed by lows of depression, some days he would be very needy and attentive and other days he was not engaging whatsoever. On July 4th, he seemed very anxious and overwhelmed. He has PTSD and I thought perhaps he was nervous over the crowds and loud noises. He had a ton of energy, was clammy, and very chatty. I asked him to take a drug test and he was devastated. “I’m with your family, on a holiday. I’m just nervous, that’s all. I have over 100 days sober, how can you question me?” “Because you are an addict, and this is part of our deal. If you have nothing to hide, please take a test.” After many tears, crying, and back and forth-he obliged. He passed the test. I do not know if he tampered with it, but I find it unlikely. However, who knows…
Cut to a few days later.. He has a bad back and told my family that he went to the VA Hospital (he’s a veteran) to speak with pain management. When he returned that evening, his pupils were constricted, even outside in the evening. Immediately I felt that something was off, he told me that his doctor had given him a muscle relaxant shot. I didn’t believe it, but had no other reason to question him, so I let it go. A few days later, I came home from work to find him helping my mom clean out the bathroom. My mom left and a few hours later he brought to my attention that he had found some Darvocet (opiate painkiller) and it made him “uncomfortable.” I proceeded to flush the pills in the toilet and thanked him for his honesty. 4 days before we were to move into our apartment things started getting very strange. I would wake up for work at 7:30 am every day and leave by 8:00am. My mother said that my boyfriend would then wake up at about 8:15am and leave the house to go get “Mcdonald’s breakfast.” He did this three days in a row. Usually this would not strike me as odd, he eats fast food frequently, but what raised a red flag was that one day he left at 8:35am and texted my mom at 9:04 am saying he was “at McDonald’s and would she like anything?” McDonald’s is only a short 5-7 minute drive from my house, but for over 30 minutes he was MIA. My mother sensed something was off and requested for me to ask him to take a test. That evening when I got home from work, I asked him to take a test. At first he was defensive, and then he got angry. Calling me foul names and yelling at me, he stormed out of the house and said he was going to get “loaded.” He continued to text me angry rants, which I ignored. The only response he received was, “if you’re sober you’ll take a test.” He told me he was “staying at a friends for the night and would take a test the following day.” The next day, he texted me again saying he wanted to stay out “one more day.” The following day he texted me telling me he wanted to come home, but “would not take a test and I would need to trust him that he was sober. We were moving in together for goodness sakes.” I told him he could not come home unless he was willing to take a test. He told me he wanted to break up, and I informed him he was making the decision for us if was not agreeing to take a test. I told him I’d leave his things outside. He showed up at my house, clearly out of it, I couldn’t tell if he was manic or high. He suffers from Bipolar Disorder and he had been without his medication for three days at this point. He seemed off, but I could not put my finger on it. He said he refused to take a test, and why don’t “I trust him,” blah blah blah. He then leaves the house, returns 15 minutes later and agrees to take a test. He then proceeds to STRIP OFF his clothing and say “look, I’m not hiding anything, I will take a test.” He goes into the bathroom and comes back out with his test. Perfectly clean. No drugs in his system. My HIGHER POWER told me this could not be possible, I knew he was on something. He then received a shady phone call from his “friend” (who I have never heard of) and says “I’m at my girlfriend’s right now, yeah, we’re discussing our apartment, I’ll call you a little later.” He then left my house and I went back to the garbage can that I threw away the test in. I opened the box and took it apart. Inside I found a vile of synthetic urine with a heating pad wrapped around it with a rubber band. He had tried to fake the test and had succeeded. At that moment I knew I could not continue like this any longer. I texted him that I had found the urine, that we could not continue to do this to one another, and that I would leave his things outside. He then texted me and said “fine, I’m just going to get high.”
He spent the next several days texting me, convincing me he had “only smoke pot and had stayed off hard drugs” his “back pani had been so extreme that he needed relief, etc. etc. He was so sorry and could he please come home, etc. etc. I stood my ground and told him “no.” He then began to beg me to not leave him, he would “die without” me and “kill himself” he has “no one” everyone has “left him” he has no “reason to live.” But, I still stood my ground. He asked me to take him to the ward, but my sponsor advised against it, finally after 10 days, he contacted his family and they took him to the ward. He spent 3 days there and then his mother picked him up and took him to Arizona (we live in Los Angeles) to try and get him away. He is now on a ranch with his mother. I’m not sure whether he is working a program or not, but he is there and I am having a harder time than I imagined. He has since contacted me twice this week. Telling me how sorry he is, and how he hopes I “love him” because he “loves me so much and does not want to lose me.” He is “doing everything he can to be sober and stay sober, and he just wants to be able to (keep me in his life) and talk to me."
My question is: Can I talk to him? If so, how often? I did not end things with him because I fell out of love. I still love him deeply, and care for him very much. He is like family to me. But, "nothing changes, if nothing changes," and I know that unlike the other relapses, I can not cushion his rock-bottom anymore. But, if I am being completely honest, I do not want to cut him out of my life completely either.
If anyone takes the time to read this, thank you.
I recently joined this site to try and gain some additional support with my current situation. I have been attending Al-Anon the last six months, but have recently started a new job an hour away from my home. The commute leaves me little time to attend as many meetings as I want (and need), but I make it a point to go to one a week at least.
Without writing my entire story here on the forum, I wanted to seek some advice and share my experience. I recently broke things off with my qualifier (boyfriend) after a year and a half of consistent relapses. Some days are easier than others, I will have good days and bad days, and I’m told this is typical/normal, and to be expected.
To summarize the recent relapse (& my personal bottom as a co-dependent/enabler/al-anon) my boyfriend had recently been living with my family. He was kicked out of his house back in April, due to a 2 week binge/bender on Cocaine/Pot/Norcos (anything he could get his hands on.) I told him I would not speak to him, or see him until he sought help. After 11 days, he reluctantly went to a psychward (he was smoking crack and had a psychotic break). He spent two weeks in the ward and then went to rehab for 28 days. He paid for the rehab out-of-pocket, and seemed to be taking it seriously and doing well. He worked the steps while in the rehab, and obliged to go to sober living. He informed me that he would only do a month OR two at a SL, but was willing to do it. During his stay in SL, he continued to go to meetings and find a sponsor. He had over 90+ clean and was prepared/insisting to leave SL after two months. Two weeks before he was getting out of SL, I was hired at an awesome job about an hour from our hometown. I began looking for apartments closer to work, and my boyfriend asked if I would consider living with him. He promised to continue working a program, working with a sponsor, AND to being randomly drug tested at home. He would pay for the majority of my rent, but my name would be the only name on the lease. I believed with my heart, that after 3 relapses this year, he was serious about sobriety. He was doing things differently than ever before, and I took a leap of faith. We found an apartment a week before he was out of SL and signed the lease. I put down the deposit of $400 and was excited to move forward with out lives.
He was discharged from his SL and my parents agreed to allow him to stay at our home for a little over a week before our lease was ready. I informed him that the expectations of being at my parent’s home, he would be expected to be sober, take a random test as needed/requested, and attend meetings. The first few days went great, I started my new job and was gone a majority of the day. He helped around the house, hung out with my teenage brother (who adores him) and handled some of his mental health needs (filled prescriptions, set up appointments, etc.) However, within 6 days or so, I noticed some strange behavior, he would have bursts of energy followed by lows of depression, some days he would be very needy and attentive and other days he was not engaging whatsoever. On July 4th, he seemed very anxious and overwhelmed. He has PTSD and I thought perhaps he was nervous over the crowds and loud noises. He had a ton of energy, was clammy, and very chatty. I asked him to take a drug test and he was devastated. “I’m with your family, on a holiday. I’m just nervous, that’s all. I have over 100 days sober, how can you question me?” “Because you are an addict, and this is part of our deal. If you have nothing to hide, please take a test.” After many tears, crying, and back and forth-he obliged. He passed the test. I do not know if he tampered with it, but I find it unlikely. However, who knows…
Cut to a few days later.. He has a bad back and told my family that he went to the VA Hospital (he’s a veteran) to speak with pain management. When he returned that evening, his pupils were constricted, even outside in the evening. Immediately I felt that something was off, he told me that his doctor had given him a muscle relaxant shot. I didn’t believe it, but had no other reason to question him, so I let it go. A few days later, I came home from work to find him helping my mom clean out the bathroom. My mom left and a few hours later he brought to my attention that he had found some Darvocet (opiate painkiller) and it made him “uncomfortable.” I proceeded to flush the pills in the toilet and thanked him for his honesty. 4 days before we were to move into our apartment things started getting very strange. I would wake up for work at 7:30 am every day and leave by 8:00am. My mother said that my boyfriend would then wake up at about 8:15am and leave the house to go get “Mcdonald’s breakfast.” He did this three days in a row. Usually this would not strike me as odd, he eats fast food frequently, but what raised a red flag was that one day he left at 8:35am and texted my mom at 9:04 am saying he was “at McDonald’s and would she like anything?” McDonald’s is only a short 5-7 minute drive from my house, but for over 30 minutes he was MIA. My mother sensed something was off and requested for me to ask him to take a test. That evening when I got home from work, I asked him to take a test. At first he was defensive, and then he got angry. Calling me foul names and yelling at me, he stormed out of the house and said he was going to get “loaded.” He continued to text me angry rants, which I ignored. The only response he received was, “if you’re sober you’ll take a test.” He told me he was “staying at a friends for the night and would take a test the following day.” The next day, he texted me again saying he wanted to stay out “one more day.” The following day he texted me telling me he wanted to come home, but “would not take a test and I would need to trust him that he was sober. We were moving in together for goodness sakes.” I told him he could not come home unless he was willing to take a test. He told me he wanted to break up, and I informed him he was making the decision for us if was not agreeing to take a test. I told him I’d leave his things outside. He showed up at my house, clearly out of it, I couldn’t tell if he was manic or high. He suffers from Bipolar Disorder and he had been without his medication for three days at this point. He seemed off, but I could not put my finger on it. He said he refused to take a test, and why don’t “I trust him,” blah blah blah. He then leaves the house, returns 15 minutes later and agrees to take a test. He then proceeds to STRIP OFF his clothing and say “look, I’m not hiding anything, I will take a test.” He goes into the bathroom and comes back out with his test. Perfectly clean. No drugs in his system. My HIGHER POWER told me this could not be possible, I knew he was on something. He then received a shady phone call from his “friend” (who I have never heard of) and says “I’m at my girlfriend’s right now, yeah, we’re discussing our apartment, I’ll call you a little later.” He then left my house and I went back to the garbage can that I threw away the test in. I opened the box and took it apart. Inside I found a vile of synthetic urine with a heating pad wrapped around it with a rubber band. He had tried to fake the test and had succeeded. At that moment I knew I could not continue like this any longer. I texted him that I had found the urine, that we could not continue to do this to one another, and that I would leave his things outside. He then texted me and said “fine, I’m just going to get high.”
He spent the next several days texting me, convincing me he had “only smoke pot and had stayed off hard drugs” his “back pani had been so extreme that he needed relief, etc. etc. He was so sorry and could he please come home, etc. etc. I stood my ground and told him “no.” He then began to beg me to not leave him, he would “die without” me and “kill himself” he has “no one” everyone has “left him” he has no “reason to live.” But, I still stood my ground. He asked me to take him to the ward, but my sponsor advised against it, finally after 10 days, he contacted his family and they took him to the ward. He spent 3 days there and then his mother picked him up and took him to Arizona (we live in Los Angeles) to try and get him away. He is now on a ranch with his mother. I’m not sure whether he is working a program or not, but he is there and I am having a harder time than I imagined. He has since contacted me twice this week. Telling me how sorry he is, and how he hopes I “love him” because he “loves me so much and does not want to lose me.” He is “doing everything he can to be sober and stay sober, and he just wants to be able to (keep me in his life) and talk to me."
My question is: Can I talk to him? If so, how often? I did not end things with him because I fell out of love. I still love him deeply, and care for him very much. He is like family to me. But, "nothing changes, if nothing changes," and I know that unlike the other relapses, I can not cushion his rock-bottom anymore. But, if I am being completely honest, I do not want to cut him out of my life completely either.
If anyone takes the time to read this, thank you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You "can" do whatever you want. Talk to him, don't talk to him. Only you can say what is going to make things easier/more difficult for you.
Right now he's not a good risk to live with. Will talking to him allow him to wear you down and invite all that chaos back into your life? Only you can answer that question.
If I were you I'd try finding maybe a lunchtime or before- or after-work meeting closer to where you are working.
Right now he's not a good risk to live with. Will talking to him allow him to wear you down and invite all that chaos back into your life? Only you can answer that question.
If I were you I'd try finding maybe a lunchtime or before- or after-work meeting closer to where you are working.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi! Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us. You asked for advice and opinions. I will give you mine. I am a recovering alcoholic and have way too many alcoholics and addicts both in recovery and active in my life. If you were my sister I would say absolutely no contact for the next year. He has a whole lot of problems to deal with and really needs extensive recovery work. Any intimate relationships will just add too much of a burden on him right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Hi & thank you for the responses.
I am at the point where I understand and ACCEPT that this is not the life I want for myself. But, I have a difficult time not "day-dreaming" of the life I would like to have if he gets sober.
I was considering sending him an email asking him not to contact me for a certain period of time, and if after that time frame he was still sober and had a program in place, we could speak on the phone. What do you think though? Is it better to use this time now to fully heal and attempt to cut ties completely? Again, I would rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing at all.
Hugs,
I am at the point where I understand and ACCEPT that this is not the life I want for myself. But, I have a difficult time not "day-dreaming" of the life I would like to have if he gets sober.
I was considering sending him an email asking him not to contact me for a certain period of time, and if after that time frame he was still sober and had a program in place, we could speak on the phone. What do you think though? Is it better to use this time now to fully heal and attempt to cut ties completely? Again, I would rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing at all.
Hugs,
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When I was at the end of my rope with my first husband, I told him I needed a break from the relationship. I forget what I said, seems like it was a couple or three months. During that time, he did get sober, and has remained that way for 35 years. I honestly can't recall whether I talked to him at all during that break, but I think I did not.
Obviously, there's no guarantee he'll get sober if you do that. OTOH, you will get a chance to regroup and get a little distance and perspective. If you're inclined to take a break it's probably a good idea.
Obviously, there's no guarantee he'll get sober if you do that. OTOH, you will get a chance to regroup and get a little distance and perspective. If you're inclined to take a break it's probably a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by hopepraylove 
Hi everyone,
I recently joined this site to try and gain some additional support with my current situation. I have been attending Al-Anon the last six months, but have recently started a new job an hour away from my home. The commute leaves me little time to attend as many meetings as I want (and need), but I make it a point to go to one a week at least.
Without writing my entire story here on the forum, I wanted to seek some advice and share my experience. I recently broke things off with my qualifier (boyfriend) after a year and a half of consistent relapses. Some days are easier than others, I will have good days and bad days, and I’m told this is typical/normal, and to be expected.
To summarize the recent relapse (& my personal bottom as a co-dependent/enabler/al-anon) my boyfriend had recently been living with my family. He was kicked out of his house back in April, due to a 2 week binge/bender on Cocaine/Pot/Norcos (anything he could get his hands on.) I told him I would not speak to him, or see him until he sought help. After 11 days, he reluctantly went to a psychward (he was smoking crack and had a psychotic break). He spent two weeks in the ward and then went to rehab for 28 days. He paid for the rehab out-of-pocket, and seemed to be taking it seriously and doing well. He worked the steps while in the rehab, and obliged to go to sober living. He informed me that he would only do a month OR two at a SL, but was willing to do it. During his stay in SL, he continued to go to meetings and find a sponsor. He had over 90+ clean and was prepared/insisting to leave SL after two months. Two weeks before he was getting out of SL, I was hired at an awesome job about an hour from our hometown. I began looking for apartments closer to work, and my boyfriend asked if I would consider living with him. He promised to continue working a program, working with a sponsor, AND to being randomly drug tested at home. He would pay for the majority of my rent, but my name would be the only name on the lease. I believed with my heart, that after 3 relapses this year, he was serious about sobriety. He was doing things differently than ever before, and I took a leap of faith. We found an apartment a week before he was out of SL and signed the lease. I put down the deposit of $400 and was excited to move forward with out lives.
He was discharged from his SL and my parents agreed to allow him to stay at our home for a little over a week before our lease was ready. I informed him that the expectations of being at my parent’s home, he would be expected to be sober, take a random test as needed/requested, and attend meetings. The first few days went great, I started my new job and was gone a majority of the day. He helped around the house, hung out with my teenage brother (who adores him) and handled some of his mental health needs (filled prescriptions, set up appointments, etc.) However, within 6 days or so, I noticed some strange behavior, he would have bursts of energy followed by lows of depression, some days he would be very needy and attentive and other days he was not engaging whatsoever. On July 4th, he seemed very anxious and overwhelmed. He has PTSD and I thought perhaps he was nervous over the crowds and loud noises. He had a ton of energy, was clammy, and very chatty. I asked him to take a drug test and he was devastated. “I’m with your family, on a holiday. I’m just nervous, that’s all. I have over 100 days sober, how can you question me?” “Because you are an addict, and this is part of our deal. If you have nothing to hide, please take a test.” After many tears, crying, and back and forth-he obliged. He passed the test. I do not know if he tampered with it, but I find it unlikely. However, who knows…
Cut to a few days later.. He has a bad back and told my family that he went to the VA Hospital (he’s a veteran) to speak with pain management. When he returned that evening, his pupils were constricted, even outside in the evening. Immediately I felt that something was off, he told me that his doctor had given him a muscle relaxant shot. I didn’t believe it, but had no other reason to question him, so I let it go. A few days later, I came home from work to find him helping my mom clean out the bathroom. My mom left and a few hours later he brought to my attention that he had found some Darvocet (opiate painkiller) and it made him “uncomfortable.” I proceeded to flush the pills in the toilet and thanked him for his honesty. 4 days before we were to move into our apartment things started getting very strange. I would wake up for work at 7:30 am every day and leave by 8:00am. My mother said that my boyfriend would then wake up at about 8:15am and leave the house to go get “Mcdonald’s breakfast.” He did this three days in a row. Usually this would not strike me as odd, he eats fast food frequently, but what raised a red flag was that one day he left at 8:35am and texted my mom at 9:04 am saying he was “at McDonald’s and would she like anything?” McDonald’s is only a short 5-7 minute drive from my house, but for over 30 minutes he was MIA. My mother sensed something was off and requested for me to ask him to take a test. That evening when I got home from work, I asked him to take a test. At first he was defensive, and then he got angry. Calling me foul names and yelling at me, he stormed out of the house and said he was going to get “loaded.” He continued to text me angry rants, which I ignored. The only response he received was, “if you’re sober you’ll take a test.” He told me he was “staying at a friends for the night and would take a test the following day.” The next day, he texted me again saying he wanted to stay out “one more day.” The following day he texted me telling me he wanted to come home, but “would not take a test and I would need to trust him that he was sober. We were moving in together for goodness sakes.” I told him he could not come home unless he was willing to take a test. He told me he wanted to break up, and I informed him he was making the decision for us if was not agreeing to take a test. I told him I’d leave his things outside. He showed up at my house, clearly out of it, I couldn’t tell if he was manic or high. He suffers from Bipolar Disorder and he had been without his medication for three days at this point. He seemed off, but I could not put my finger on it. He said he refused to take a test, and why don’t “I trust him,” blah blah blah. He then leaves the house, returns 15 minutes later and agrees to take a test. He then proceeds to STRIP OFF his clothing and say “look, I’m not hiding anything, I will take a test.” He goes into the bathroom and comes back out with his test. Perfectly clean. No drugs in his system. My HIGHER POWER told me this could not be possible, I knew he was on something. He then received a shady phone call from his “friend” (who I have never heard of) and says “I’m at my girlfriend’s right now, yeah, we’re discussing our apartment, I’ll call you a little later.” He then left my house and I went back to the garbage can that I threw away the test in. I opened the box and took it apart. Inside I found a vile of synthetic urine with a heating pad wrapped around it with a rubber band. He had tried to fake the test and had succeeded. At that moment I knew I could not continue like this any longer. I texted him that I had found the urine, that we could not continue to do this to one another, and that I would leave his things outside. He then texted me and said “fine, I’m just going to get high.”
He spent the next several days texting me, convincing me he had “only smoke pot and had stayed off hard drugs” his “back pani had been so extreme that he needed relief, etc. etc. He was so sorry and could he please come home, etc. etc. I stood my ground and told him “no.” He then began to beg me to not leave him, he would “die without” me and “kill himself” he has “no one” everyone has “left him” he has no “reason to live.” But, I still stood my ground. He asked me to take him to the ward, but my sponsor advised against it, finally after 10 days, he contacted his family and they took him to the ward. He spent 3 days there and then his mother picked him up and took him to Arizona (we live in Los Angeles) to try and get him away. He is now on a ranch with his mother. I’m not sure whether he is working a program or not, but he is there and I am having a harder time than I imagined. He has since contacted me twice this week. Telling me how sorry he is, and how he hopes I “love him” because he “loves me so much and does not want to lose me.” He is “doing everything he can to be sober and stay sober, and he just wants to be able to (keep me in his life) and talk to me."
My question is: Can I talk to him? If so, how often? I did not end things with him because I fell out of love. I still love him deeply, and care for him very much. He is like family to me. But, "nothing changes, if nothing changes," and I know that unlike the other relapses, I can not cushion his rock-bottom anymore. But, if I am being completely honest, I do not want to cut him out of my life completely either.
If anyone takes the time to read this, thank you.
I recently joined this site to try and gain some additional support with my current situation. I have been attending Al-Anon the last six months, but have recently started a new job an hour away from my home. The commute leaves me little time to attend as many meetings as I want (and need), but I make it a point to go to one a week at least.
Without writing my entire story here on the forum, I wanted to seek some advice and share my experience. I recently broke things off with my qualifier (boyfriend) after a year and a half of consistent relapses. Some days are easier than others, I will have good days and bad days, and I’m told this is typical/normal, and to be expected.
To summarize the recent relapse (& my personal bottom as a co-dependent/enabler/al-anon) my boyfriend had recently been living with my family. He was kicked out of his house back in April, due to a 2 week binge/bender on Cocaine/Pot/Norcos (anything he could get his hands on.) I told him I would not speak to him, or see him until he sought help. After 11 days, he reluctantly went to a psychward (he was smoking crack and had a psychotic break). He spent two weeks in the ward and then went to rehab for 28 days. He paid for the rehab out-of-pocket, and seemed to be taking it seriously and doing well. He worked the steps while in the rehab, and obliged to go to sober living. He informed me that he would only do a month OR two at a SL, but was willing to do it. During his stay in SL, he continued to go to meetings and find a sponsor. He had over 90+ clean and was prepared/insisting to leave SL after two months. Two weeks before he was getting out of SL, I was hired at an awesome job about an hour from our hometown. I began looking for apartments closer to work, and my boyfriend asked if I would consider living with him. He promised to continue working a program, working with a sponsor, AND to being randomly drug tested at home. He would pay for the majority of my rent, but my name would be the only name on the lease. I believed with my heart, that after 3 relapses this year, he was serious about sobriety. He was doing things differently than ever before, and I took a leap of faith. We found an apartment a week before he was out of SL and signed the lease. I put down the deposit of $400 and was excited to move forward with out lives.
He was discharged from his SL and my parents agreed to allow him to stay at our home for a little over a week before our lease was ready. I informed him that the expectations of being at my parent’s home, he would be expected to be sober, take a random test as needed/requested, and attend meetings. The first few days went great, I started my new job and was gone a majority of the day. He helped around the house, hung out with my teenage brother (who adores him) and handled some of his mental health needs (filled prescriptions, set up appointments, etc.) However, within 6 days or so, I noticed some strange behavior, he would have bursts of energy followed by lows of depression, some days he would be very needy and attentive and other days he was not engaging whatsoever. On July 4th, he seemed very anxious and overwhelmed. He has PTSD and I thought perhaps he was nervous over the crowds and loud noises. He had a ton of energy, was clammy, and very chatty. I asked him to take a drug test and he was devastated. “I’m with your family, on a holiday. I’m just nervous, that’s all. I have over 100 days sober, how can you question me?” “Because you are an addict, and this is part of our deal. If you have nothing to hide, please take a test.” After many tears, crying, and back and forth-he obliged. He passed the test. I do not know if he tampered with it, but I find it unlikely. However, who knows…
Cut to a few days later.. He has a bad back and told my family that he went to the VA Hospital (he’s a veteran) to speak with pain management. When he returned that evening, his pupils were constricted, even outside in the evening. Immediately I felt that something was off, he told me that his doctor had given him a muscle relaxant shot. I didn’t believe it, but had no other reason to question him, so I let it go. A few days later, I came home from work to find him helping my mom clean out the bathroom. My mom left and a few hours later he brought to my attention that he had found some Darvocet (opiate painkiller) and it made him “uncomfortable.” I proceeded to flush the pills in the toilet and thanked him for his honesty. 4 days before we were to move into our apartment things started getting very strange. I would wake up for work at 7:30 am every day and leave by 8:00am. My mother said that my boyfriend would then wake up at about 8:15am and leave the house to go get “Mcdonald’s breakfast.” He did this three days in a row. Usually this would not strike me as odd, he eats fast food frequently, but what raised a red flag was that one day he left at 8:35am and texted my mom at 9:04 am saying he was “at McDonald’s and would she like anything?” McDonald’s is only a short 5-7 minute drive from my house, but for over 30 minutes he was MIA. My mother sensed something was off and requested for me to ask him to take a test. That evening when I got home from work, I asked him to take a test. At first he was defensive, and then he got angry. Calling me foul names and yelling at me, he stormed out of the house and said he was going to get “loaded.” He continued to text me angry rants, which I ignored. The only response he received was, “if you’re sober you’ll take a test.” He told me he was “staying at a friends for the night and would take a test the following day.” The next day, he texted me again saying he wanted to stay out “one more day.” The following day he texted me telling me he wanted to come home, but “would not take a test and I would need to trust him that he was sober. We were moving in together for goodness sakes.” I told him he could not come home unless he was willing to take a test. He told me he wanted to break up, and I informed him he was making the decision for us if was not agreeing to take a test. I told him I’d leave his things outside. He showed up at my house, clearly out of it, I couldn’t tell if he was manic or high. He suffers from Bipolar Disorder and he had been without his medication for three days at this point. He seemed off, but I could not put my finger on it. He said he refused to take a test, and why don’t “I trust him,” blah blah blah. He then leaves the house, returns 15 minutes later and agrees to take a test. He then proceeds to STRIP OFF his clothing and say “look, I’m not hiding anything, I will take a test.” He goes into the bathroom and comes back out with his test. Perfectly clean. No drugs in his system. My HIGHER POWER told me this could not be possible, I knew he was on something. He then received a shady phone call from his “friend” (who I have never heard of) and says “I’m at my girlfriend’s right now, yeah, we’re discussing our apartment, I’ll call you a little later.” He then left my house and I went back to the garbage can that I threw away the test in. I opened the box and took it apart. Inside I found a vile of synthetic urine with a heating pad wrapped around it with a rubber band. He had tried to fake the test and had succeeded. At that moment I knew I could not continue like this any longer. I texted him that I had found the urine, that we could not continue to do this to one another, and that I would leave his things outside. He then texted me and said “fine, I’m just going to get high.”
He spent the next several days texting me, convincing me he had “only smoke pot and had stayed off hard drugs” his “back pani had been so extreme that he needed relief, etc. etc. He was so sorry and could he please come home, etc. etc. I stood my ground and told him “no.” He then began to beg me to not leave him, he would “die without” me and “kill himself” he has “no one” everyone has “left him” he has no “reason to live.” But, I still stood my ground. He asked me to take him to the ward, but my sponsor advised against it, finally after 10 days, he contacted his family and they took him to the ward. He spent 3 days there and then his mother picked him up and took him to Arizona (we live in Los Angeles) to try and get him away. He is now on a ranch with his mother. I’m not sure whether he is working a program or not, but he is there and I am having a harder time than I imagined. He has since contacted me twice this week. Telling me how sorry he is, and how he hopes I “love him” because he “loves me so much and does not want to lose me.” He is “doing everything he can to be sober and stay sober, and he just wants to be able to (keep me in his life) and talk to me."
My question is: Can I talk to him? If so, how often? I did not end things with him because I fell out of love. I still love him deeply, and care for him very much. He is like family to me. But, "nothing changes, if nothing changes," and I know that unlike the other relapses, I can not cushion his rock-bottom anymore. But, if I am being completely honest, I do not want to cut him out of my life completely either.
If anyone takes the time to read this, thank you.
For deep addictions and especially the stress and trauma that Vets go through, I have not seen anyone overcome this by just free will. It takes collective support and in all areas putting stress on the person, including finance, jobs, housing, and health care, or they keep falling back under stress from some area they aren't getting enough help with, and it just keeps going on.
If you ask any Vet group, nobody can make it on their own, there is just too much going on and no one can be expected to solve all that.
I am most concerned that your friend will set himself up to fail and be disappointed, and then try to lie to himself and hide that he can't break out of this alone. Why not accept how hard this really is and then maybe a team can be formed to address all the areas?
I am worried it is not healthy or realistic to think he can just commit and it's going to happen. It takes a lot more to work through all the layers and pressures that push someone to seek the quickest escape.
It's good he has the will, but that is not enough.
i don't want him to give up because of failure, because just fighting this on his own is more likely not going to work and it's NOT FAIR to judge himself by something that isn't possible anyway.
I hate to see that pressure him more, as that would drive me even further over the edge.
Please make sure he has connections with a Vet group for EACH area that he is lacking in support. And see if he can form a team around him to work on these areas without feeling overwhelmed. Just one step at a time, but have a go to person for each area that he is going to need to stabilize.
I am trying to set up a Vet housing now for people like him in recovery, because there are so many areas to cover at the same time.
It is going to take a team effort. so make sure he doesn't try to go it alone.
consider it like an organized military unit, where there are people of different roles all working as a team. So make sure he has someone for each position working with him and for him.
If you want to discuss ideas for networking with Vet groups that deal with each area, please PM me and I will try adding him to the team of Vets putting these houses together if he needs the same help.
So many Vets are in this same boat. You'd think they'd have figured it out by now instead of leaving a "man stranded".
Sorry for this and bless your heart for sticking with your friend.
My friends with past Alcoholic problems used to just wear me out,
until they really get past that projection phase and start working on themselves independently. You are a good friend, and he needs more support like you but professionals who know how to help Vets.
Thanks for everything you've done to help him out,
and I hope he finds the same support in all areas he requires.
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