How long does "recovery denial" last?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
How long does "recovery denial" last?
My fiancé hide his drinking until I uncovered it 60 days before our wedding date and wants to proceed like nothing has happened. I can't!! Yet I am here sleeping by his side because he is in "recovery". I really want to scream and yell at him for ruining what was suppose to be the happiest time of my life, our lives and now it's a living nightmare. He is in denial about his recovery, he thinks he can handle it with his own will power - it didn't work when I told him we need to postpone until we are in a healthier state. He slipped by drinking and getting drunk making a fool of himself a his group therapy. How long is the denial phase??
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Denial isn't a "phase" of alcoholism, or recovery, it's part of the disease itself. All he is doing is apparently going through the motions to appease you so you go ahead with the wedding.
If I were you, I'd just cancel the wedding and tell him you have no intention of legally chaining yourself to him until/unless he has a full year of SOLID sobriety. No "slips," no "oopsies." How he accomplishes that is up to him. Some people do manage to work a good recovery "program" without any formal program, but all he's doing is white-knuckling it. You'll know when someone is REALLY recovering when they are not only not-drinking, but becoming someone who doesn't need alcohol to cope with/enjoy life.
If I were you, I'd just cancel the wedding and tell him you have no intention of legally chaining yourself to him until/unless he has a full year of SOLID sobriety. No "slips," no "oopsies." How he accomplishes that is up to him. Some people do manage to work a good recovery "program" without any formal program, but all he's doing is white-knuckling it. You'll know when someone is REALLY recovering when they are not only not-drinking, but becoming someone who doesn't need alcohol to cope with/enjoy life.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
^^^^^^^^ this.
We don't get sober through will power alone. Well maybe some people can, but they aren't recovered. We tend to call people who quit but don't make any other meaningful changes "dry drunks."
Lexiecat is totally totally right. When an alcoholic recovers, we become a new person in many ways.
My partner and I have been together 10 years. I was a "little bit" alcoholic when we met, but neither of us really knew that. As it does, my alcoholism progressed. Thankfully, I've been in recovery for about three years and sober for two and a half. We got married in May. She has Said many times I've changed a whole lot. She is changing too. If both of you are willing, your relationship can evolve into something more beautiful.
For that to happen, he has to stop drinking, be honest, grow the heck up and respect your postponement or outright cancellation of the wedding. If he recovers, he will change. It won't be pretty for a while. It would be extra difficult with a wedding deadline looming over your heads.
We don't get sober through will power alone. Well maybe some people can, but they aren't recovered. We tend to call people who quit but don't make any other meaningful changes "dry drunks."
Lexiecat is totally totally right. When an alcoholic recovers, we become a new person in many ways.
My partner and I have been together 10 years. I was a "little bit" alcoholic when we met, but neither of us really knew that. As it does, my alcoholism progressed. Thankfully, I've been in recovery for about three years and sober for two and a half. We got married in May. She has Said many times I've changed a whole lot. She is changing too. If both of you are willing, your relationship can evolve into something more beautiful.
For that to happen, he has to stop drinking, be honest, grow the heck up and respect your postponement or outright cancellation of the wedding. If he recovers, he will change. It won't be pretty for a while. It would be extra difficult with a wedding deadline looming over your heads.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You seem pretty clear on where he's coming from. Now it's time to decide how to react to the situation. Stay and watch things deteriorate? Of course it's upsetting but you're lucky to see the reality now instead of post-wedding.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
2261 , It all depends on how long he's been in denial . Do you know how long he's been drinking or even how long he has been trying to stop ?
If he's still in active drinking ( not slipping ) He may just keep using that . To fool you into thinking he's really trying to stop .
Show him you mean business , put off the date . Until you know for sure ( have prof ) he has a plan in place & has some REAL sober time added up .
On the other hand there is NO guarantee's , you will marry and he could still slip into alcohol again ... I would find out how long & how deep he's been drinking , before any commitment ...
Marriage as you may know is for a Lifetime - make sure it's the Life you want .. Stay Strong - don't back down
If he's still in active drinking ( not slipping ) He may just keep using that . To fool you into thinking he's really trying to stop .
Show him you mean business , put off the date . Until you know for sure ( have prof ) he has a plan in place & has some REAL sober time added up .
On the other hand there is NO guarantee's , you will marry and he could still slip into alcohol again ... I would find out how long & how deep he's been drinking , before any commitment ...
Marriage as you may know is for a Lifetime - make sure it's the Life you want .. Stay Strong - don't back down
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
It isn't that he is in denial about recovery, it's just that he doesn't realize that sobriety does not equal recovery.
Like others have said, sobriety is just the first step. Then there are the issues that led to alcoholism. The recovery process involved both sobriety and therapy. Without the second step, it's just sobriety. And, sometimes you need therapy to just stay sober.
Recovery from alcoholism is so much more than just putting down a drink, and I don't know that is widely understood. Apparently, this man doesn't understand that concept (or doesn't want to take the steps necessary to actually recover). You have some really difficult decisions to make right now, and I feel for you.
There isn't a "denial" phase in the recovery process. The "denial" phase is in the active alcohol process, when they don't feel they have as big of a problem as they do, therefore do not need that help that is necessary. He's here.
Like others have said, sobriety is just the first step. Then there are the issues that led to alcoholism. The recovery process involved both sobriety and therapy. Without the second step, it's just sobriety. And, sometimes you need therapy to just stay sober.
Recovery from alcoholism is so much more than just putting down a drink, and I don't know that is widely understood. Apparently, this man doesn't understand that concept (or doesn't want to take the steps necessary to actually recover). You have some really difficult decisions to make right now, and I feel for you.
There isn't a "denial" phase in the recovery process. The "denial" phase is in the active alcohol process, when they don't feel they have as big of a problem as they do, therefore do not need that help that is necessary. He's here.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
2261
My heart hurts for you reading this post. Yes, you are correct, this should be one of the happiest times in your life right now. Believe me when I tell you that this is just the beginning of a life full of chaos if you marry this man in his current condition. Please do not do that to yourself. You are not legally tied to this man in any way, no children, consider yourself lucky! Do what is good for YOU at this time. Put your foot down NOW. If a wedding is meant to be after he cleans up his act then it will be. Don't sell yourself short, EVERY BRIDE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY. Sorry if I sound harsh but I have been where you are now. I married him thinking ( well, I could always get a divorce ) stupid, I know. Eleven miserable years later with the exception of the birth of my son I did divorce.
You've got the power..... Be good to YOU! Good luck and a big hug!!!
My heart hurts for you reading this post. Yes, you are correct, this should be one of the happiest times in your life right now. Believe me when I tell you that this is just the beginning of a life full of chaos if you marry this man in his current condition. Please do not do that to yourself. You are not legally tied to this man in any way, no children, consider yourself lucky! Do what is good for YOU at this time. Put your foot down NOW. If a wedding is meant to be after he cleans up his act then it will be. Don't sell yourself short, EVERY BRIDE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY. Sorry if I sound harsh but I have been where you are now. I married him thinking ( well, I could always get a divorce ) stupid, I know. Eleven miserable years later with the exception of the birth of my son I did divorce.
You've got the power..... Be good to YOU! Good luck and a big hug!!!
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