Help please!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 2
Help please!
I'm new to this group and I don't know where else to turn. I married a wonderful man and have three amazing kids, but my husband is more drunk than sober these days. He blacks out, he has put us in danger, he gets verbal abusive, he has even hit my and when he is sober he says he has no memory of it, he leaves in the car drunk in the middle of the night to go to the store for more alcohol I'm afraid he is going to hurt himself or someone else while driving drunk or even worse kill someone or himself, he stays up all night then pass out in the afternoon when we have things to do. I have begged, cried so many tears, our kids are starting to hate him and call him a drunk. My health is very poor and in the last 3 years I've had 7 major surgeries, I'm not sure how much more I can physically or mentally take. I don't know how to help him! Please anyone help me get my husband back and our kids their Daddy back. Any good advice that doesn't include giving up on him. I've tried to get him in any kind of group or counseling and he refuses.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi. Welcome to the forum. You will find much comfort and peace here from the beautiful souls who are going through or have been though much of the same. I hope you will find this forum as helpful as I have in dealing with the alcoholic in your life.
With that being said.....the only one that can "helpyourhubby" is your hubby himself. Please read around SR, make sure to read the stickies at the top of the forum ( there is a world of information in them ) and please find the nearest Alanon for yourself. That is how I suggest you begin..... Good luck to you... We are here!
Ro
With that being said.....the only one that can "helpyourhubby" is your hubby himself. Please read around SR, make sure to read the stickies at the top of the forum ( there is a world of information in them ) and please find the nearest Alanon for yourself. That is how I suggest you begin..... Good luck to you... We are here!
Ro
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: oklahoma
Posts: 85
You don't have to give up on him. I probably won't ever give up on mine but with some of them you have to learn how to do it from afar. If they have nothing to lose why would they stop?
Like if I had someone giving me loads of money all the time would I want to get a job and do things myself? No, probably not lol.
I thought for the longest time that surely there was something I could do to stop him. Surely love would prevail and be victorious over evil. Buuuut that's not how it works I found out after many many incidents.
I don't doubt that he loves me and the kids but chemically his brain is jacked up.
It's a fight he's got to fight inside himself. And I cant just shove my fist through his skull to try and find him... That might be illegal on a few levels even though I think it would make me feel better at the time lol.
He's like a vampire, and if you get toooo close to a vampire when they are realllly thirsty they miiiight just rip you to pieces. Not because they don't love you but because you are kinda in the way of something they "need".
Like if I had someone giving me loads of money all the time would I want to get a job and do things myself? No, probably not lol.
I thought for the longest time that surely there was something I could do to stop him. Surely love would prevail and be victorious over evil. Buuuut that's not how it works I found out after many many incidents.
I don't doubt that he loves me and the kids but chemically his brain is jacked up.
It's a fight he's got to fight inside himself. And I cant just shove my fist through his skull to try and find him... That might be illegal on a few levels even though I think it would make me feel better at the time lol.
He's like a vampire, and if you get toooo close to a vampire when they are realllly thirsty they miiiight just rip you to pieces. Not because they don't love you but because you are kinda in the way of something they "need".
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Would you be willing to go to a support group or counseling with your children? It sounds like you are all living in fear right now, and everything in the household is revolving around your husband's behavior. That kind of stress isn't good for anyone, and you need to make your own health and safety a priority.
About the violence during blackouts. I experienced many similar incidents, but was always willing to write it off as being due to his drinking because he would have no memory of most of his behavior after a binge. So I kept telling myself that it was the alcohol doing it, not him. It wasn't until I read here about blackouts- the drinker knows what they are doing DURING that time. It's only after a period of being unconscious that the behavior is forgotten.
You and your children deserve peace and safety in your own home. Making a choice to put the welfare of the family ahead of your husband who is voluntarily engaging in violent, dangerous behavior is not the same as "giving up" on him.
Please get some individual counseling for yourself and your children and attend some Alanon meetings if you can.
About the violence during blackouts. I experienced many similar incidents, but was always willing to write it off as being due to his drinking because he would have no memory of most of his behavior after a binge. So I kept telling myself that it was the alcohol doing it, not him. It wasn't until I read here about blackouts- the drinker knows what they are doing DURING that time. It's only after a period of being unconscious that the behavior is forgotten.
You and your children deserve peace and safety in your own home. Making a choice to put the welfare of the family ahead of your husband who is voluntarily engaging in violent, dangerous behavior is not the same as "giving up" on him.
Please get some individual counseling for yourself and your children and attend some Alanon meetings if you can.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
My health is very poor and in the last 3 years I've had 7 major surgeries, I'm not sure how much more I can physically or mentally take. I don't know how to help him!
now would be a good time to get help...........for YOU. he is quite capable of seeking help ON HIS OWN.....as it is he has become violent and dangerous. and that will continue to progress.
it would be advisable for anyone in your situation to get some well needed and deserved support. Alanon is for family and loved ones of alcoholics. I'd also suggest contacting a Domestic Violence group. you may very well need an exit strategy for your own safety.
now would be a good time to get help...........for YOU. he is quite capable of seeking help ON HIS OWN.....as it is he has become violent and dangerous. and that will continue to progress.
it would be advisable for anyone in your situation to get some well needed and deserved support. Alanon is for family and loved ones of alcoholics. I'd also suggest contacting a Domestic Violence group. you may very well need an exit strategy for your own safety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 8
I'm still in a marriage with an alcoholic who keeps relapsing, so I don't have a lot of answers for you. It is perfectly OK for you to want to help him, that is only natural. But don't forget about yourself and most importantly, your kids.
I think of it this way. There is nothing I can do to make my partner stop drinking. However, there are positive things that I can do every day. When I'm stressed, I take a walk instead of stress eating. When I want to drink to ease the pain, I don't.
But in the end, you have to do what is best for your kids. And sometimes, doing the right thing to protect your kids will hurt someone but so be it.
I think of it this way. There is nothing I can do to make my partner stop drinking. However, there are positive things that I can do every day. When I'm stressed, I take a walk instead of stress eating. When I want to drink to ease the pain, I don't.
But in the end, you have to do what is best for your kids. And sometimes, doing the right thing to protect your kids will hurt someone but so be it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by Helpmyhubby29 
I don't know how to help him! Please anyone help me get my husband back and our kids their Daddy back. Any good advice that doesn't include giving up on him. I've tried to get him in any kind of group or counseling and he refuses.
We all know how much it sucks.
The first step in helping your husband is to help yourself.... and your kids by taking care of yourself. Unfortunately, there is no way to "help" an alcoholic or addict who isn't willing to get help. It will drive you absolutely crazy trying to make them or convince him/her to do so.
I know this sounds really harsh and probably NOT what you wanted to hear... but on this site, you're going to hear it a lot! We all are on a journey to learn to let go of the need to "fix" someone who isn't ready or willing to fix themselves. Really... all you can work on is you hun.
Al-anon is also suggested as are all the reading materials you can find in the stickies up top of this forum. I personally love "Codependent No More". There is even an audio version of this on YouTube (for free).
Take a deep breath. You reached out for help. That is a step.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome from me, too.
You've gotten very good advice already. I've worked in the field of domestic violence for many years, and your situation sounds very dangerous--for you AND your children. You need guidance to help you with safety planning--that's number one. He's been drinking all this time, he can wait until you and the kids are safer. Call your local DV shelter or the national hotline. Talk with an advocate. Nobody will force you to leave him or insist that you call the police. You would more than likely be entitled to a protective order, but you may not be ready for that yet, either. An advocate can help you evaluate how much danger you are in and help you develop some plans that will keep you and the kids safer while you look at all your options and get some help for yourself and the kids.
Just to be clear, abuse and alcoholism are two SEPARATE issues. They often go hand in hand, but the majority of alcoholics are not violent, and many abusers do not drink. His recovery will require him to address both, WHEN he is ready. As mentioned above, there is no "fixing" an alcoholic (or an abuser) who doesn't want to be fixed.
Growing up in a violent home can damage children for life. There are many people on this forum who can tell you their own horror stories of their childhood, and they are still dealing with the fallout.
You know how on airplanes they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help anyone else? That's what you need to do. Al-Anon and a good advocate can help you get yourself together so you can make good choices for your and your kids' future.
You've gotten very good advice already. I've worked in the field of domestic violence for many years, and your situation sounds very dangerous--for you AND your children. You need guidance to help you with safety planning--that's number one. He's been drinking all this time, he can wait until you and the kids are safer. Call your local DV shelter or the national hotline. Talk with an advocate. Nobody will force you to leave him or insist that you call the police. You would more than likely be entitled to a protective order, but you may not be ready for that yet, either. An advocate can help you evaluate how much danger you are in and help you develop some plans that will keep you and the kids safer while you look at all your options and get some help for yourself and the kids.
Just to be clear, abuse and alcoholism are two SEPARATE issues. They often go hand in hand, but the majority of alcoholics are not violent, and many abusers do not drink. His recovery will require him to address both, WHEN he is ready. As mentioned above, there is no "fixing" an alcoholic (or an abuser) who doesn't want to be fixed.
Growing up in a violent home can damage children for life. There are many people on this forum who can tell you their own horror stories of their childhood, and they are still dealing with the fallout.
You know how on airplanes they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help anyone else? That's what you need to do. Al-Anon and a good advocate can help you get yourself together so you can make good choices for your and your kids' future.
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