Lex07

I'm not sure what to write. My boyfriend of two years is deciding he wants to part ways all of a sudden. This time last year he went to rehab after being close to a bottle for many years. I have been there with him his entire journey to becoming healthy. He gets in these odd moods where he wants to be alone and then voices that we need to take a break. I am so confused because the only reasoning he gives me is that he needs to make up for lost time and just be alone. It comes out of nowhere because we were fine just yesterday. This is heartbreaking for me. I don't know if this is his way of dealing with PAWS but I'm at a loss right now.

Anyone else dealing with this?

FeelingGreat

Hi Lex, unfortunately for you, this is not unusual when an addict is getting serious about sobriety. They often seem to feel that a relationship is too much to concentrate on when most of their energy is going into staying sober. They've been seeing the world through a haze of alcohol, and their brains are gradually adjusting to life without filters.
The poor partner who has stuck by them through the hard times gets discarded. I don't mean that your RA(recovering addict) is being deliberately cruel or doesn't care for you at some level; he's probably able to be honest finally. Your relationship may have been built around his addiction, and what to do about it, and now he's moved on.
Try to accept his decision and move on as well. There is a whole healthy life out there for you if you choose it. To get some understanding you could try attending Al-anon, which is for the friends and family of As. It doesn't matter that you've broken up; the trauma is still there to deal with.

honeypig

Hi, Lex--glad you found us here at SR. I hope you can take some time to read around the forums. I think a lot of what you read will sound familiar to you and will help you to take things less personally regarding the A in your life (which I know sounds impossible, but once you see how similar so many stories are, you do begin to see that it's the alcoholism and not anything YOU are doing or not doing...). Make sure to check out the stickies at the top of the page, too.

I'd like to second what FeelingGreat said about checking into Alanon and other sources of support and education for yourself. Whether you are with him or not, you've certainly been affected by his drinking, and all of that doesn't just go away b/c he has broken up w/you. For me, SR and Alanon have been a good combination--SR provides a very wide view and scope of experience, and is available any time, while Alanon gives the face-to-face component that is also important.

Welcome to SR--I hope you find the support you're looking for, and I hope you keep coming back to learn and grow. I wish you strength and clarity, Lex.

LexieCat

Hi, fellow Lex,

I'm sorry for your pain--breakups hurt no matter what the cause. The breakup might or might not have anything to do with his alcoholism. It does sound like he's been coming to this for some time. Sometimes when people get sober and start discovering who they really are, relationships that were a good fit before no longer are. It doesn't mean you haven't been a good partner to him--and if this were easy for him, he might have done it sooner.

I know none of that is any real consolation. It takes time to process and grieve a breakup. And to the extent you were affected by his drinking, I second the idea of Al-Anon--give it a try.

Hugs,

Praying

I dealt with this--though in my situation his need to be "alone" really meant to be with "that other woman". And after being "alone" he'd talk about maybe we should divorce, then after being home he'd change his mind. I couldn't figure out his mood swings on that front.

Bottom line...he didn't truly want to be with me, regardless of the reason. I eventually filed for divorce, and he later said "things might have turned out differently" if I hadn't left.

They wouldn't have. If someone is waffling or half-interested, they don't deserve you.