OT: Cheating husband - tell the wife?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
In these situations, I like to think of the Hippocratic Oath: "First, do no harm."
If one does nothing (not knowing the details of someone's situation), then the only harm being done is by the wrongdoer. If one guesses wrong, then informing the spouse/partner might do harm in and of itself.
Remember, the only information you have is that he tried to date you, lying about his marital status. You don't know what he might actually have DONE, nor do you know what kind of problems this might bring for the partner.
I just think it's too risky to take a chance that she wants/needs/would be well-served by knowing, versus the possibility of doing harm by telling her.
If one does nothing (not knowing the details of someone's situation), then the only harm being done is by the wrongdoer. If one guesses wrong, then informing the spouse/partner might do harm in and of itself.
Remember, the only information you have is that he tried to date you, lying about his marital status. You don't know what he might actually have DONE, nor do you know what kind of problems this might bring for the partner.
I just think it's too risky to take a chance that she wants/needs/would be well-served by knowing, versus the possibility of doing harm by telling her.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I wouldn't. I'm guessing they're from the Indian culture and she may not even be allowed to divorce or do anything about it, anyway. If she knows, she's trying to put on the good face (posting anniversary pics etc). If she doesn't know, I would say ignorance is bliss. If this was a friend or better acquaintance where you new her situation, my input would be quite different.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thanks again for all your responses. My instincts keep screaming not to tell. I am worried what I might unleash onto a total stranger from a distance. If she lived here and I could somehow talk to her in person, it would be different. But I am not comfortable of sending someone a message through social media about this. And if I tell one of her friends, then I put that person in a potentially terrible position.
To clarify, there is absolutely no doubt he would have had sex with me if I had agreed. That was clear as day (and clearly communicated). But I have no proof besides my word and his profile on a local dating site. He is a very skilled liar and master at gaslighting and blame-shifting, so I could see him spin this any which way. They are a modern, cosmopolitan, well-traveled career couple, so I am sure that cheating would not be acceptable in their circles.
My friend also pointed out that while he does not know my last name now, it would be easy for him to get my professional information because he knows where I am moving to and where I will work. My first name is not that common and there will be a picture on my employer's website. She warned me that he would have ways to retaliate if he wanted to. And he would be sure that I was the one who told his wife.
I hate this because I would want to know and because I have experienced first-hand what sort of emotional and physical damage cheating can do. But if I listen to my instincts, they very strongly tell me not to say anything. I had a long conversation with him about STDs and HPV (just conversationally) and he looked up more information after he got home, so perhaps that will do something...
I do welcome more thoughts if you care to share though! Thanks!
To clarify, there is absolutely no doubt he would have had sex with me if I had agreed. That was clear as day (and clearly communicated). But I have no proof besides my word and his profile on a local dating site. He is a very skilled liar and master at gaslighting and blame-shifting, so I could see him spin this any which way. They are a modern, cosmopolitan, well-traveled career couple, so I am sure that cheating would not be acceptable in their circles.
My friend also pointed out that while he does not know my last name now, it would be easy for him to get my professional information because he knows where I am moving to and where I will work. My first name is not that common and there will be a picture on my employer's website. She warned me that he would have ways to retaliate if he wanted to. And he would be sure that I was the one who told his wife.
I hate this because I would want to know and because I have experienced first-hand what sort of emotional and physical damage cheating can do. But if I listen to my instincts, they very strongly tell me not to say anything. I had a long conversation with him about STDs and HPV (just conversationally) and he looked up more information after he got home, so perhaps that will do something...
I do welcome more thoughts if you care to share though! Thanks!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by Praying 
One, if you choose to say nothing now, you should plan to say nothing forever. Saying it after it blows up is hurtful to the person and only clears your own conscience of having known.
Two, I didn't know, but knew things were off. If someone had told me I might have embraced it as finally KNOWING.
Here's why I think this. She already knows. it may be a cultural thing that this is expected, it may not. It may be that they have an agreement, it may not. Pretending everything is hunky-dory allows her to save face. Telling her after the fact is just embarrassing (everyone else knew) and infuriating (and nobody told me). Additionally, there may be abuse involved as has already been mentioned. Just because women say, "I'd want to know" doesn't mean in that situation, they'd actually find it helpful. Most are pretty angry with the messenger. if a woman WANTS to know, she will take the initiative to find out. A colleague of my mother's snooped around and decided to follow her husband one day, She took her best friend for moral support. She caught him with another woman, and she did it that way because she knew if she didn't catch him red-handed, he'd weasel out with some excuse that she'd believe.
He may in his own way be loyal to his wife. I know a couple in which the man, particularly in his youth, was a tremendous flirt. He sometimes went beyond that. The wife got a call one day from the current girlfriend who thought she ought to know what her husband was up to. The wife allegedly said, "He may be screwing you, honey, but every night he comes home to me." And he did. Every Sunday they went to church, too, and brought the children, who have all grown up to be thoughtful, honest, productive citizens. The couple recently celebrated their 40th anniversary. Sometimes this isn't a deal-breaker.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 21
I totally understand wanting to tell this poor woman that her husband is a cheating dog (she may already have some idea of that, btw), but I say: not your job. Doesn't mean it wouldn't be the 'right' thing to do, etc....just means it's not your job. It's his. Will he ever do it? Maybe not. Although if he's putting himself out there that much, something will eventually happen.
Just let it go and walk right away from that potential drama storm. It's of his making, not yours.
Just let it go and walk right away from that potential drama storm. It's of his making, not yours.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Yeah... that's a tough one.
My AH cheated.
No one said anything to me... I'm not sure how I would have reacted at the time, but I think in hindsight I would have appreciated it, especially if it was done in a kind and compassionate way.
I struggled with whether or not to tell the "other woman's" husband, and I didn't... looking back, I wish I would have right away....
I don't know... I guess I'm in the minority on this one, but I would tell her. I would just put it out there, as delicately as I could, knowing how devastating this could be to her, and let her do what she wants with the information.
My AH cheated.
No one said anything to me... I'm not sure how I would have reacted at the time, but I think in hindsight I would have appreciated it, especially if it was done in a kind and compassionate way.
I struggled with whether or not to tell the "other woman's" husband, and I didn't... looking back, I wish I would have right away....
I don't know... I guess I'm in the minority on this one, but I would tell her. I would just put it out there, as delicately as I could, knowing how devastating this could be to her, and let her do what she wants with the information.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I have deleted his number and all pictures and I am done with this, but my friend thinks his wife should know.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
I know I posted earlier what I thought , I didn't think about him possibly being harmful to you body , work , or mess up your life wise . That alone is one Good reason to leave it alone .
I have been reading all the replies . Most are mentioning STD's he could be passing on to his wife or other woman . That's if he is having unprotected s_x or have s_x at all with other woman .
A true story I seen on T.V. was somewhat similar . This man was having unprotested s_x with this crazy amount of woman . I forgot 15 - 20 , not sure . But it was a lot . Come to find out he had HIV for years and infected almost all of them . One by one found out about each other and pressed charges . Cause's bodily harm which could be deadly . I want to say it was Dr. Phil .
I just wanted to put that out there for something more to think about .
I have been reading all the replies . Most are mentioning STD's he could be passing on to his wife or other woman . That's if he is having unprotected s_x or have s_x at all with other woman .
A true story I seen on T.V. was somewhat similar . This man was having unprotested s_x with this crazy amount of woman . I forgot 15 - 20 , not sure . But it was a lot . Come to find out he had HIV for years and infected almost all of them . One by one found out about each other and pressed charges . Cause's bodily harm which could be deadly . I want to say it was Dr. Phil .
I just wanted to put that out there for something more to think about .
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
If this question was posted a year or so ago, I would have said no. No because the blame usually will point at the messenger.
Now, I say I would want to know. In fact, If I were to receive an anonymous note I would believe it more than if a woman I never knew called me, or even signed her name to the note. In my opinion, if someone signs their name it is she who is hoping that the husband will leave his wife and come to her. I there is not a name, it's just someone looking out for me: "hey, I'm not sure if you know this but your husband is out looking around. He had me pretty fooled for a while but I found your name and see you've been married for a bit.
I truly wish you the best with your husband. I just wanted to tell you because I would want to know."
That is the type of note I would think about writing.
By the way, as a married woman, I want to say thank you, for resisting the urge of a nice looking guy who could have eaisly swept you off your feet. That shows a lot of self-respect, because I could imagine it was hard in the beginning.
Now, I say I would want to know. In fact, If I were to receive an anonymous note I would believe it more than if a woman I never knew called me, or even signed her name to the note. In my opinion, if someone signs their name it is she who is hoping that the husband will leave his wife and come to her. I there is not a name, it's just someone looking out for me: "hey, I'm not sure if you know this but your husband is out looking around. He had me pretty fooled for a while but I found your name and see you've been married for a bit.
I truly wish you the best with your husband. I just wanted to tell you because I would want to know."
That is the type of note I would think about writing.
By the way, as a married woman, I want to say thank you, for resisting the urge of a nice looking guy who could have eaisly swept you off your feet. That shows a lot of self-respect, because I could imagine it was hard in the beginning.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
As someone else pointed out, too, you don't really know how far he'd have gone.
My alcoholic husband died five years ago. In the time since then, I've dated a number of men. I've been contacted by far, far more who disappeared when I mentioned meeting. I am an acquired taste, that can't possibly account for all the men who mysteriously disappeared. You *met* this man and went on a date with him and he was willing to make out with you. He's a sleaze, for sure. You simply *don't know* if he would have gone any further.
On the other hand, I can tell you that this is very common occurrence on all the dating sites. Fraud is rampant. And the goal may have been to hit you up for money, too, hence the L word so early on. It's interesting that something set off your radar so quickly. I have found that every con artist I've met (man or woman) was worldly, classy, warm, charismatic. It sounds cynical (heck, it IS cynical) that I now view anyone who seems perfect with suspicion. I like flaws. That is a sign I'm not being played. In every business I've worked in, the person escorted from the building and told never to darken the doors again was the one person who always has a clever story, always was "the manager who really cared about us," the one who brought home made baked goods to the office, the person who seemed like the perfect employee.
My current beau is a fine person, but he never presented himself as perfect, and actually, we were about nine months into the relationship before he said the L word. Good on you for asking for ID, and checking it out.
My alcoholic husband died five years ago. In the time since then, I've dated a number of men. I've been contacted by far, far more who disappeared when I mentioned meeting. I am an acquired taste, that can't possibly account for all the men who mysteriously disappeared. You *met* this man and went on a date with him and he was willing to make out with you. He's a sleaze, for sure. You simply *don't know* if he would have gone any further.
On the other hand, I can tell you that this is very common occurrence on all the dating sites. Fraud is rampant. And the goal may have been to hit you up for money, too, hence the L word so early on. It's interesting that something set off your radar so quickly. I have found that every con artist I've met (man or woman) was worldly, classy, warm, charismatic. It sounds cynical (heck, it IS cynical) that I now view anyone who seems perfect with suspicion. I like flaws. That is a sign I'm not being played. In every business I've worked in, the person escorted from the building and told never to darken the doors again was the one person who always has a clever story, always was "the manager who really cared about us," the one who brought home made baked goods to the office, the person who seemed like the perfect employee.
My current beau is a fine person, but he never presented himself as perfect, and actually, we were about nine months into the relationship before he said the L word. Good on you for asking for ID, and checking it out.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I've been cheated on - I was shocked at the people who knew and said nothing. I thought they cared about me...but they were his friends. I get it. Sort of.
I think I would send her an anonymous note with a link to his dating profile. That's all the proof you have. I'd just say - "thought you should know." Then leave it alone.
IMO - it should be MY choice if I want to stay with a cheater, not the cheaters choice.
That all being said...when I was cheated on, I knew *something* was amiss - just didn't know what.
I think I would send her an anonymous note with a link to his dating profile. That's all the proof you have. I'd just say - "thought you should know." Then leave it alone.
IMO - it should be MY choice if I want to stay with a cheater, not the cheaters choice.
That all being said...when I was cheated on, I knew *something* was amiss - just didn't know what.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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I say be glad you are out of it and it's their problem not yours.
Originally Posted by Kimmieh
I had already decided to let it all go, but a friend of mine insists that I should let the wife know that her husband is cheating. I am not comfortable doing that, but I would like to hear what you think.
I wrote this in another thread:
After a recent bad break-up, I was not looking for anyone, but ended up meeting this guy a few weeks ago. He wanted to go out, but I told him that I am not sure since I was not looking to get emotionally involved with anyone since it had only been a few weeks since the break-up and I felt vulnerable. He insisted and I have to admit that I was quite smitten with him, so I agreed.
We went out and the chemistry was INCREDIBLE. It was the best date of my life. I found him charming, worldly, classy, and drop-dead gorgeous. We sizzled! I tried to keep up my guard, but he talked love very quickly (alarm bells rang). I told him before I meet him again, I would have to check up on him. He gave me his full name.
I googled his name and nothing came up. He insisted it's his name and I asked him to send me a copy of his ID. He did a day later and I told him that I am flattered that he would go to such lengths as to photoshop this (so obvious, too). He denied and said I am crazy. Later in the day he came clean about having lied about his nationality (like I care where someone is from). He gave a reasonably good explanation and sounded adequately embarrassed and remorseful.
I asked for his real name and he gave it to me. The second link was to a magazine article about his honeymoon a few years ago. His wife's facebook had an anniversary picture of the two from a few months ago. I confronted him and heard again how crazy I am to assume he is married, until I said "Does (insert her name) know you are going after other women?" Then came the sob story about a woman he loved, but could not marry and giving in to his family's pressure to marry his wife (plausible given the culture he is from, but he went a bit too Bollywood on me there with the "woe is me"). I was spot on with my suspicions with the other stories and I am quite sure that he fabricated this, too.
So obviously I am not seeing him again and I am relieved nothing more happened besides kissing. Apart from the cheating, I found the gaslighting and blame-shifting astounding (there was more, but I am keeping it to the basics).
I have deleted his number and all pictures and I am done with this, but my friend thinks his wife should know. She is back in his home country while he is in North America for work. He is also on a dating site here (he told me), looking for a relationship. Any thoughts? I just don't feel comfortable with the idea.
As for me, I have implemented a 1-year non-dating period for myself. But I am also proud that I listened to my intuition with this guy.
I wrote this in another thread:
After a recent bad break-up, I was not looking for anyone, but ended up meeting this guy a few weeks ago. He wanted to go out, but I told him that I am not sure since I was not looking to get emotionally involved with anyone since it had only been a few weeks since the break-up and I felt vulnerable. He insisted and I have to admit that I was quite smitten with him, so I agreed.
We went out and the chemistry was INCREDIBLE. It was the best date of my life. I found him charming, worldly, classy, and drop-dead gorgeous. We sizzled! I tried to keep up my guard, but he talked love very quickly (alarm bells rang). I told him before I meet him again, I would have to check up on him. He gave me his full name.
I googled his name and nothing came up. He insisted it's his name and I asked him to send me a copy of his ID. He did a day later and I told him that I am flattered that he would go to such lengths as to photoshop this (so obvious, too). He denied and said I am crazy. Later in the day he came clean about having lied about his nationality (like I care where someone is from). He gave a reasonably good explanation and sounded adequately embarrassed and remorseful.
I asked for his real name and he gave it to me. The second link was to a magazine article about his honeymoon a few years ago. His wife's facebook had an anniversary picture of the two from a few months ago. I confronted him and heard again how crazy I am to assume he is married, until I said "Does (insert her name) know you are going after other women?" Then came the sob story about a woman he loved, but could not marry and giving in to his family's pressure to marry his wife (plausible given the culture he is from, but he went a bit too Bollywood on me there with the "woe is me"). I was spot on with my suspicions with the other stories and I am quite sure that he fabricated this, too.
So obviously I am not seeing him again and I am relieved nothing more happened besides kissing. Apart from the cheating, I found the gaslighting and blame-shifting astounding (there was more, but I am keeping it to the basics).
I have deleted his number and all pictures and I am done with this, but my friend thinks his wife should know. She is back in his home country while he is in North America for work. He is also on a dating site here (he told me), looking for a relationship. Any thoughts? I just don't feel comfortable with the idea.
As for me, I have implemented a 1-year non-dating period for myself. But I am also proud that I listened to my intuition with this guy.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
I like what Lil Amy said. Not your circus, not your monkey.
This guy got your hopes up and then betrayed you. He's a no-good lyin, cheatin bastard but I'm betting you know lots of people who do things their spouse would be upset about and you would never think of saying a word right? This is personal to you.
I dunno, to me another person's marriage is incredibly personal and hands off - even if he isn't honoring it. Plus, everyone SAYS they would want to know but I'm not sure I would if it was something in the past it would only hurt me and make her feel guilty so I'd rather not know.
Maybe this will make sense: Just because someone has a right to know does not give us a responsibility to inform them.
...then the point others made, the outcome is very unpredictable. The best thing IMHO is to stick to what you are doing, delete him. That means no contact, no pictures no nuthin. By telling his wife I assure you he will be calling on you and you will be right back in the middle of a drama with him.
Do you want a lot of drama with him or do you want him out of your life?
This guy got your hopes up and then betrayed you. He's a no-good lyin, cheatin bastard but I'm betting you know lots of people who do things their spouse would be upset about and you would never think of saying a word right? This is personal to you.
I dunno, to me another person's marriage is incredibly personal and hands off - even if he isn't honoring it. Plus, everyone SAYS they would want to know but I'm not sure I would if it was something in the past it would only hurt me and make her feel guilty so I'd rather not know.
Maybe this will make sense: Just because someone has a right to know does not give us a responsibility to inform them.
...then the point others made, the outcome is very unpredictable. The best thing IMHO is to stick to what you are doing, delete him. That means no contact, no pictures no nuthin. By telling his wife I assure you he will be calling on you and you will be right back in the middle of a drama with him.
Do you want a lot of drama with him or do you want him out of your life?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I am sorry for not following up after all this great advice - life turned a bit turbulent.
I did not tell her. I just cannot tell a total stranger over social media that her husband is looking to sleep with other women. It was not an easy decision, but my intuition kept saying no, so I followed suit. Thank you all for taking the time to respond! <3
I did not tell her. I just cannot tell a total stranger over social media that her husband is looking to sleep with other women. It was not an easy decision, but my intuition kept saying no, so I followed suit. Thank you all for taking the time to respond! <3
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