Sharalee
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Sioux City, IA
Posts: 3
Sharalee
HI--
My parents are in the thick of it with my sister. She is a alcoholic. She has been drinking since she was 16 for sure and I was 14.
She is now 37 and a little more than a year ago admitted she had a problem and went for treatment. It didn't work and she eventually went to AA on her own and got sober. She was married but after becoming sober she said that she did not feel that her husband supported her in her sobriety. We NOW know that she met her current boyfriend in AA . He was court ordered to go to AA and really never stated he had a problem. He (the boyfriend) was in a half way house and upon completing that program he and my sister basically started living together.
**She has 4 children under the age of 11. She was granted primarly custody. Her boyfriend a rap history a mile long including OWI , meth use, stealing, ect. So, he is a real peach. Well, we started noticing some differences in her behavior maybe a few months ago....suspicious that she was using again.
Well, just recently her boyfriend was picked up and is in jail again for another OWI and cocaine was in his system. Well. my sister had a total breakdown. She was acting really odd and I thought she was acting like she has been drinking again. My parents disagreed. Well, just last week they found her totally drunk with her kids and she admitted she had been drinking again. She had totally denied this before. SO--my parents who are the primary person that deal with her brought her up to a detox center. She asked our parents to care for the kids even though thier dad is totally able and willing and functional. They have a custody battle coming up so they don't want it to get out that she has been drinking again... So, we (me and my other siblings are being asked not to tell Mark and not to tell anyone else. They eventually asked Mark(my sister's X and the father of the kids) just saying that she was out of town and if he could care for the. He does have partial custody. (weekends and Wednesday nights) Well, my sister has been in detox for 3 days and she called our parents and asked them to pick her up that she was ready to go home. And they are picking her up as we speak and believe she can get well again. She always blames her drinking on someone else. She is in debt over her head. She was found (like I said ) drunk and not caring for her kids and they basically moved in there and cleaned everything up ---laundry, dishes, financial bills, taking care of her kids without the dads knowledge.
I believe my parent are not thinking cleary. They say they are doing it for the kids. They are SCARED TO DEATH of Lisa losing the kids as they would not see them either. They are also very scared of pissing off LIsa ---becuase she has threatened them they would not see the kids....!!! I have tried to talk to her about all of this. Telling her she is being manipulative and it is not all right with me...!! She of course becomes very angry and verbally abuses me and intimidates me.
All of us (me and my 1 other sister and 2 brothers) feel that mom and dad are making some serious mistakes in all of this and are enabling her disease. They say that can't give up on her and just won't seem to listen that they can't allow her to control them--- But, again they insist that for the kids . To make sure the kids are okay. They want to be a part of their lives.
I have suggested that they see a therapist that specializes in this....which they agree is a good idea but never seem to do.
Can we do anything else to help them see that they are a part of the problem...?? Even with the kids involved or am I wrong? WE believe that the father of the kids should have them. There is some hurt feelings between the father and my parents so again---I think they are afraid that if he has custody that they will not see the kids.
It is such a mess and we are all loosing respect for our parents. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???? :o
HELP ME PLEASE---ADVICE PLEASE--RESOURCES PLEASE. My parents are not young either and we see the impact this is having on all of them.
Thanks for any help
totally exsperated...
Sharalee
My parents are in the thick of it with my sister. She is a alcoholic. She has been drinking since she was 16 for sure and I was 14.
She is now 37 and a little more than a year ago admitted she had a problem and went for treatment. It didn't work and she eventually went to AA on her own and got sober. She was married but after becoming sober she said that she did not feel that her husband supported her in her sobriety. We NOW know that she met her current boyfriend in AA . He was court ordered to go to AA and really never stated he had a problem. He (the boyfriend) was in a half way house and upon completing that program he and my sister basically started living together.
**She has 4 children under the age of 11. She was granted primarly custody. Her boyfriend a rap history a mile long including OWI , meth use, stealing, ect. So, he is a real peach. Well, we started noticing some differences in her behavior maybe a few months ago....suspicious that she was using again.
Well, just recently her boyfriend was picked up and is in jail again for another OWI and cocaine was in his system. Well. my sister had a total breakdown. She was acting really odd and I thought she was acting like she has been drinking again. My parents disagreed. Well, just last week they found her totally drunk with her kids and she admitted she had been drinking again. She had totally denied this before. SO--my parents who are the primary person that deal with her brought her up to a detox center. She asked our parents to care for the kids even though thier dad is totally able and willing and functional. They have a custody battle coming up so they don't want it to get out that she has been drinking again... So, we (me and my other siblings are being asked not to tell Mark and not to tell anyone else. They eventually asked Mark(my sister's X and the father of the kids) just saying that she was out of town and if he could care for the. He does have partial custody. (weekends and Wednesday nights) Well, my sister has been in detox for 3 days and she called our parents and asked them to pick her up that she was ready to go home. And they are picking her up as we speak and believe she can get well again. She always blames her drinking on someone else. She is in debt over her head. She was found (like I said ) drunk and not caring for her kids and they basically moved in there and cleaned everything up ---laundry, dishes, financial bills, taking care of her kids without the dads knowledge.
I believe my parent are not thinking cleary. They say they are doing it for the kids. They are SCARED TO DEATH of Lisa losing the kids as they would not see them either. They are also very scared of pissing off LIsa ---becuase she has threatened them they would not see the kids....!!! I have tried to talk to her about all of this. Telling her she is being manipulative and it is not all right with me...!! She of course becomes very angry and verbally abuses me and intimidates me.
All of us (me and my 1 other sister and 2 brothers) feel that mom and dad are making some serious mistakes in all of this and are enabling her disease. They say that can't give up on her and just won't seem to listen that they can't allow her to control them--- But, again they insist that for the kids . To make sure the kids are okay. They want to be a part of their lives.
I have suggested that they see a therapist that specializes in this....which they agree is a good idea but never seem to do.
Can we do anything else to help them see that they are a part of the problem...?? Even with the kids involved or am I wrong? WE believe that the father of the kids should have them. There is some hurt feelings between the father and my parents so again---I think they are afraid that if he has custody that they will not see the kids.
It is such a mess and we are all loosing respect for our parents. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???? :o
HELP ME PLEASE---ADVICE PLEASE--RESOURCES PLEASE. My parents are not young either and we see the impact this is having on all of them.
Thanks for any help
totally exsperated...
Sharalee
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Sharalee,
It's up to your parents to decide when enough is enough. Talking to them can't hurt but I think it'd help if they heard the information from people who were not emotionally involved in the situation. Perhaps you could invite them to attend an alanon meeting with you?
It's up to your parents to decide when enough is enough. Talking to them can't hurt but I think it'd help if they heard the information from people who were not emotionally involved in the situation. Perhaps you could invite them to attend an alanon meeting with you?
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
First I am wondering what the kids want.
I am a grandparent in a sticky situation and I tread lightly for the very same reason that your parents are interfering. Because if I didn't I am sure I would not be in my grandson's life. Has anyone mentioned to them that if (when) the father found out what they are doing they most certainly would be cut out of their lives? It would serve them best and the children best if they worked with the father instead of against him.
My son is an alcoholic and he has no business having custody of my grandson. His mother died of a heroin overdose so he lives with the other grandma.
Whether you tell him or not that father is going to find out what they are doing and your parents are going to pay a high price for it.
What a mess!
JT
I am a grandparent in a sticky situation and I tread lightly for the very same reason that your parents are interfering. Because if I didn't I am sure I would not be in my grandson's life. Has anyone mentioned to them that if (when) the father found out what they are doing they most certainly would be cut out of their lives? It would serve them best and the children best if they worked with the father instead of against him.
My son is an alcoholic and he has no business having custody of my grandson. His mother died of a heroin overdose so he lives with the other grandma.
Whether you tell him or not that father is going to find out what they are doing and your parents are going to pay a high price for it.
What a mess!
JT
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Sharalee,
Your family could benefit greatly from Al-Anon. But just like anything else, they have to be willing to accept help. Before suggesting it to them, you may want to check out a meeting yourself. In the forum jump, select links and resources and follow the Al-Anon prompts. You can find meetings in your local area.
Learning to detach from alcoholism is not easy. We all want to fix it, even though the person who has it may not desire help. Unfortunately, trying to fix things often keeps the alcoholic from suffering the consequences of their alcoholism. Those consequences could be the thing that would cause them to seek help. Well meaning people can't see that they may be contributing to the problem instead of helping. Al-Anon teaches that we must let go and trust that God has a plan even if we don't understand it.
You can't help your parents any more than they can help your sister. But you can seek help and support for yourself. Your example may be more powerful than you think. Glad you joined us. Hope to continue to hear from you. Hugs, Magic
Your family could benefit greatly from Al-Anon. But just like anything else, they have to be willing to accept help. Before suggesting it to them, you may want to check out a meeting yourself. In the forum jump, select links and resources and follow the Al-Anon prompts. You can find meetings in your local area.
Learning to detach from alcoholism is not easy. We all want to fix it, even though the person who has it may not desire help. Unfortunately, trying to fix things often keeps the alcoholic from suffering the consequences of their alcoholism. Those consequences could be the thing that would cause them to seek help. Well meaning people can't see that they may be contributing to the problem instead of helping. Al-Anon teaches that we must let go and trust that God has a plan even if we don't understand it.
You can't help your parents any more than they can help your sister. But you can seek help and support for yourself. Your example may be more powerful than you think. Glad you joined us. Hope to continue to hear from you. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Sioux City, IA
Posts: 3
Thanks Magic, JT and Candence,
I will chech more into Al-Anon. We live in a very rural setting so the groups are a ways away but it would be worth it. My parents have said they have gone and it was only 2 people that looked like hill billies and didn't have alot to say. They probably didn't give it much of a chance. I guess I could. But, I am not as connected to this situation as they are. I have said NO they have not.
Like I said--they picked her up from detox yesterday and they say she is reading her bible, has all the plans set in place for outpatient counseling, AA meetings ect. SO...they want to believe that she is going to be okay. So, do I of course. She has been sober I believe for about a year up until the new boyfriend got out of the 1/2 way prison.
So, the boyfriend is back in prison so maybe she has a fighting chance again.
thanks again....
Have you guys heard about a "dry drunk" We have believed that is what she has been. She is sober but she has not gone through all the steps. never apologizing to anyone for how she has hurt us. She never gets beyond herself. Everything seems to be about her.
Well, again...thanks. I will keep in touch and keep looking at posts(old and new) for addice and support.
SharaLee
I will chech more into Al-Anon. We live in a very rural setting so the groups are a ways away but it would be worth it. My parents have said they have gone and it was only 2 people that looked like hill billies and didn't have alot to say. They probably didn't give it much of a chance. I guess I could. But, I am not as connected to this situation as they are. I have said NO they have not.
Like I said--they picked her up from detox yesterday and they say she is reading her bible, has all the plans set in place for outpatient counseling, AA meetings ect. SO...they want to believe that she is going to be okay. So, do I of course. She has been sober I believe for about a year up until the new boyfriend got out of the 1/2 way prison.
So, the boyfriend is back in prison so maybe she has a fighting chance again.
thanks again....
Have you guys heard about a "dry drunk" We have believed that is what she has been. She is sober but she has not gone through all the steps. never apologizing to anyone for how she has hurt us. She never gets beyond herself. Everything seems to be about her.
Well, again...thanks. I will keep in touch and keep looking at posts(old and new) for addice and support.
SharaLee
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey SharaLee,
I love that name. Glad you are sticking with us. Being around AA as much as I have, I have seen many dry drunks. Some don't last long. People can only live like that as long as they can stand the pain. Some can last for many years. Just because someone doesn't drink, it doesn't mean that they are ok. There are plenty of people who never have a drinking problem and live with misery. I was one. I thank God every day that I had an oportunity (at the time I thought it was the end of the world) to get into recovery. I don't know why it takes some people so much pain to decide to change. I guess we all learn when we are supposed to. Hugs, Magic
I love that name. Glad you are sticking with us. Being around AA as much as I have, I have seen many dry drunks. Some don't last long. People can only live like that as long as they can stand the pain. Some can last for many years. Just because someone doesn't drink, it doesn't mean that they are ok. There are plenty of people who never have a drinking problem and live with misery. I was one. I thank God every day that I had an oportunity (at the time I thought it was the end of the world) to get into recovery. I don't know why it takes some people so much pain to decide to change. I guess we all learn when we are supposed to. Hugs, Magic
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
