Carrie2015

Hi Everyone. I was very active on this site starting almost four years ago. However, I can't remember my old log on name; so my posting history is not here. I was with my boyfriend for many years. I did not know of his slowly increasing drinking because we were about a half days drive away for 2 1/2 of those years and he went to a big effort to hide it from me. He moved close to me after about 3 years; we were going to move in together and marriage was on the horizon. Long story short, after he moved to my area, I found out he was a closet drinker, long drawn out mess of waiting for him to get sober and psychiatric help, he was depressed, angry at life, all the stuff that comes from self medicating with alcohol. About a year passed of watching him be sober, but with extreme white knuckling. In addition, during this time my daughter got a brain injury and all my time was spent helping her in the hospital and E.R, etc. Everything was brutal and awful. I couldn't help his misery anymore. He wasn't doing the steps, he wasn't seeing his sponsor, and I stopped thinking he could possible get better. I didn't stop loving him but I really disliked him and hated him at times. I had no more room in my heart or my day to care about his problems, considering what was going on with my daughter. He wouldn't voluntarily back away, so I went "No Contact" No Contact is surreal. It's as if he died. No phone calls, no emails, everything blocked. So, it ended. That was two years ago. Last year on my birthday he sent me an email, wishing me a happy birthday. I didn't respond. I have dated moderately with a couple men, no one has really been of interest to me long term. Last week it was my birthday. EXAB sent me email wishing me a happy birthday and asking about me and the health of my daughter. I answered and since then we have had two or three text exchanges. He says he has been sober for three years, April 2015. He says he misses me and would like to have some sort of connection.

So, that is where things are. I never stopped caring for him, which I have always been bothered by. I wished my heart would let go of him; but it never did. Which is unpleasant. It's an itch that won't go away. I feel very scared over this and just wanted to say it out loud. I can only imagine unpleasant things coming out of meeting with him; I admit I have a strong prejudice against addicts; I can't even stand the smell of alcohol. Yet, there is the side of me that remembers how lovely we were together for those three years. I guess I just want to hear what people have to say. I feel so full of anxiety.

Carrie

iamthird

I think when we have anxiety about things, it is our warnings we need to listen to. When I look back on my choices, negative or positive...I never felt anxiety about things that were positive for me.

Some of the worst decisions I have ever made, I knew they were questionable but somehow talked myself into it or rationalized it.

Carrie2015

iamthird - good point about the anxiety. I am trying to be Zen like and not to over react. My intuition is in overdrive right now. More will be revealed if I just step back and watch. I wonder if this attachment to exab has to do with the drama and trauma.

iamthird

Out of curiosity, if he was blocked on email, how did he email you?

Reason I ask is because I would have STBAXH blocked but I would unblock him at times when I would feel weak.

Carrie2015

I didn't actually have email blocked...I had his emails forwarded to a online folder, which I never access, rather than to my active folder. I used to look at the folder on occasion, but have not for a very long time. So that is a good question. I don't remember undoing that. Mostly what I meant was Facebook and phone.

Kimmieh

Your heart probably just needs a bit more time. Two years is not a very long time, especially when it was an intense and emotionally invested relationship.

I also agree that your intuition is trying to tell you something. Whenever I felt the desire to get back together with axbf (in recovery), I felt anxiety creeping up and I have made a conscious effort to listen to my intuition.

hopeful4

Listen to your gut, every single time. XXX

ShootingStar1

For me, having left my now XH three years ago, divorced 2 years ago, I went through many cycles of being bereft that I left him, having him want me back and resisting him, only to have him reveal himself once again to me as the man I needed to leave. He remarried 6 months ago.

We needed to resolve a minor real estate issue this spring, and he was great. Seemed back to the man I used to know, funny, friendly, wanting to be friends. I was cordial, but I didn't bite.

Just before I left him 3 years ago, we went to a social event/cocktail party, and he was taken from the bar by ambulance having gone into a coma and almost dying after 2 drinks. At the ER, he tested a .329 blood alcohol level, and blamed me. Within 4 weeks, I left his abuse and venom against me.

Recently, 3 years later, I got an email from him saying that he now believed that I had hired a lawyer before that cocktail party, and my lawyer had arranged for someone to tamper with his drink and cause his collapse.

None of this has any bearing to reality. He still bears the deepest of grudges against me for something I didn't do; he still believes I caused his alcohol problems. While the surface presentation has changed, the depth of his emotional turmoil still functions, deep underground.

I would watch the cycle of emotions you feel; it is natural to want to recreate the good times and to still mourn them. However, do you know the tale of the scorpion and the frog?

The scorpion asks the frog for a ride across the river. The frog says "no, you will sting me and I will die". The scorpion says "No, I promise I won't". The frog relents and half way across the river, the scorpion stings him. As they both begin to drown, the frog says "Why did you sting me? Now we both will die." The scorpion replies "It is what scorpions do."

Maybe, if you xbf was not abusive, you aren't in the same situation. However, given the opportunity to wait until you heal and feel totally ready, or slip back into old unhappy emotional problems with him, I would suggest great caution.

For me, after 3 years of intense personal work, I am contented on my own, and I am ready to find a new partner who meets me where I am now. The relationships I have now are so much healthier than any I ever had before, and I believe that is because I have changed and am changing and have a much clearer idea of what healthy means. You will be free soon, emotionally free, and you have the opportunity to choose anew, without the baggage.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

ShootingStar1

Carrie2015

Thank you Shooting Star. No, my xbf was not abusive, he is rather mild mannered. HOWEVER, lying about drinking, accusing me of being overreactive over his drinking, his resistance to getting therapy and psychological help, being angry all the time, not at me, but at just about everything else; the news, co-workers, his friends, his family, the weather, etc etc, and this goes on for two years....well, it's like living in a emotional war zone. Maybe, just maybe, I might had been able to deal if my daughter had not had a brain injury...but she did. By the way, in our 15 minute phone call two days ago, he found at least 5 minutes to complain, about his job, his boss, and his $$ situation. This is a HUGE red flag. Anyway, I didn't sleep last night and am having a rare anxiety attack right now. I am going to try to walk it off.

biminiblue

He's an Ex for very good reasons. If you are having this visceral reaction, I would say that's very good indicator that No Contact is still a good idea.

atalose

Going back to your EX is like going to the fridge, taking a sip of the 3 week old nasty sour milk then put it back saying, “maybe it will taste better tomorrow”.

You admit you’ve not fully let go so you have not fully moved on. Him contacting you and you responding then being anxious and coming here to ask………………I think deep down you already know the answer.

IF he’s sober and that’s a big IF………….he’s done some work on himself and his issues…………what work have you done on yours?

minime13

You never stop caring because the person you love still exists inside, but they cohabitate with an alcoholic. There's nothing wrong with that.

Your concerns are now has he gotten help for his psychiatric issues? If he still doesn't have a healthy way to deal with his emotions, then it's only a matter of time before he starts using again. That's where the conversation starts - what kind of therapy and counseling has he participated in? If the answer is none, then he's really done nothing but find the strength, so far, to not pick up a drink, but nobody is that strong.

If he has actually done work so that he properly channels his emotions, and doesn't just mask them, then the question is are you willing to accept that? If you're not, then it's time to just let go.

LexieCat

There's nothing wrong with responding and saying you're happy he's doing well, but that you have moved on with your life and don't want to stay in touch.

I think sometimes we feel we "owe" it to someone to be "friends" or to stay in touch when they've gotten better. I'm certain that if my hopelessly alcoholic second husband sent me a communication like that, that would be my response. Happy to hear it, have a nice life.

Carrie2015

This contact was just so random, that it took me off guard. I never thought I would see/hear from him again. It's like walking around the corner, and bumping into an ex and not knowing what to say. The first day, it didn't bother me, but I guess the demons inside me starting being triggered. As far as work on myself? Honestly, mostly I have been taking care of my daughter the last two years. Maybe I have not really dealt with my feelings towards him. Have not had time. Life/Death of my daughter issues, vs an ex alcoholic boyfriend? Kind of no contest. But I guess I have been suppressing it all.

atalose

I am very sorry to hear of the issues with your daughter. It sounds to me like you HAVE put her and you as the priority in your life which is how it should be.

I don’t think we are ever fully prepared to deal with these kinds of life issues and unexpected return of people from our past. Often I hear so many say they would do this or they would say that but yet faced with the circumstance themselves decision making on the quick doesn’t come easy and I can imagine how much this has thrown you off balance, emotional disturbing and confusing.

Listen to your gut instincts and hear what they are telling you.

Carrie2015

Thank you atalose. It really did throw me off more than I could imagine. I am struggling to find equilibrium after the series of emails/texts/1 phone call. My gut tells me this. Even IF he is emotionally well and that is doubtful, my plate is full with taking care of my daughter. Also, I have a grandchild on the way. Also, I am still recovering from the brutality of my daughter's injuries. I have flashbacks, PTSD, and have zero business engaging in any romantic relationships. I wanted to write about this interaction, because the force of my feelings really scared me. Tuesday was one long panic attack and I am just now getting a bit of balance. I am going to exercise soon, as that is the only method of getting my footing back...oh and writing here. This forum is a life saver. I love you all.

Carrie