Testing 1, 2, 3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 15
Testing 1, 2, 3
I've been having trouble posting my first post for quite some time. Admin gave me a couple pointers, so hopefully this one makes it through! 
I've been struggling with a breakup with my ABF about 2 months ago. The reading I've done here has helped me so much. It was such a godsend to me during those first few days and weeks, but even now I'm still reading and checking back often to help myself grow and learn. It's amazing how similar my story is to so many I've read about here. It makes me feel less alone and helps me understand that the things I went through with him.
It amazes me just how difficult it has been for me to move on from the relationship. The lack of closure makes it so much harder. We never really broke up. He just stopped responding, disappearing for longer and longer stretches, and finally stopped responding at all.
I really loved him but he discarded me without a word after admitting to struggling with alcohol "to help him sleep" and then starting substance abuse classes, claiming he was trying to better himself (that I later learned were court ordered).
It was a whirlwind of a situation and such a sad realization to come to that he did not love me in the same way that I loved him. I have a son who was attached to him as well, and it's hard to believe he'd not only discard me without a second though, but my son (who he loved, I thought) as well.
Looking back, there were red flags all along, but I didn't ever suspect addiction. The more I've read about it, the more I've realized how he is basically the poster child for addiction. It's so sad to see such a waste of a life. I pray and hope for him to get help, but for now I'm focusing on my own help and growing and learning more about myself as a person, a parent, and a partner.
I've been struggling with a breakup with my ABF about 2 months ago. The reading I've done here has helped me so much. It was such a godsend to me during those first few days and weeks, but even now I'm still reading and checking back often to help myself grow and learn. It's amazing how similar my story is to so many I've read about here. It makes me feel less alone and helps me understand that the things I went through with him.
It amazes me just how difficult it has been for me to move on from the relationship. The lack of closure makes it so much harder. We never really broke up. He just stopped responding, disappearing for longer and longer stretches, and finally stopped responding at all.
I really loved him but he discarded me without a word after admitting to struggling with alcohol "to help him sleep" and then starting substance abuse classes, claiming he was trying to better himself (that I later learned were court ordered).
It was a whirlwind of a situation and such a sad realization to come to that he did not love me in the same way that I loved him. I have a son who was attached to him as well, and it's hard to believe he'd not only discard me without a second though, but my son (who he loved, I thought) as well.
Looking back, there were red flags all along, but I didn't ever suspect addiction. The more I've read about it, the more I've realized how he is basically the poster child for addiction. It's so sad to see such a waste of a life. I pray and hope for him to get help, but for now I'm focusing on my own help and growing and learning more about myself as a person, a parent, and a partner.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hi and welcome. if i could offer you one this it would be to toss out that word DISCARD.....he simply ended things. relationships end all the time and rarely do we have GREAT break ups....we also sometimes hook up with people and WE are much more invested in them then they ever were in US. some people just don't go all in like that....they hold stuff back.
love your son, take care of yourself, all will be well.
love your son, take care of yourself, all will be well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 15
Thanks, dandylion. Yes, that is so true.
(I wasn't sure if the original post would actually submit, so it was significantly reduced from some of the longer, more detailed posts I've attempted.)
I just keep reading that time, time, time will heal all wounds, but alcoholism and addiction is such a difficult beast to understand. Even today, although I know in my mind that it's healthier that we are apart and probably for the best that I don't hear from him, it's so sad that alcohol tears so many relationships and families apart. My emotions and my mind just can't keep up.
The relationship started off so promising, he was everything I ever wanted. He felt the same for me... we had so much in common, got along great, and enjoyed each other's company. I fell fast and hard. He bought me an engagement ring very early on (red flag now, but at the time it somehow felt right), made plans for "our" future...then slowly, things started unraveling.
I so desperately wanted us to get back to where we started that I clung to the hope that things would improve once he worked through his various (and ever increasing) personal problems.
He would disappear for longer stretches of time, constantly went outside to smoke when he was around and would come back inside acting much more..."up", his moods were increasingly volatile and he would either blow up at me over an innocent comment or give me the silent treatment for long stretches. Other times, he would be loving and supportive and a great friend and listener, talking of our future and how different he'd be...as soon as_______ (it was always something).
I wanted to believe that we would be different and we were meant to be together, so I just kept trying to be more patient and understanding. I thought it was depression that he was struggling with. I never really understood the extent of the alcoholism. I was so proud of him for trying to better himself by going to treatment, but also so confused that his behavior became much more angry and he was moodier than I had ever seen him the longer he attended his alcohol classes.
It was like I had to adhere to a set of rules that he wasn't expected to follow. He'd get mad at me for getting mad (!), but he offered so little in return. After not hearing from him for several days and trying very hard to contact him, I finally went to his house to check on him. He FLIPPED out. He still refused to answer the phone, instead texting me terribly nasty rants (from inside the house) about how he was so much less stressed without me and how I had no right to show up at his house. He was clearly not in a state to be seen, but wasn't man enough to even have a simple conversation to my face.
He ran down the hall and literally slammed the door in my face. Threatened to call the police.
Told me to leave. So I did.
And that's the last time I saw him.
The lack of closure is the hardest, but it's also so mind boggling that someone could treat another person that way, let alone someone they (supposedly) care about!
I've sinse learned that he has a terrible history with alcohol abuse and many of the things he told me about his situation and history were half-truths. He's a master manipulator. What a painful life lesson that I was never interested in learning.
(I wasn't sure if the original post would actually submit, so it was significantly reduced from some of the longer, more detailed posts I've attempted.)
I just keep reading that time, time, time will heal all wounds, but alcoholism and addiction is such a difficult beast to understand. Even today, although I know in my mind that it's healthier that we are apart and probably for the best that I don't hear from him, it's so sad that alcohol tears so many relationships and families apart. My emotions and my mind just can't keep up.
The relationship started off so promising, he was everything I ever wanted. He felt the same for me... we had so much in common, got along great, and enjoyed each other's company. I fell fast and hard. He bought me an engagement ring very early on (red flag now, but at the time it somehow felt right), made plans for "our" future...then slowly, things started unraveling.
I so desperately wanted us to get back to where we started that I clung to the hope that things would improve once he worked through his various (and ever increasing) personal problems.
He would disappear for longer stretches of time, constantly went outside to smoke when he was around and would come back inside acting much more..."up", his moods were increasingly volatile and he would either blow up at me over an innocent comment or give me the silent treatment for long stretches. Other times, he would be loving and supportive and a great friend and listener, talking of our future and how different he'd be...as soon as_______ (it was always something).
I wanted to believe that we would be different and we were meant to be together, so I just kept trying to be more patient and understanding. I thought it was depression that he was struggling with. I never really understood the extent of the alcoholism. I was so proud of him for trying to better himself by going to treatment, but also so confused that his behavior became much more angry and he was moodier than I had ever seen him the longer he attended his alcohol classes.
It was like I had to adhere to a set of rules that he wasn't expected to follow. He'd get mad at me for getting mad (!), but he offered so little in return. After not hearing from him for several days and trying very hard to contact him, I finally went to his house to check on him. He FLIPPED out. He still refused to answer the phone, instead texting me terribly nasty rants (from inside the house) about how he was so much less stressed without me and how I had no right to show up at his house. He was clearly not in a state to be seen, but wasn't man enough to even have a simple conversation to my face.
He ran down the hall and literally slammed the door in my face. Threatened to call the police.
Told me to leave. So I did.
And that's the last time I saw him.
The lack of closure is the hardest, but it's also so mind boggling that someone could treat another person that way, let alone someone they (supposedly) care about!
I've sinse learned that he has a terrible history with alcohol abuse and many of the things he told me about his situation and history were half-truths. He's a master manipulator. What a painful life lesson that I was never interested in learning.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Suwanee, Ga
Posts: 31
Hi- so sorry you are in pain. Please read my previous posts. You will discover that our stories are very similar except I married him and he threw his new bride out. It's a sick disease; however some people are simply assholes who drink. For the longest time I blamed the alcohol for his behavior; I believe now that he is a very sick person who has an addiction. Please know that this will pass and you be so glad to be free of it. I became physically sick towards the end. I am free of drama and chaos. Yes; I still miss him but I think of how he treated me and discarded me. You have to think of the bad. Right now you are craving him like he craves the drink. It will pass. Just hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 15
abitconfused---I'm still reading through your posts, but I'm amazed how similar the stories are!
I will reach out to you via private message, once I figure out how to do that.
It DOES feel like a craving. I've never felt this kind of addictive feeling to another person. I'm generally happy being single and have always enjoyed being independent. That's why this is really difficult to figure it all out.
I agree though...this is more than 'just' addiction. He might just be an ass! Abuse is abuse and his behaviors were still a choice, no matter if he was falling down drunk or totally sober.
We had some interaction via text about a week and a half ago. I confronted him on he treated me, and it actually made me feel a lot better. I know it goes against all advice for maintaining no contact (Which I've done since), but it felt good. I felt proud of myself for standing up for myself.
The incredulous part is, after I supported him in so many ways... financed major purchases for "our" future, listened to him rant about the injustices of the legal and professional issues he was facing, loved him, etc...he now blames me for everything! He takes absolutely no accountability on his part for any of his hurtful, despicable behavior. He even finds ways to blame me for things that happened before he even met me. After having some space from the insanity of the situation, it was almost laughable.
I see my part in the situation. I should've walked away at the first red flag. I shouldn't have stayed for the promise of a better tomorrow. I shouldn't have agreed to do things that my gut instincts told me weren't the right thing to do. I shouldn't have taken responsibility for things that weren't my fault. I shouldn't have made excuses for him and I shouldn't have accepted less than I deserve. It's a really difficult lesson and I just want to be through the hard work and pain.
I will reach out to you via private message, once I figure out how to do that.
It DOES feel like a craving. I've never felt this kind of addictive feeling to another person. I'm generally happy being single and have always enjoyed being independent. That's why this is really difficult to figure it all out.
I agree though...this is more than 'just' addiction. He might just be an ass! Abuse is abuse and his behaviors were still a choice, no matter if he was falling down drunk or totally sober.
We had some interaction via text about a week and a half ago. I confronted him on he treated me, and it actually made me feel a lot better. I know it goes against all advice for maintaining no contact (Which I've done since), but it felt good. I felt proud of myself for standing up for myself.
The incredulous part is, after I supported him in so many ways... financed major purchases for "our" future, listened to him rant about the injustices of the legal and professional issues he was facing, loved him, etc...he now blames me for everything! He takes absolutely no accountability on his part for any of his hurtful, despicable behavior. He even finds ways to blame me for things that happened before he even met me. After having some space from the insanity of the situation, it was almost laughable.
I see my part in the situation. I should've walked away at the first red flag. I shouldn't have stayed for the promise of a better tomorrow. I shouldn't have agreed to do things that my gut instincts told me weren't the right thing to do. I shouldn't have taken responsibility for things that weren't my fault. I shouldn't have made excuses for him and I shouldn't have accepted less than I deserve. It's a really difficult lesson and I just want to be through the hard work and pain.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
bubbleguppies, (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Welcome to SR, sorry you needed to search this forum out. I get you, I really do.
I was married for over 27 years, with him for 25. Mine pulled the disappearing act all the time. I called it "running away" for home. Once he started it, the periods of time got longer and longer. When he would reappear, he would walk in the house, and since I didn't jump in his arms and beg him to stay, he would say we haven't fought in over 3 months, or longer, what's your problem, can't you just get over things. (We didn't fight, because he completely ignored me for that period of time, and I never knew where he was)
I think when you get into these situations, I think we are so shocked, that we sit around and wait for a phone call or for them to come back, we replay everything over and over in our heads, that sometimes, that is about the only thing we can think of. They show up, and we are soooooooo relieved. None of this is normal.
It is the lack of closure, because we so much want closure. We get nothing but doubts, and it affects our self esteem. I mean, don't they always tell us how everything is wrong with us, so we were always trying to do or be what or who they wanted, and that didn't work either.
I never got closure from him, I had to give it to myself. I did deserve someone who loved me, who could communicate with me, someone who would try to cordial discuss a problem, instead of "running". I was never able to say I was upset about anything, he would just get mad. He actually told a psychologist this, thinking that it was "normal?".
Being blamed for things before they even happen, I know yours was before you knew him, but I was blamed for him abusing me, all that time, because he knew I would eventually leave him. How much sense does that make.
Just (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))), and glad that you are here, welcome to the family, and please keep us updated, we really do care.
amy
Welcome to SR, sorry you needed to search this forum out. I get you, I really do.
I was married for over 27 years, with him for 25. Mine pulled the disappearing act all the time. I called it "running away" for home. Once he started it, the periods of time got longer and longer. When he would reappear, he would walk in the house, and since I didn't jump in his arms and beg him to stay, he would say we haven't fought in over 3 months, or longer, what's your problem, can't you just get over things. (We didn't fight, because he completely ignored me for that period of time, and I never knew where he was)
I think when you get into these situations, I think we are so shocked, that we sit around and wait for a phone call or for them to come back, we replay everything over and over in our heads, that sometimes, that is about the only thing we can think of. They show up, and we are soooooooo relieved. None of this is normal.
It is the lack of closure, because we so much want closure. We get nothing but doubts, and it affects our self esteem. I mean, don't they always tell us how everything is wrong with us, so we were always trying to do or be what or who they wanted, and that didn't work either.
I never got closure from him, I had to give it to myself. I did deserve someone who loved me, who could communicate with me, someone who would try to cordial discuss a problem, instead of "running". I was never able to say I was upset about anything, he would just get mad. He actually told a psychologist this, thinking that it was "normal?".
Being blamed for things before they even happen, I know yours was before you knew him, but I was blamed for him abusing me, all that time, because he knew I would eventually leave him. How much sense does that make.
Just (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))), and glad that you are here, welcome to the family, and please keep us updated, we really do care.
amy
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Bubble guppies, welcome. You will receive so much support and understanding here. I have felt so much of what you are feeling. I am still struggling with it all. Some days are good and I'm healthy in my thinking and other days are really difficult. All I can suggest is concentrate on you and your recovery. Be gentle with yourself and treat you like you would your best friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 15
Thank you for the kind replies. It really is helpful to know others have gone through similar circumstances, although sad to know that there are so many toxic people like this out in the world! When I read back through so many similar stories, I keep finding my own situation. There was so much drama all the time, so many ups and downs, that I forget details until I read them in someone else's story and think "Oh yeah! That happened too!"
He would claim, and I really do think he thinks this is true in his own sick mind, that he never forgets anything, ever! Like this man who himself admits to struggling with alcohol and blackouts when drinking, is just given this incredible gift to remember everything! I asked how he could possibly know what he is forgetting, but that just fell on deaf ears.
Looking back, I think he forgets/blackouts so many details that he clings to a few details and just repeats them over and over. He convinced me of so many things, claiming we had already talked about it and I just forgot. No matter that I've never experienced a problems with forgetfulness or constant conflict with anyone else in my life, I started feeling like maybe I really do forget everything. Although, constant conflict isn't entirely accurate, because like Amy55 said...we didn't really argue. Our dynamics were more like...he ignored me, I felt confused, and I tried to make it better.
Amy55 "Running Away from home" is so accurate! That's exactly what it felt like. One time I mentioned how he uses the silent treatment on me, and he clung to those words with such anger. I guess he did do the disappear/reappear thing throughout the relationship, but I was busy with my own life most of the time, so it took me a while to really recognize it.
This time feels much more final. I just don't see him coming back. While I know he is giving me a great gift, there is that unsettling feeling of wondering if/when he'll return. A part of me wants for him to reappear so I'll get that apology that I so deserve. Plus, it's hard not to remember all the happy, kind, loving times, but I just try to remind myself that those times were the facade. His behavior now is the "real" him. Sucks.
The more time that passes helps me understand that closure must come from within myself. It IS shocking because I would never dream of treating another human like this, and I definitely wouldn't treat another human I planned on marrying like that.
He would claim, and I really do think he thinks this is true in his own sick mind, that he never forgets anything, ever! Like this man who himself admits to struggling with alcohol and blackouts when drinking, is just given this incredible gift to remember everything! I asked how he could possibly know what he is forgetting, but that just fell on deaf ears.
Looking back, I think he forgets/blackouts so many details that he clings to a few details and just repeats them over and over. He convinced me of so many things, claiming we had already talked about it and I just forgot. No matter that I've never experienced a problems with forgetfulness or constant conflict with anyone else in my life, I started feeling like maybe I really do forget everything. Although, constant conflict isn't entirely accurate, because like Amy55 said...we didn't really argue. Our dynamics were more like...he ignored me, I felt confused, and I tried to make it better.
Amy55 "Running Away from home" is so accurate! That's exactly what it felt like. One time I mentioned how he uses the silent treatment on me, and he clung to those words with such anger. I guess he did do the disappear/reappear thing throughout the relationship, but I was busy with my own life most of the time, so it took me a while to really recognize it.
This time feels much more final. I just don't see him coming back. While I know he is giving me a great gift, there is that unsettling feeling of wondering if/when he'll return. A part of me wants for him to reappear so I'll get that apology that I so deserve. Plus, it's hard not to remember all the happy, kind, loving times, but I just try to remind myself that those times were the facade. His behavior now is the "real" him. Sucks.
The more time that passes helps me understand that closure must come from within myself. It IS shocking because I would never dream of treating another human like this, and I definitely wouldn't treat another human I planned on marrying like that.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I asked how he could possibly know what he is forgetting, but that just fell on deaf ears.
You dodged a bullet, dear. He treated you terribly, he has many many problems in addition to being an addict, yes he has a good side (they all do) and I know it hurts.
You said it best - closure will come from within you. The end of contact with him is a gift. Hang onto that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
After not hearing from him for several days and trying very hard to contact him, I finally went to his house to check on him. He FLIPPED out. He still refused to answer the phone, instead texting me terribly nasty rants (from inside the house) about how he was so much less stressed without me and how I had no right to show up at his house. He was clearly not in a state to be seen, but wasn't man enough to even have a simple conversation to my face.
He ran down the hall and literally slammed the door in my face. Threatened to call the police.
Told me to leave. So I did.
And that's the last time I saw him.
The lack of closure is the hardest, but it's also so mind boggling that someone could treat another person that way, let alone someone they (supposedly) care about!
sounds like you GOT closure, just not in the manner you were hoping for.
sounds like he was doing crack or meth....and that is not a road you want to go down!!!
you did indeed dodge a bullet.
He ran down the hall and literally slammed the door in my face. Threatened to call the police.
Told me to leave. So I did.
And that's the last time I saw him.
The lack of closure is the hardest, but it's also so mind boggling that someone could treat another person that way, let alone someone they (supposedly) care about!
sounds like you GOT closure, just not in the manner you were hoping for.
sounds like he was doing crack or meth....and that is not a road you want to go down!!!
you did indeed dodge a bullet.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Suwanee, Ga
Posts: 31
Reading this is eerie. It is the same behavior my ex demonstrated. He kicked me out saying he wasn't attracted to me anymore and he didn't want me. We had just married 5 months before with my mom and children there. He we all became close as a family. He kicked me out and never said a word to my family; kids; (they are older and did not live with us but we are still very close.) I never said Goodbye to his family. He got on a dating site the next week. I never got closure; I never actually caught him relapsing. Last week I found his profile on a dating site and he says he socially drinks. That was my closure. I still have a hard time letting go as normal people form connections; I don't think he did. How does someone say "I'm not attracted to you anymore?" It was horrific. It hurt my self-esteem tremendously. I want to text him how horrible he is but I know it will do no good. :-/ I understand completely what you are going through. He just moved on...
Originally Posted by bubbleguppies 
abitconfused---I'm still reading through your posts, but I'm amazed how similar the stories are!
I will reach out to you via private message, once I figure out how to do that.
It DOES feel like a craving. I've never felt this kind of addictive feeling to another person. I'm generally happy being single and have always enjoyed being independent. That's why this is really difficult to figure it all out.
I agree though...this is more than 'just' addiction. He might just be an ass! Abuse is abuse and his behaviors were still a choice, no matter if he was falling down drunk or totally sober.
We had some interaction via text about a week and a half ago. I confronted him on he treated me, and it actually made me feel a lot better. I know it goes against all advice for maintaining no contact (Which I've done since), but it felt good. I felt proud of myself for standing up for myself.
The incredulous part is, after I supported him in so many ways... financed major purchases for "our" future, listened to him rant about the injustices of the legal and professional issues he was facing, loved him, etc...he now blames me for everything! He takes absolutely no accountability on his part for any of his hurtful, despicable behavior. He even finds ways to blame me for things that happened before he even met me. After having some space from the insanity of the situation, it was almost laughable.
I see my part in the situation. I should've walked away at the first red flag. I shouldn't have stayed for the promise of a better tomorrow. I shouldn't have agreed to do things that my gut instincts told me weren't the right thing to do. I shouldn't have taken responsibility for things that weren't my fault. I shouldn't have made excuses for him and I shouldn't have accepted less than I deserve. It's a really difficult lesson and I just want to be through the hard work and pain.
I will reach out to you via private message, once I figure out how to do that.
It DOES feel like a craving. I've never felt this kind of addictive feeling to another person. I'm generally happy being single and have always enjoyed being independent. That's why this is really difficult to figure it all out.
I agree though...this is more than 'just' addiction. He might just be an ass! Abuse is abuse and his behaviors were still a choice, no matter if he was falling down drunk or totally sober.
We had some interaction via text about a week and a half ago. I confronted him on he treated me, and it actually made me feel a lot better. I know it goes against all advice for maintaining no contact (Which I've done since), but it felt good. I felt proud of myself for standing up for myself.
The incredulous part is, after I supported him in so many ways... financed major purchases for "our" future, listened to him rant about the injustices of the legal and professional issues he was facing, loved him, etc...he now blames me for everything! He takes absolutely no accountability on his part for any of his hurtful, despicable behavior. He even finds ways to blame me for things that happened before he even met me. After having some space from the insanity of the situation, it was almost laughable.
I see my part in the situation. I should've walked away at the first red flag. I shouldn't have stayed for the promise of a better tomorrow. I shouldn't have agreed to do things that my gut instincts told me weren't the right thing to do. I shouldn't have taken responsibility for things that weren't my fault. I shouldn't have made excuses for him and I shouldn't have accepted less than I deserve. It's a really difficult lesson and I just want to be through the hard work and pain.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I love the saying on here " it is like going to the hardware store to buy a loaf of bread" or something similar to that. You are not going to get the closure you expect or need from this person. He doesn't have it in him to be capable of it. As hard as it is, it is best to accept it is what it is and let that be your closure. He slammed the door in your face. That would be all the closure needed. Move on. This person doesn't deserve any more of your time or energy. Focus that energy on you and on moving forward with your own life. Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 15
Thanks, indeed a bullet was dodged! That's true. I guess I did get closure. Literal closure, in the form of a door in my face.
This morning I drove by the jewelry store where he bought my ring. I was talking to my mom and saying it was hard to drive by there, but it would've been a lot harder a month or so ago (when I was a lot more upset). She just paused and said, "Um...it would've been a lot harder if you would've married an abusive alcoholic!" Touche, mama.
Writing it out is eye opening. It almost makes me laugh at the insanity of it all. There's really no sugar coating it to make it better than it was.
This morning I drove by the jewelry store where he bought my ring. I was talking to my mom and saying it was hard to drive by there, but it would've been a lot harder a month or so ago (when I was a lot more upset). She just paused and said, "Um...it would've been a lot harder if you would've married an abusive alcoholic!" Touche, mama.
Writing it out is eye opening. It almost makes me laugh at the insanity of it all. There's really no sugar coating it to make it better than it was.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
sounds like you GOT closure, just not in the manner you were hoping for.
sounds like he was doing crack or meth....and that is not a road you want to go down!!!
you did indeed dodge a bullet.
Interesting about meth or crack (and sad). I wouldn't have ever guessed that was a possibility, but I read a lot about the symptoms of their use, and man...he sure had a lot of them. I have definitely suspected coke. The whole situation is just something I've never really been exposed to, so I was so much more naive than I ever realized.
My son's father is a drinker, but he looks like a freakin' angel compared to what I've been through with this guy. At least with him, I know what to expect and we are able to be good friends who get along for my son.
As of the last time I talked to him a couple weeks ago, he claims he's drinking less (to look good in his legal situation), but I've speculated that he probably failed to mention his handy coke/pill/whatever habit he's picked up instead.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
My dear, you have been through the wringer! Think of the sound of his slamming door as music to your ears!
They walk out on themselves waaaaaaay before they walk out on loved ones. We want the type of closure that reassures us that though we part, what we had was real and we are still valued. That takes introspection, self awareness, empathy, respect, a good memory, maturity, courage and a whole slew of other characteristics active addicts aren't capable of anymore than fish are capable of riding a bike. It gets better. Keep reading, keep learning, keep praying! ((((Hugs)))
They walk out on themselves waaaaaaay before they walk out on loved ones. We want the type of closure that reassures us that though we part, what we had was real and we are still valued. That takes introspection, self awareness, empathy, respect, a good memory, maturity, courage and a whole slew of other characteristics active addicts aren't capable of anymore than fish are capable of riding a bike. It gets better. Keep reading, keep learning, keep praying! ((((Hugs)))
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Originally Posted by iGirl66
My dear, you have been through the wringer! Think of the sound of his slamming door as music to your ears!
They walk out on themselves waaaaaaay before they walk out on loved ones. We want the type of closure that reassures us that though we part, what we had was real and we are still valued. That takes introspection, self awareness, empathy, respect, a good memory, maturity, courage and a whole slew of other characteristics active addicts aren't capable of anymore than fish are capable of riding a bike. It gets better. Keep reading, keep learning, keep praying! ((((Hugs)))
They walk out on themselves waaaaaaay before they walk out on loved ones. We want the type of closure that reassures us that though we part, what we had was real and we are still valued. That takes introspection, self awareness, empathy, respect, a good memory, maturity, courage and a whole slew of other characteristics active addicts aren't capable of anymore than fish are capable of riding a bike. It gets better. Keep reading, keep learning, keep praying! ((((Hugs)))
I had convinced myself that I'm getting to an age where everyone is going to have "issues" and we would just find a way to work through whatever life through at us. Well, that's all fine and dandy for normal, everyday issues of life, but I had no idea what I was up against. Especially when the other half of the relationship is not interested in working on the issues together.
His line to deflect blame is, "You knew what you were getting into when you met me. I told you everything about me and you couldn't take it!" Well, no...you actually failed to mention your alcoholism, anger issues, secrecy, financial problems, supervised visitation with your children because of past alcohol related issues, etc.
And, to think I bought into the theory in anyway that it was my responsibility to take his behavior, instead a mutually healthy relationship where there is transparency, honesty, and oh yeah...fun!
At the end, what brought me to counseling was this feeling of anxiety that I just couldn't shake. I would try to do deep breathing, relaxation, ignoring the problems, assuming my small child's behavior was the problem, but the pit in my stomach just wouldn't go away.
Well, I no longer carry around that anxiety and any issues I had with my child's behavior have miraculously disappeared at the same time my ex disappeared. My son has had some of the most insightful wisdom since learning that this man will no longer be in our lives. "Well, if you act like a jerk, you're just gonna be treated like a jerk! This is his consequence." He still asks about him from time to time, but the peace in our home and the drastic change in his general personality tells me this is best for us.
It's still hard and just when I think I'm totally over it, I'll feel inexplicably sad, but it's comforting to know I'm getting stronger.
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