Blossom717

I need help with the situation with my mom.

I've lived in my house for a WEEK yesterday. I keep catching myself worrying if my mom is going to be pissed at my decisions for my own house. DD and I brought home a kitten last night, when I told mom this morning she was pissed . She didn't say that she was, even when I asked her what was wrong (she was being short with me). But she did call back about 10 minutes later to tell me that she was indeed upset with my decision and all the reasons why I shouldn't have gotten the kitten (it'll mess up the floors, etc.)

She also said that she always helps me, but I never help her in return. Heres the thing with that, as a good co-dependant she goes out of her way. While I appreciate it, its almost too much. I feel like I can't even pick out my own pictures for my house. But when I tell her I don't need her help with something she gets her feelings hurt. I would help her with anything, but she never asks for help, I don't know how I'm supposed to know when she needs it. I know I still have some stuff over at her house (some clothes, random things), and she's using that as well. I'm going over there tomorrow to get them. She told me that I never come see her when I move out (again, a week.).

I feel like an awful daughter. I want to do things on my own, and I need her emotional support. Yes, Sometimes I need help and advice. But I really need to be trusted to live my own life. I'm having enough doubts myself about being capable, and the constant doubting from my mom doesn't help.

SparkleKitty

Honey, her feelings are her responsibility, not yours. Practice this:

"Mom, I love you, but if you need my help, you have to ask for it. I can't read your mind. Likewise, if I need your help, I will ask for it as well."

These are just normal, good healthy boundaries between people. It's going to be hard as heck for awhile, but you have to find that inner strength I know is in you to maintain this.

Latte

You're going to be ok, as you grow in sobriety, you will learn appropriate boundaries. I wasn't taught them as a child so learning them now is very important. It's empowering.

FireSprite

Blossom, there's nothing wrong with putting down some boundaries with your mom. From your posts it's obvious she's a full-on Codie & the stronger you get, the more you're going to notice these differences. In some ways, she'll be a bigger challenge to your recovery than an addict could be.

I ran into similar problems with my own mom.... she used to go far out of her way & then be furious if that person didn't acknowledge & appreciate the help they never requested. Total Martyr. Everyone that had a differing opinion was simply "wrong". I learned this behavior from her & for years just ran around "doing" for others in tons of ways that went beyond empathy or compassion...... it was costly not just financially but in the volume of hours I wasted on others that I should have been spent focusing on myself. If I had, my own self-care wouldn't have fallen so far down on my priorities.

Setting boundaries with your mom now is good for BOTH of you & Little Blossom too. It will be tough, really tough sometimes. My mom used Guilt like a sharp knife & sometimes after a phone call or visit I would be so emotionally worn out from holding my boundaries & being vigilant of her behavior that I would just sit & weep. I didn't think she'd EVER understand but I knew I couldn't be "managed" by her for the rest of MY life either. Her reaction was up to her & it turned really nasty for a while, culminating in a big family meeting/fight.

The wonderful surprise was that it led my mom to her own recovery so we're in a MUCH better place now. She actually comes to ME for recovery advice & tools now sometimes. lol.

I'm so happy you are settling into your new house, congrats again!!!

FireSprite

Even if it's an awkward conversation starter, tell her this ^^^. (I cut out the awful daughter part... you aren't)

Straight, simple words just like you used here & like SK used in her example above.

How did you respond? Recovery has helped me stop mincing words. "Mom, what kind of statement IS that?? It has only been ONE week, so is that fair? Do YOU think that's a reasonable thing to say?"

Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? It's up to you to not let all of those comments pass & let her know that you don't find that emotional manipulation acceptable.

*I'd* actually go so far as to say "I think you're being passive-aggressive & trying to manipulate me with guilt, which I don't appreciate." Now, when someone hands me uncomfortable feelings, I give them right back.... here, this is yours, I don't want it.....

Blossom717

my response wasn't the best. I still react with her. With EXABF I know better than to react to his things, but with mom I guess we really know how to push each other's buttons.

I feel like if I don't take her unsolicited advice at all times then I won't hear the end of it, and that she will get her feelings hurt. I went out of town Saturday to meet half way to see a guy I've been seeing since it was little blossoms weekend with her dad (met new guy while out one night, and of course he'd actually live 6 hours away lol), and she did nothing but try to instill fear into my mind. "your car has high miles" (my car had never, ever broken down on me...knock on wood), "you are going to get in a car accident, who will take care of Little Blossom then?" (I know that's a possibility, but that's a possibility a mile from home.). I don't understand. I worry about her too because her mom has schizophrenia and some of the things mom says are overly dramatic. Then of course I worry about it with myself.

I don't always make the best decisions, no one does. Its like I've been raised to think I will die if I make any wrong decision though.

Florence

Yep, and then how she handles that communication is her business, not yours.

Whether or not you own a kitten, date, or take a car trip is none of your mom's business, even if she helps you. You're a grown up, she's a grown up, and you're not responsible for her feelings or anxiety. Period.

I was once tied up in my mom's feelings like this, and was very VERY truncated in my yound adulthood because I couldn't move without her permission. When I stopped asking permission and JADE-ing myself with her, she got really mad, and still is. That's her business. I know she's not a safe person if I want validation or support, so while we can have lunch together or do friendly-type stuff, I do not give her access to my feelings, wants, and wishes anymore.