So much pain and anger
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: oklahoma city
Posts: 6
So much pain and anger
Hi, Im new to all of this and I have never looked into seeking out others who have gone though living with a person with an addiction. Im the oldest of 9 children. My father passed away when I was 10 and my mother worked alot. So it was up to me to care for the kids, babysitting, feedings and the cleaning. I enjoyed being in charge as a kid. LOL I was a bossy little thing. But we made a very hard time in our life work.
Soon after my father's death my mother remarried but soon figured out that she was miserable and started to drink. I was around 14 by this time. Still taking care of my siblings as best i could, life at home was not ideal. moving from place to place, utilities being shut off, standing in soup lines for a hot meal on most days, and the drinking, fighting, hitting (mostly my mother getting so out of control drunk she would lash out.) Strangely my step father who was an ass in his own right never put his hands on her or verbally abused her. He did now ever verbally abuse us.
They finally divorced after DHS stepped in and took my mother's children when I was 18. She found a way to blame me for that too. I moved out and had very little contact with her but shortly after that I became pregnant and wanted to share this joy and experience with my mother.So as a soon to be mother and newly single I was scared and alone so i went back to live with my mother.
Her drinking had not changed but her anger and lashing out had abated for a time. I as a mother now started to stand up for myself and my siblings, who had come home by this time. I moved out of my mother's home when i was 23 feeling guilty for living my younger siblings in such a mess. But i could not protect them any more plus keep my child from growing up as i did in such a negatively charged home.
Slowly and without her I found a way to get my life together. it was hard and lonely without my brothers and sisters so i would let my mother back into my life and kick her out just as soon as she crossed over the line. at one point I had even gone two or three years without talking to her, but after the death of my brother and and two weeks later the oklahoma tornadoes took my home in 2013.
we reconnected and everything has been good till just a few weeks ago. She has been on a rampage. Out of the blue she called me and we talked and I thought that we would have a nice chat like we have been doing for the past few months but all she wanted to do was blame me for turning her children against her and point a finger at all of my shortcomings. bla bla bla! lol it was endless and pointless to the point i had to end the conv. I know that i can never changer her. in a way i thank her. her lack of parenting has showed me how not to be as a mother and a person.but i find that i'm having a very hard time dealing with all of the hurt and pain at my own mother's hands. I know what i need to do because I have done it before, but how do you deal with pain so acute that it feels as if it is poisoning you from the inside out. I dont want to be that bitter ugly person my mother is. I guess I just needed to vent. =)
Soon after my father's death my mother remarried but soon figured out that she was miserable and started to drink. I was around 14 by this time. Still taking care of my siblings as best i could, life at home was not ideal. moving from place to place, utilities being shut off, standing in soup lines for a hot meal on most days, and the drinking, fighting, hitting (mostly my mother getting so out of control drunk she would lash out.) Strangely my step father who was an ass in his own right never put his hands on her or verbally abused her. He did now ever verbally abuse us.
They finally divorced after DHS stepped in and took my mother's children when I was 18. She found a way to blame me for that too. I moved out and had very little contact with her but shortly after that I became pregnant and wanted to share this joy and experience with my mother.So as a soon to be mother and newly single I was scared and alone so i went back to live with my mother.
Her drinking had not changed but her anger and lashing out had abated for a time. I as a mother now started to stand up for myself and my siblings, who had come home by this time. I moved out of my mother's home when i was 23 feeling guilty for living my younger siblings in such a mess. But i could not protect them any more plus keep my child from growing up as i did in such a negatively charged home.
Slowly and without her I found a way to get my life together. it was hard and lonely without my brothers and sisters so i would let my mother back into my life and kick her out just as soon as she crossed over the line. at one point I had even gone two or three years without talking to her, but after the death of my brother and and two weeks later the oklahoma tornadoes took my home in 2013.
we reconnected and everything has been good till just a few weeks ago. She has been on a rampage. Out of the blue she called me and we talked and I thought that we would have a nice chat like we have been doing for the past few months but all she wanted to do was blame me for turning her children against her and point a finger at all of my shortcomings. bla bla bla! lol it was endless and pointless to the point i had to end the conv. I know that i can never changer her. in a way i thank her. her lack of parenting has showed me how not to be as a mother and a person.but i find that i'm having a very hard time dealing with all of the hurt and pain at my own mother's hands. I know what i need to do because I have done it before, but how do you deal with pain so acute that it feels as if it is poisoning you from the inside out. I dont want to be that bitter ugly person my mother is. I guess I just needed to vent. =)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Catfire, welcome to SR. Everyone here "gets it", and a lot of experience, strength and hope is shared. I hope you find the support you're looking for.
I hope you can take some time to read around the various areas of the forum. In addition to us here in Family and Friends, you also might like to check in here at the Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Don't miss the stickied posts at the top of the page; there is a lot of concentrated wisdom in them.
Have you looked into Alanon for some face-to-face support for yourself? You've been thru a lot, and you have every right to surround yourself with healing help.
Again, glad you found us here at SR, and I wish you strength and clarity as you begin your recovery.
I hope you can take some time to read around the various areas of the forum. In addition to us here in Family and Friends, you also might like to check in here at the Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Don't miss the stickied posts at the top of the page; there is a lot of concentrated wisdom in them.
Have you looked into Alanon for some face-to-face support for yourself? You've been thru a lot, and you have every right to surround yourself with healing help.
Again, glad you found us here at SR, and I wish you strength and clarity as you begin your recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: oklahoma city
Posts: 6
Thank you so much Honeypig for all of the helpful info. and no I have not found outside face to face help yet. I just started looking for some today so the links are a great help. Agian thank you. =)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
welcome Catfire. dealing with an alcoholic parent is exhausting and damaging. i totally get that. the pain runs deep and feels ancient.
i'm glad you found us here at SR and i'm glad you are exploring other avenues of support. FOO (family of origin) stuff ain't for wussies!
i'm glad you found us here at SR and i'm glad you are exploring other avenues of support. FOO (family of origin) stuff ain't for wussies!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome Catfire! I love your handle here. It makes me think of scorched flesh. That's what your mom does to you periodically. She scorches you with her vitriol. I'm so sorry that your relationship with your mom is not a steady resource and support for you.
I do not have a very close relationship with my mom. I have noticed I have a small retinue of older female friends who have 'mothered' me. My sponsor has been a very powerful figure in my life too. It is OK to find motherly love and guidance in alternate relationships.
I do not have a very close relationship with my mom. I have noticed I have a small retinue of older female friends who have 'mothered' me. My sponsor has been a very powerful figure in my life too. It is OK to find motherly love and guidance in alternate relationships.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: oklahoma city
Posts: 6
Ty so much to everyone, its nice to be validated =) and Codejob, yes I feel burned and scorched by her each and every time we interact with one another. its a painful experience most time but one must keep moving forward.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
catfire, what a disrupted painful upbringing. It's to your credit that you've come so far and with self-esteem and values intact (even if it doesn't feel like it). I'm sorry your mother lashes out like she does when you could use some love and affection. Try to think of her as a damaged child-like individual, to be pitied. Do you have any older female relations who you trust? It can be therapeutic to see that not all older women are like your mother.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Holyoke, MA
Posts: 156
Hi catfire!! Keep your head up! It sounds like you have a wonderful attitude for everything you've been through since you were 10. You're very strong and stronger than you know! I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just keep doing what's best for you and your child! xxxx
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