When is it OK to stop contact?

Old 06-16-2015, 10:29 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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When is it OK to stop contact?

I am at my wit's end dealing with my mother's alcoholism. I have already tried restricting the time my 3 yr old daughter spends with her to those times early in the day when I know she is sober.

My brothers and I have tried an intervention.

I have done everything I can to make her understand there are consequences to her behavior...except "no contact". And as much as it pains me, I don't know what else to do but tell her I love her but I can't deal with her addiction any longer. No, she doesn't get abusive but reclusive when she drinks, she changes personality, and does her best to hide it from her family and minimize it's impact. She goes to AA, she gets her pin, and then she comes home and continues to drink and doesn't frankly seem to appreciate how devastating lapses are to her progress.

I feel like I am being a drama queen for even suggesting pulling away but I just don't know how else to cope.

When is it OKAY for me to pull away...permanently? And what is the best way to communicate this to her?
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Old 06-17-2015, 02:24 AM
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You do it when it is right for you. There is also a forum here for adult children. You may want to post there as well. I went no contact with my mother last year. It was during a big fight. But, I said I was done with her. That I had nothing emotionally left for her and for my mental health it was best for me to no longer have her in my life. It was hard at first but one of the best gifts I ever gave myself.
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Old 06-17-2015, 11:31 AM
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Happy's exactly right.... this is a personal decision that you need to make for you & your family's best interests. It's OK whenever you say it's OK. It feels dramatic because it IS, but that doesn't make it over-the-top or wrong.

I, for one, have zero problems putting my kid's mental health & welfare before that of an active addict, no matter how minimally she is impacted by their behaviors. And I also have no problem saying it precisely like that - DD comes first, you are an adult who has the ability to make better decisions.

It seems from your join date/original post way back then, that you have been dealing with this for a very long time & I'm sure you're seeing a progression with the disease. ((((hugs))))
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Old 06-17-2015, 12:58 PM
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I have already tried restricting the time my 3 yr old daughter spends with her to those times early in the day when I know she is sober.
When you say - tried - did this attempt fail?

I think thinking in terms of – permanent - might be your emotions speaking.

Have you thought at all about attending al-anon for yourself?

Have you given any thought to only allowing your mother to visit your daughter in your home instead of at hers? Your house your rules, her house her rules.

You can set boundaries that are not attempts to control her drinking but rather rewards for healthy behavior.
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