Fiancé can't stop
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Fiancé can't stop
This is my first post I don't even know how to start it. A year ago I found out I was pregnant I thought that was a sign for my boyfriend and I to grow up and start a family and focus on our careers. I obviously stopped drinking and it seemed after we found out the news of expecting, my boyfriend drank even more. I was so sick from morning sickness everyday for the first 4 months and he would just not come home for hours and hours because he was out getting drunk. He told me he was going to stop and only have drinks here and there and I didn't want to be the pregnant girlfriend that didn't let there boyfriend drink but I was scared I was so protective over my growing body. He kept on convincing me he wasn't an alcoholic but he couldn't go a night without having some kind of drink in his hand. He would yell at me at the time and tell me how I try and control his life and how he can't do anything anymore when I just wanted him to see it was ruining us and we were expecting a baby! I wanted to leave him so many times but I kept convincing myself he would change that he would become a great father to my child and that our baby deserved the chance to have her dad in her life. Christmas time he promised me he would never get drunk ever again he said he knew his limit. March our baby was born and a week later he proposed, I said yes thinking it was the right thing to do. He was drinking every night still and I was trying to stay positive and we go home to visit our families and we got into a silly fight and he asked for my ring back. I knew he was drunk then and I had our baby in my hand and he kept trying to grab my hand to get the ring off and finally I gave it to him because I was scared. He left the house and never heard from him until the morning when he calls me crying to tell me he's lost our engagement ring. He stopped drinking that night and became sober completely and now 2 months later he gets so drunk and calls me to tell me that he messed up that he got so drunk (I am visiting family again and he's back home working) there's so much more inbetween stuff in this but this is it in a nutshell. I don't know what to do anymore😭
Last edited by Penny3; 06-09-2015 at 05:40 AM. Reason: One thing to add
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Location: South Jersey
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Hi, and welcome. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, and with a new baby!
Whatever you do, do NOT marry this man--not until he has at LEAST a year of solid sobriety. Forget about the ring. It's just jewelry. You and your baby are the important considerations. If he keeps this up (which he will--until he really embraces recovery), he will not be able to support a child, he is likely to lose his job, he is likely to continue to be abusive (trying to grab your hand to take the ring--especially while holding the baby--is abuse, plain and simple).
Please find an Al-Anon meeting and start attending those. As long as you have a child with this man you will be dealing with him in some fashion, but you don't want to further complicate an already complicated situation by marrying him.
Whatever you do, do NOT marry this man--not until he has at LEAST a year of solid sobriety. Forget about the ring. It's just jewelry. You and your baby are the important considerations. If he keeps this up (which he will--until he really embraces recovery), he will not be able to support a child, he is likely to lose his job, he is likely to continue to be abusive (trying to grab your hand to take the ring--especially while holding the baby--is abuse, plain and simple).
Please find an Al-Anon meeting and start attending those. As long as you have a child with this man you will be dealing with him in some fashion, but you don't want to further complicate an already complicated situation by marrying him.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 21
Hi Penny,
I am so sorry you are going through this, especially with a new baby - I remember how tough those first few months can be, even in the best of circumstances! Hugs.
Until your fiance gets some real help and decides to get sober, he will try to manipulate you and the situation so that he can have his cake (or drink) and eat it (or drink it), too! The addiction is in control, not him. I am sure there is a good person under there somewhere, but it sounds like he is very lost right now and needs to focus on getting sober before he can be a good partner, father, or anything else.
Please remember that you deserve a healthy and present partner, and your child deserves a healthy and stable father.
I know this is so painful and confusing. The best thing you can do for yourself and your baby is to put up some boundaries, like what LexieCat said above about needing a year of sobriety. Boundaries will keep you healthy and sane, and could even help him get sober (I don't like saying that bc it's important to also remember that only he will be able to get himself sober...not you)
And of course, Al-Anon. You will find support and strength there.
Lots of hugs to you and your baby.
I am so sorry you are going through this, especially with a new baby - I remember how tough those first few months can be, even in the best of circumstances! Hugs.
Until your fiance gets some real help and decides to get sober, he will try to manipulate you and the situation so that he can have his cake (or drink) and eat it (or drink it), too! The addiction is in control, not him. I am sure there is a good person under there somewhere, but it sounds like he is very lost right now and needs to focus on getting sober before he can be a good partner, father, or anything else.
Please remember that you deserve a healthy and present partner, and your child deserves a healthy and stable father.
I know this is so painful and confusing. The best thing you can do for yourself and your baby is to put up some boundaries, like what LexieCat said above about needing a year of sobriety. Boundaries will keep you healthy and sane, and could even help him get sober (I don't like saying that bc it's important to also remember that only he will be able to get himself sober...not you)
And of course, Al-Anon. You will find support and strength there.
Lots of hugs to you and your baby.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 4
I love him so very much when he is sober. It makes me feel trapped though, he stops drinking then I fall back in love with him and then he'll start drinking again and become a monster and it's just a vicious cycle. I know it's just a ring but it's 10000$ that could of gone to our vehicle payments or to our daughters RSP or just life bills!! I don't think I can go thorough another relapse with him it's destroying me mentally but I know somehow hell suck me back in.
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Hi Penny,
Congratulations on your new little baby!
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It was years since I was pregnant, or with a small child, but I can still vividly remember how crazy tired I was, and how deeply hurt I was that the baby and I weren't enough to keep my then husband (now X) from drinking.
I've heard the first few months after a baby is born referred to as "the fourth trimester". Your body is still dealing with the effects of pregnancy. If it's any consolation to you, that means that you should start feeling a bit better soon.
Regarding your boyfriend. Yes, seek out an Alanon meeting. This push/pull that you feel regarding him is a very common, yet very unhealthy, feeling that many of us in relationships with addicts feel. There's help for that. It starts by you educating yourself about the disease of alcoholism and codependency. You need to work on your own program of recovery. Surrounding yourself with people that understand is the single best thing you can do for yourself and the baby. Another good start is reading the "stickies" at the top of the forum page.
I want to add one thing to Lexie's suggestion of requiring "a year of sobriety" before getting married. That doesn't mean on his first day of sobriety you should set a date one year in the future. It means don't even think about marriage until he can show, for at least one year, that he's working a program of recovery. In the meantime live your life, work for, and plan on a future with your baby that quite probably will not include your fiancé.
Him losing that engagement ring may have been a blessing.
Again, congratulations on your new baby. Please try to enjoy this time with him/her, and know that we're here to support you
Congratulations on your new little baby!
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It was years since I was pregnant, or with a small child, but I can still vividly remember how crazy tired I was, and how deeply hurt I was that the baby and I weren't enough to keep my then husband (now X) from drinking.
I've heard the first few months after a baby is born referred to as "the fourth trimester". Your body is still dealing with the effects of pregnancy. If it's any consolation to you, that means that you should start feeling a bit better soon.
Regarding your boyfriend. Yes, seek out an Alanon meeting. This push/pull that you feel regarding him is a very common, yet very unhealthy, feeling that many of us in relationships with addicts feel. There's help for that. It starts by you educating yourself about the disease of alcoholism and codependency. You need to work on your own program of recovery. Surrounding yourself with people that understand is the single best thing you can do for yourself and the baby. Another good start is reading the "stickies" at the top of the forum page.
I want to add one thing to Lexie's suggestion of requiring "a year of sobriety" before getting married. That doesn't mean on his first day of sobriety you should set a date one year in the future. It means don't even think about marriage until he can show, for at least one year, that he's working a program of recovery. In the meantime live your life, work for, and plan on a future with your baby that quite probably will not include your fiancé.
Him losing that engagement ring may have been a blessing.
Again, congratulations on your new baby. Please try to enjoy this time with him/her, and know that we're here to support you
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 21
I just want to echo what SeriousKarma said about educating yourself about the disease of alcoholism and co-dependency. If you can get your hands on the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, please do. It was a major, major, major eye-opener for me and many others!
You and your child need to feel safe and loved. And you deserve it. Hugs.
You and your child need to feel safe and loved. And you deserve it. Hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi hon...welcome!
You have a lot of good advice already. Just know that this situation does not get better and can only get worse so long as he doesn't stop drinking and get the help he needs. He has to do it, you can not do it for him, and he has to do it for himself.
Think about the kind of life you want for you and your child. My children have grown up with an alcoholic and its awful. The damage that has been done can't be taken back. I wish I had known what I do now for the sake of my sons.
Read up all you can on alcoholism -- the alcoholic, the family, and the roles family members play living with an addict. Yes, you and your child play a role and the more your child grows the bigger the childs role becomes. Its the nature of the beast of addiction. It is a very ugly thing to experience.
I'm so very sorry for what is happening to you and your family. The good news is that you have the power to change whatever you need to change and the beginning of that change is educating yourself on the topic.
I'll be praying for you and the baby!
You have a lot of good advice already. Just know that this situation does not get better and can only get worse so long as he doesn't stop drinking and get the help he needs. He has to do it, you can not do it for him, and he has to do it for himself.
Think about the kind of life you want for you and your child. My children have grown up with an alcoholic and its awful. The damage that has been done can't be taken back. I wish I had known what I do now for the sake of my sons.
Read up all you can on alcoholism -- the alcoholic, the family, and the roles family members play living with an addict. Yes, you and your child play a role and the more your child grows the bigger the childs role becomes. Its the nature of the beast of addiction. It is a very ugly thing to experience.
I'm so very sorry for what is happening to you and your family. The good news is that you have the power to change whatever you need to change and the beginning of that change is educating yourself on the topic.
I'll be praying for you and the baby!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 4
Thank you everyone for the advice I truly appreciate it. He now keeps saying he doesn't even want to live anymore and I don't know if he's saying this for attention or for me to forgive him. He doesn't want to go to AA meetings because he's embarrassed.
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Originally Posted by Penny3 
Thank you everyone for the advice I truly appreciate it. He now keeps saying he doesn't even want to live anymore and I don't know if he's saying this for attention or for me to forgive him. He doesn't want to go to AA meetings because he's embarrassed.
In all seriousness if he threatens to harm himself then you should call 911 and let them handle it.
As for the two of you - welcome to life with him. This will not stop. You thought it would stop when your baby came. It hasn't. It'll be a very hard life for both you and your daughter. I hope you will reflect on his actions and think about whether or not you can live like this.......because it can, and it will get worse.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
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He cant attend AA because he's embarrassed = He's not ready, he's not serious yet.
That's ok. It's his journey. You have your own journey, too. What path will you take sweetie. Don't try to force his journey; he will figure it out one day with or without you.
It will all be ok even tho. at this moment it doesn't seem like it could ever be. It will be. Who can you count on to circle the wagons of support around yourself and that sweet little baby of yours? Call them!! Get to Alanon!
Big big hugs
That's ok. It's his journey. You have your own journey, too. What path will you take sweetie. Don't try to force his journey; he will figure it out one day with or without you.
It will all be ok even tho. at this moment it doesn't seem like it could ever be. It will be. Who can you count on to circle the wagons of support around yourself and that sweet little baby of yours? Call them!! Get to Alanon!
Big big hugs
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Oxford, England
Posts: 38
He doesn't want to go to AA because he's not yet ready to face up to all the challenges that are ahead of him. It's a scary thing to change and none of us can change another person, we can only change who we are. What's happened is like a wake up call for you, to turn all your energy towards your life and that of your baby. Forget the man for the time being. Only when he has mastered the art of being a sober alcoholic, can he be of value to you and your child ................and that may take a long time. I know this sounds harsh but it's called 'tough love'. You'll make it through. Many will support you and are already doing so on this forum. Good luck with everything.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Penny, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's not easy.
I remember when I was pregnant with my eldest, 23 years ago, and asking my XAH to come home. It was about 4 in the morning and he was partying with our neighbors. I was as pregnant as can be and could not stay up and party all night. I felt he should be home with me.
I am sorry to say, for 22 years I tolerated his drunken, alcoholic behavior. (besides being together for 34 years) Listen to what the people on this forum are saying. Alcoholics are alcoholics. They don't have any control over there drinking. They hurt us and then we forgive, it is a viscous cycle. Please take care of you and baby Penny. You will never be able to count and rely on him. Hugs my friend as it is not easy to love an addict!!
I remember when I was pregnant with my eldest, 23 years ago, and asking my XAH to come home. It was about 4 in the morning and he was partying with our neighbors. I was as pregnant as can be and could not stay up and party all night. I felt he should be home with me.
I am sorry to say, for 22 years I tolerated his drunken, alcoholic behavior. (besides being together for 34 years) Listen to what the people on this forum are saying. Alcoholics are alcoholics. They don't have any control over there drinking. They hurt us and then we forgive, it is a viscous cycle. Please take care of you and baby Penny. You will never be able to count and rely on him. Hugs my friend as it is not easy to love an addict!!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Sorry for what you are going through.
I can relate. My daughter is 13 months now but when I was pregnant I too thought my husband would transform.
It didn't happen of course, it just got worse.
I asked him to leave a few months ago. Even then, he spiralled further. Lost his job, and made no attempt to even see his child amongst other things.
Just recently he went to rehab and is now out and as far as I know he has been sober on the outside for a week. I don't have a lot of faith in him in terms of sobriety to be honest. Well, I've just learnt that even what I feel are 'rock bottoms' for him haven't been and maybe he will just be an active alcoholic forever. People have the right to make bad decisions and there is no guarantee they will ever make good ones.
I know there is a good person in there somewhere, as I am sure is the same with your partner. But the reality is right in front of me and the way I see it, that's all that matters. Not the potential of him that he may or may not ever fulfil.
It is also about the kind of life you and your child will lead if you stay with him. Even if he gets sober for a long period of time there is always the possibility for relapse which is hard to live with.
It is so hard having a new baby, having this to deal with must be hugely stressful for you. I hope you have good family support.
Please feel free to PM me of you ever need a another new mum (with an alcoholic spouse) to talk to x
I can relate. My daughter is 13 months now but when I was pregnant I too thought my husband would transform.
It didn't happen of course, it just got worse.
I asked him to leave a few months ago. Even then, he spiralled further. Lost his job, and made no attempt to even see his child amongst other things.
Just recently he went to rehab and is now out and as far as I know he has been sober on the outside for a week. I don't have a lot of faith in him in terms of sobriety to be honest. Well, I've just learnt that even what I feel are 'rock bottoms' for him haven't been and maybe he will just be an active alcoholic forever. People have the right to make bad decisions and there is no guarantee they will ever make good ones.
I know there is a good person in there somewhere, as I am sure is the same with your partner. But the reality is right in front of me and the way I see it, that's all that matters. Not the potential of him that he may or may not ever fulfil.
It is also about the kind of life you and your child will lead if you stay with him. Even if he gets sober for a long period of time there is always the possibility for relapse which is hard to live with.
It is so hard having a new baby, having this to deal with must be hugely stressful for you. I hope you have good family support.
Please feel free to PM me of you ever need a another new mum (with an alcoholic spouse) to talk to x
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