Bern

My older sister (three yrs older than I am) has been an alcoholic and compulsive gambler for many years now. She has been in and out of rehab, sober houses, etc etc. You all know the usual stories.

In the past, I have felt truly sorry for my parents. They have had to deal with the majority of all her messes. I am a mom myself and I can only imagine the pain they feel seeing their daughter live in complete chaos and pose significant danger to herself and others.

However, lately my sympathy is waning. I am in a lot of pain because they have essentially pushed me away completely and are so lost in their little triangle they have with my sister. They lie to me about her and cover for her. They take zero interest in my life yet know everytime my sister takes a shower. My relationship is basically non-existent with them at this point and it's very painful because I have always tried to be a good person, I have a nice life, job, family etc. And they take no interest and barely know me.

There's more to it, of course. My dad has battled addiction in the past and has some narcissitic personality features. My mom is a complete doormat, forgive me for being so blunt. I have read a lot about family dynamics and of course we fit the bill of addicted/codependent family to a tee, right down to my role as the "good child."

It's very hard to ignore and fight the ball of resentment that seems to be permanently lodged in my chest about my parents. Everytime I think about them, I want to cry or scream and shake them and tell them to wake up. I know addiction is a family disease and I have taken steps like going to therapy and Al-Anon; they have not. There is still some kind of level of denial there, as well as their egotistical belief that they can save my sister. Like many other parents of addicts, they are addicted to her drama.

I'd love to hear from any other siblings who have struggled with similar feelings.

firebolt

I'm so sorry. Good for you for breaking out of the cycle and getting some help for yourself. Family isn't always blood. I hope you have a good support system outside of them. I don't have any experience with that family dynamic, but good friends are my life raft. Best to you.

CodeJob

Hi Bern,

You are not alone in dealing with the lack of parental attention. I think we make headway pulling out the thorn of not enough attention from our parents, then a life event happens and we realize we didn't get the whole thorn as it is once again protruding and aching.

I've also had to learn to speak up for myself a bit. I've called out inappropriate behavior in my family where before I would have just kept quiet. I don't play, "Let's sweep this under the rug." Staying out of drama and not reacting immediately from the lonely little girl in my head has been very wise approaches for me. I also have a few key peeps who I can rant and vent about my family over a long dinner with lots of snark.

You are enough. Peace!

Bern

Thank you so much for your words, CodeJob. You are SO right about the thorn. I have realized that certain events trigger so many unresolved emotions for me. I can sweep them under the rug when things are "calm," but they always, always, always re-surface.

I have a good friend whose family is as equally screwed up as mine , and she is hilarious. We always have a good laugh when we swap stories (especially around the holidays) and it is SO cathartic. Thanks for mentioning that, I may give her a call later!

I am working with a new therapist who is amazing and helping me deal with the "lonely little girl in my head" as you so wisely put it.

Thanks again for your words, they were very helpful and it's so nice to feel heard and understood.

Bern

Thank you, firebolt! You are right, family isn't always blood. That's a hard thing to accept, but I am working on it. Thanks again for your words, hugs.