New to forum- Wife in Rehab
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I second the advice to consult an attorney. If the kids stay with you, she would be obligated to provide child support (and even if she isn't working, the court will impute to her what she's capable of earning). So if the kids stay with you, it might be, essentially, a wash. A lawyer can tell you what is likely to happen--knowledge is power.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Odecker22: Thanks so much for coming back and giving us an update. So many folks come here with problems/issues, stay for just a few days or weeks and disappear forever. The few like you that return after a long absence help everyone by giving us a more long term perspective on the struggle people have with addiction. I wish you the most positive outcome possible whatever that is and even if you disappear again please come back at some point in the future and give us another update. Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Dear Odecker;
I'm so very sorry that you've found yourself in this situation...and also glad you found your way here. There is much support and wisdom in the loving experienced people in this forum.
You've identified many important things: that this disease is hers forever. There isn't a "cure" for it. That she could be untrustworthy for a long, long time (if not indefinitely). Here is what I know: When I went through this with an alcoholic I have ONLY ONE recourse: to take care of myself. (thankfully we did not have minor children). For you....taking care of yourself and the needs and boundaries of your children is all you really can do.
Al Anon saved my life. It was a long process for me to unwind the hurt, the sense of betrayal, the deep damage that was done trying to navigate with an addict. I came to realize I absolutely could never count on him changing...but only me. To understand where I let my boundaries get fuzzy...where I rationalized, and made excuses for, and helped him hide from himself. When I dug into that pit of my own thinking and the healing that needed to take place there...I realized that was all the work I could do. Focusing on my own recovery is what helped me to gradually, let go, forgive him, and get crystal clear on the terms on which I would live my life. In my case....it didn't include living with an addict and the unpredictability of that. You will find your own way, as you focus on your own recovery, to clarity. Don't stop working!
There is life after addiction. When your kids are old enough...take them to Alateen and work together. What direction and decisions you need to make will be more and more clear as you get better.
Big hug of support to you
I'm so very sorry that you've found yourself in this situation...and also glad you found your way here. There is much support and wisdom in the loving experienced people in this forum.
You've identified many important things: that this disease is hers forever. There isn't a "cure" for it. That she could be untrustworthy for a long, long time (if not indefinitely). Here is what I know: When I went through this with an alcoholic I have ONLY ONE recourse: to take care of myself. (thankfully we did not have minor children). For you....taking care of yourself and the needs and boundaries of your children is all you really can do.
Al Anon saved my life. It was a long process for me to unwind the hurt, the sense of betrayal, the deep damage that was done trying to navigate with an addict. I came to realize I absolutely could never count on him changing...but only me. To understand where I let my boundaries get fuzzy...where I rationalized, and made excuses for, and helped him hide from himself. When I dug into that pit of my own thinking and the healing that needed to take place there...I realized that was all the work I could do. Focusing on my own recovery is what helped me to gradually, let go, forgive him, and get crystal clear on the terms on which I would live my life. In my case....it didn't include living with an addict and the unpredictability of that. You will find your own way, as you focus on your own recovery, to clarity. Don't stop working!
There is life after addiction. When your kids are old enough...take them to Alateen and work together. What direction and decisions you need to make will be more and more clear as you get better.
Big hug of support to you
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