jalacola

My husband of 6 1/2 years recently admitted his drinking problem and checked into a treatment facility for 15 days. Everything was wonderful while he was there. I didn't have the worry and fear of what he was constantly doing, whether or not he was drinking on his way home from work, etc. He came home a week ago with a positive attitude and things have been better than they have been in years. However, I feel that after reading some of the posts, that he is not sober, but a dry drunk. He is resistent, for some reason, to working the steps. Last night, he didn't attend an aa meeting b/c he was "too tired." He had told me earlier that he was supposed to get in touch with his sponsor to try to work some of the steps with him and go over some parts in the Big Book, and he kept making excuses not to call him. I finally, at 9:45 pm, expressed my concern that I feel that if he doesn't do this full force, it will be a short-lived sobriety. I was immediately told that if I don't just shut up about it, it's me that is going to cause him to drink again. I know that I can't do this for him. I know that he is tired. He is going to Intensive Outpatient 3 nights a week, 3 hours each night, for 6 weeks. He said that it is too long and that he is getting burned out. I reminded him that 3 hours is nothing compared to the 7 am-11 pm schedule he had in rehab. What I wanted to say is that he has lived the laid-back, do-whatever-you-want-whenever-you-want lifestyle for 10+ years, and that recovery isn't such an easy road. But if he wants it, he can achieve it. I love him so very much. We have two small children, ages 5 and 3 months and we can have such a wonderful life together. However, I can't do this with him again. I can't have him telling me every time he gets mad at me that I am going to make him drink. That's not fair to me. I would have to live the rest of my life walking on eggshells and I can't do that. I have already done that for too long. I am going to attend an al-anon meeting tomorrow evening. I have to start doing this for myself and for my children. Maybe if he sees that I am trying to understand by going myself, he will be more willing to work the program? I am reaching now.

Alexia

Jala, there's nothing you can do or say right now, it's his problem and his recovery. My AH has quit driking a month ago (we've been separated 4 months). He's a miserable human. He does not go to AA anymore, can "do it himself". He comes over every day to spew his misery at me, saying life will always be miserable for him, he will never have fun anymore, he hates people, bla bla bla. He tries his best to make me miserable, but I wont have it. (you see, I've been making progress during our separation while he kept on drinking).

I dont react, dont give advice, dont join his big pitty party. All I say is that I hope he feels differently some day. I've set boundaries that I will not let him cross, and I'm sticking to them. That makes him even more angry. But you know what? I'm at peace, for once in 16 years.

Just keep on doing what you need to do for you, because that's what matters. I turned my AH over to God months ago because what I was doing did not help. He stopped drinking, that's a start. Whether he drinks and the marriage ends is not up to me. If he chooses to be miserable for the rest of his life is up to him. I know I wont live unhappily anymore. I just enjoy what I can, do what I can, and leave him on the couch to sulk.

Keep your chin up!
Alexia

Maggie-May

Dear Jalacola,

I understand completely. My husband has been attending AA for almost four months but has not found sobriety. At times I have found myself pushing him to attend AA, read the Big Book, do the steps, etc. etc. etc. However, I have to accept that his recovery is his own and I can't control his recovery anymore than I can control his drinking. Although I have done those things because I love him, they may have actually contributed to his slips from sobriety. I have been attending Al-Anon for three months and it is truly an incredible program. I am learning so much and I have a lot of room for improvement. Al-Anon encourages me to keep the focus on myself. I had become obsessed with my husband's drinking and sought to control it. I have come a long way in accepting that I am powerless over alcohol, but I have to guard against wanting to obsess about my husband's recovery in the same way that I obsessed about his drinking. Instead of counting drinks I have to try to not count AA meetings. At one point I found myself trying to manipulate my husband by relating my recovery in Al-Anon and trying to use what I was doing in Al-Anon as a way to motivate him. "Admitting we are powerless over alcohol" - that has been hard for me but I am working on it.

I hope that you get to Al-Anon. I am sure many of the answers that you seek will be found there. I would recommend the book "How Al-Anon works for the friends and families of alcoholics".

You are in my prayers!

Maggie

Magichappens

Hi jalacola,
Welcome. Maggie is right. If we keep waiting for everything to be ok before we can be ok, we will never be ok. Whether or not he drinks, you can find some peace and healing. Al-Anon offers us a new perspective and choices that we never knew we had. We stop being victims of everyone else's choices and become responsible for our own happiness.

It is not easy to let go of another person and let them be responsible for their life. We are experts at knowing how to take care of everyone but ourself. That's the problem. We have to start looking inward and care for ourself. We learn to build our own self worth and self esteem. We learn to reach out to people who understand and care. We learn how to love without strings attached. We learn to love without losing ourself.

It takes time, and again, it is not easy. But it has been the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I am grateful everyday for that decision to go to that first meeting. Hugs, Magic