searching peace

I know this is not mine to wonder about and if I was healthier in my thinking, I wouldn't give it a thought. But, I have only seen my stbxah drink maybe a couple beers and a glass of wine with dinner. I have never seen him drink any more than that and I haven't seen him drink anything harder than that. But, when he was in inpatient rehab the counselor told me he drinks a lot every day. And my stbxah has confessed that he is an alcoholic. This weekend was his birthday. I went to where he is living now to see him and make sure he is ok. I had talked to him earlier that day and he seemed down and depressed. I felt badly for him not living in our home and being alone on his birthday. Anyway, I kind of looked around when I was there and didn't see anything. No beer, no wine, no alcohol at all! In fact he had bought a case of beer for the guy that lives out there but nothing for himself. I saw him take the beer to this guy and I know the guy asks him to buy him beer occasionally because the guy lost his license or something and can't drive there himself. He didn't drink anything at all. Was perfectly calm and normal and no shakes. He has physical "signs" of an alcoholic such as stomach enlarged and sticking out, he gets winded just walking up three flights of stairs. Where he cannot catch his breath for at least 10 minutes. His skin tone is yellowish. But am I missing something?! Wouldn't he have alcohol around or have to drink at some point of her were truly an alcoholic?????
Have any of you experienced this where the consumption is not in front of you and you never see them drink very much at all?

lillamy

Yes. I didn't know my ex was drinking every night -- he would come to bed with me, and then get up and drink after I fell asleep. If I woke up, he'd just say he had been to the bathroom. He hid his vodka bottles and I never knew -- I thought he smelled funny in the mornings, but that was sort of the extent of it. I had never lived with an alcoholic before so I didn't realize it. Even worse, when people pointed out to me that he was an alcoholic, I got mad at them because I thought they were mean.

Since he's a stbx, I would let it go. Like you said -- focus on you, not on him. (((hugs)))

Liveitwell

Yep. My ex would drink his standard one quart every night but Lord only knows how many more were consumed in secrecy hidden in the garage or while running errands. It's what they do. Textbook.

AnvilheadII

I kept a pint of vodka under the bathroom sink way in back and also would get a six pack of beer for the laundry - I did lots of laundry. one of my old roommates would hide his empties - from himself, because he hated that he couldn't stop drinking.

it could be that he is not drinking but has suffered liver damage that is not healing. not sure its really cool to go to someone else's house and root around looking for evidence........?

Liveitwell

I recall quite a few times when I was pregnant with our last child a few years ago he would run errand with our daughter and increasingly become more drunk throughout the day-didn't understand how. Still don't. Not my problem to figure out-my problem was putting an end to him driving them ever again bc he hides it so well. I'd also like to point out that As that have been abusing for a long time can act totally sober when they are higher than a kite. My ex was like that as well. If he actually acted drunk, watch out, bc I assume his bac would have been at least three times the legal limit. Again, another reason everything was put into place in iur divirce because of our two young girls.

SeriousKarma

My XAH stopped drinking in front of me almost 20 years ago. He kept drinking, just not in front of me. In fact my 18year old daughter has never seen him with a drink in his hand. She's seen him drunk, she's seen him passed out and covered with vomit, she's found countless hidden bottles, but she's never actually seen him drinking.

So, Either my X is an alcoholic, or I am, or the cat, or there's a little elf living with us that has a very cruel sense of humor.

Liveitwell

^^ lol-I think that's sometimes what they want us to think!!

maia1234

Mine use to just keep his open can of beer in the garage. He would hang there smoking dope and drinking, mostly by himself. Recently he mentioned that he missed the garage.... wonder why???

I would find beer cans always around the outside of our house. I never picked them up, just left them for him to pick up the next morning. I have seen my X maybe throwing up twice in the 34 years together. I would go to bed and he would get wasted.

Its all behind me now.

searching peace

Anvil, I didn't "root" around someone else's house. This is our hunting camp and I was looking for something else with him beside me the entire time. Me rooting and me observing are completely different. I try to treat people the way I want to be treated, and I would never want anyone "rooting" through my things.

searching peace

Thanks everyone. As much as I hate this, it does make me feel better to know others have experienced not actually seeing them consume large quantities of alcohol. It is probably one of the reasons his family thinks I am making everything up. They don't witness him drinking. When he first tested positive for alcohol in a job related random drug and alcohol screening, I "knew" there was a mistake because I had been with him the night before this 8:00 AM test! I even called attorneys to do something about this false claim. I was very naive and had never to my knowledge been around an alcoholic. Thank you all again. I am working on myself and me being healthy. But I am also trying learn about the behaviors of my husband and how they all interact with eachother and what has caused our marriage to be in the state it is in. Thank you all again for your input!

Mountainmanbob

When someone says that they are alcoholic
this most always means that they are alcoholic.

Many only admit to this in the later stages of alcoholism,
although when young my friends and I admitted and thought it to be funny.
I'm an alcoholic, ha ha.
Devil had me and I didn't even know it.

MM

searching peace

What do you mean "later stages of alcoholism" ?

Mountainmanbob

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a drunk,
if we are betting our money, we best bet that it is a duck.

MM

LemonGirl

My x would have a "few" glasses of wine with me, and within the two or three hours it took to drink those, I would get a nice toasty buzz.... meanwhile, he'd get completely smashed. Took me a minute to figure out what was going on. I think I "searched" for hidden bottles maybe twice. That was enough to prove to me that my guy was in fact an alcoholic.

hopeful4

My X drinks every day that our kids are not with him. Usually hard stuff he has hidden around. It's actually amazing b/c most people cannot tell bc he normally just nips all day instead of having lots. It actually keeps the shakes and withdraw symptoms away. You don't see it at his home, he hides it. My DD found a whiskey bottle in one of her empty bags in the closet the other day, it surely did not belong to my 9 year old.

I agree with MM, if it looks like a duck, and acts like a duck.....

Tight hugs.

I would say if he told them he drinks every day, that is the truth.

Seedpod

I was at my XABF's house one evening and he was sipping on a glass of wine (which he always claimed to water down "like the French do.") We needed to go to the store for something or other and he said he would drive. I asked him if he was okay to do so and he answered yes. He seemed fine, I didn't think anything of it. On the way there he over corrected on a turn in front of a cop and got a DUI. He blew a .2 something and the cop made a point of telling me "this man drinks A LOT." Pretty eye opening, I had no idea. It was then that I became aware of the drinking before the drinking. Not to mention that he chose to put the woman he purported to love more than life itself at risk rather than admit how much booze he had in his system.

Peace to you Peace as you try to make sense of it all

AnvilheadII

SP- sorry i did not mean to imply that you ransacked his house, but when you said Anyway, I kind of looked around when I was there and didn't see anything i thought perhaps you had gone on a bit of a forensics mission. and you wouldn't be the first!

lighter

Er, I am/was an alcoholic of the spree type for quite a long time. I didn't drink every day. It was possible for me to go weeks or even months without drink. But when I did drink I DRUNK.

Not all alcoholics drink every day, or even every month.

He says he is an alcoholic. He is an alcoholic.

(As I progressed the duration between sprees got shorter but they never joined up altogether in my case )

searching peace

no worries! I just wanted to clarify. It just isn't something I do. When he was in inpatient rehab the counselor told me to go look everywhere and find his "stash". I told him I was not about to do that. It's not place to police whether he drinks or not. All adults are basically going to find a way to do what they want to do regardless of the how or where. I just thought it odd that I didn't see ANY alcohol.

searching peace

I am trying to learn about this disease and wrap my brain around it all. I suppose just as there are no two individuals alike, there are no two alcoholics alike. Although most of the time in this forum I feel like a lot of the post I read have been spying on my life and just writing down what they saw between me and my husband when referring to their own situation. Thank you all for helping me understand and for confirming what I thought but still questioned. After being married to two abusive men, I do not trust "my gut" feelings anymore.