What would you do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Crestview, Fl
Posts: 102
What would you do?
What would you do in this situation? I go to AA and have been sober for 6+ months. My wife still drinks (and hides it from me, although I know when she has been drinking because of her attitude). I am trying to stay for the kids but I don't know how long I can stay in this unhealthy relationship. What would you do?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
I think discussing it with her is a good idea. I can't tell you what to do, but I "forgave" my ex alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, verbally abusive fiancé every time she put me through something. I told her I loved her every time, and I didn't follow through with consequences until it was too much to bear, and her behavior never changed. The only thing I can say is that forgiveness without consequences basically excuses the behavior. It lets them know that "sorry" will always work. Whatever you commit to doing, just make sure you back it up.
Learning to LIve
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
I also stopped drinking (nearly 3 years ago). My hubby continues to drink openly and heavily. I never asked him to stop.
I was ready to end the relationship rather early in my sobriety. I also "stayed for the kids". His drinking was / is only ONE issue in our marriage.
After 2 years of sobriey I talked to him (finally) about some of my resentments (there were a few). Things are a bit better but not great.
I do not attend AA , but I am told from many people on here to wait a year into sobriety before making any big relationship changes ..unless you are in danger.
At 6 months my emotions were like I was riding a rollercoaster .... had I listened to them back then I doubt my hubby and I would still be under the same roof,,, I could easily be in another relationship.
WHat would I do ? Talk to your wife about how you feel .. would marriage counselling help? ... don't rush into a decision you may later regret.... look after yourself.
I was ready to end the relationship rather early in my sobriety. I also "stayed for the kids". His drinking was / is only ONE issue in our marriage.
After 2 years of sobriey I talked to him (finally) about some of my resentments (there were a few). Things are a bit better but not great.
I do not attend AA , but I am told from many people on here to wait a year into sobriety before making any big relationship changes ..unless you are in danger.
At 6 months my emotions were like I was riding a rollercoaster .... had I listened to them back then I doubt my hubby and I would still be under the same roof,,, I could easily be in another relationship.
WHat would I do ? Talk to your wife about how you feel .. would marriage counselling help? ... don't rush into a decision you may later regret.... look after yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Crestview, Fl
Posts: 102
She walked out the last time we had marriage counseling and said she would not return. She has a problem with the therapist. Tonight she wanted sex but I have told before her I only want sex when she is sober and she was obviously drinking tonight, but hiding it. I don't feel like having sex when she is drunk because I should be good enough to have sex with when she is sober. Talking does no good because she does not have a problem.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
Dude, I'm so glad you said that. I sometimes didn't want to have sex with my ex alcoholic fiancé when she was drunk because it wasn't the same person. She usually got mad when I didn't give in or called me gay. It hurt to hear that. I'm so glad someone else had this problem.
I also heard that a lot: I don't have a problem. I'm just like this because I was abused. I just need to learn to control it.
I wrote my story in "I Left the Chaos." I don't know if it will help you, but it sounds like our partners had some similarities.
I also heard that a lot: I don't have a problem. I'm just like this because I was abused. I just need to learn to control it.
I wrote my story in "I Left the Chaos." I don't know if it will help you, but it sounds like our partners had some similarities.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
The A will say anything to hurt you or take the attention off of their addiction. The talk gibberish and tell lies everytime they open their mouths. At least this is my experience with my stbxah. Don't take it personal and maybe do some research about detachment. I think boundaries and detaching may help you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
As I see it you have a couple of problems here. First your wife is hiding alcohol. That is not a good sign. She refuses marriage counseling, also not a good sign. She doesn't think she has a problem......you know what I am going to say.
Your wife has classic signs of alcoholism Her denials and protection of alcohol are code blue classic symptoms - she is going the distance to protect her best friend, and its not you.
Counseling of any sort with an active alcoholic is futile so there is no point in addressing or pushing for that. You are dealing with what brings all of us here to F&F. I recommend that you start attending Al Anon. You need to learn how to set boundaries for yourself - you have already set one - not having sex when she is drinking.
As for her ridiculous accusations I hope you don't get reeled into any kind of argument or discussion with her about her thoughts. This is a common tactic of alcoholics to blame shift and deflect off their own behavior onto yours so there is no discussion about her own. I imagine that any time you have approached her about drinking if you aren't told she "doesn't have a problem" she responds with something you have done that has nothing to do with the subject at hand.
In Al Anon we learn how to detach from the insanity of an alcoholic. This would benefit you greatly so that at a later time you can figure out how YOU want to live your life and if it will include HER. Some people manage to stay with their alcoholics though IMO it is not an easy path. My husband is an RA like you, and he can't stand to be around a drunk.
Take it one day at a time, you will figure it out.
Edited to add - Take a look around the ACOA forum. While I understand that you would like to keep the family together for the sake of the kids - keeping children in a home with an active alcoholic has devastating consequences. It would be worth taking the time to see what they endure as a result of an alcoholic parent.
Your wife has classic signs of alcoholism Her denials and protection of alcohol are code blue classic symptoms - she is going the distance to protect her best friend, and its not you.
Counseling of any sort with an active alcoholic is futile so there is no point in addressing or pushing for that. You are dealing with what brings all of us here to F&F. I recommend that you start attending Al Anon. You need to learn how to set boundaries for yourself - you have already set one - not having sex when she is drinking.
As for her ridiculous accusations I hope you don't get reeled into any kind of argument or discussion with her about her thoughts. This is a common tactic of alcoholics to blame shift and deflect off their own behavior onto yours so there is no discussion about her own. I imagine that any time you have approached her about drinking if you aren't told she "doesn't have a problem" she responds with something you have done that has nothing to do with the subject at hand.
In Al Anon we learn how to detach from the insanity of an alcoholic. This would benefit you greatly so that at a later time you can figure out how YOU want to live your life and if it will include HER. Some people manage to stay with their alcoholics though IMO it is not an easy path. My husband is an RA like you, and he can't stand to be around a drunk.
Take it one day at a time, you will figure it out.
Edited to add - Take a look around the ACOA forum. While I understand that you would like to keep the family together for the sake of the kids - keeping children in a home with an active alcoholic has devastating consequences. It would be worth taking the time to see what they endure as a result of an alcoholic parent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
When I married in '82 I was in my
alcohol addiction even tho I didn't
realize I was. Sex played a role in
capturing my first husband, then
when I entered recovery in '90 and
began to slowly get healthy in mind,
body and soul, sex began to take on
a different meaning to me.
Sex is not dirty or use to a weapon to
capture someone but is to be shared
between 2 with love, care, understanding,
mutual, respect......
The longer I remain sober learning to
live on lifes terms and incorporating
healthy tools and knowledge within
our marriage, it seemed that we were
on 2 different planets speaking 2 different
languages, not communication or
understanding each others needs and
wants.
My husband has no addiction problems
and didn't understand my need and wants
for my recovery program to live by. It was
explained to me that in order for the entire
family to become one healthy unit was to
have all members learn some sort of recovery
program to help understand addiction and
its affects on the sick member and those
around them.
However in my little family, I was the
only one sick and needed a recovery program,
but since I no longer drank I really didn't need
to go to AA any longer too. Family sought no
need to a recovery program except my husband
who went to alanon a few time to learn the word
detachment and then they continued on with
school and work without skipping a beat.
I couldn't accept having sex without the
love, care, understanding, communication
from my spouse who only wanted to get
a release and that's all. Wham bam thank
you mam.
Yes, I use sex to capture him because I
was sick. Then I began to get heathy and
he couldn't or wouldn't understand the
change in me and thus ended our 25yr
marriage.
Addiction controls all areas of our life,
our minds, bodies and souls and what
ever damage Ive done in the past, I had
to come to terms with it, make amends
and move forward in a healthy, happy
manner without destroying people,
places and things in its path.
alcohol addiction even tho I didn't
realize I was. Sex played a role in
capturing my first husband, then
when I entered recovery in '90 and
began to slowly get healthy in mind,
body and soul, sex began to take on
a different meaning to me.
Sex is not dirty or use to a weapon to
capture someone but is to be shared
between 2 with love, care, understanding,
mutual, respect......
The longer I remain sober learning to
live on lifes terms and incorporating
healthy tools and knowledge within
our marriage, it seemed that we were
on 2 different planets speaking 2 different
languages, not communication or
understanding each others needs and
wants.
My husband has no addiction problems
and didn't understand my need and wants
for my recovery program to live by. It was
explained to me that in order for the entire
family to become one healthy unit was to
have all members learn some sort of recovery
program to help understand addiction and
its affects on the sick member and those
around them.
However in my little family, I was the
only one sick and needed a recovery program,
but since I no longer drank I really didn't need
to go to AA any longer too. Family sought no
need to a recovery program except my husband
who went to alanon a few time to learn the word
detachment and then they continued on with
school and work without skipping a beat.
I couldn't accept having sex without the
love, care, understanding, communication
from my spouse who only wanted to get
a release and that's all. Wham bam thank
you mam.
Yes, I use sex to capture him because I
was sick. Then I began to get heathy and
he couldn't or wouldn't understand the
change in me and thus ended our 25yr
marriage.
Addiction controls all areas of our life,
our minds, bodies and souls and what
ever damage Ive done in the past, I had
to come to terms with it, make amends
and move forward in a healthy, happy
manner without destroying people,
places and things in its path.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
R- Welcome to SR. I think that you need to educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism. I know in Alanon they don't recommend you to make any major decisions for 6 month after joining Alanon. You need to get healthy and make the right decision for you and your family.
Hit some meetings, go to an open AA meeting. Go on to the Sober Recovery website for AA members and New to Recovery. The information on this forum is amazing. You will learn so much about this horrible disease.
Keep reaching out and asking questions. You will learn a lot!! (((((((((((hugs my friend))))))))))))))))
Hit some meetings, go to an open AA meeting. Go on to the Sober Recovery website for AA members and New to Recovery. The information on this forum is amazing. You will learn so much about this horrible disease.
Keep reaching out and asking questions. You will learn a lot!! (((((((((((hugs my friend))))))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I don't know how long I can stay in this unhealthy relationship.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
