LemonGirl

I was just thinking.,...

I spent years of my life trying to find the type of relationship I thought my mother had with my step-dad. They were so in love. She goes around still saying that what they had was rare and it was magic.

I finally found my love in my xabf. Truly... He was everything I wanted. Everything. Including the part about a social guy who likes to go to bbq's and kareoke and to have fun.

When the truth of his addiction came reeling in to my reality, I was smacked with another reality that has me so sad. My mom... she is drinking practically every night now. Up to 12 beers. Had the "stomach flu" today and missed half of work. It's been just over two years now since we lost my step-dad... to cancer... of the liver. And yet, no-one in the family wants to admit that it was because of his drinking. And somehow, in the face of her reality, she has to find a way to live on... and of course I hope that means less drinking... or none at all...?

I had this revelation today. I got exactly what I wanted. What my xabf and I had was magical..... and we were so in love... and we shared the unique ability to continue the disease together.

I guess this is the point in my life where I no longer want that. Not really sure what I want then.... that'll take lots of time, I'm sure.

Duckygirl1

That's deep sis!! I keep saying I want what my parents had. They were married 67 years! But truth be told, they weren't really great years. They were years plagued with booze. And what did I get? A drunken junkie. I want better! I deserve better!

. I just watched a segment on Oprah about writing a love list when it comes to a life partner. I thought I'd have very few wants, but I'm up to page four in my journal now. Honestly, I put down everything from height to age and tats. I dig tats. I think that sometimes it's easier to start with what you don't want to show you what you really do want. The trick is to really believe that you deserve all of those great things that you want and keep your focus.

maybear

That is so awesome that you have broken the cycle!

LemonGirl

Is that breaking the cycle? I'm still deeply in love with him. When I go NC in about 5 months, I'm still going to be in love with him. I wish I hated him. It would be easier to detach.
I say NC in 5 months because the deal is that if he can sober up while on deployment we can take things slow when he gets back. The other option is that if be doesn't have a handle on his drinking, we go our separate ways.... I know better than to believe that just because he is deployed that he will sober up. I actually expect him to fool himself that "he'll take care of it when he gets back" and then expect me to buy it all the while he'll be struggling to hide the truth. BUT....... there is hope. People do change. I've seen it. Just gonna sit back and watch and in the mean time keep pluckin away at my own progress. :-)

LemonGirl

Ducky, I LOVE tattoos as well!!! He has some great tattoos. One of which he recently got done. It happens to be a picture I found one day and he just fell in love with it. Which is crazy, because now, no matter what happens between him and I, every time he looks at that tat, he'll think of me. Hope that's always a positive thought! Yikes!
And yes girl.... You DO deserve better! It's pretty normal for children to grow up and repeat and magnify what they learned from their parents... so hard to look outside the box. Be proud that you recognize the negative pattern and know you want something different. I love the idea of a love list too.

Timetoheal12

I think I understand you.
While growing up, I always hated how my mom had to marry someone who wasn't the love of her life (she told me her story).
I felt like, the issues between her and my father were because of the lack of love.
So I wanted to find someone whom I loved deeply and fight to stay with that man.

What I didn't knew (until now that I'm 21) is that my father is an alcoholic...

So, yeah. Maybe the issues between my parents weren't because of "lack of love", but because of his disease.

However, I too love a guy who is an A. Or at least I think I love him... But love is not enough...

maybear

It's ok that you still love him.
But you sound like you aren't going to have a life led with an alcoholic. Even if you love him.
That's breaking the cycle to me.

SeriousKarma

No it wouldn't. Hate isn't really the opposite of Love. It's more like Love's evil twin.

If you're still deeply in love with him maybe it's because you're not letting yourself fall out of love. Maybe what you need to do is allow yourself to move on. Take off those rose colored glasses that you inherited from your mom, and let the relationship end. Now, not later.

This whole "deployment-to-sobriety" thing makes me very nervous. Been there, done that. Many, many, many times. If it worked I would still be married, but I think you already know it's a long shot. So this idea of you sitting around for the next five months being loyal to him just seems like a wasted five months to me. He'll come back and it will be fantastic at first. Absence absolutely makes the heart grow fonder, and there's nothing more romantic than a returning soldier. Next thing you know you're right back where you started. Only five months older. Or worse, married with children.

I ran on that hamster wheel for years. Either he's about to deploy, (Can't deal with it when he's heading off to war.) just getting home from a deployment, (Don't want to deal with it when he just got home.) or drunk. In the world of the alcoholic military man, there's never an appropriate time to deal with anything serious.

I know it's hard to take action when you don't know what that action should be, but I think if you keep having revelations like the one you had today you're going to be fine. Just don't be afraid to do what you want to do (when you figure it out).

(((((hugs)))))

LemonGirl

Oh thanx SK! That sounds exactly like the reality that I think I am in for.
He called me, twice, yesterday super drunk. Oh man... his breathing was so erratic he made me worry that be wasnt going to wake up this time. I got off the phone each time as quickly and calmly as I could and let him know we could talk later when his head was "clear".... and then I went on a nice 2 1/2 hour walk with my youngest daughter. That was a nice way to clear my head as I continued to get texts from him. In those texts he was worried I wasn't doing what I said I was doing. Weird. He's never been the jealous type before. Must be deployment insecurities. At any rate, I don't deserve that nonsense. You're right SK... I'll be sitting here totally loyal for 5 months, probably for nothing. There is nothing like a good drunk phone call or nonsensical accusatory text to remind why you're climbing out of the rabbit hole.
Today I have decided to put more space. I am deleting my FB for a while. Thanx for listening guys!!!!

cookiesncream

I don't mean to be a negative nelly here but if he gets sober FOR YOU and that is it quite honestly he's not going to STAY sober. How many relapse rollercoasters do you see here? He's going to have to get sober because HE thinks he has a LIFE THREATENING problem or it won't "stick." I cannot BEGIN to tell you how many relapse stories I see in a day in my recovery group. Honestly its SCARY. Heck I'm doing triple time on my recovery work to make sure I'm not in that camp. That said just beware of his motivations for getting sober if it happens. The wrong reasons will get you on the sober/relapse/sober relapse cycle. Is this what you want? I've loved all kinds of people that were quite honestly toxic for me. I finally had to cut the ties and say "yes I still love you but you are BAD for me." If you're looking for "falling out of love" as the final reason to end a relationship I think you need to do some serious soul searching. I'm not trying to be mean or difficult just candid coming from "the other side."

daydreamer0217

from my experience love and hate are the same thing. I thought I hated him at the end , it helped me to go no contact to have that anger, but it also let me knew how much I really loved him. Hate and anger are masks of sadness. anyway... I ramble on. I also thought I would wait to break up, I kept putting it off. In the end, it just hurt worse, I should have left him back , last June. instead I stayed, until this Feb. it hurt WORSE

LemonGirl

Oh you're fine cookies. I appreciate it. I do know that he can't quit for me. It all started with me just breaking up with him and telling him why. I never gave him ultimatums or made him feel bad for his drinking.... It was more like 'this is who you are, it's a deal breaker for me, so I am leaving you ...'
I expected him to be angry. Instead he cried and fed me the whole "I want a sober life". I knew better really.... but I let it drag on about 4 more months. The only real consequence has been having to feel that "just broke up" feeling again.

I'm aiming for the "Yes I love you but you're BAD for me...."
It's the truth