maybear

I got a really good offer on my house and accepted it. It's a lot more money than I thought I would make.
I should be happy but I felt sad. Then I realised that there is a part of me that won't let myself be happy because of the state my husband is in. I guess I feel a bit guilty that things are kinda going ok for me.
I know it's his bed, he made it. But for some reason, I just can't give myself permission to be happy. It's ridiculous. Maybe if I am happy then that means I've let go completely and that scares me a little.
Maybe it's a codependency thing creeping back in.
I hope I can let it go soon and truly enjoy this bit of good luck that has come my way.

happybeingme

You have been through so much in such a short time it is no wonder you don't feel the way you think you should. That's ok. There are no rules when it comes to emotions. Feel what you feel when you feel it.

FeelingGreat

Super congratulations on the house sale. It never hurts to get more than you expect.
It would be natural to be experiencing conflicting emotions and I wouldn't call you a codie type ever! I'm sure happiness will arrive once you've settled into your new house near friends and family.

Refiner

Congratulations WOW! I think you feel that way be you're an unselfish "normal" person who wonders how the heck can someone just throw it all away like he does - now THAT IS SAD!

maybear

Very true. It would be weird if I didn't feel those things.

It's true as well that I really struggle to get my head around the fact that he chose to keep drinking when he could have tried to keep his family intact. It's hard to believe what he could throw away. The lows he has reached. He is like a stranger. And sometimes I feel shock that this is where I am and what I am doing although I know it's the best thing for my kiddo and I. I never wanted it but I can't fight it.

I guess the extra money will be well needed for us in the future now that I am on my own.

Understand

Well done!! I think the way you have explained your feelings is fantastic. It shows you are in control. I would be the same. It's hard to feel great when someone else has a loss. If I can step in and say. How many times did he feel great when you were unhappy. How many times was he drunk and causing you pain. If he is still drinking can he even feel pain? I'm learning that I am more important. As are my children. It's ok to feel what ever your feeling follow your gut. You know deep down what is right for you and your child xx strength and love to you x

Duckygirl1

Joy will return. Sometimes when I'm not happy when I think I should be, it's because I've come out of some emotionally exhausting process and frankly I'm too tired to be happy if that makes sense. If you were selling the house and all of these changes were stemming from something positive, you'd be over the moon. But it's probably rather anti climactic . It's like big whoop.

That will change. Just breathe. If you can't actually be happy yet, at least indulge in some long over do peace.

maybear

Thank you all for your words. They help me more than you know.
I've just signed the contract to say bye bye to my house. No cooling off period for me so that's that unless the buyer withdraws over the next ten days.
I still feel sad. Like I've just lost everything. My hopes and dreams, my husband, the home I love. It's fresh shock, I guess it will sting for a while until I come to accept the next chapter of my life is officially starting.
I wonder if he has spared a thought for the mess he has left in these past three months, the position he left me in. The drinking has probably kept him in a fog.
I think my sadness more comes from that. The thoughtless destruction. How could he let it get to this point. Why did I have to make this heavy decision and bare that burden, live with that, while he has checked out of life.

Understand

I wonder how much of your new life will be a burden? Drinking might make them bliss out at that moment, but these choices weigh heavy on them. Have you ever met a happy drunk? Have you ever met a happy drunk that has lost his family because of his drinking? I don't think I have. You can't fix him but you can fix yourself. Think about how you will dress your new home. All the things you can have around you that make you happy. Things that maybe you couldn't have before beacuse of the comprises we do when living with another. That's exciting! I can't wait to have candles and trinkets around the place. Have a really ambient vibe to the place! Something we never get with a drinker in the house! Just to sit and read or listen to soft music! Soak in a hot bath with sented candles. Those things are something to look forward to.

maybear

Ha ha I am right with you, Understand! I'm laughing because focusing on decorating is exactly what I've been doing. I bought a new lounge! And some bits and pieces. I love all that.
I do truly value my peace and am looking forward to the move in so many ways, I guess I am still grieving the loss.

Thank you so much for your words xx

knowthetriggers

I can't add much here Maybear but I just wanted to say that I think you are doing fantastic.

Congrats on the sale of your home. Time to take care of you and your precious little one!