Long, rambling intro
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Long, rambling intro
Hi 
I'm Marti and I have been involved with an alcoholic for 18 months now and.. WOW... I am so very overwhelmed by the information and the incredible similarities to my own story on this forum... shocked, actually!!! How comforting to know that I'm not the only wacked out b**** in the world! That's how I was starting to feel - like I was going crazy (I think I was actually going sane though). My realization of my b/f's alcohol abuse came in small drips and drops (no pun intended). He knew I was a non-drinker -- when we met, he said that he didn't really drink either... ahh, anyway... I'd see him drink one or two beers when we were together and I'd figure -- "what the heck, lots of folks come home from work and have a drink or two -- no big deal" -- This, in and of itself, was a giant step for me because, previously, if a guy so much as looked at booze, I'd dump him -- but it was becoming increasingly obvious to me that if I didn't relax my lofty standards a bit, I'd NEVER meet someone who'd be able to live up to them! So... anyway... the more we saw each other, the more I suspected that there was more to his drinking than met the eye... but I couldn't PROVE it and I didn't want to assume. After 8 months together he moved back to Montana to "start a new business and help with his step dad who had a stroke" --- Come to find out (very recently) that he'd actually lost his license several years ago in Calif. (drunk driving) and the license he had in his possession, though suspended, was valid until November (when he moved). So he moved back to mom's and used this non-driving time to "focus on his new business" The thing is, he never really seemed to work at it (although I wasn't there to know for sure). What he seemed to work on was his music and, of course, drinking (mom's an alcoholic as well and there are always at least 50 beers chillin' in the 'fridge) I'm honestly beginning to think that the whole self employed thing was a smoke screen -- a diversion for the benefit of those around him -- to get him through the months before his license got restored.
My first visit to Montana was in Jan. of this year --a month after he left here. I was pretty shocked by what I witnessed in terms of his drinking. I also realized that I'd never really spent much time with him sober!!! Upon returning home, I told him that I couldn't move out to MT to live with him - not with him drinking the way he does. We went around about my moving out there for a while - each time he mentioned it, I would tell him that I don't know if I'm moving out there -- yes, I care deeply (love) him but I know myself well enough to know that I don't tolerate drunks (I'm an ACoA). My next visit out there was in late March and it was more of the same, so my resolve to not move increased. In May he announced that he quit. He hated his beer gut, he wanted to get in shape and feel better and beer was counter-productive to achieving his goals. I was THRILLED and finally agreed to move out. We eventually settled on July 17. In June I became suspicious that he was drinking again based on some pretty irrational conversations/arguments we had. When I confronted him about it, he denied and insisted that it's his personality to be a total @$$#0le sometimes (OK, aren't we all?) but my INSTINCTS told me to pay attention...
I should mention that he was here in May and didn't have a drop of alcohol the entire time (I have no alcohol in my house and he can't drive to get any). He seemed perfectly fine with it.
I went back to MT in July during a sibling reunion. His brother asked me when we'd live together or get married and I replied "When he stops drinking" - his brother (three years sober) looked at me and said, "Well, he's an alcoholic - it's not that easy - he has to want to" This was the first time my suspicions had been confirmed. Later that week his sister and I had a talk and she corrected some of the stories he'd told me about his past (he'd left out the parts where he was drunk) and re-confirmed that he is, indeed, an alcoholic.
He told me he wouldn't drink around me and, aside from one beer and two glasses of wine, he didn't drink that week...
At any rate, when I got home he took off for a job interview in Jamaica. He called me from there on his last night - after a celebratory dinner, trashed. His second night back in MT we had yet another irrational discussion/argument and the next day I sent him a scathing email stating that I could not continue this relationship if he continued to drink. I told him that he had to stop and get help or it was over...
Ten days of silence followed; he needed time to think. I sent him emails about AA, I sent him information on alcoholism... I even sent him an analogy in which I tried to illustrate how his drinking can be compared to having an affair - how being drunk, and how the lengths he goes to, in order to hide it and deny it, are alarmingly similar to -- and have the same basic effect on our relationship as an affair would. The hurt, anger and betrayal that I feel are comparable to what someone feels when they discover that have been cheated on (it's a shock -- no matter how much "they" suspected, or how long "they" suspected it, before their suspicions were validated). At any rate, it was lost on him. He knows himself, he knows what his problems are and he knows how to deal with it - my attempts to bring perspective to his thinking were in vain. He can quit whenever he wants, he won't drink when he's around me.. blah blah blah...
When we finally did talk (earlier this week) he said he had no problem with quitting and getting help. Yesterday he changed his story to "no problem with quitting but I'm not getting help - been there done that and it doesn't work" EVidently, AA was part of the judge's order when he lost his license. All he got out of the experience was making coffee... He's an incredibly manipulative and persuasive (charming, intelligent, etc) guy. He has a good heart. He went through hell as a kid (I found this out from his brother) and evidently he has issues that the booze help to soften - although he will not talk about them.
He is an incredibly high functioning alcoholic. Most of the time, when he drinks,it's hard to tell that he's drunk. He is as sweet and loving as they come; he lavishes attention on me, tells me I'm beautiful (the more he drinks, the prettier I become!) - he's wonderful... and then his evil twin appears sometimes and then he's a real :*******:
I'm torn. I do love him. I realize the psychology behind the attraction (righting the wrongs of my childhood) but it doesn't change how I feel in my heart. So, for now the plans to move are, once again, on hold and it's time to take care of me and that's how I ended up here. I haven't yet found the nerve to go to an Al-Anon meeting but I've promised myself to give it a shot on Wednesday... no excuses.
Sorry for rambling on so...
I'm Marti and I have been involved with an alcoholic for 18 months now and.. WOW... I am so very overwhelmed by the information and the incredible similarities to my own story on this forum... shocked, actually!!! How comforting to know that I'm not the only wacked out b**** in the world! That's how I was starting to feel - like I was going crazy (I think I was actually going sane though). My realization of my b/f's alcohol abuse came in small drips and drops (no pun intended). He knew I was a non-drinker -- when we met, he said that he didn't really drink either... ahh, anyway... I'd see him drink one or two beers when we were together and I'd figure -- "what the heck, lots of folks come home from work and have a drink or two -- no big deal" -- This, in and of itself, was a giant step for me because, previously, if a guy so much as looked at booze, I'd dump him -- but it was becoming increasingly obvious to me that if I didn't relax my lofty standards a bit, I'd NEVER meet someone who'd be able to live up to them! So... anyway... the more we saw each other, the more I suspected that there was more to his drinking than met the eye... but I couldn't PROVE it and I didn't want to assume. After 8 months together he moved back to Montana to "start a new business and help with his step dad who had a stroke" --- Come to find out (very recently) that he'd actually lost his license several years ago in Calif. (drunk driving) and the license he had in his possession, though suspended, was valid until November (when he moved). So he moved back to mom's and used this non-driving time to "focus on his new business" The thing is, he never really seemed to work at it (although I wasn't there to know for sure). What he seemed to work on was his music and, of course, drinking (mom's an alcoholic as well and there are always at least 50 beers chillin' in the 'fridge) I'm honestly beginning to think that the whole self employed thing was a smoke screen -- a diversion for the benefit of those around him -- to get him through the months before his license got restored.
My first visit to Montana was in Jan. of this year --a month after he left here. I was pretty shocked by what I witnessed in terms of his drinking. I also realized that I'd never really spent much time with him sober!!! Upon returning home, I told him that I couldn't move out to MT to live with him - not with him drinking the way he does. We went around about my moving out there for a while - each time he mentioned it, I would tell him that I don't know if I'm moving out there -- yes, I care deeply (love) him but I know myself well enough to know that I don't tolerate drunks (I'm an ACoA). My next visit out there was in late March and it was more of the same, so my resolve to not move increased. In May he announced that he quit. He hated his beer gut, he wanted to get in shape and feel better and beer was counter-productive to achieving his goals. I was THRILLED and finally agreed to move out. We eventually settled on July 17. In June I became suspicious that he was drinking again based on some pretty irrational conversations/arguments we had. When I confronted him about it, he denied and insisted that it's his personality to be a total @$$#0le sometimes (OK, aren't we all?) but my INSTINCTS told me to pay attention...
I should mention that he was here in May and didn't have a drop of alcohol the entire time (I have no alcohol in my house and he can't drive to get any). He seemed perfectly fine with it.
I went back to MT in July during a sibling reunion. His brother asked me when we'd live together or get married and I replied "When he stops drinking" - his brother (three years sober) looked at me and said, "Well, he's an alcoholic - it's not that easy - he has to want to" This was the first time my suspicions had been confirmed. Later that week his sister and I had a talk and she corrected some of the stories he'd told me about his past (he'd left out the parts where he was drunk) and re-confirmed that he is, indeed, an alcoholic.
He told me he wouldn't drink around me and, aside from one beer and two glasses of wine, he didn't drink that week...
At any rate, when I got home he took off for a job interview in Jamaica. He called me from there on his last night - after a celebratory dinner, trashed. His second night back in MT we had yet another irrational discussion/argument and the next day I sent him a scathing email stating that I could not continue this relationship if he continued to drink. I told him that he had to stop and get help or it was over...
Ten days of silence followed; he needed time to think. I sent him emails about AA, I sent him information on alcoholism... I even sent him an analogy in which I tried to illustrate how his drinking can be compared to having an affair - how being drunk, and how the lengths he goes to, in order to hide it and deny it, are alarmingly similar to -- and have the same basic effect on our relationship as an affair would. The hurt, anger and betrayal that I feel are comparable to what someone feels when they discover that have been cheated on (it's a shock -- no matter how much "they" suspected, or how long "they" suspected it, before their suspicions were validated). At any rate, it was lost on him. He knows himself, he knows what his problems are and he knows how to deal with it - my attempts to bring perspective to his thinking were in vain. He can quit whenever he wants, he won't drink when he's around me.. blah blah blah...
When we finally did talk (earlier this week) he said he had no problem with quitting and getting help. Yesterday he changed his story to "no problem with quitting but I'm not getting help - been there done that and it doesn't work" EVidently, AA was part of the judge's order when he lost his license. All he got out of the experience was making coffee... He's an incredibly manipulative and persuasive (charming, intelligent, etc) guy. He has a good heart. He went through hell as a kid (I found this out from his brother) and evidently he has issues that the booze help to soften - although he will not talk about them.
He is an incredibly high functioning alcoholic. Most of the time, when he drinks,it's hard to tell that he's drunk. He is as sweet and loving as they come; he lavishes attention on me, tells me I'm beautiful (the more he drinks, the prettier I become!) - he's wonderful... and then his evil twin appears sometimes and then he's a real :*******:
I'm torn. I do love him. I realize the psychology behind the attraction (righting the wrongs of my childhood) but it doesn't change how I feel in my heart. So, for now the plans to move are, once again, on hold and it's time to take care of me and that's how I ended up here. I haven't yet found the nerve to go to an Al-Anon meeting but I've promised myself to give it a shot on Wednesday... no excuses.
Sorry for rambling on so...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Marti,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you're here.
Work up that nerve and go to that meeting.
You won't be sorry.
And your boyfriend is using an abridged version of my college bar line, which went "Drink up baby, I get better looking as the night goes on."
Stick around,
Gabe
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you're here.
Work up that nerve and go to that meeting.
You won't be sorry.
And your boyfriend is using an abridged version of my college bar line, which went "Drink up baby, I get better looking as the night goes on."
Stick around,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Cadence...
Your not rambling... just laying it out... ;o)
I can see so many things in your post that I can relate to. One especially is that loyalty to the relationship... or the idea of the relationship... even in the face of the fact that it could eventually tear me apart...
...because addicts take no hostages... they only torture the willing victims...
I'm also an ACOA as well as an addict.. and as such.. I'm predisposed to have inappropriate feelings of responsbility around other people.... and I put love and care for others before love and care for myself.
You sound pretty aware of what's going on in your relationship... but... control and caretaking issues can blindside us.
But.. the more I hang around this forum.. the more open my eyes are getting around my behaviors that are causing me problems.
In the end... as selfish as it can seem.. it's gotta be our welfare first... and others second.
Welcome to SR... where sanity resides... ;o)
Your not rambling... just laying it out... ;o)
I can see so many things in your post that I can relate to. One especially is that loyalty to the relationship... or the idea of the relationship... even in the face of the fact that it could eventually tear me apart...
...because addicts take no hostages... they only torture the willing victims...
I'm also an ACOA as well as an addict.. and as such.. I'm predisposed to have inappropriate feelings of responsbility around other people.... and I put love and care for others before love and care for myself.
You sound pretty aware of what's going on in your relationship... but... control and caretaking issues can blindside us.
But.. the more I hang around this forum.. the more open my eyes are getting around my behaviors that are causing me problems.
In the end... as selfish as it can seem.. it's gotta be our welfare first... and others second.
Welcome to SR... where sanity resides... ;o)
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by Gabe
Hey Marti,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you're here.
Work up that nerve and go to that meeting.
You won't be sorry.
And your boyfriend is using an abridged version of my college bar line, which went "Drink up baby, I get better looking as the night goes on."
Stick around,
Gabe
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you're here.
Work up that nerve and go to that meeting.
You won't be sorry.
And your boyfriend is using an abridged version of my college bar line, which went "Drink up baby, I get better looking as the night goes on."
Stick around,
Gabe
LOL - I think it's called the Beer Goggle effect...
RE: Al-Anon... I'm truly terrified of going - I'm already suffering from information overload after being on this site. I'm working on putting the puzzle pieces together to get a better view of the situation - and reading others' posts really helps a lot - I have to believe that HEARING others' stories will help as much if not more.
I went to a few ACoA meetings a long time ago but found myself "shutting down" when issues of sexual abuse were brought up (as they so often are); having been abused by a half brother as a small child, it was an issue I was not yet ready to deal with. I think I am beyond that now, but I remember the panic I felt and I think I'm afraid of feeling that way again. Then, of course, there's the incessant worry that I'll be the only one there... or I won't be the only one there and I won't fit in and... and... and....
:lame: :banghead:
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Not sure why, but you made me cry... maybe it was the line: I think it may have hit a nerve...
Thanks for the welcome (lol, not the tears!)
Marti
addicts take no hostages... they only torture the willing victims...
Thanks for the welcome (lol, not the tears!)
Marti
Last edited by Cadence57; 08-23-2004 at 07:22 AM.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Cadence
I am the mother of an addict and have not been in your shoes, but I just wanted to welcome you too and say that you seem to have a pretty good perspective of what is happening.
I just want to encourage you to make it to that meeting, and if you are not happy with it to keep trying. Working a live program with a sponsor to help me through the tough parts made all the difference to me - it saved my life.
And please keep sharing here as often as you like. The support here has also been significant to my recovery and keeps me balanced. Just know that we care and we're here any time.
Hugs
Ann
I am the mother of an addict and have not been in your shoes, but I just wanted to welcome you too and say that you seem to have a pretty good perspective of what is happening.
I just want to encourage you to make it to that meeting, and if you are not happy with it to keep trying. Working a live program with a sponsor to help me through the tough parts made all the difference to me - it saved my life.
And please keep sharing here as often as you like. The support here has also been significant to my recovery and keeps me balanced. Just know that we care and we're here any time.
Hugs
Ann
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by Ann
Welcome Cadence
I am the mother of an addict and have not been in your shoes, but I just wanted to welcome you too and say that you seem to have a pretty good perspective of what is happening.
I just want to encourage you to make it to that meeting, and if you are not happy with it to keep trying. Working a live program with a sponsor to help me through the tough parts made all the difference to me - it saved my life.
And please keep sharing here as often as you like. The support here has also been significant to my recovery and keeps me balanced. Just know that we care and we're here any time.
Hugs
Ann
I am the mother of an addict and have not been in your shoes, but I just wanted to welcome you too and say that you seem to have a pretty good perspective of what is happening.
I just want to encourage you to make it to that meeting, and if you are not happy with it to keep trying. Working a live program with a sponsor to help me through the tough parts made all the difference to me - it saved my life.
And please keep sharing here as often as you like. The support here has also been significant to my recovery and keeps me balanced. Just know that we care and we're here any time.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
welcome cadence
i haven't been here long but you'll find everyone here helpful and willing to share their knowledge, experiences, etc.
we all are on the same bus! go to a meeting, nothing to lose, lots to gain. i know what you mean about info overload!
hugs to you - cwohio
i haven't been here long but you'll find everyone here helpful and willing to share their knowledge, experiences, etc.
we all are on the same bus! go to a meeting, nothing to lose, lots to gain. i know what you mean about info overload!
hugs to you - cwohio
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 14
hi marti,
I feel for your situation! You have already discovered how similar all our stories are. I hope you make it to Al-Anon this week because I think it will help you find many answers. I have been married to an alcoholic for 4 1/2 years and unfortunately I never really took the time to find out about alcoholism before I committed to my husband. I didn't understand the seriousness of the situation and what I was getting myself in for. I truly believed that if he only had more willpower he could stop drinking! I wish you all the best and hope you make the choices that will bring you personal growth and happiness.
I feel for your situation! You have already discovered how similar all our stories are. I hope you make it to Al-Anon this week because I think it will help you find many answers. I have been married to an alcoholic for 4 1/2 years and unfortunately I never really took the time to find out about alcoholism before I committed to my husband. I didn't understand the seriousness of the situation and what I was getting myself in for. I truly believed that if he only had more willpower he could stop drinking! I wish you all the best and hope you make the choices that will bring you personal growth and happiness.
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Maggie May and CWOhio
Thanks so much for understanding... it means the world to me... I've felt too alone in this and I've been struggling with my instinct vs what he tells me... reading everyone else's stories and seeing my words in their posts, has done me a world of good - no doubt that going to meetings will add to my relief.
Thanks so much for understanding... it means the world to me... I've felt too alone in this and I've been struggling with my instinct vs what he tells me... reading everyone else's stories and seeing my words in their posts, has done me a world of good - no doubt that going to meetings will add to my relief.
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by cwohio
cadence - let us know when you are able to get to a meeting and your thoughts - it really isn't as scary as you would think!
cwohio
cwohio
I see where this is going and I don't like it -- but I can't control it... so... I need to do what I need to do for ME, even if it hurts... I have to believe that something better is just around the next bend.
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by CrazyRed
Cad57-
Whew- your post was a trip down my own memory lane!
It does get better, it really does.
~Red
Whew- your post was a trip down my own memory lane!
It does get better, it really does.
~Red
For me the fantasy definition of "get better" means that he'll magically realize how much his drinking has not only affected his life, but our relationship (as well as countless relationships before I came along). The fantasy is that he'll get help and really try. The fantasy is that we'll live together and work together to build a better relationship based on honesty, trust and understanding... the fantasy is he'll see what a total _____ he's been and apologize for being such a total (fill in the blanks with an appropriate adjective/s). The fantasy is that we'll work it out.
The reality is that I need to get my butt to a meeting and get on with life based on what is happening today - not what I hope will happen tomorrow...
sucks to be me!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Javatown
Posts: 92
"Better"
[QUOTE=Cadence57]Define "get better" -- LOL
More manageable, more real, healthier, more of the GOOD STUFF in your heart and daily life!!!!!!!
That good stuff managed to creep up on me unexpectedly while I was too busy paying newly focused attention to my own affairs. Positive wafted in and just stayed there; a quiet constant through the good days and the not-as-good moments.
I'm living my own reality-was-once-a-fantasy just for today: classes with the local college start tonight (I have not been back since 2001), I'm happy, I'm satisfied, go to work every day with a job that I enjoy, spend good times w/family and friends etc etc. The tools that I learned how to use in AlAnon helped me to reinvent my life this summer and it feels sooooooo good to be Me again. (Relations with my active ALO are even improving in a dramatic fashion that gets better every weekend, so far right now.)
Just for today I am content, grateful and happy. Tomorrow's events are still a secret to me, so there's no use to fret over it right now.
Enough said??
More manageable, more real, healthier, more of the GOOD STUFF in your heart and daily life!!!!!!!
That good stuff managed to creep up on me unexpectedly while I was too busy paying newly focused attention to my own affairs. Positive wafted in and just stayed there; a quiet constant through the good days and the not-as-good moments.
I'm living my own reality-was-once-a-fantasy just for today: classes with the local college start tonight (I have not been back since 2001), I'm happy, I'm satisfied, go to work every day with a job that I enjoy, spend good times w/family and friends etc etc. The tools that I learned how to use in AlAnon helped me to reinvent my life this summer and it feels sooooooo good to be Me again. (Relations with my active ALO are even improving in a dramatic fashion that gets better every weekend, so far right now.)
Just for today I am content, grateful and happy. Tomorrow's events are still a secret to me, so there's no use to fret over it right now.
Enough said??
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
[QUOTE=CrazyRed] Very inspirational, Red -- your reality sounds wonderful! I can't wait to get where you are 
Originally Posted by Cadence57
Define "get better" -- LOL
More manageable, more real, healthier, more of the GOOD STUFF in your heart and daily life!!!!!!!
That good stuff managed to creep up on me unexpectedly while I was too busy paying newly focused attention to my own affairs. Positive wafted in and just stayed there; a quiet constant through the good days and the not-as-good moments.
I'm living my own reality-was-once-a-fantasy just for today: classes with the local college start tonight (I have not been back since 2001), I'm happy, I'm satisfied, go to work every day with a job that I enjoy, spend good times w/family and friends etc etc. The tools that I learned how to use in AlAnon helped me to reinvent my life this summer and it feels sooooooo good to be Me again. (Relations with my active ALO are even improving in a dramatic fashion that gets better every weekend, so far right now.)
Just for today I am content, grateful and happy. Tomorrow's events are still a secret to me, so there's no use to fret over it right now.
Enough said??
More manageable, more real, healthier, more of the GOOD STUFF in your heart and daily life!!!!!!!
That good stuff managed to creep up on me unexpectedly while I was too busy paying newly focused attention to my own affairs. Positive wafted in and just stayed there; a quiet constant through the good days and the not-as-good moments.
I'm living my own reality-was-once-a-fantasy just for today: classes with the local college start tonight (I have not been back since 2001), I'm happy, I'm satisfied, go to work every day with a job that I enjoy, spend good times w/family and friends etc etc. The tools that I learned how to use in AlAnon helped me to reinvent my life this summer and it feels sooooooo good to be Me again. (Relations with my active ALO are even improving in a dramatic fashion that gets better every weekend, so far right now.)
Just for today I am content, grateful and happy. Tomorrow's events are still a secret to me, so there's no use to fret over it right now.
Enough said??
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by Cadence57
Define "get better" -- LOL
For me the fantasy definition of "get better" means that he'll magically realize how much his drinking has not only affected his life, but our relationship (as well as countless relationships before I came along). The fantasy is that he'll get help and really try. The fantasy is that we'll live together and work together to build a better relationship based on honesty, trust and understanding... the fantasy is he'll see what a total _____ he's been and apologize for being such a total (fill in the blanks with an appropriate adjective/s). The fantasy is that we'll work it out.
The reality is that I need to get my butt to a meeting and get on with life based on what is happening today - not what I hope will happen tomorrow...
sucks to be me!
For me the fantasy definition of "get better" means that he'll magically realize how much his drinking has not only affected his life, but our relationship (as well as countless relationships before I came along). The fantasy is that he'll get help and really try. The fantasy is that we'll live together and work together to build a better relationship based on honesty, trust and understanding... the fantasy is he'll see what a total _____ he's been and apologize for being such a total (fill in the blanks with an appropriate adjective/s). The fantasy is that we'll work it out.
The reality is that I need to get my butt to a meeting and get on with life based on what is happening today - not what I hope will happen tomorrow...
sucks to be me!
Reality is that it sucks to be all of us if that's where we want to put our focus. It's so difficult to focus on the positive sometimes that I think I'm going to throw up. Most of the time, I don't throw up, I make it through one day and then another, some days I feel a little more progress on me. Some days I feel once again like I am free falling from a mountain cliff and there is panic and doubt.
What I know for certain is that my "getting better" or having a good day verses a bad one doesn't have anything to do with what my SO is doing, admiting or where's he's going because I can't control him. I love him and that can be more of a curse than a blessing but it's my choice, just like getting better and putting the focus on me is my choice.
I've also come to realize that most of what he says, for instance if he were to apologize for being a real "whatever", would only be words to him. He has the desire to make things right with me however, he doesn't really understand the depth of what he is saying or the correlation to his actions. He is emotionally numb to the impact of his words or actions and mine. He doesn't do this because he's a bad guy but because he's numbed himself with his addictions for so long. Therefore, even if I did get an apology at this point what would that really mean?
Reality - since I can't depend on him, have any expectations of him, trust him, or think about anything besides today with him I have to decide it's worth it to me to spend my time around him. This is the hard part of the dance with the addict. It's not about loving him enough, it's about loving myself enough to know when enough is enough.
Hugs!
Marci
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Hi Marci,
Thanks for the words of wisdom (born of experience). I'm working on my limits, my boundries -- trying to figure out went "enough is enough" for me. I know I haven't gotten there yet, but I also know I'm close. I just have to figure out how much I'm willing to take before I get to that place where I need to let go of him and our relationship. I want to give him a chance to make things right but... how many chances does he need? My call, I suppose. I'd be thrilled if he would commit to 90 meetings in 90 days... will he? I doubt it, and I'm not going to try to force him. It's his life -- his addiction -- and it will be his loss.
I know what you mean by the apologies and empty words and... numbed... Ed tells me he loves me but... I can't help but wonder, if he choses to be numbed with alcohol, HOW CAN HE LOVE? I don't think he even loves himself so, again, how can he love me?? I'm sorting out the pieces, trying to make sense of it all.
Thanks for the words of wisdom (born of experience). I'm working on my limits, my boundries -- trying to figure out went "enough is enough" for me. I know I haven't gotten there yet, but I also know I'm close. I just have to figure out how much I'm willing to take before I get to that place where I need to let go of him and our relationship. I want to give him a chance to make things right but... how many chances does he need? My call, I suppose. I'd be thrilled if he would commit to 90 meetings in 90 days... will he? I doubt it, and I'm not going to try to force him. It's his life -- his addiction -- and it will be his loss.
I know what you mean by the apologies and empty words and... numbed... Ed tells me he loves me but... I can't help but wonder, if he choses to be numbed with alcohol, HOW CAN HE LOVE? I don't think he even loves himself so, again, how can he love me?? I'm sorting out the pieces, trying to make sense of it all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Guess what with an addict there is not much at all that will make sence. The only sence that we can find is in ourselves. There is no reasoning behind his actions right this very minute my bf is taking cans from his mother's house and maybe some other things too to get money for drugs. He is also on his mother's van. Ok where is the sence in that, there is none. And when he will finally come back he will cry saying he will never do it agian and he does feel genuine remorse for his actions. I have recently come to understand from being here that I have to set my boundries, I have to focus on me and guess what right now I am worried but I am not panicing. I am working soo hard to focus on me right now that I don't need to worry about him , that is for him to do. Right now I have goals for myself. I ate an entire salad this morning for the first time ever ( I am not a veggie eater so this is a big accomplishment ) I need to get help for my food addiction. I realized that yesturday . I was pigging out and knowing what it was doing to my body and destroying what I have worked so hard to loose I have lost 70 pounds and I am already starting to gain weight again. I still have a long way to go . My daughters deserve a healthy mama. Soo I am fighting for me. I have tried fighting for him and it does not work. Only he can fight for him. I have been soo focused on him that I have not been on my diet or doing anything for myself for months. I can't do that no more. Doing that leaves me feeling overwhelmed and hopless, and helpless. I love my bf dearly and if I thought that I could do something that would make him quit and get better I would but I now know there is nothing I can do, its up to him.
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