Why do I keep getting sucked back in?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 28
Why do I keep getting sucked back in?
Hello all,
I read these posts almost every day. I had a very long relationship with an emotionally abusive, cheating, lying alcoholic and the past year I have broken it off almost completely. He hasn’t lived with me for several years and since last summer; I really haven’t spent much time with him at all. The problem is, is that every few months, he tells me he wants to get sober and he starts going to AA (at least he says he does, but I have no clue). Then about 3 weeks later, he is full force being a hateful alcoholic (when he’s like this we have no contact for a month or so). It’s a stupid cycle and what’s worse is that I BELIEVE HIM every time he says he wants to be sober. This last time around, in the beginning of March, he said I was everything to him and he couldn’t live without me and he was done drinking. He said to watch and he will become the man I have always wanted….Well, I watched and right at 3 weeks, he hated he for NO reason-he started drinking again. I was a worthless B…. and so on. He said horrible things and he disappeared. Now, he is calling on and off being nice and then being hateful. He says I am the only one that has a problem with his drinking and that he is a drunk…that is who he is and that I need to get over it.
I point blank ask him what he wanted from me last night- I wanted the truth. Why was I even in his life if I was to blame for all of his problems? He tells me he doesn’t know…He loves me, but he doesn’t?? I have been doing this with him for 8 years now, so I pretty much get that fact that he wants me at a distance right now. He wants to party and drink and have a great time while I feel like crap…then when he is ready or lonely….I will be there. He basically breaks my heart all over again time and time and it doesn’t PHASE him at all….He goes on his merry way and does whatever he wants.
My dilemma is that I KNOW this is going to continue for 8 more years if I let it. I KNOW he doesn’t take me seriously and doesn’t cherish me as a girlfriend. He doesn’t really apologize for anything and he I don’t know if he even has true feelings. But for some stupid reason, I keep believing his BS and it is stopping me from moving forward in my life. I should be dating and having fun, enjoying this time. I am 33 years old now. I graduate nursing school in August and I will be starting a new career and a new life. I do want a family at some point. I don’t know why I am stuck on his guy and I need some advice as to how to break this cycle. I have never been stuck on someone like this before. I don’t even know why I talk to him. I have learned that I don’t need him for anything….I am ok financially (not that he ever helped), I am busy with school. I have friends and go out….In fact, when I think about it, I cannot see a future with this guy. He already has 2 kids that he doesn’t seem to care much about (I would always beg him to change to be a better father for his girls and he always said he wanted to and would for a short time, than he goes back to being a shady, selfish alcoholic). Has anyone felt so stuck on a person that doesn’t even show real love back? Any advice on how to break this cycle? I go no contact for weeks and maybe a month and a ½ and guess what…after about a week of not talking to him, I am FINE. But for some reason, I sucked back to his lies. I don’t know if this is a control issue for me or just low self esteem or just wanting to believe the best in someone? His daughter is coming in town for the summer and I have pretty much helped raise her her ENTIRE life (she is 10). But I have told myself (for the first time) that I am not going to see her this time around…I love her, but I feel it is part of what is keeping me trapped. Is that wrong? It is very hard to make this decision, but it’s not healthy to continue to spend time together and if I truly want to move on, I feel I need to get away from everything in his life. Any advice on how to stay strong would be appreciated.
Thanks
I read these posts almost every day. I had a very long relationship with an emotionally abusive, cheating, lying alcoholic and the past year I have broken it off almost completely. He hasn’t lived with me for several years and since last summer; I really haven’t spent much time with him at all. The problem is, is that every few months, he tells me he wants to get sober and he starts going to AA (at least he says he does, but I have no clue). Then about 3 weeks later, he is full force being a hateful alcoholic (when he’s like this we have no contact for a month or so). It’s a stupid cycle and what’s worse is that I BELIEVE HIM every time he says he wants to be sober. This last time around, in the beginning of March, he said I was everything to him and he couldn’t live without me and he was done drinking. He said to watch and he will become the man I have always wanted….Well, I watched and right at 3 weeks, he hated he for NO reason-he started drinking again. I was a worthless B…. and so on. He said horrible things and he disappeared. Now, he is calling on and off being nice and then being hateful. He says I am the only one that has a problem with his drinking and that he is a drunk…that is who he is and that I need to get over it.
I point blank ask him what he wanted from me last night- I wanted the truth. Why was I even in his life if I was to blame for all of his problems? He tells me he doesn’t know…He loves me, but he doesn’t?? I have been doing this with him for 8 years now, so I pretty much get that fact that he wants me at a distance right now. He wants to party and drink and have a great time while I feel like crap…then when he is ready or lonely….I will be there. He basically breaks my heart all over again time and time and it doesn’t PHASE him at all….He goes on his merry way and does whatever he wants.
My dilemma is that I KNOW this is going to continue for 8 more years if I let it. I KNOW he doesn’t take me seriously and doesn’t cherish me as a girlfriend. He doesn’t really apologize for anything and he I don’t know if he even has true feelings. But for some stupid reason, I keep believing his BS and it is stopping me from moving forward in my life. I should be dating and having fun, enjoying this time. I am 33 years old now. I graduate nursing school in August and I will be starting a new career and a new life. I do want a family at some point. I don’t know why I am stuck on his guy and I need some advice as to how to break this cycle. I have never been stuck on someone like this before. I don’t even know why I talk to him. I have learned that I don’t need him for anything….I am ok financially (not that he ever helped), I am busy with school. I have friends and go out….In fact, when I think about it, I cannot see a future with this guy. He already has 2 kids that he doesn’t seem to care much about (I would always beg him to change to be a better father for his girls and he always said he wanted to and would for a short time, than he goes back to being a shady, selfish alcoholic). Has anyone felt so stuck on a person that doesn’t even show real love back? Any advice on how to break this cycle? I go no contact for weeks and maybe a month and a ½ and guess what…after about a week of not talking to him, I am FINE. But for some reason, I sucked back to his lies. I don’t know if this is a control issue for me or just low self esteem or just wanting to believe the best in someone? His daughter is coming in town for the summer and I have pretty much helped raise her her ENTIRE life (she is 10). But I have told myself (for the first time) that I am not going to see her this time around…I love her, but I feel it is part of what is keeping me trapped. Is that wrong? It is very hard to make this decision, but it’s not healthy to continue to spend time together and if I truly want to move on, I feel I need to get away from everything in his life. Any advice on how to stay strong would be appreciated.
Thanks
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by gingerbread81 
He says I am the only one that has a problem with his drinking and that he is a drunk…that is who he is and that I need to get over it.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
I guess the real question here is how much longer do you want to be emotionally abused?
It's not easy but you have to walk away for your own sanity.
You are worth so much more than that, but until you believe it you will continue the same cycle.
From my personal experience, finding my self-esteem was the hardest when I left my abuser.
You should seek some sort of counseling and support from your close friends and family.
It's not easy but you have to walk away for your own sanity.
You are worth so much more than that, but until you believe it you will continue the same cycle.
From my personal experience, finding my self-esteem was the hardest when I left my abuser.
You should seek some sort of counseling and support from your close friends and family.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
When you finally decide you've had enough. And only you can decide.
I get sucked back in once in awhile (we're divorced, but we share a child), but it was helpful for me to know that the ONLY reason he contacted me was for pity (and, maybe, money). One of the last texts I received from him, he TEXTED that he was blind. That's how desperate he was to get me to respond. I finally saw how ridiculous it is and just went no contact. I'm not wasting another bit of energy on that lying sack.
When I determined that I was getting nothing but high blood pressure from what was left of our acquaintance, I stopped playing. Now, even if he tries to get me with an appeal to speak to our son, I don't go for it. It's all just lies and manipulation.
You'll decide when you've had enough. At least you're not married to him.
I get sucked back in once in awhile (we're divorced, but we share a child), but it was helpful for me to know that the ONLY reason he contacted me was for pity (and, maybe, money). One of the last texts I received from him, he TEXTED that he was blind. That's how desperate he was to get me to respond. I finally saw how ridiculous it is and just went no contact. I'm not wasting another bit of energy on that lying sack.
When I determined that I was getting nothing but high blood pressure from what was left of our acquaintance, I stopped playing. Now, even if he tries to get me with an appeal to speak to our son, I don't go for it. It's all just lies and manipulation.
You'll decide when you've had enough. At least you're not married to him.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Another thing, Gingerbread... you really sound like you've got it going on! You're a definite "catch" for the right guy and you highly deserve someone with some self-respect and who also respects YOU. At 33 years old and after 8 years of his sh!t, it's not if, it's when. And you know "why". And you'll get support here and from Al-Anon, counseling, etc. on the "how".
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I can only say that for me, I had to spend a good deal of time in therapy unraveling the reasons behind why I invested more in the fantasy of a relationship with someone else than the reality of a solid healthy relationship with myself.
You are asking the right questions. Now is the time to start finding the answers. Al-Anon, therapy, whatever it takes. This guy has been showing you for eight years who he is, but you don't seem to believe him.
You are asking the right questions. Now is the time to start finding the answers. Al-Anon, therapy, whatever it takes. This guy has been showing you for eight years who he is, but you don't seem to believe him.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 28
Refiner....you are 100% right. My best friend keeps telling me the same thing. Alcoholism is such a sick and twisted mess.....and he is OK being in that mess. It really sucks accepting that is who he is (a drunk). He's doing what he WANTS.....I actually think Alanon is what I need. I looked up meetings this morning and was planning on making myself go.
Knowthetriggers...finding my self-esteem is going to be a journey...I didn't even realize how low my self esteem has been...maybe I have been in denial too (I must have if I let someone treat me as bad as this guy did).....I am too embarrassed to even tell anyone half of the things he has done to me. Any advice on how to better your self esteem? I am working on changing my thinking....when I think negative thoughts, I try to become aware and change it to something positive...I think this has been helping. I wanted to be loved so bad I was willing to give up my self respect and that is something I need to figure out why....
Thank you both for replying.
Knowthetriggers...finding my self-esteem is going to be a journey...I didn't even realize how low my self esteem has been...maybe I have been in denial too (I must have if I let someone treat me as bad as this guy did).....I am too embarrassed to even tell anyone half of the things he has done to me. Any advice on how to better your self esteem? I am working on changing my thinking....when I think negative thoughts, I try to become aware and change it to something positive...I think this has been helping. I wanted to be loved so bad I was willing to give up my self respect and that is something I need to figure out why....
Thank you both for replying.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The best first step you can take in building a healthy self-esteem is to go No Contact with this man. Block his phone and emails. Choose not to have this destructive force in your life while you work to dig into the reasons you have allowed it there so long.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
Don't for a second think that this comes naturally for me! I had to do some serious work on myself, and encouraged his family to do the same. We all went to Al Anon and they (his family) had some personal counseling as well. None of us had any idea how to deal with an addict; none of knew WE were sick as well; none of us knew how we enabled him.
I have been working 18 months to get to this point. I was in such serious denial, it's painful to think about how low I could go. The support and wisdom from Al Anon and the folks here at SR have been key. Letting go of my need to control others and focus on myself and my recovery has been all I needed to boost my self-esteem.
I have been working 18 months to get to this point. I was in such serious denial, it's painful to think about how low I could go. The support and wisdom from Al Anon and the folks here at SR have been key. Letting go of my need to control others and focus on myself and my recovery has been all I needed to boost my self-esteem.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Ali...I admire you for your strength...I couldn't imagine having a child with this man, it breaks my heart to watch this guy be a bad dad to the kids he has....It's weird...the past few months, I have been really seeing that he is causing me more pain than good feelings. I have been SEEING his manipulation and realizing that he is blaming me for everything that has gone wrong, instead of looking at his own actions. I used to fight with him to defend myself...I see there is no point....maybe I am SLOWLY getting this......
And refiner, thank you very much. I know I don't know you, but it feels good hearing that maybe I am not such a crappy person (like he says I am) and maybe I am a good catch. I have acted in ways that I am not proud of with this man, but I never had bad intentions...I was just trying to figure out how this person that says he loves me so much treats me so bad....Part of why I feel so bad about myself was that sometimes I did react in a crazy way and he sure would point that out to me (even though he acted 1000 times worse). I thought, "No one will want me if I can't control my emotions" (he told me that actually)...At least I am working through this and I appreciate the time you guys take to respond. This site has helped me realize I am not alone and helped me make sense of everything.
And refiner, thank you very much. I know I don't know you, but it feels good hearing that maybe I am not such a crappy person (like he says I am) and maybe I am a good catch. I have acted in ways that I am not proud of with this man, but I never had bad intentions...I was just trying to figure out how this person that says he loves me so much treats me so bad....Part of why I feel so bad about myself was that sometimes I did react in a crazy way and he sure would point that out to me (even though he acted 1000 times worse). I thought, "No one will want me if I can't control my emotions" (he told me that actually)...At least I am working through this and I appreciate the time you guys take to respond. This site has helped me realize I am not alone and helped me make sense of everything.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by gingerbread81
I feel I need to get away from everything in his life.
Get away while you still can!
It doesn't get better, his cycles will just go on and on and on and on until he's got you too crazy to know what's up or down.
He will bring you so low down.
He's showed you who he is and what he will NOT do/be for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Gingerbread: I so can relate to your story. I feel for you!!! I was in a previous relationship with a man that had a gambling addiction and issues with alcohol. We broke up many times..he would say all the things I wanted to hear...we would get back together, but in the end he chose gambling/alcohol over everything else...It took me 12 years to finally say enough..it doesn't sound like it is going to get any better. You have so much to look forward to in your future...nursing school...wow, that is impressive...you are worth so much more...stay strong and I wish you the best
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Thank SadinTx and sorry you have been through a similar situation...
What's funny about school is that it was a last minute decision. I applied for this accelerated BSN program, knowing it would be difficult...and I was accepted and got a full-ride scholarship. The truth is, I didn't even care about being a nurse...I have a good job (I still work) and I didn't know if I could financially do this. As I was applying, I was talking to the school counselor and she asked me about my relationships (support systems during school because this program is pretty difficult and all consuming) and I broke down and cried (how embarrassing) and told her about my horrible on and off relationship.
She told me that this program will make or break a relationship...if it is healthy, we will make it through. She also told me she will be excited to see the person I become after I graduate....That is the reason I went to nursing school....I wanted to challenge myself and have goals....I wanted to see if his guy really loves me enough to stick with me through this challenging time. And guess what, I got my answer...he wasn't there. In fact, he made it more difficult, saying he would be there to cook me dinner (after school and work for 12 hours) and then hes at a bar...not answering the phone....making me feel crazy....
BUT I am almost DONE! I made it through the most difficult part and I finish in August. And I have also learned that I am excited about a nursing career and I can accomplish anything I want. I already have a job lined up and plan on opening a business with a friend soon.
What is crazy, is that despite all these good things, and KNOWING this guy doesn't care and wasn't there for me the 1 time I actually needed him....I still feel stuck. I don't even spend a lot of time with him so I don't get how he has this HOLD on me. It is preventing me from moving on. I am supposed to go out on a date with a nice man this weekend. I was last week, but got scared and told him I was sick...he actually checked on me to make sure I was ok....so I decided that I should give him a try...It's like having a healthy relationship scares the heck out of me....
What's funny about school is that it was a last minute decision. I applied for this accelerated BSN program, knowing it would be difficult...and I was accepted and got a full-ride scholarship. The truth is, I didn't even care about being a nurse...I have a good job (I still work) and I didn't know if I could financially do this. As I was applying, I was talking to the school counselor and she asked me about my relationships (support systems during school because this program is pretty difficult and all consuming) and I broke down and cried (how embarrassing) and told her about my horrible on and off relationship.
She told me that this program will make or break a relationship...if it is healthy, we will make it through. She also told me she will be excited to see the person I become after I graduate....That is the reason I went to nursing school....I wanted to challenge myself and have goals....I wanted to see if his guy really loves me enough to stick with me through this challenging time. And guess what, I got my answer...he wasn't there. In fact, he made it more difficult, saying he would be there to cook me dinner (after school and work for 12 hours) and then hes at a bar...not answering the phone....making me feel crazy....
BUT I am almost DONE! I made it through the most difficult part and I finish in August. And I have also learned that I am excited about a nursing career and I can accomplish anything I want. I already have a job lined up and plan on opening a business with a friend soon.
What is crazy, is that despite all these good things, and KNOWING this guy doesn't care and wasn't there for me the 1 time I actually needed him....I still feel stuck. I don't even spend a lot of time with him so I don't get how he has this HOLD on me. It is preventing me from moving on. I am supposed to go out on a date with a nice man this weekend. I was last week, but got scared and told him I was sick...he actually checked on me to make sure I was ok....so I decided that I should give him a try...It's like having a healthy relationship scares the heck out of me....
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I have broken it off almost completely.
Work on building your self esteem and new career. Work on staying away from the fog.
F = fear
O = obligation
G = quilt
You don't owe him and more of your life. You own yourself better.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
It takes time to find yourself when you have been "lost" for so many years. I would suggest to take all the time you need, this is your life.
My suggestion is like before - find support, do things YOU enjoy, learn to love yourself again.
This is your journey - and it can start today.
I mean seriously, look at what you have to gain - YOUR life back. If it were me I would be running as fast as I can from this situation.
Alanon is a good starting point. I know it saved my sanity.
My suggestion is like before - find support, do things YOU enjoy, learn to love yourself again.
This is your journey - and it can start today.
I mean seriously, look at what you have to gain - YOUR life back. If it were me I would be running as fast as I can from this situation.
Alanon is a good starting point. I know it saved my sanity.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by gingerbread81
Hello all,
I read these posts almost every day. I had a very long relationship with an emotionally abusive, cheating, lying alcoholic and the past year I have broken it off almost completely. He hasn’t lived with me for several years and since last summer; I really haven’t spent much time with him at all. The problem is, is that every few months, he tells me he wants to get sober and he starts going to AA (at least he says he does, but I have no clue). Then about 3 weeks later, he is full force being a hateful alcoholic (when he’s like this we have no contact for a month or so). It’s a stupid cycle and what’s worse is that I BELIEVE HIM every time he says he wants to be sober.
I read these posts almost every day. I had a very long relationship with an emotionally abusive, cheating, lying alcoholic and the past year I have broken it off almost completely. He hasn’t lived with me for several years and since last summer; I really haven’t spent much time with him at all. The problem is, is that every few months, he tells me he wants to get sober and he starts going to AA (at least he says he does, but I have no clue). Then about 3 weeks later, he is full force being a hateful alcoholic (when he’s like this we have no contact for a month or so). It’s a stupid cycle and what’s worse is that I BELIEVE HIM every time he says he wants to be sober.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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You know, I think changing your phone number would be a good idea instead of simply blocking him. It is too tempting to take the block off and then he draws you back in.
When you are ready, make a clean break and realize you truly are a good person who has bettered her life and deserves a loving, caring person who can be a real partner when you start a family.
This guy has been showing you who he is for the past eight years, and an equal partner who loves and respects you is not what he is.
That won't change as long as he is actively drinking, and it just may be who he is even if he stops.
When you are ready, make a clean break and realize you truly are a good person who has bettered her life and deserves a loving, caring person who can be a real partner when you start a family.
This guy has been showing you who he is for the past eight years, and an equal partner who loves and respects you is not what he is.
That won't change as long as he is actively drinking, and it just may be who he is even if he stops.
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