knowthetriggers

Killer - I am certain this is a very emotional time for you.

Now would be a good time to try and let go of these feelings, seek help and find yourself again.

You child needs you more than ever now.

Tight hugs to you!

LexieCat

Yes, I'm very confused, myself. You've been posting for months about your rage toward this man, then you are heartbroken he might not get visitation unless he receives a mental health evaluation, and now you are elated that he is getting supervised visitation and envisioning some bright future (with him??).

I understand wanting him well so he can be a father to his son, but right now his feet are to the fire, and the fact that he's making a show of commitment isn't something I'd put a whole lot of stock in. Very few people in this world have a true epiphany that brings about lasting change. I'd keep my expectations VERY low under these circumstances.

Refiner

KI -- are you in some type of therapy that will help you heal from the abuse? You really are all over the place. I wish you well but am concerned for your child and the mixed messages.

atalose

It sounds like these supervised visits are your hook into him. Is that why you are elated they are happening? Is this how you can maintain contact with him by using your child and visits?

Guess we are all confused reading your posts with all the mixed messages.

ladyscribbler

Hey KI. Hope you're doing OK. I remember how stressed out you were about these court proceedings a few weeks ago.
I think I still hold out some hope (however slim) that my ex will get his act together for our son's sake. Part of me feels guilty for making such a terrible choice in the father of my youngest son, so maybe the hope is my mind's way of easing that guilt.
Looking at things logically, I have to admit that he has done everything in his power NOT to take responsibility for his actions, not to step up and be a father, not to make choices that would allow him to have a good relationship with our son. Even now, during a custody battle, his focus is on getting back at me for leaving and trying to prove that he's not an alcoholic, not on our son's wellbeing.
Letting go of those hopes and seeing them as the fantasy that they really are, taking responsibility for my own poor choices and doing the work on myself to make sure I don't keep making the same mistakes has helped me to overcome my desire for that perfect fantasy life because my real life is now rich and full.
Take care KI. Hugs to you and your precious little one.

hopeful4

KI, I think I understand a bit. There was fear of what was going to happen in court, and now the visitations will be supervised, which is a relief. I think no matter how awful a marriage was, it's sad to see the wreckage that a person does to themselves.

I too hope you are getting help from this abusive relationship. While it's not healthy to hang on to it all, please don't let your heart strings get pulled by this man who has hurt you so much.

We are here for you. Sending you lots of love and many hugs!

AnvilheadII

i thought you had a protection order AGAINST this man....now you are ELATED that he will be around your child? i truly suspect that all along you just wanted him back and went to great lengths to try and make that happen........and sadly i dont' think this is going to be your happily ever after....

redatlanta

I'm also shocked that you are happy he got supervised visits. I can't understand how this is a good thing.

killerinstinct

Firstly starting in SR I get told off on SR for being unfair and saying my son deserves to see his father, then I get told to protect myself because of the reality of the situation and get out of the mess, then I am told its what's in the best interest of the child, then I am happy that finally there is some resolve by the courts and your all telling me I am confused!!!!! How dare you tell my I am confused!! Dealing with an addict is confusing!!! Jesus Christ stop being so judgemental read all my posts and then comment.

killerinstinct

I do have an order he still has to have a test and I won't be supervising the visits that's done by a third party!!!! He won't get to see me!

happybeingme

Killer-speaking only for myself I have gone back and read some of your prior posts. I just don't understand after being separated for two years you are still expending energy on this man. He has abused you and it appears he has abandoned you and your son as well. Why would you want him anywhere near your baby?

Having a child isn't going to magically make him better. He isn't going to change his ways and be a family man now. The best thing for you and that baby is your recovery and a healthy male role model for him. That role model can be a grandfather, cousin, uncle, friend. Just not your ex.

killerinstinct

I don't want him near my son he has been fighting me in court though and claims he has a legal right to fight it.. What can I do either way I am ****** either way he's never going to leave me alone via the legal System or he's going to stalk me.. I have no choice .. The reason why I was grateful was because I thought finally resolve for everyone finally maybe he really wants to see his kid because he's fighting it.. Finally there's movement in the situation that "Appears" to be positive but I don't know how alcoholics are in these situations but normal people are overjoyed when they have resolve you know.. And I thought yay a bit of resolve .. But from the sound of what I am hearing now it's not going to happen

maybear

I get what you mean - it is good to be at the end of the court case and have some kind of result. I hope that he does take a keen interest in building a relationship with his son but of course, safety comes first. For you and your son. I don't know the history with you guys, but it sounds like he is pretty abusive and therefore the supervised visits are a good idea.
I guess, though, it's no guarantee that he will think, act and do better. I wouldn't expect anything different or good of him just because your court case is over.
Just continue putting you and your son first. If you keep doing that, you won't have a lot to be confused about. Just keep it as simple as what is best for you and your son.

killerinstinct

Thanks and at least this way now it's exposed the whole situation is exposed the courts are controlling the supervised visits (if and when they become official) now if he stuffs up its no longer my problem do you get what I mean.. It becomes his problem with the court if he messes it up

redatlanta

I feel like having him around is abusing myself. I just don't feel comfortable, I don't trust him with my child, I don't trust him, he's become a stranger to me.

We did have a plan in place by the courts and he broke it within the first week so the judge said it's not my problem anymore, that was 6 months ago.. and I still let him see him after that. He's very abusive and has pushed my son before when drunk.. I

I have spoken to legal experts, we had a plan in place which he broke within the first week ..

Having sent my summery/statement of my relationship with my ex alcoholic/narcissistic/husband to my lawyer I've just been told by him that my case of abuse is by far the worst he has ever seen.. And that my ex is incredibly dangerous. That I need police protection and my son should be protected from him and never see him again.

This has been a nightmare ... I want it to end I want him to leave me and my son alone and just **** off.

These ^^^ are but a few of your words regarding your XAH. The surprise for the posters that mention it is not about getting resolve from the Courts, rather the subject of your thread stating that you feel bad for him and were hoping for supervised visits. This is completely contradictory to what you have written about him over the past year. You were also elated that he got supervised visits which is also odd considering his level of abuse was such that you and your son were placed in protective custody.

I am glad the Court Drama has ended and hope that you are at peace as far as all that is concerned. I am aware you have sustained a tremendous amount of abuse and PTSD from this relationship, and am hopeful that with this behind you healing can progress in healing. I certainly hope he is a changed person as far as being a parent, but if it were me I wouldn't put one egg in that basket.

Sunsun

Thinking of you, going to court is a scary experience, specially when it involves our children. I get it, you are doing what you think is best. I don't know what the law is like where you are, but in the UK fathers have Parental Responsibility which gives them certain rights in law. It means that as mothers the onus is on us to prove that a child may need protection. We hope that the courts will give us legal protection...it works if the other parents understands their duty and responsibility toward their child.
My ex husband (not an A but a full on narcissisist) has breached court orders for 10 years, no legally binding agreement works in my case, but I continue to fight for what is best for my kids 10 years on. He's a dead beat dad...
We do what we think is best...only time tells how it turns out.

LexieCat

Killer, my impression was that you were going to court over his abuse of you. What happened with that? Did you get a protective order? Does the order require him to have no contact with you? I'm not just talking about the visitation arrangements--I'm talking about in general, is he barred from having contact with you?

I know going to court was stressful, and I completely get your relief at that part of it being over with for the time being. The thing is, with abusive men, especially when you have children together, it's never REALLY over. This scenario could play out over and over. It's awful, but it's pretty much reality in these situations.

I hope you will work on building yourself a good, solid support network to keep you going through all of this.

Hugs,

Sunsun

You are right...abusers consider themselves above the law. The element of CONTROL means that often what you think you're going to court about, is another opportunity for the abuser to use smoke and mirrors, lies and manipulation to bully and influence your and your children's life.

In my experience, my xh swears under oath, agrees to orders, to get the kick of breaching orders and undertakings and upsetting me. He doesn't pay for his kids, a surefire way of putting me back in an arena where he can watch me squirm.

He knows how the system works and uses it to his advantage. He also knows how to inflict maximum damage on me - it's a game to him.

After 10 years of horror I have learnt to bide my time, never react, stop feeling - start thinking.

killerinstinct

Thanks all, there are three different orders ones for me and my son to be protected that's done and dealt with - he can't come near me anymore or my son unless the court overrides that and it has only in the supervised visitation by a third party getting involved otherwise i am still protected and my son too. If he mucks up with supervised visits he's doesn't have a leg to stand on. Second order is that I get full custody - that's still pending. Third order is that he gets drug tested monthly and has a psychological examination which will override the supervised visits if he is proven to be at risk to my son. So if he passes this with flying colours and is in a better place now than when he was in rehab then he will get supervised visits if he doesn't then the supervised visits will be pulled back into perspective for the judge to look into. So he won't even get to see his son until he passes the two main examines anyway.. And if he does then that means he's getting better.. But who knows what he can and will fake and whether he's being genuine or not.. Really I don't know how this stuff turns out usually

happybeingme

Wow. He is scary. I hope you understand though this behavior of his is not alcoholism. He is abusive. That is a whole different monster.

I hope for your sons sake he doesn't follow through.