Butterfly

I don't know what it is or why but I am spiralling and I can feel myself becoming lower and more isolated, because I think my friends are getting fed up with me actually everyone is as I shouldn't be feeling like this at this stage!!!!

I have no interest in anything and I'm walking about in a daze and believe everyone is better off without me. My negative thoughts about myself and why my marriage ended are back with a vengeance and I'm back to blaming myself. I am so close some days to going off work sick but I keep forcing myself to get up and go in, but my work is falling behind.

My friend was speaking to stbxah last week and she said he's looking great, lost loads of weight and he told her he's hardly drinking but then threw in still drinks at the weekend as an after thought. He told her he didn't mean to hurt me but it's for the best! I immediately thought see he left because of me and used his drinking as an excuse he off it now and only threw in still drinks at the weekend as he knew she would tell me. I know I shouldn't listen to what he tells others and I have told her many times to not tell me anything but it was my own fault I was curious when she said she was talking to him.

My focus is constantly on him again, why and how and I feel so hurt by his actions. I was doing so well, feeling strong and now I'm falling apart again. I seem to be getting worse since he initiated the divorce proceedings!! It doesn't help that my last session with my counsellor was at the start of March, as she was leaving. It was supposed to be a smooth transition to a new counsellor but they didn't have anyone to take over. I spoke to the manager who assured me she would have someone quickly and would contact me within a fortnight to check in with me, I haven't heard from her. I've left messages but no response. Then I think I drove the other counsellor to stop working with me and now they don't want to give me another one, completely paranoid!!

I've a Drs appointment but it's at the end of April, couldn't get one sooner. I wish I could just get over this and think stuff him and how he's treated me, someone who can treat me that way doesn't deserve me, but I can't!!

Thank you for reading

Butterfly

I am going to alanon but think this may also be what's keeping my focus on him as I'm dealing with my feelings their as are a lot of others

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Try to remember that it doesn't matter why he left--he left, it was his choice, and not your fault. Sending much love and healing thoughts your way. xo

SparkleKitty

Butterfly where is this rulebook that says you "should" be feeling this or that by this time? What terrible thing would happen if you just tried honoring your feelings exactly as they are without judgment, shame, or beating yourself up about them? Is it possible you still feel sad because you won't just allow yourself to feel sad? Because you tell yourself you have to keep up appearances for other people?

Duckygirl1

It is truly a roller coaster my dear. You must re wire your negative thoughts immediately. First step is to not let in news about the ex. Curiosity is killing you kitty. For me it was particularly galling to hear how well my ex was doing and how happy he was with the new girl and the bright shiny time he had with her at Easter dinner with his whole family! I worked on Easter, saw my daughter for 2 seconds then went home to emptiness. It's not easy. But it was the dwelling on it that made it worse. The mind can be like a hurricane that appears out of nowhere and we just get swept away in it. Self talk out loud if you have to. Keep telling yourself. "None of this was my fault" "I deserve love and peace" "i am worthy of respect". No one is sick of you and the counsellors are probably very loaded up with cases. Your day will come when it needs to and there will be brighter days ahead! (((Hugs)))

Seren

There are no timetables on grief, Butterfly

I hope you will make every effort to see your doctor sooner. It sounds as though you may be suffering from depression, and you deserve to be happy again.

Sending many hugs!

knowthetriggers

God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you.......Don't run after them!

Just saying

((Hugs))

NYCDoglvr

Butterfly, have you visited a therapist or doctor? It sounds like you could use some impartial help during what is of course a painful period. I also recommend getting out of your home as much as possible: we can't think our way out of depression, it takes action. Fast walking really helped me.

DoubleDragons

A slogan that I learned here at SR has helped me immensely: Never look at others' outsides with your insides. Why is it that we are feeling down and out that we assume everyone else is in Happytown? Also, another one: Comparison is the thief of happiness.

A tiger doesn't change their stripes, Butterfly. All of your DH's negative traits, habits and insecurities still remain. Years and years ago, when I was suffering from a break-up, I read that you have to force yourself to think and feel about all of the negative events and traits that lead to your break-up. Get yourself into a frothy anger. Our human nature has a tendency to romanticize instead of focusing on reality. Hence, the funeral of an a-hole who all of the sudden becomes a saint to everyone.

Sending love and prayers ~~~~~~~~~~~~

cookiesncream

I'm going to be harsh here but if I am reading between the lines correctly and you are feeling suicidal then call a crisis hotline and GET HELP! Go to your local emergency room if that is your only option. If you're already on antidepressants tell your doctor you need your meds changed and don't wait. If you are clinically depressed you can't move through the muck which is rebuilding your life.

love4menotu

Hi butterfly ..I just want to let you know that I went through something very similar where I was doing better and then back slid around the holidays. I was seeing a therapist at the time and she could not understand why all of a sudden I was back to a crippling depression. I ended up taking two weeks off of work and going into an outpatient program for depression at the local hospital. they increased my medication levels to twice the level I was taking and in two weeks I felt normal.. well as normal as you can get under those circumstances. it's almost impossible to work through these issues when you're dealing with major depression.

Take action quickly before this gets worse and keep in mind that you will feel better very soon.

LexieCat

Butterfly, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I can tell, after "knowing" you from this forum (it's surprising how well we do get to know each other), that you are a bright, kind, loving woman. You are excessively hard on yourself, though.

None of us is perfect. You are ALLOWED to be imperfect (as I was reminded by my boss today after I realized I had made a very dumb mistake at work that caused me great embarrassment). Imperfection doesn't mean you aren't good, or worthy of happiness. What he thinks, in his warped alcoholic brain, is not a reflection on YOU, or who YOU are. YOU are a good person.

Acceptance, acceptance. I think you know this one, but let me post it again: And it is perfectly true. It's your resistance to reality that is causing you all this pain. I'm not saying it should be easy or that it should come naturally. It's something worth working for, though, because it is the one thing that can give you peace.

Many hugs,

fluffyflea

Maybe anti depressants for awhile?

freetosmile

Butterfly,

Please be gentle with yourself. As Seren said, there is no time table this stuff.

OTOH, I would agree that maybe an anti depressant could possibly be in order. I just started on one myself and have been in it for a while with a noticeable difference.

Girlie, if the world has just become gray to you, with no color, no enthusiasm, no interest in things you once enjoyed, then you could be chemically unbalanced. If you can't muster up the enthusiasm for daily activities and are continuing to have a negative self view, how do you expect to get over this man? First things first... And that's YOU!!

I love you girlie. We are going to get through this. One step at a time.

Hugs hugs and more hugs

freetosmile

And ONE more thing-

please view your profile picture- it speaks volumes.

Seedpod

Of course you are wanted. I have silently followed your story for awhile now and you have no idea what a mirror you have been for me. I thank you for all the raw honesty that you pour out on these pages.

Any news sends me spiraling as well, so I steadfastly avoid it. Please remember as well that what he told your friend is what he wants YOU to hear, and of course he is going to come across as if all is sunshine and roses. He is still drinking, that's all you need to know.

Flavia2

First of all, it shows what a strong, capable person you are by being able to get yourself up and out to work everyday.

Please, call the doctor's office and tell them you need to be seen today. That it's an emergency and you really are not feeling well. Doctors build emergencies into their schedule when necessary.

I got myself through each day when things were bad by telling myself I was going to do three things that day. It might have only been shower, take the trash out, pick the kids up from school.

BuffaloGal

Aww Butterfly... lots of hugs. You've already heard lots of comments about treating depression, so I won' t go there. But keep in mind: things do not stay the same. Life always changes.

8 years ago I was in a similar place as you, and it was a bad spot. My soon to be ex husband had a new gf, one totally unlike me, and a whole new social circle from his relationship with her. He highlighted his hair, for crying out loud. I had a drafty dilapidated house, a low paying job, and no close friends, and I was in terrible pain from grief. Today my ex has a job he hates, a troubled marriage to the same gf, and apparently chronic depression. I have a new career, I sold the house for a nice profit, and I made a group of awesome friends. My life isn' t perfect, but I'm happy with it. It got better. And now I believe in my ability to overcome the hard times. That's priceless.

So be gentle with yourself and remember NOW is not how things will always be.

-BG

Butterfly

Thank you everyone I can't even think straight to respond to everyone's posts but wanted you all to know how grateful I am for your posts.

redatlanta

Butterfly I am so sorry you are feeling so down.

Is there any possibility of calling the doctors office and explaining that you need to be seen sooner?