fallingshort

I hope this doesn't turn into rambling, but if it does, I apologze. I posted here a few weeks ago after AH went to rehab. I have been reading Codependent No More as suggested by members on here and between staying busy either working or reading the book, I have been lurking around here as I haven't had much to say, really.
I was reading on another post and someone brought up that a partner will always come second to the addiction. This kind of hit a nerve. I know it's true. I've never known my husband to be sober and I've always known and brought up to him many times that if it came down to me or his beer, he would choose beer every time. When he told me he wanted treatment, I was floored. He told me he didn't want to keep living in this hell, he wanted to be sober for us. We hadn't been fighting over his alcoholism like we had in the past, so I was shocked, he was choosing me over beer.
He is coming home next week. I'm trying to get through the Codependent No More book before he comes home. The book so far has been very enlightening. I'm realizing I've always been codependent. This is just the first relationship I've been in with an addict. I know part of codependency is over-worrying, I'm so good at that...And now I'm worrying about what will happen when he comes home. I think my main concern is that everything he is saying to me when we talk on the phone is just a result of the euphoria he is experiencing from all of his self-actualization in rehab. Will he come home and realize I'm not actually better than the beer? Everyone he's in treatment with tells him (or so he tells me) that he's lucky to have someone at home who is also seeking treatment and who is so supportive of him. I guess I just feel like when I think I'm doing the right thing, it blows up in my face 😕

Thanks for listening if you read this far, I know everything is jumbled, I just feel so....worried

Clee0308

Hi falling short, I too was in the same place as you. My circumstance is very very similar. I just wanted to tell you take it day by day...hour by hour.... My husband has been home for 7 months. We work through it together every day...I too am a worrier but am learning to let it go.... I wish you all the best

Mountainmanbob

Many succeed after release from treatment.

Hope in this for yourself I would not call false hope.

MM

CodeJob

You are absolutely OK right where you are. Work on finishing the book. It will make you aware of your behaviors. Awareness is the first step in eventually pruning some of them from your life.

As for how to stop future tripping. I initially truncated a lot of worrying with the serenity prayer, writing it out, and learning to let go. I like The daily reader The Language of Letting Go the best and Hineypig posts it here daily.

My tag line used to be "Worrying is like praying for what you don't want." It takes time to learn to flip your focus to a more positive bent.

Peace!

LexieCat

Are you going to Al-Anon? That can be EXTREMELY helpful in keeping you focused on YOU and YOUR life rather than micromanaging his recovery.

Incidentally, he can be working an awesome program and be well on the road to recovery, and still be difficult to live with. It doesn't necessarily signal a relapse if he gets a little crazy now and then. Early sobriety is HARD. There were days I wanted to put a stamp on my first husband and ship him away, but he has remained sober for 35 years without a slip. We eventually divorced for other reasons, but are still good friends. So that's by way of suggesting that you keep your expectations low, but you can have hope.

fallingshort

Thank y'all for the encouraging words. It means a lot. I was also considering reading The Language of Letting Go, so thank you for the suggestion. I'm trying to focus on the positives here and not drown in my self-doubt, but it's day by day. I'm thankful for this community and how encourage everyone is ☺

fallingshort

LexieCat, I haven't made up my mind regarding Al-Anon. While I believe it can really help, I have social anxieties that make it really hard for me to take the first step, especially by myself since my first reaction is to drag my husband along. I am trying to focus on educating myself first (it helps me sort through everything and see it clearer), so I'm not saying it's not an option, it's just I'm still trying to navigate what is best for me. And thank you for the encouragement. He sounds so good right now. He's not making it sound like everything will be perfect when he gets home, he's acknowledging that he has to work to get me to fully trust him again. I feel like he's saying all the right things. I don't know what to expect since I've never experienced this before and I guess my gut reaction is to doubt and worry about the unknown rather than embrace it.

knowthetriggers

Hi Fallingshort. Sorry you are feeling this way. I have to say that I agree with the statement above, only because I have heard this before. When my AH was in his first round of rehab his counselor told him the same thing about me.

My suggestion is to be cautious and remember - do not stop working on YOU!

(((hugs)))

LexieCat

Well, in terms of social anxieties, it might help to know that you don't have to say a thing at your first meeting (or at any meeting, for that matter). It's perfectly acceptable for anyone to just smile (or not smile) and say, "I'm just here to listen today." Meetings usually have some readings, and then maybe a topic will be chosen and people either raise their hand or sharing just goes around the room. People sometimes cry or get emotional, sometimes there is a lot of laughter. One of the things that often happens in alcoholic relationships is isolation, and going to meetings can be a great way of reminding us there's a whole world out there with people we can rely on besides the alcoholic. I made some great friends in Al-Anon. Just don't take it off the table entirely.

Hugs,

fallingshort

Thank y'all for the kind words and encouragement! Lexiecat, Al-Anon is definitely not off the table for me. I'm willing to try it and see its benefits for myself. As for an update on my mental state, AH called today, one week before he is supposed to come home, and told me that he is looking forward to living a life without alcohol. He has no fantasies about any part of his recovery being easy, but he says he's ready to face the challanges. He has tried AA and doesn't feel like it is right for him, but he has already made an appointment to meet with a psychiatrist within a few days of him being home and he plans to go to SMART meetings (has anyone heard of these?), so honestly I feel like all I can do now is relax for now. He's making the plans, the appointments, everything. He is supportive of my recovery and encouraging me to find my voice in my life and have more self-confidence. For now, I'm feeling good. Thank y'all for listening ☺

LexieCat

I know people who have had great success with SMART. I like AA better, but it depends on the individual. AA has been known to work for some alcoholics when nothing else did, but I don't see any harm in the SMART approach if it works for him. A lot will depend on his honesty, willingness, and commitment, regardless of what form his recovery program takes.

Mountainmanbob

psychiatrist usually want to prescribe
I would be careful

BlueChair

Hi Fallingshort,

It looks to me like your husband is doing well. Mine went to rehab a while back, he never joined AA or any support groups after this. His rehab was all about behavioral therapies and his follow up was counseling with an addiction doctor from the rehab. I think working with a psychologist or psychiatrist is good, medication if prescribed can be very helpful. My husband was started on antidepressants for example. There are also some medications that work well in treating alcoholism especially when combined with proper counseling.

YES! I know some about SMART recovery and Id encourage you to sample their program for family members. And its a great option for your husband I think. I couldnt find a connection myself with alanon but I used counseling, and from here at SR I discovered Smart and the CRAFT program for families. Its for you and your needs but also promotes collaboration with our spouses, good communication, staying engaged in healthy ways, very family centered I think, and its helped me in so many ways. I was worried, especially of relapse, and we had so many issues to work through too. The early days are scary when someone comes home, or it was for me at least. But time heals and it can be a positive journey for both of you.

I would highly suggest this book: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, A guide for families by Dr Foote PhD. Its a great book on the CRAFT approach, and explains a lot about addiction too. We also have a book review going on over at the secular family forum.

I hope things go well for both of you

fallingshort

I understand the psychiatrist opens the door for pushing meds, but I feel like they are doing that enough at rehab. They currently have him on blood pressure meds (which does concern me a little, but he is going to see his doctor when he comes home for close monitoring), anxiety meds, and sleeping pills. They have tried putting him on antidepressants, but he refused. He's had bad experiences with them and has no desire for mood altering meds. (SIDENOTE: I am not knocking on antidepressants, I was on them for 7 years and ended up having not so wonderful side effects. AH has tried the before and it only made him faint, so in this household, we try for alternatives to meds like that.) He wants to go to the psychiatrist to deal more with his inner demons that he tried drowning with the beer, so I'm hopeful this will continue to help. He's also discovered how much he really likes meditation and yoga, so I think these are things we can do together.
I will look into SMART and CRAFT for families and the book. I really love to do my research and educate myself, so I appreciate the suggestions. If I go to support meetings, I'll probably start with Al-Anon since the closest SMART meeting is an hour away, but it's always good to know there are so many options for family as well.