redatlanta

Heaven? Really?

Occupation?

I'm sorry Katchie. But I am so glad for iMessage.

Thumper

Well. Here is what I'd do if it were me. I'd talk with the kids so they have a plan on what to do if he is impaired at any time they are with him. If he shows up intoxicated I wouldn't let the kids go. If he gets intoxicated while they are away, the kids will have a plan.

All the rest of it is his and I'd stay away from it and let it go. For my own peace of mind I'd quit reading his messages.

Thinking of you. These are difficult times and please know there is a light at the other end of the tunnel.

Katchie

Im not so much upset about Heaven as much as I'm upset that I hoped I was divorcing the effects of alcoholism along with my husband. What was I thinking...such pie in the sky! I just so wanted to never deal with the crap of this disease ever again; to rid myself of alcoholism. But I now see it is not possible so long as I have children with him. I know my contact with him will diminish and as my kids move out of the nest it will get better, but I've hit with the realization that it will always effect my sons therefore me in some way. That makes me so upset because I want it gone from my life FOREVER, thus the divorce.
It will be ok. I know.

Refiner

Katchie and may I gently say... It's ppl like him who giv Christianity a bad name. They go to church. They lead bible studies, leAd children's programs etc etc. Heck, many of them are in leadership positions. I am intuitive enough to see thru many of them and their heart motives but that took years. As a young adult I was totally sucked in to their lies. No one is perfect and we ALL have struggles but if/when you hide behind your religion (as I believe he does), that's NOT OK. A Godly man hiding his addictions and ineptness from his family while using the cloak of Godliness while getting it on with a stripper named HEAVEN at a stripper bar? And this is the "father" of your children? Come on! Perhaps this is the perfect storm for a family intervention at EASTER. Just sayin'.

LexieCat

I think I'm with Thumper, here, I'd get the iPhone disconnected from the computer.

When my last ex left (I kicked him out), he still had an email address on my ISP's email server. Since the account belonged to me, I could read it. When I read his email exchanges with some other woman (I honestly don't believe he ever cheated on me--I could never get him out of the house, and I had told him a while ago I wanted out of the relationship), I emailed her and told her what a liar he was. There was no reason for me to do that, it was just anger and pettiness on my part. Still, it made me feel creepy and I told him to save whatever mail he wanted and that I was closing the account in a few days. Which I did.

I know you aren't jumping in and communicating with her (for which I admire your restraint!), but I really think you'd have more peace of mind if you weren't reading that stuff. You already knew he was likely to drink again, and this doesn't really give you important information needed to protect your older-teenaged kids. It most likely won't do you any good in the divorce, either, because nothing he's doing will hurt him or help you in the divorce.

Just my thoughts.

cookiesncream

Oh HEAVEN I agree with you Lexie:-) I'm sorry sorry sorry but that name is just sooooo fitting. Heaven only knows what he does with her. Bet the NSA is having a field day reading those e-mails btw.

I'm sorry to be flippant. I really do agree with Lexie though that you are showing admirable restraint and I'd be turning that phone OFF at night. Get yourself a separate pay as you go phone, let immediate family know how to reach you on that number at night. Get some sleep and prepare to take him to the cleaners in that divorce. I hope your lawyer is a SHARK. He deserves whatever is coming his way and more.

Lirio

Katchie, I admire your resolve and strength! I agree with posters above. The most important thing is to make sure your kids are safe. The rest can go for now! Not worth your sanity.

guava

Yes! Me too! I think I was so wrapped up in the idea of raising my son in a home free of drunken nonsense, envisioning a clean break, practicing detachment, etc. that I failed to realize that divorce doesn't necessarily put an end to the alcoholic insanity when there are kids involved. As you are all too aware you can't go no contact with your kids' father. You can't block him and you can't turn a blind eye about whether he's drinking again. It sucks.

No great words of wisdom here but I do think spending a good portion of their lives in a loving, safe, addiction free home is going to make a world of difference in their lives. Hang in there-it's rumored that all this stuff gets better with time. (((Hugs)))

Duckygirl1

Stripper name. I've known a few.

redatlanta

If it were me under the circumstances of impending divorce I would not disconnect it. That is unless its driving you nuts.

Don't know for sure whether he is drinking again but probability very high. Your husband is master liar. As I recall I think you also have some issues with him with failure to file tax returns. You might be able to track whether or not he is drinking with the children and even though you say he straightens up a flies right when he needs to that was when there was an effort to try and reconcile with you. I seem to recall he showed up at a game trashed once. Too often we see here that once the axe has fallen the A's lose it. I also see the Courts defer too often to the alcoholic because there isn't substantial evidence to limit custody. He could very well flag wave his recent stay at rehab, and not be mandated to submit to a breathalyzer.

Actually, I recommend you contact the attorney you have spoken with and get his advice on this. State laws vary - it could be something that would be inadmissible, or maybe not. In my state having an affair can affect alimony and custody especially if it can be proven that money was being spent on the affair. Straight up, its not easily won with exception of proof of payment to prostitutes or strippers, or proof of substantial money going into the affair. For me I would be more interested in determining if he was drinking around the kids or finding out what he has done with $$.

Katchie

Redatlanta...Yeah, I have no intention of taking him off iMessages until our divorce is final. It isn't bothering me; remember, I prayed he would cheat to give me a reason to divorce! lol...soo very silly! But on a serious note, I'm keeping a log in the event my lawyer needs it. I have put a call into my lawyer and should hear from him today. From early meetings with my lawyer, apparently the courts really frown on adultery and alcoholism among other things.

I can't imagine he isn't drinking again. On other messages to friends that are trying to help him, he is bold faced lying to them right now. For instance, the guy that got him to go to the Catholic retreat for men was trying to remind him of the group meeting last night. My AH told this guy that he was leaving for his mothers house and wouldn't be back until Sunday night. What a lie! He isn't leaving until Friday, but this is so he can go see this other woman and I suspect drink.

I was at my cousins house last night...she so sweetly made me dinner with the most wonderful German chocolate cake and invited a mutual friend :-)...But she said her husband invited him to a bible study he started during the week apart from the Saturday study, but my AH told him he had another meeting..yes, he did, with the stripper at a bar.

So, I see lies piling up. I do not see a good result/end for him, but I'm totally detached/indifferent to it w/exception of whether his drinking will be dangerous to my sons. I'll figure something out. I don't want to rock the boat too much while he is still wanting to give me everything and is still kind to me the few times I do talk to him briefly.
I'll have to be sneakily wily and talk to my lawyer.

FireSprite

((((hugs))))) Katchie, even if you were prepared for this possibility & have been detaching from your marriage this still has to hurt on some level. I'd be hurt to find the evidence even if I knew it was happening.

Initially I was also of the thought that stopping the link to his messages would be the good Recovering Codie thing to do - it's generally never a good idea to be tangled up like this.

However, you didn't go looking for this & he's the one that insisted on linking the accounts DESPITE your honest & fair warning about this EXACT issue.

I can only speak for myself, but when these kinds of situations made themselves known to me so blatantly it was something I needed to pay attention to. It's when I go snooping on my own, looking for problems, that I'm acting Codie. That becomes behavior that is hard to stop & that erodes me from the inside..... but managing information that falls into my lap is different.

I feel like he's been given yards & yards of rope & he is slowly hanging himself. He's backing himself into a corner with his lies & games. The thing that's going to trip him up is that he STILL doesn't take recovery seriously & doesn't realize that his addiction is ramping up.... NOT down. He thinks he has complete control & doesn't see himself slipping & by the time he does his physical dependence may grow to a surprising level.

You're a good mama Katch, I know you are worried solely for your boys right now but don't forget about YOU. Have you planned good self-care time for yourself while they are away?

Document, document, document. Use this in whatever way your lawyer advises, to ensure the best possible outcome for your divorce. When you first started posting on SR weren't you asking questions about him spending large chunks of cash at a fast pace? If I'm right - it makes me wonder if it's connected to this & how long this has been going on.

Thumper

I'm not sure if proving that he drinks when he's not with your boys, or that he lies to his friends, or that he takes on a dubious girlfriend well after a separation, is going to make a bit of difference in a divorce outcome. If you think you can catch him hiding money that might be another matter. I guess I'm not following that reading all those messages is doing any good and getting a blow by blow of all his personal activities on a regular basis isn't moving you further in your own personal goals of being done with the all the soul crushing drama. Your lawyer might have a different take of course and I know nothing of the law.

He linked the account. It isn't that I think you are bad for reading the messages but when I read through the thread it feels so heavy, like being stuck in the mire when you don't have to be.

hopeful4

Just sending you lotsa love today Katchie! I too had the pie in the sky feeling that I would be divorcing alcoholism. Nope. I have accepted that just like I accepted that my marriage was over. It just took a bit of time.

XXX

LexieCat

Yeah, I don't see that it is likely to help at all in the divorce proceedings. Most are no-fault, and his being a scumbag or a cheat usually wouldn't get you anything you wouldn't get if he were citizen/husband of the year. But your lawyer should advise you on that one. I don't know the law in your jurisdiction, but I'd be curious to know how it could help.

firebolt

You sound like Atlas - carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders WITH EASE!

So happy for you, so excited for you, so proud of you! You are a rock!

This all is A LOT...i want to echo the general sentiment here to take care of yourself! I worry that when the dust clears, all the "stuff" you would be feeling right now if you weren't in warrior mode will come crashing in on ya. I know you'll deal with it like a phoenix, but I hope you lay the groundwork by getting some space for yourself, having some peace with church, meditation, yoga, sleep well, eat right, confide in friends....all that. You deserve the world and more Katchie!!

Best to you and the kiddos.

Refiner

Katchie, when my first husband and I split, he felt SOOOO guilty he told me he would just give me the house and we had a VERY amicable divorce. Well, he sure changed his mind when the stuff was needing signed over. Those dollar signs in his eyes got in the way of his heart strings. I'm guessing your husband has not contacted a lawyer yet? I would keep moving swiftly with your resolve before he's called out on his little Charade of a life and gets busted (lies, drinking, strippers, etc.). Me thinks it will no longer be Mr. Nice Guy to anyone at that point his cat's out of the bag.

FireSprite

Just to clarify - I don't think anything in his messages is useful at this point. But it's likely "more will be revealed", right? No telling what else may come out of the woodwork.

Katchie

I use to hate that saying because I didn't understand it...well now I do! And its so darn true!

My lawyer said that cheating does nothing to affect the divorce, however, knowing that he has been to rehab and is now going to bars again will/could be important down the road. I'm to keep a lid on it right now, which is what I've been doing. Don't want to show my hand.

Someone above said that I may be in warrior mode and not feeling right now..this may be true. I will deal with the emotion should it ever come.

I did spend a great evening last night with my cousin and a mutual close friend. I told them EVERYTHING. You should have seen their eyes..lol
It felt good to be open and honest with them for the first time. It was therapeutic.

I may have some moments coming, but I'm ok right now and I know I will be down the road too. I wish this could all go away as quickly as possible...such wishful thinking.