daydreamer0217

My XAB and I do not live in the same town. Before we had broken up in Feb. He knew I was coming to town in March. We have been civil to each other via text and he has even called a couple of times, he seems to really want to be friends. He knew I was in town and has been calling every day, and texting every day that he wants to see me.

I am not near ready for a face to face after our break up. I have set boundaries, which is new for me, that I have to go at my pace. so the talking and texting here and there has really helped me to soften my anger. He genuinely seemed better. Talking a lot about God and church and meetings and he even told me that he was approached about working with the youth at his church. I have been very impressed with his work. I know we will never be a couple again, but maybe we can work through this friend thing, we have known each other almost 40 years.

But someone from here told me " test an alcoholic, tell him no, and see how recovered he is"

well, he keeps asking me to go out with him for dinner, and I keep saying no. So on Thurs. I made it very clear that I am not ready yet. and he said he understood. But he is now giving me the silent treatment and reverting back to his old ways of punishing me by not answering my texts, which in the past would have been crazy. I sent him 1 text on friday and one yesterday and I left a vmail last night. he is punishing me for saying no. For not doing things on his terms.

I am sad he is being like this, but I am firm on my boundaries. I am not ready. even if that means he walks away for good. I won't let him manipulate me into getting what he wants.

thanks all

Duckygirl1

The proof of the pudding is in the eating as they say. The saying no test really is solid. Seems like he has a long way to go, but you've come a long way!! Well done standing ur ground!

LexieCat

Maybe you're right, and he's punishing you. OTOH, maybe he's made his OWN boundary--that if you don't feel ready to meet him for dinner he is going to stop with the texts and chats on the phone.

Give it some time and space. If you're meant to be friends, sooner or later you'll reconnect. If not, you both move on with your lives.

daydreamer0217

maybe so lexiecat. but our relationship has been on his terms. I don't think it is a bad thing to set my own for once. thanks for the advice though. if it was meant to be.. it will

LexieCat

No, not at ALL bad for you to decide you don't want to meet him for dinner. What I'm saying is that you can't insist on a casual phone-and-text relationship, either, if that isn't what he wants. Maybe someday the two of you will meet on neutral ground, but that has to happen in its own good time.

Mountainmanbob

Best keep some distance for a while. Maybe a long while.

The game has been played so many times before
probably was a good thing for you when you headed for the door
don't get sucked back in, for you want pain no more

Bob

eyeoftheholder

I think he's trying to suck you in again and punishing you as previously said because you won't meet him
He just wants what he wants
If you don't want dinner with him don't text him
Texting is not enough for him
He wants what he wants whatever that may be including if he wanted to make a fool out if you
As I read in another post and it rings true to me
We are expendable to them mere objects
There god is alcohol
Yes we help with the loneliness but can so easily be replaced
Do what's best for you and if you text him first it will only hurt you when he doesn't reply
It sounds to me like he's trying to make you crazy now
Be strong and keep your chin up unlike me who fell in the trap and went crazy.

NYCDoglvr

No is a complete sentence that requires no clarification. If you don't want to see him then stop responding to texts and calls. Hey, he's an alcoholic nothing has improved.

Rosalba

I think I'd be a bit wary of the unintended messages I was sending out to someone like this... as it is, if he wants you to keep texting him - all he has to do is ignore you.

There was a time when I could get really frantic trying to reach someone who wasn't responding (I'm not saying you are - this is just me!), but I found that my own sanity improved by not only refraining from repeatedly contacting someone who didn't respond - but not being over-eager when they did. For example, if someone takes a couple of days to respond, then I'd take a comparable length of time to get back to them. Just a bit of detachment gives both of you a breathing space, and stops a relationship getting unbalanced.

Good luck with all this, and especially with your own healing!

daydreamer0217

oh, i think you guys misunderstood what I meant, I guess that happens when you cant hear the other person. I am so not waiting by the phone in bated breathe. he is a liar, a user, a cheater, an alcoholic. doesn't mean I do not love him, just means I know who he is. we are not together and no intention to be ever again, but the friendship, well. we will see, we have been in each others lives for well over 35 years, hard to just walka way from it all. and trust me, I don;t text every day. did not mean it liek that

firebolt

Wise test.

Wise decision.

I hope you have / had a blast without him having the ability to stress you out!!