Catherine628

So my DD had a playdate with a new friend at a park. Both of the other parents showed up and the usual chit chat started.

Pretty much everyone in my life knows my situation (close friends, church friends, co workers ). I've never felt the need to hide the alcoholism. For some reason every time this couple asked me a question it's like I hopped in a time machine and traveled back 3 years to before addiction imploded in our lives.

I hate being untruthful. They were such a nice family and our kids really like each other. My situation just seems so messy and personal to explain to strangers. I can't imagine trying to explain the chaos of moving so many times to escape the drunken abuse, the homelessness and why we are not attending the school we are zoned to, and on and on. Ugh.

Anyone else have trouble with this?

Every question they asked I had a sarcastic answer run thru my brain: What does your husband do? Well he drinks all day, spends a fair amount of time on Internet porn and forgets he isn't wearing pants.

I need a new plan for these situations. They weren't being nosy, just making small talk and I turned into a giant liar.

knowthetriggers

Yes, I have been down this road before. Even though I hid the truth I was always embarrassed and fearful that somehow they knew I was lying.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and can totally relate.

searching peace

I do this. When I have told people or shared with friends about my situation, they don't speak to me again. It is difficult to keep up the lies though. I hate being ashamed of my life. I hate my kids being ashamed. But you and I both need to remember we didn't cause this, can't control it and can't cure it. I am getting divorced so that is all I say now. And you could say your AH is sick and fighting a disease. Which he is.

LexieCat

It IS a little bit tricky, especially with parents of a playmate. They are rightly interested in getting to know the parents of their child's friend, since they might be spending a lot of time together and maybe spending time at each other's homes.

I thought you were separated? Are you living with him again?

Catherine628

We are separated which I also didn't tell them of course. I'm ready to divorce but trying to get the money together, and my courage.

Catherine628

And I think for me shame underlies much of this. Something like, "The kids father has cancer, heart problems, a brain tumor...." gets quite a different reaction than "he's an alcoholic. "

LexieCat

Well, I don't think you need to explain any of that. You can simply say that you are separated, planning to divorce, and it has been difficult. These days, that could mean anything. Their biggest concern will be how reliable the parent who is going to be around their daughter is. But even though you don't tell them details, you can say you'd rather not discuss her father--difficult as the situation is right now. If you make him sound like he's totally OK, and at some point your daughter confides to her friend, it might make them feel they can't trust you. You know what I mean?

Catherine628

Oh yes I was actually thinking that as I was telling all my lies. This was the first time this has come up. I felt unprepared.

Rosalba

To have told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth to a couple of strangers would have been embarrassing and inappropriate - over-sharing, in fact. It's often not the content of what's being said, but the fact that it's being said at all which many people find uncomfortable-making. This is something that codies are unfortunately rather prone to!

There's nothing wrong with making non-committal responses to questions from people you hardly know. Once people know and like you, they're highly unlikely to judge you by your ex-husband.

For example, three generations of my family have served time in prison (and that's just the ones I know of!). My alcoholic brother has convictions for manslaughter and armed robbery. I spent a year as a psychiatric outpatient, many years back. This is not stuff which I'd be sharing on a first date! But, by the same token, I've never known anyone with whom I've built up a real friendship even think twice about it; it's not so much what's said, but when it's said.

I wouldn't tell an outright lie, such as claiming my brother is a solicitor or a minister, but I don't wave his past around either. That said, there are some surprisingly entertaining and interesting stories around all this; it's just that you have to know me pretty well to hear them.

Stung

I relate to this big time. My husband and I are separated (and have been for what feels like a very long time) and I run into this lying/glossing over the truth stuff, in terms of our marital status, all the time. After the fact I comfort myself with "lots of people divorce each other all the time for a million different reasons" kind of stuff, but in the heat of the moment I just want to feel "normal". Like I have a normal husband. And I kind of fill that role.

I think it's some acceptance and shame (like you already mentioned) stuff that I need to work on. "We're (maybe) getting divorced because things just aren't working out and it's becoming increasingly apparent that we are better off apart." I figure that anyone that pries on that has their own issues. Now I need to work up the balls to actually say it out loud. Much easier said than done.

Big hugs to you.

*As an add-on, our 5 year wedding anniversary is coming up and I initially found myself wondering what the traditional gift is and oh, goodness, what should I get him. Then, BAM, reality strikes. We've been separated for more than a year now with no signs of reconciliation on the horizon...where exactly is the "marriage" in all of this?