alleekat

Hi everyone this is my first time posting and I'm in bad need advice... My husband and I have been married 10 years and about 5 yrs ago, we had some problems and he began to drink. After a sudden death in the family we decided to get in church and he stopped drinking at that point. Well time went on and as far as I know he didn't touch another bottle until around Christmas time last year he had a fight with his nephew and it was called to my attention that he was drinking..I began to pay closer attention to his behavior (he has a explosive temper anyway but I noticed it was worse). My son actually found the first bottle hidden under our bed one night when when my husband came home and went off him and then passed out. He stopped drinking for a couple of months this spring so he could coach my sons baseball team. Then after the season was over he resumed. Before he started back I told him that I knew about the whiskey bottles that he kept hid under our bed and that the only reason I didn't say anything was because I hoped it wouldn't come to that and he would just stop, truth is it was because of his temper. I also told him that I had a journal of all the times that he came in wasted and passed out (he laughed at that). It wasn't just a week later on vacation he "had" to get a case of beer he wouldn't stop fighting about it until I gave in and told him he could get only one and after that no more because I didn't like him drinking around me or the kids..2 days later he wanted more and he used the excuse "I only get to drink when I'm on vacation, I work hard so why can't I enjoy a vacation". So I told him fine...But once we get home the drinking is over with (I don't allow it in my home). I began to find bottles hidden under the dresser. He comes home on fridays with one bottle half empty and one full..passes out and stays that way till sunday...now he even brings a bottle or two home during the week...what do I do? His temper is Explosive! I can take care of myself, I'm not worried about things getting physical, I just don't want say or do the wrong thing. He can be more verbally abusive than anything. I feel like maybe somehow its my fault he is drinking. I thought about digging the bottles out from under the dresser that way when he goes to move them out of the house he will realize I know but I'm not sure if I should..Please help! I'm starting to hate the man I married!

Gabe

Okay, first of all...it is not, not, not your fault he's drinking.
Get that thought right out of your head.
Second, the bottle search is pointless.
It doesn't matter if he knows you know.
He will keep right on doing what he's doing until he's ready to get some help.
Most importantly, shift your focus onto how this is affecting you.
You can't help him.
You can help yourself.
Coming here was a great start.
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you're here.
Gabe

cwohio

gabe is right - i stopped looking for hidden bottles because all it did was infuriate me but didn't stop him. focus on yourself like she said. al-anon is helping me - pretty new myself. hang in there and come back often - it helps!

hugs - cwohio

Magichappens

Hi Alleekat,
Welcome. The first thing we have to realize is that we are powerless over someones decision to drink. The second thing is that we don't have to go through this alone. There are many many people who are dealing with the effects of someone else's drinking. If you haven't already, you may want to try Al-Anon. It has helped many of us find healing and serenity in the midst of others storms. To find a meeting in your area;http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/ Click "Find a Meeting" It will give you local Al-Anon websites with meeting schedules. Feel free to come here anytime. Browse, post, or reply. It has been a great help to me. Hugs, Magic

JT

Alleekat,

Welcome to SR! Make yourself at home, the coffee is always on!

I know I go against the grain on this one but I am a person who likes to have it all out. My husband drinks in front of me but the occasional bottle I have found hidden, I set on the kitchen counter for him to throw away.

Let me qualify that by saying that I have nothing to say about it, and I don't search, but if I find something he knows I know. It doesn't pay to fight about it. He is going to do what he is going to do and it is NOT about anything you are doing.

Hugs,
JT

Star Gazer

My mom would hide bottles every where! She actually thought we didn't know she was drinking. I think she did it because she knew that if she drank in front of us, she would be letting us down and admitting defeat to her problem.

It used to make me physically ill when I would find them. I didn't dare touch them or confront her. Too hard and it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

Hang in there. I used to hate walking on eggs shells at home. I would write in my journal or read books until the drama subsided. As everyone else said, this is not your fault.

givingup

I tell myself that I'm not going to look for the bottles but it seems that inevitably I do. It makes me sick to my stomach when I find one and I find myself consistently drawn back to measure the contents. I don't confront my AH or dispose of the contents because I do know that it would not do any good. I suppose it gives me a sense of control to know if there is something hidden at home or not. It is bizarre behavior to be certain. I am trying to give myself grace that this craziness comes out of living with craziness and is not really who I am in my heart and soul.

Interestingly enough, as I give up control, my AH is taking more control of his own behavior.

hopeforme

I just want to share I hear your struggles and am gld you came here to share them. I am new here too - have gone off and on to Al-Anon for years. The one thing I have learned is that the "way" the alcoholic drinks may "appear" different but it hurts US just the same. My partner never drinks at home so there are no bottles but is that any better - no - it means he is out all the time - it means he lost his license for drinking and driving.....so by finding and removing bottles you my change the pattern of his drinking but it will not stop his drinking...
I think someone mentioned "liking to know the truth" - that is me as well. Although I know I can't control his drinking there is something about it being hidden that would hurt.
aggh - it all hurts - I am glad there are places like here to come and share

bjmt

My AH doesn't seem to hide the bottles. He just fills up the rubbish bin with them.
One thing is I feel guilty when I go to grocery store with him and watch him buy beer and scotch whiskey. At times I feel like its my fault to enable him to buy this stuff. I don't give him any excuses at check-out. The girls are always making comments on his bottles. I try and avoid that subject. It really gets old..doesn't it?

alleekat

Thank you everyone! I am feeling better about my situation just knowing that someone understands makes it easier. I grew up in a home where my dad was drinking on and off my whole life..my moms life was much like my own. I swore I'd never live like that but here I am. My AH has a sister thats a alcoholic she hids bottles and drinks till she passes out, he and I have even tried to help her so it's odd that he would now be putting me through the same thing. I started to ask him last night what I was doing that was driving him to drink but thought I would not give him the chance or the permission to use me as his excuse. I know he is having some problems at work which we talk about daily together, so I know I'm being there for him for that...but this is what makes me think maybe is drinking is my fault....5 years ago I had an affair he was so mean and hateful to me that I found comfort somewhere else. When he confronted me about it I realized that I had broke his heart and I agreed I would work on the marriage..well in the time the affair was going on we were not intimate. He started drinking while the affair was going on... Well.. I have been faithful to him since he confronted me but I have had some health problems this year that leave me tired and not really wanting to be intimate..Plus I can not or shall I say Will Not warm up too him when he is drinking. So that leaves me thinking maybe he is drinking because he thinks I'm fooling around, which I'm not. My life is a open book to him so I'm not hiding anything. I guess maybe he just wants to "catch a buzz" as he puts it. All I know is I'm trying to be a good wife to him and friend but he makes it hard. I'm glad that I've found someone I can finally talk to!
I'm kind of on my own..my mom and dad have passed on and last year my big brother passed away suddenly so I have no one to confide in until now. Thanks for taking the time to read my post, I truly appreciate you!!

cwohio

allekat - keep coming back - we're all here for you and what magic always suggest about finding a al-anon meeting is good advice!

hugs - cwohio

melissaealy

im sorry to hear that you are going through the samething as i am.i actually beginning to resint my husband also.he is mean to me all the time when he is drunk.if he could just stay sober he is a good person.i mean he would give you the shirt of hes back but drunk hes mean and nasty and the past three or four months the hell has started again.i wish you the best of luck and i will pray for you.good luck

ham

I am glad that you are feeling better!

ham