New and Seeking Relatability
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PNW
Posts: 7
New and Seeking Relatability
Hi guys,
I'm new here and was recommended to visit from my therapist. I am the adult female (middle) child of a mother who has an alcohol abuse problem and is not willing to admit it. She is not your typical alcoholic where you might assume she starts drinking right after she wakes up, but she does have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol to the point where she cannot control herself on it. She would like to think she can, but the reality is that she does not treat it with respect and instead relies on it to "relax" and "unwind" at the end of the day. However, many bad things have happened as a result of her abuse of it and it has weighed heavily on me from a young age to now as I am almost 30 years old.
It's a long story, but she's had a very terrible history as a child, teenager, young adult, and now just over 50. She hasn't really started to address any of the issues (as far as I know) until very recently after finally making the decision to leave her abusive husband of over a decade and a half. It was verbally, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive, and I got to witness quite a bit of it (as did my younger brother; my older brother got out of the house faster than we did).
Much has been unearthed as a result of this impending divorce and I have become caught in the middle. My youngest brother managed to escape the situation late last year by moving with his wife out of their home for a job offer and hasn't looked back since. He used to be the one my mother could rely on to dump all of her emotional baggage and use as a distraction. Since he's been gone, I became the dumpee because I am the closest to her.
To make a long story short, she is in denial about the trauma she has put on me and how it has shaped me as a human being. This isn't necessarily the way I portray it to her as she doesn't respond well to what she may consider an attack, though that's understandable. One of the major things that bothers me is that she even drinks at all, but her denial is steadfast and seemingly unwavering. It's gotten to the point where it affects me emotionally and mentally. I have developed a panic disorder (was diagnosed with it a couple years ago), am constantly worried about her health and safety to the point where I have panic attacks and used to have them on a daily basis, as well as just about things in general. I have a very negative mind-set and live my life preparing for the worst.
Hopefully (although logically I know it's not true), I am not the only one out there experiencing something like this. I am hoping therapy helps, but as we uncover things and dig deeper down the rabbit hole, I find myself becoming much more disheartened, defeated, and simply devoid of hope that things will ever get better. Or even if they do get better for her, I may be stuck in my rut trying to figure out how to even find the motivation to dig myself out.
I'm new here and was recommended to visit from my therapist. I am the adult female (middle) child of a mother who has an alcohol abuse problem and is not willing to admit it. She is not your typical alcoholic where you might assume she starts drinking right after she wakes up, but she does have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol to the point where she cannot control herself on it. She would like to think she can, but the reality is that she does not treat it with respect and instead relies on it to "relax" and "unwind" at the end of the day. However, many bad things have happened as a result of her abuse of it and it has weighed heavily on me from a young age to now as I am almost 30 years old.
It's a long story, but she's had a very terrible history as a child, teenager, young adult, and now just over 50. She hasn't really started to address any of the issues (as far as I know) until very recently after finally making the decision to leave her abusive husband of over a decade and a half. It was verbally, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive, and I got to witness quite a bit of it (as did my younger brother; my older brother got out of the house faster than we did).
Much has been unearthed as a result of this impending divorce and I have become caught in the middle. My youngest brother managed to escape the situation late last year by moving with his wife out of their home for a job offer and hasn't looked back since. He used to be the one my mother could rely on to dump all of her emotional baggage and use as a distraction. Since he's been gone, I became the dumpee because I am the closest to her.
To make a long story short, she is in denial about the trauma she has put on me and how it has shaped me as a human being. This isn't necessarily the way I portray it to her as she doesn't respond well to what she may consider an attack, though that's understandable. One of the major things that bothers me is that she even drinks at all, but her denial is steadfast and seemingly unwavering. It's gotten to the point where it affects me emotionally and mentally. I have developed a panic disorder (was diagnosed with it a couple years ago), am constantly worried about her health and safety to the point where I have panic attacks and used to have them on a daily basis, as well as just about things in general. I have a very negative mind-set and live my life preparing for the worst.
Hopefully (although logically I know it's not true), I am not the only one out there experiencing something like this. I am hoping therapy helps, but as we uncover things and dig deeper down the rabbit hole, I find myself becoming much more disheartened, defeated, and simply devoid of hope that things will ever get better. Or even if they do get better for her, I may be stuck in my rut trying to figure out how to even find the motivation to dig myself out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PNW
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Latte 
I'm sure an admin will come along and let you know.
I really am glad you are here.
I really am glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi Kepakin. Welcome to the forum. I am so glad your therapist recommended you come here. You are certainly not alone. There are quite a few of us adult children of alcoholics. There is even a separate forum for us if you would like to use it. Though here on Friends and Family it tends to be busier.
Please stick around. There is a lot of Experience, Strength, and Hope here.
Please stick around. There is a lot of Experience, Strength, and Hope here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Hi Kepakin,
I have a negative mindset and live my life preparing for the worst too. I understand how exhausting that is. What has helped me with that the most is Yoga. I have no idea how or why it helped, but it really did. I am not doing it now because of an injury and I can feel myself slipping back into the panic and doom place.
My mom is not an A, she is an ACOA. Like you, I went through a time when I really wanted her to understand how the way I was raised affected me, and how her unhealthy behavior still affects me today. But it's not going to happen because of her massive capacity for denial, and I have given up waiting for it. I feel like you would be wise to do the same. Waiting for your mother to undertand how she caused your problems is just going to get in the way of your healing. It may never happen. Take control of your own recovery which requires not being attached to the behavior or reaction of anyone else.
The chances are your mother will not be able to accept responsibility for her behavior unless she gets sober and works some kind of program. This could be years off, and may never happen at all. I completely understand your desire to be heard and understood by her. There is a part of me that still dreams of my mother apologizing to me, but it is the unhealthy part of me.
I feel like something you could do is work on boundaries between you and your mom's problems. Figure out how much support you can give her without it negatively affecting you, and set some kind of boundary to take care of yourself. It is not your responsibility to take care of her. Maybe you could limit your interactions with her, or tell her you can't listen to her process her divorce with you--whatever works for you.
It's great you are seeing a therapist and reaching out on here. You should be proud of yourself for taking those healthy steps!
I have a negative mindset and live my life preparing for the worst too. I understand how exhausting that is. What has helped me with that the most is Yoga. I have no idea how or why it helped, but it really did. I am not doing it now because of an injury and I can feel myself slipping back into the panic and doom place.
My mom is not an A, she is an ACOA. Like you, I went through a time when I really wanted her to understand how the way I was raised affected me, and how her unhealthy behavior still affects me today. But it's not going to happen because of her massive capacity for denial, and I have given up waiting for it. I feel like you would be wise to do the same. Waiting for your mother to undertand how she caused your problems is just going to get in the way of your healing. It may never happen. Take control of your own recovery which requires not being attached to the behavior or reaction of anyone else.
The chances are your mother will not be able to accept responsibility for her behavior unless she gets sober and works some kind of program. This could be years off, and may never happen at all. I completely understand your desire to be heard and understood by her. There is a part of me that still dreams of my mother apologizing to me, but it is the unhealthy part of me.
I feel like something you could do is work on boundaries between you and your mom's problems. Figure out how much support you can give her without it negatively affecting you, and set some kind of boundary to take care of yourself. It is not your responsibility to take care of her. Maybe you could limit your interactions with her, or tell her you can't listen to her process her divorce with you--whatever works for you.
It's great you are seeing a therapist and reaching out on here. You should be proud of yourself for taking those healthy steps!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hi K,
I am also an ACoA (my dad). I never understood what a huge ripple that made on my psychic pond until pretty recently. Something that had helped me a lot in addition to therapy and SR has been attending Alanon meetings. That is an excellent place to learn how to set boundaries with your mother (or anyone for that matter). As an ACoA one of my biggest struggles has been taking responsibility for other people's emotions and the needless guilt that comes with that.
Glad you found us.
I am also an ACoA (my dad). I never understood what a huge ripple that made on my psychic pond until pretty recently. Something that had helped me a lot in addition to therapy and SR has been attending Alanon meetings. That is an excellent place to learn how to set boundaries with your mother (or anyone for that matter). As an ACoA one of my biggest struggles has been taking responsibility for other people's emotions and the needless guilt that comes with that.
Glad you found us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PNW
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by happybeingme
Hi Kepakin. Welcome to the forum. I am so glad your therapist recommended you come here. You are certainly not alone. There are quite a few of us adult children of alcoholics. There is even a separate forum for us if you would like to use it. Though here on Friends and Family it tends to be busier.
Please stick around. There is a lot of Experience, Strength, and Hope here.
Please stick around. There is a lot of Experience, Strength, and Hope here.
Originally Posted by HopefulElle
Hi Kepakin,
I have a negative mindset and live my life preparing for the worst too. I understand how exhausting that is. What has helped me with that the most is Yoga. I have no idea how or why it helped, but it really did. I am not doing it now because of an injury and I can feel myself slipping back into the panic and doom place.
My mom is not an A, she is an ACOA. Like you, I went through a time when I really wanted her to understand how the way I was raised affected me, and how her unhealthy behavior still affects me today. But it's not going to happen because of her massive capacity for denial, and I have given up waiting for it. I feel like you would be wise to do the same. Waiting for your mother to undertand how she caused your problems is just going to get in the way of your healing. It may never happen. Take control of your own recovery which requires not being attached to the behavior or reaction of anyone else.
The chances are your mother will not be able to accept responsibility for her behavior unless she gets sober and works some kind of program. This could be years off, and may never happen at all. I completely understand your desire to be heard and understood by her. There is a part of me that still dreams of my mother apologizing to me, but it is the unhealthy part of me.
I feel like something you could do is work on boundaries between you and your mom's problems. Figure out how much support you can give her without it negatively affecting you, and set some kind of boundary to take care of yourself. It is not your responsibility to take care of her. Maybe you could limit your interactions with her, or tell her you can't listen to her process her divorce with you--whatever works for you.
It's great you are seeing a therapist and reaching out on here. You should be proud of yourself for taking those healthy steps!
I have a negative mindset and live my life preparing for the worst too. I understand how exhausting that is. What has helped me with that the most is Yoga. I have no idea how or why it helped, but it really did. I am not doing it now because of an injury and I can feel myself slipping back into the panic and doom place.
My mom is not an A, she is an ACOA. Like you, I went through a time when I really wanted her to understand how the way I was raised affected me, and how her unhealthy behavior still affects me today. But it's not going to happen because of her massive capacity for denial, and I have given up waiting for it. I feel like you would be wise to do the same. Waiting for your mother to undertand how she caused your problems is just going to get in the way of your healing. It may never happen. Take control of your own recovery which requires not being attached to the behavior or reaction of anyone else.
The chances are your mother will not be able to accept responsibility for her behavior unless she gets sober and works some kind of program. This could be years off, and may never happen at all. I completely understand your desire to be heard and understood by her. There is a part of me that still dreams of my mother apologizing to me, but it is the unhealthy part of me.
I feel like something you could do is work on boundaries between you and your mom's problems. Figure out how much support you can give her without it negatively affecting you, and set some kind of boundary to take care of yourself. It is not your responsibility to take care of her. Maybe you could limit your interactions with her, or tell her you can't listen to her process her divorce with you--whatever works for you.
It's great you are seeing a therapist and reaching out on here. You should be proud of yourself for taking those healthy steps!
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Hi K,
I am also an ACoA (my dad). I never understood what a huge ripple that made on my psychic pond until pretty recently. Something that had helped me a lot in addition to therapy and SR has been attending Alanon meetings. That is an excellent place to learn how to set boundaries with your mother (or anyone for that matter). As an ACoA one of my biggest struggles has been taking responsibility for other people's emotions and the needless guilt that comes with that.
Glad you found us.
I am also an ACoA (my dad). I never understood what a huge ripple that made on my psychic pond until pretty recently. Something that had helped me a lot in addition to therapy and SR has been attending Alanon meetings. That is an excellent place to learn how to set boundaries with your mother (or anyone for that matter). As an ACoA one of my biggest struggles has been taking responsibility for other people's emotions and the needless guilt that comes with that.
Glad you found us.
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