Butterfly

Thank you everyone. I'm trying to process so much, It's difficult just letting go and being, if you know what I mean.

NYCDoglvr

Have you asked yourself what having validation will do for you? I think in the end we have to accept that we're all just flawed human beings. No one is completely good or completely bad, including the alcoholic. I've sure made some whopping mistakes but hopefully I learn from them. Perhaps that's why I prefer dogs to people LOL I can say from the perspective of being an alcoholic (23 years of recovery), the active alcoholic isn't capable of having an honest relationship. It's a mental illness, not a disease of the elbow!

You mentioned the Third Step: "turning our will over to a higher power". We have enormous self-will which is why this can be such a hard step to do. Lots of times we don't WANT to let go of the reins. So I prayed: I'm willing to be willing to turn over my will." Hey, it works. It's about the willingness.

Butterfly

I'm willing nyc let's face I haven't done such a great job with my life and the decisions I made lol

BlindBfour

I do not think alcoholics abandon those that they love. IMO I think we move lower on the totem pole also i think the degree in which they can love changes. I am sure I am explaining this incorrectly but in my world my alcoholic loves me, he does. His addiction is winning, he doesn't want his addiction to destroy me also but he doesn't want to lose me. It is sort of like plucking a daisy- he loves me, he loves me not. Different petal, different day, you just never know what your going to end up with.

Rosiepetal

Take the focus off him & put it on you.
Try to do something nice for yourself, one foot in front of the other & one day at a time.
The what ifs will drive you crazy, don't try to find the answers just accept that it is part of your past, you can't change any of it & move forward.
Hugs.

ErinGoBragh

Nor have I. I have beat myself up for so long over my AH. I, too, still ask "why" on occasion. But I ask "WHY???" less often.

I witnessed how my husband lived the last nine weeks of his life. What answers did I get? He never believed he was an alcoholic. He admitted he was chronically depressed and anxious - exacerbated by the alcoholism - but he honestly NEVER realized it was the alcoholism that made his life a chaotic mess. So that gave me closure about his denial and his inability to maintain sobriety. I finally got it.

I have made some big-time mistakes in my life. I have beaten myself up over those bad choices for years.What does it accomplish? Nothing, absolutely nothing. The only thing I can do now is work my program, forgive myself, and realize that my mistakes don't mean the rest of my life is trashed or will be a total mess.

I have reasonable peace. I can forgive myself. And I am starting to quiet the voices that demand "why?".

NYCDoglvr

Well tell me who has done a "great" job! Chances are you haven't murdered anyone, robbed a bank or stolen from the orphans and widows funds. No one can control outcomes. I've learned to look back and say, "well, it seemed like a good idea at the time." About this time my sponsor would tell me to write a gratitude list (starting with my life..) and then go to a meeting and talk to a newcomer (to get me out of the "poor me" mindset). These things work! This isn't about reality, it's about what you think which is probably way off mark. We addicts (including codependents) suffer from grandiosity and assign ourselves much more blame and credit than we deserve.

queenapple

Oh, Butterfly, I do some much of the same thing. My RAH moved out at my request last May. Since then I changed my mind HOURLY-- or even by the minute-- of how to go on with my life, do I let him move back eventually(he wants to, my kids, tellingly, are all against it), feeling sorry for him, alone even though he's made great strides to become sober and straighten out his life.

I'm still sitting in the doorway between two doors too, just home everyday to move another inch closer to the door OUT.

BlindBfour

My alcoholic has been gone for 5 days. All I can say is we all feel lighter. My youngest actually pulls up the blinds and lets the sunlight in. The children and I have been spending more time together in the common areas of the house. We have been laughing and enjoying each other. The alcoholic wants to come home but I would rather have my children's laughter.