Wait, can someone explain to me what just happened?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Hi
I feel your pain. My husband's alcohol addiction spiralled after we married too. We've been married for two years.
He recently went to detox and rehab but relapsed after he was home for a couple of weeks. I asked him to leave (i own my house, it's just in my name so this wasn't too difficult.)
He has now been gone for 4 days, I have no idea where he is.
The way I am dealing with it is like everyone has said, let him figure it out on his own. I did support him to go to rehab but he has done that now and relapsed so he knows how to go about getting help if he wants to again.
I have also been trying to take it day by day. I know I have some decisions to make and can't live my life in limbo waiting for him to get better but I also know I can't solve everything in a day.
I am maintaining my sanity by reinforcing my boundaries - which are no drinking around me or my child in my home. No matter what he does that boundary will never change for me.
Maybe have a think about what you need in order to remain well yourself in amongst her chaos?
I feel your pain. My husband's alcohol addiction spiralled after we married too. We've been married for two years.
He recently went to detox and rehab but relapsed after he was home for a couple of weeks. I asked him to leave (i own my house, it's just in my name so this wasn't too difficult.)
He has now been gone for 4 days, I have no idea where he is.
The way I am dealing with it is like everyone has said, let him figure it out on his own. I did support him to go to rehab but he has done that now and relapsed so he knows how to go about getting help if he wants to again.
I have also been trying to take it day by day. I know I have some decisions to make and can't live my life in limbo waiting for him to get better but I also know I can't solve everything in a day.
I am maintaining my sanity by reinforcing my boundaries - which are no drinking around me or my child in my home. No matter what he does that boundary will never change for me.
Maybe have a think about what you need in order to remain well yourself in amongst her chaos?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
I am sorry for your situation. I was the drunk in my family. A single mom of teenage girls. My kids begged me to stop drinking but I couldn't quit/didn't want to quit. I had to find my bottom before I could stop and stay sober. I'm blessed I lost nothing but my self respect and the respect of my kids, which I've since earned back.
I too would advise seeing a lawyer about what you can do or not do. And go to AlAnon for support for yourself. You're going to need it.
I too would advise seeing a lawyer about what you can do or not do. And go to AlAnon for support for yourself. You're going to need it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
TEnumber82, Welcome! I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us. You will find a wide variety of experiences and recommendations here. I hope you will have the time to read around the boards a bit, get acquainted with the whole variety of support offered for Friends and Family members who have a loved one struggling with addiction. Don't hesitate to ask questions any time.
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Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I guess what I'm getting at is, what happened to the old school method of just simply "beating it out of them", so to speak? If I were a minor, and I came home with a crippling cocaine addiction, my parents would've flushed my drugs down the toilet, and cut me off financially, since that would be my source. Maybe it wouldn't have prevented me 110%, because I'd still have my friends, but it'd put me in a position where I'd have everything to lose: sure, I could pawn their TV's and belongings for coke money, but they could just call the cops and have me arrested for theft and possession. Point is, if I'm the one that controls the money, and she barely even makes enough for gas money, let alone going out to a bar with friends, how exactly is it that I just can't take a knife to her box of wine every time she comes home with one?
Because she isn't a kid. Hopefully a parent will be by and offer you some insight on whether this method works (not).
You are envisioning how YOU would respond to this type of discipline. You aren't an addict. You never have been. You are just now starting to educate on alcoholism. You are comparing apples to oranges. Your thought processes and responses aren't applicable.
She'll blame it on being stressed from work, and will pour herself a drink to unwind, and after 3 glasses, she can barely even stand on her own two feet.
Wry smile. You don't really believe 3 glasses would level a veteran? I doubt they are the first of the day.
She will come to and "quit" for a few days, which she will spend sick in bed
Physically dependent. Not all A's are.
I've spent more time being chewed out over knifing the box of wine, than I've heard anything else.
Hmmm. Ok so here is something you can begin exploring. Unlike your idea of restricting her like a child lets discuss how you want to be treated. Do you want to be B!tched out for trashing her wine? No? Don't get rid of her wine. Don't like being around her drunk? Instead of trying to control what you cannot control what you can. Don't be around her when she is drinking.
This is called laying boundaries.
Because she isn't a kid. Hopefully a parent will be by and offer you some insight on whether this method works (not).
You are envisioning how YOU would respond to this type of discipline. You aren't an addict. You never have been. You are just now starting to educate on alcoholism. You are comparing apples to oranges. Your thought processes and responses aren't applicable.
She'll blame it on being stressed from work, and will pour herself a drink to unwind, and after 3 glasses, she can barely even stand on her own two feet.
Wry smile. You don't really believe 3 glasses would level a veteran? I doubt they are the first of the day.
She will come to and "quit" for a few days, which she will spend sick in bed
Physically dependent. Not all A's are.
I've spent more time being chewed out over knifing the box of wine, than I've heard anything else.
Hmmm. Ok so here is something you can begin exploring. Unlike your idea of restricting her like a child lets discuss how you want to be treated. Do you want to be B!tched out for trashing her wine? No? Don't get rid of her wine. Don't like being around her drunk? Instead of trying to control what you cannot control what you can. Don't be around her when she is drinking.
This is called laying boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Lakeland , Florida
Posts: 9
I feel your pain,,,let her go bud..you will be her safe place to fall on and off for the rest of your life.Been doing this for 18 years,its not a good life,,the alcohol will always be more important than you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
The previous posters have given you a lot of good information but I do want to emphasize that this is as good as it gets as alcoholism is a progressive disease. You should be having the most amazing, wonderful years of your marriage right now...you are in the honeymoon period and you are suffering instead with a partner that is completely wrapped up in the next drink.
She sounds a long, long way from recovery from what you have shared and until she wants it the insanity will continue day in and day out. All you can do is decide how you wish to live the rest of your life one day at a time. Take care of yourself and learn all you can about this disease and more will be revealed.
She sounds a long, long way from recovery from what you have shared and until she wants it the insanity will continue day in and day out. All you can do is decide how you wish to live the rest of your life one day at a time. Take care of yourself and learn all you can about this disease and more will be revealed.
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