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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
New Here
Hello-
I'm new to this forum and have found forums in the past so helpful when I was pregnant and a new mom.
My husband is 35, very successful in his job and I believe him to be a functioning alcoholic. He never misses work, he is never abusive, always polite, and an excellent father. However he has drank excessively in social settings and it's come to light that he is secretly drinking when I'm not home (I work nights) and possibly excessively so. He thinks he can moderate it himself, but he's lied about certain things in his past, almost as a gut reaction defensiveness. His family was very healthy and happy growing up, so it's not like he has demons in his closet. But I think he does have some underlying depression. I also think the alcoholism leaks into other aspects such as intimacy issues.
He's out of town this week and a lot has come to light after I stumbled across some empty liquor bottles. He says he wants to do counseling when he gets back though he thinks AA wouldn't be for him. I want to try to get involved in AlAnon but not sure there's many options that work with my schedule. There might be some online or phone-in options and I'm also looking into some books from the library.
But question - the majority of family members and friends enjoy alcohol at social events (in moderation) and as do I. As a supportive wife starting this path, is it helpful for myself to refrain from alcohol also? Or do others continue to have a glass of wine here and there with dinner without feeling guilty?
Thanks in advance, I'm going to continue to read through all these threads, I've already found them so very helpful!!
<3 - D
I'm new to this forum and have found forums in the past so helpful when I was pregnant and a new mom.
My husband is 35, very successful in his job and I believe him to be a functioning alcoholic. He never misses work, he is never abusive, always polite, and an excellent father. However he has drank excessively in social settings and it's come to light that he is secretly drinking when I'm not home (I work nights) and possibly excessively so. He thinks he can moderate it himself, but he's lied about certain things in his past, almost as a gut reaction defensiveness. His family was very healthy and happy growing up, so it's not like he has demons in his closet. But I think he does have some underlying depression. I also think the alcoholism leaks into other aspects such as intimacy issues.
He's out of town this week and a lot has come to light after I stumbled across some empty liquor bottles. He says he wants to do counseling when he gets back though he thinks AA wouldn't be for him. I want to try to get involved in AlAnon but not sure there's many options that work with my schedule. There might be some online or phone-in options and I'm also looking into some books from the library.
But question - the majority of family members and friends enjoy alcohol at social events (in moderation) and as do I. As a supportive wife starting this path, is it helpful for myself to refrain from alcohol also? Or do others continue to have a glass of wine here and there with dinner without feeling guilty?
Thanks in advance, I'm going to continue to read through all these threads, I've already found them so very helpful!!
<3 - D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hi Delray! Welcome and glad you found this forum.
My AH is functional also and thinks he can drink moderately.
Alanon is fantastic and can help you thru your confusion. I could also recommend the book Codependent No More as a good resource.
There are some very wise posters here that will follow me and give you even better suggestions. I just wanted to say Hi, I am sorry for what brings you here but so glad you posted!
Keep coming back!
My AH is functional also and thinks he can drink moderately.
Alanon is fantastic and can help you thru your confusion. I could also recommend the book Codependent No More as a good resource.
There are some very wise posters here that will follow me and give you even better suggestions. I just wanted to say Hi, I am sorry for what brings you here but so glad you posted!
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Is he home at night with the kids while you work? Are they old enough to deal with an emergency if he is drinking while they are in his care? "Functional alcoholism" is a stage in a greater progression of the disease, and something I've come to believe is that a lot of that "function" is a result of other people (not just spouses or s.o.'s) helping to prop up the alcoholic. Like the cop who lets a driver go with a warning instead of making them take a breathalyzer, or the coworker who covers up and makes excuses because so and so is such a nice person, what will happen to their family if they lose their job, etc.
When my ex was supposed to be getting help for his drinking, he also avoided AA in favor of "counseling", which turned out to just be him seeing the same doc at the VA he'd always seen and telling the same lies he's always told. Your husband might be in defensive mode because his secret is out, but that doesn't mean he's ready to quit drinking.
The wisest thing you can do is focus on yourself and your kids. Read up on alcoholism and relationships in the wonderful stickies here at the top of the page and get out to Alanon if you can. I also work nights, so I understand evening meetings aren't always doable with that type of schedule. My favorite Alanon meeting is a daytime meeting, and I also go one on Saturday nights.
If he is serious about sobriety, then keeping a dry house and not drinking around him during his early sobriety are ways you can support that, but his sobriety is not going to be contingent on your actions.
When my ex was supposed to be getting help for his drinking, he also avoided AA in favor of "counseling", which turned out to just be him seeing the same doc at the VA he'd always seen and telling the same lies he's always told. Your husband might be in defensive mode because his secret is out, but that doesn't mean he's ready to quit drinking.
The wisest thing you can do is focus on yourself and your kids. Read up on alcoholism and relationships in the wonderful stickies here at the top of the page and get out to Alanon if you can. I also work nights, so I understand evening meetings aren't always doable with that type of schedule. My favorite Alanon meeting is a daytime meeting, and I also go one on Saturday nights.
If he is serious about sobriety, then keeping a dry house and not drinking around him during his early sobriety are ways you can support that, but his sobriety is not going to be contingent on your actions.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 46
Hi Delray - Welcome to SR. I joined only a couple of months ago and have learned so much reading the threads as well. Your husband sounds similar to mine. My husband is two months sober now.
I rarely drink, but every so often, I might want to have wine or whatever to chill and relax. A month ago, I waited until my husband was out of town and then had a drink. I discarded the rest since I wouldn't touch it for a while. Right or wrong, I did this in an effort to support his recovery. My husband was only one month sober at the time, and struggled with the cravings and urges. I was mindful of that and therefore decided to not drink in his presence. I still wouldn't - it's too early in my husband's recovery.
That said, this is their battle to fight. There's drinking everywhere - business dinners, social gatherings, parties, etc. Eventually, they need to learn how to navigate and manage these situations.
I rarely drink, but every so often, I might want to have wine or whatever to chill and relax. A month ago, I waited until my husband was out of town and then had a drink. I discarded the rest since I wouldn't touch it for a while. Right or wrong, I did this in an effort to support his recovery. My husband was only one month sober at the time, and struggled with the cravings and urges. I was mindful of that and therefore decided to not drink in his presence. I still wouldn't - it's too early in my husband's recovery.
That said, this is their battle to fight. There's drinking everywhere - business dinners, social gatherings, parties, etc. Eventually, they need to learn how to navigate and manage these situations.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Functional alcoholic?? Hummm see I don’t see anything functional about alcoholism. Alcoholism it is a progressive disease, fast or slow it’s still downhill.
Drinking alcohol in the presents of an alcoholic is a personal decision. Some believe it’s their disease so it’s their problem and shouldn’t affect other people’s lives while others believe not drinking around them is supportive.
Me personally, I did not keep alcohol in the house but if we went out some where I would have a glass of wine. I never expected others to NOT serve or drink alcohol in his presents.
Years ago in al-anon a woman shared that her husband was sober 6 months and her daughter was getting married and she decided that alcohol was not going to be served at her daughter’s wedding. And that the toast would be done with ginger ale. She was upset because her daughter was upset with that decision. She saw it as her daughter being selfish and not understanding of the father’s struggles. Many at the meeting saw the situation as her still attempting to control her husband’s drinking and putting his needs above her daughter’s big day while others saw it as support to her husband’s sobriety.
Much like the debate on the issue of alcoholism as a disease – drinking in front of the alcoholic or keeping alcohol in the home is a very personal and very debatable issue.
Drinking alcohol in the presents of an alcoholic is a personal decision. Some believe it’s their disease so it’s their problem and shouldn’t affect other people’s lives while others believe not drinking around them is supportive.
Me personally, I did not keep alcohol in the house but if we went out some where I would have a glass of wine. I never expected others to NOT serve or drink alcohol in his presents.
Years ago in al-anon a woman shared that her husband was sober 6 months and her daughter was getting married and she decided that alcohol was not going to be served at her daughter’s wedding. And that the toast would be done with ginger ale. She was upset because her daughter was upset with that decision. She saw it as her daughter being selfish and not understanding of the father’s struggles. Many at the meeting saw the situation as her still attempting to control her husband’s drinking and putting his needs above her daughter’s big day while others saw it as support to her husband’s sobriety.
Much like the debate on the issue of alcoholism as a disease – drinking in front of the alcoholic or keeping alcohol in the home is a very personal and very debatable issue.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
"Functioning" isn't a type of alcoholism. It's just a stage. This thing progresses.
At this point, trying to decide whether its okay to drink with him or not is a little like patching one hole out of dozens in boat that's already taking on water. As long as he is not really interested in sobriety and recovery, his alcoholism will progress no matter what you choose to do or not do. Someone who really wants to kick this thing doesn't dismiss AA or any other support out of hand. Someone who really wants to recover will do everything in their power and use every resource available to them to heal. A lot of alcoholics will say whatever they need to say to get their spouses off their back about the drinking and maintain the status quo. Actions, not words, are what really count here.
Educating yourself about alcoholism and building a support network for yourself (SR is a good start, but Al-Anon is definitely worth investigating too) are the two most important things you can do for yourself right now. His drinking, and his potential recovery from alcoholism, are his issues to deal with. I hope he is one of the ones who takes this disease by the horns and gets better, but if he isn't, you will need to be armed with information and support in order to make the best decisions for yourself and your kids.
Sending you strength and courage.
At this point, trying to decide whether its okay to drink with him or not is a little like patching one hole out of dozens in boat that's already taking on water. As long as he is not really interested in sobriety and recovery, his alcoholism will progress no matter what you choose to do or not do. Someone who really wants to kick this thing doesn't dismiss AA or any other support out of hand. Someone who really wants to recover will do everything in their power and use every resource available to them to heal. A lot of alcoholics will say whatever they need to say to get their spouses off their back about the drinking and maintain the status quo. Actions, not words, are what really count here.
Educating yourself about alcoholism and building a support network for yourself (SR is a good start, but Al-Anon is definitely worth investigating too) are the two most important things you can do for yourself right now. His drinking, and his potential recovery from alcoholism, are his issues to deal with. I hope he is one of the ones who takes this disease by the horns and gets better, but if he isn't, you will need to be armed with information and support in order to make the best decisions for yourself and your kids.
Sending you strength and courage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
Thank you for the warm welcome. I know I don't know all the definitions and terminology of Alcoholism and I'm sure plenty of you were in my steps wondering if it's possible your loving partner could be fighting such an ugly addiction, but knowing in your heart that it has spun out of control.....
So many wise words here, especially in regards to enabling by trying to shelter him from alcohol. My guess is he's not going to walk away from drinking, so it will be me learning how that will affect our relationship and what I need to do.
I appreciate the input, I soak up your words and know they all come the best intentions. I feel so new to this all, there is a slight sense of betrayal that I'm labeling my husband unfairly, but perhaps that's the enabler in me....
So many wise words here, especially in regards to enabling by trying to shelter him from alcohol. My guess is he's not going to walk away from drinking, so it will be me learning how that will affect our relationship and what I need to do.
I appreciate the input, I soak up your words and know they all come the best intentions. I feel so new to this all, there is a slight sense of betrayal that I'm labeling my husband unfairly, but perhaps that's the enabler in me....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Delray 
Thank you for the warm welcome. I know I don't know all the definitions and terminology of Alcoholism and I'm sure plenty of you were in my steps wondering if it's possible your loving partner could be fighting such an ugly addiction, but knowing in your heart that it has spun out of control.....
So many wise words here, especially in regards to enabling by trying to shelter him from alcohol. My guess is he's not going to walk away from drinking, so it will be me learning how that will affect our relationship and what I need to do.
I appreciate the input, I soak up your words and know they all come the best intentions. I feel so new to this all, there is a slight sense of betrayal that I'm labeling my husband unfairly, but perhaps that's the enabler in me....
So many wise words here, especially in regards to enabling by trying to shelter him from alcohol. My guess is he's not going to walk away from drinking, so it will be me learning how that will affect our relationship and what I need to do.
I appreciate the input, I soak up your words and know they all come the best intentions. I feel so new to this all, there is a slight sense of betrayal that I'm labeling my husband unfairly, but perhaps that's the enabler in me....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
As a recovering alcoholic I know that "functioning" means he's early stage. It's a progressive disease and addicts increase their amounts as behavior deteriorates. They can't control it, although denial and rationalization lead them to believe otherwise. I suggest making time for Alanon, the support saved my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 12
I am fairly new to SR and have found it so refreshing to know others have been in my shoes and understand. You came to a great community with knowledge and support.
My husband is in recovery, I did call him a HFA as well. But as many have stated it went downhill to a horrible day with to much to drink. I have had alcohol out of our home for about 6 years. In that time he has been sober about 4 years in total. 2years before he totally committed to a sober life. So my experience on your question if you keep it out of the house, he will still get it. Your other question about should you refrain from drinking. That really has to be a personal choice and discussed with your AH once in recovery. From my experience he did say I could drink. I chose not to or only out with friends when he was not around. To support him and let him know in the long haul I could live a life without drinking and be with him. I am ok with that for a healthy marriage. We went that route because one of his hardest parts of sobriety was and still is at times finding his place fitting it society sober. Easy for me. Not so much for him.
Stay strong. You will learn a lot here. The book they recommend is great., work on you and let him decide his path. Meditation that fits your lifestyle and grateful, positive thoughts daily seem to help me. I am his rock, not as a codependent but a supporter in his recovery. I cheer him on daily. But now have learned I let him fall when he fails and let the world see. I don't shield him from friends and family anymore.
Your in my thoughts, hugs.....
My husband is in recovery, I did call him a HFA as well. But as many have stated it went downhill to a horrible day with to much to drink. I have had alcohol out of our home for about 6 years. In that time he has been sober about 4 years in total. 2years before he totally committed to a sober life. So my experience on your question if you keep it out of the house, he will still get it. Your other question about should you refrain from drinking. That really has to be a personal choice and discussed with your AH once in recovery. From my experience he did say I could drink. I chose not to or only out with friends when he was not around. To support him and let him know in the long haul I could live a life without drinking and be with him. I am ok with that for a healthy marriage. We went that route because one of his hardest parts of sobriety was and still is at times finding his place fitting it society sober. Easy for me. Not so much for him.
Stay strong. You will learn a lot here. The book they recommend is great., work on you and let him decide his path. Meditation that fits your lifestyle and grateful, positive thoughts daily seem to help me. I am his rock, not as a codependent but a supporter in his recovery. I cheer him on daily. But now have learned I let him fall when he fails and let the world see. I don't shield him from friends and family anymore.
Your in my thoughts, hugs.....
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