TerpGal

My A father has called me a bunch of times this week. I don't answer. All that conversation would entail is him being judgemental or worse yet, trying to use me as his own personal therapist. I do not have the time, energy, or desire to deal with that right now.

So today my brother calls which I thought was nice, I have a good relationship with my brothers and I haven't talked to C in a long time. It started off nice enough. He is trying to become a police officer in the area and we were talking about where he is in the process, etc.THEN the hammer drops, "well if you would just return dad's phone calls.........." My dad put him up to it. Probably not literally but "your sister isn't returning my phone calls". This brother is very co dependent. He is the rescuer. Has to make everything "ok". He has literally told me "it's my job to make everyone in the family happy". I don't argue that point with him anymore, it's pointless but urgh OMG! It's just really gross how much control he still has (my dad that is)

seasaw

Aw. He wants to serve and protect. What a guy. One way he can serve and protect you would be by not pressuring you to do things that make you uncomfortable! I feel for your brother... it sounds like you've come farther along than he has in terms of separating your needs and feelings from those of other people.

As far as your dad goes....

AnybodyNobody

My AM does this to me too, looks to me as her personal counselor ("I am the only one who she can be really HONEST with and I really GET her" ...except she constantly lies to me and no one can make sense of the A insanity way of thinking). It is awful when parents do this, making the children be the parents in the relationship in a way. It is a shame that your brother plays into your AF's dynamic - my sister can be the same way.


Good for you for not answering his calls and putting your energy into your own life and needs! That is what I am aiming to do more often.

fluffyflea

You aren't alone with a manipulative family.

cookiesncream

OMG I'm sorry. I know you are listening/reading the "Boundaries" books. If you had the print edition you would turn the book yellow with highlighter;-) They do sound like quite a piece of work.

fluffyflea

Sounds like things my family has done in the past.

TerpGal

Oh yes cookies. I got them both on audible and I listened to the Boundaries book first. I was practically screaming "yes, yes, YES" (no pun intended lol) while driving to work. I am sure people in other cars thought I was crazy.

What I don't get is my brothers blind loyalty to him. C far and away got the worst of the abuse from my dad. The worst verbal abuse.........none of us ever got hit EXCEPT C. I just don't get it.

cookiesncream

I'm also in Maryland and I've also been listening to them on Audible. I too have been screaming yes yes yes to like the ENTIRE books during my commute. For me though hearing that people that sometimes have problems setting boundaries can also have problems with addiction is helpful to me to understand where it all came from. Its just been sooooo hard for me to think that I suddenly developed a chemical addiction in my mid forties. It also is helping me why I've become "stuck" in my recovery. I've learned how to live without booze, and actually don't miss it all that much, but wanting to escape controlling behavior without confronting it is still a major problem for me. For me these books are helping me move forward and helping me understand why I don't resonate with many alcoholics. My "medication" was different from the friends and family side and certainly a problem which I own, but honestly the issues I'm dealing with and trying to heal from are the same as many of you. I have a very needy mother who will guilt trip you to death. I have a very hard time accepting anger without caving in. In my job as a techie I'm the lone female and I do a lot of "communication compensating" and then find myself resentful. I soooo wish I'd learned about these books soooner. I don't think I would have had an addiction problem to begin with and it would have saved me a trip to rehab and another year of just being a dry drunk.

I do apologize for taking away from your thread, just I feel your pain and I totally understand where you're coming from.


One last question... does your Dad know why you aren't taking his phone calls (you may have mentioned this and I missed it).

cookiesncream

BTW I'm also seeing a therapist for treatment of PTSD via the EMDR technique. I'm just proud that I'm coping with this now with learning how to knit instead of drinking!!!

hopeful4

Something that has taken me a long time to learn, but I have, is that just because the phone is ringing does not mean you have to answer. And just because someone, including family, wants you to do something, does not mean you have to or that it is in your best interests.

Stand your ground and take good care of YOU!

TerpGal

No, he doesn't. I know it's probably not too helpful to just cut him off and not tell him why bit I just don't know how to do it without being manipulated or guilt tripped into some long drawn out conversation or arguement.