redrose0729

Thanks I talked to his sister last night her boyfriend was an alcoholic. He died the first weekend in January and the second weekend in January my bf got put in the hospital the doctor said if he didn't quit drinking he would die at a very young age. He was joundiced when he was in the hospital and had an upper GI bleed. I am soo scared of going through the same thing that his sister went through. My children would be devastated also. I want a normal relationship and a normal life. I have allowed so many things to go on that I would have never allowed. I want to be accepted for me and not for what someone else can make me. I have allowed myself to fall away from God and I cannot do that anymore. It is time for me to take stock of my life and make some desicions on what boundries I can and cannot accept. I just wish it did not hurt so much and I wish I did not love my bf so much . But I have to realize that he is not the man he used to be and that man may not ever come back. He is nowhere near getting help and I am afraid he may not ever get help. I can't live the rest of my life this way what kind of example would that be for my kids and even though I don't feel like it right now I deserve better I guess I need to keep telling myself that. Thanks for listening I need this support right now.

shutterbug

Okay - As always, these are only my suggestions, but sweetie you sound so very much like me that I know what you are going through and it's hard to see someone go throught the same thing and knowing they don't have to feel that way. (The only real difference here is that I don't have children, but still put my "future" children as top priority when it comes to finding the right guy and in making any major future plans. I want my kids to get what I didn't - ya know.)

I too hadn't been turning to my HP for guidance or maintaining a healthy relationship with him. I too waited by the phone for an emotionally and verbally abusive man to call. I too feel like a yo-yo (especially with my new medications. LOL) And I've given to men more than I ever had to begin with and just got stepped on for it. I have always felt this void inside and I was always desperately trying to fill it. It's like a deep, dark black hole that craves love and attention from anyone in order to feel whole - yet I dispise that need for attention and affirmation. I've never been attracted to many men, but when I am, I run em' down and grab em' and try to make them fit my mold of what I think the perfect future Mr. Shutterbug should be.

But you can't fit a square peg into a round hole. It just doesn't work. If you get ahold of an Alanon "Courage to Change" book there is a good page for you to read. It's so-called "pigeon page" :-) ....well hang on, I will go get my book and type it out for you. Be right back.

Okay, in my Al-Anon home group, a long time member often shares this page as being her favorite - and for good reason. I could see myself and my alcoholic in this page (as most can too) and enjoy it's message. So I thought it was neat when she shared it as her favorite page (it's page 74 and also is the March 14 daily reading)...

——————⠀”—

"One beautiful day, a man sat down under a tree, not noticing it was full of pigeons. Shortly, the pigeons did what pigeons do best. The man shouted at the pigeons as he stormed away, resenting the pigeons as well as the offending material. But then he realized that the pigeons were merely doing what pigeons do, just because they're pigeons and not because he was there. The man learned to check the trees for pigeons before sitting down."

"Active alcoholics (anythingoholics) are people who drink (or who have an addictive disease). They don't drink because of you or me, but becae they are alcoholics. No matter what I do, I will not change this fact, not with guilt, shouting, begging, distracting, hiding money or bottles or keys, lying, threatening, or resoning. I didn't cause alcoholism. I can't control it. And I can't cure it."

"I can continue to struggle and lose. Or I can accept that I am powerless over alcohol and alcoholism and let Al-Anon help me to redirect the energy I've spent on fighting this disease into recovering form its effects."

"Today's Reminder: It's not easy to watch someone I love continue to drink, but I can do nothing to stop them. If I see how unmanageable my life has become, I can admit that I am powerless over this disease. Then I can really begin to make my life better."

"'It stands to reason that a change in us will be a force for good that will help the entire family.'" (This last sentence if from the book "How Can I Help My Children?")

——————⠀”——

I hope this helps. The best thing you can do for yourself and for your family is to take care of YOU! Waiting and worrying about an alcoholic and their actions is unhealthy and unproductive for us and doesn't help the A one bit. There were actually things I was doing before I came to Al-Anon that was helping to keep my A drinking (although I just wanted to help fix him). I didn't understand the disease and didn't know my actions were harming him or myself or others.

Not only is the program the greatest thing I have ever done for myself and my future children, but it is also the most loving thing I have EVER done for him. (A surprizing side affect is that it is literally saving my life right now and helping my family in other ways too). And I am closer to my HP than I ever have been before and can see him working daily in my life. (Wow, sometimes I forget how totally awsome it is. I never use to be able to see him working in my life and it's clear as a bell now!!)

You said, "I bend over backwards to be there for people and when I need shoulders to lean on no one wants to be there for me."

This is SOOOOOOO how I've felt my whole life, but not anymore. My Al-Anon family is full of angels that my HP puts in my path to help me when I need help (and boy have I needed it lately. And THEY HAVE BEEN THERE). I am so grateful for the program, for my life, these people who I have come to love and who love me. (And this isn't just something that is with my local chapter - People find this same comfort, help and serenity in Al-anon groups around the world!)

And I've learned this----when I have a broken back, I shouldn't be bending over backwards! I had to realize this and I am learning how not to deplete myself in my givings to others. And when my back is broken (not literally of course), I'm learning how to ask for help. What I'm finding is that help is there AND many times I don't even have to ask for it--it's offered!!!!

And that void I was talking about earlier, well with each meeting I attend and each hug I give and receive and each time I call my sponser in the middle of the night crying uncontrollably...........that black hole is being filled with love, hop and SERENITY.

So if I may offer this suggestion: The next time you are wanting him to call and he's not calling, instead of thinking about what he's doing and why he's not doing what you think he should be :-), #1 find out when and where the Al-anon meetings are in your area (there's usually several you can choose from to go to througout the week), #2 I don't know how many kids you have or how old, but the meetings only last exactly one hour long. So even if a neighor or family member could watch them, they might do it for free if they know it's just for an hour one (or a few) nights a week. Or depending on how old they are....there is also Al-Ateen (not sure of spelling), but it is for children who have a family member or friend who is an alcoholic. Maybe the Al-Ateen meeting might be in the same building during the same time as your meeting and then they could get some help too. Here's another option: If you can find a babysitter and can make it to just one Al-Anon meeting, the group will welcome you to talk to members and ask questions after the meeting and that would be a good time to talk to them about your situation with baby sitting. The group may jump at the opportunity of taking turns watching your children once or twice a week. Or many times these women are great at finding solutions to a huge variety of problems. #3 keep a list of meeting times and places in your purse, one in your car and one in your home somewhere so that you will always be able to find it when you need the help of others who know what you're going through. So many like myself felt like they were coming home for the first time as soon as they stepped into the room and still feel that. Oh and if you go and just don't like it for some reason - you don't ever have to go back. You don't ever have to do anything you don't want to. Al-anon is about you doing what is best for YOU!

If you're still reading at this point, thanks for staying with me. I just wanted you and others to know that they don't have to hurt anymore (regardless if they live with active drinking or not). Even during my toughest battles in life (like now), the members and the program bring such peace, love and hope into my life.

God Bless and I will continue to hold you in my prayers,
Jenna

P.S. I may be away from the computer for a few days, but keep me posted on how things are going. I hope this posted didn't sound pushy, that's not how it is meant.

cwohio

((rose)) - prayers are with you. what jenna posted is right on - we are no good to anyone including ourselves if we don't take care of ourselves first!!!!

((jenna)) - wonderful post to rose - i hope you are feeling better now that your meds situation is better!!!

cwohio

redrose0729

Thanks Jenna and cwohio,
That really helped and here lately I have been doing alot of soul searching and praying and realizing. I have did a major cutback on calling my A and I am no longer waiting by the phone for him I can only help myself and that is what I am going to do. I thought back on the expectations post and I am realizing that I am the only one I should expect anything from and that is what I am going to do. My car is having to go into the shop tommorrow ( my parents are having it fixed) and as soon as it is out I am really focusing on moving my life forward I have been settling in my life and letting things get in the way of what I want. I am getting off my hinney and finding a good job and taking charge of my life. I can own my own home one day and not just a trailer and I will . I have updated my resume and I am putting together a professional porfolio and I will pray for God's direction on my job search. I will take a lesser paying job for now if I have to because something is better than nothing.
I am going to try to figure out a way to go to alanon there is only one meeting a week here and it is on tues. night. 8pm and the girls are in dance untill 7:30 . My girls are ages 7 and 5. I will pray on it God will lead the way for me. I had a girls night out with a friend last night and I enjoyed it and a man there really saw right through me and told me I need to get my act together and he was right he talked to me about focusing on what I want and going for it and not let things stop me and that is what I am going to do. I have 2 kids to provide for and no one is going to do it for me I am going to do it for myself with God's help. I am greatful for what I have 2 wonderfull and healthy kids , great parents, good health, a home to live in , and a car to drive and with that I can do anything!!!! Pep talk here he he he. Thank you guys for being here and keep boosting me up when I am down I have really needed it and it helps greatly.

TinyVoice

well, it doesn't really matter WHY he says those mean things....it's more important that he does them. BUT, that said, I often observed or just kind of felt that my ASO felt a lot of shame about drinking and shame aobut his life in general. And when the shame was really great, he would lash out at me. Cut me down cause he was feeling so bad. Even knowing that though...didn't make me feel any better.

I sense a lot of negative thoughts aobut yourself in your head. You need to work on your "self-talk" I would suspect. And I highly doubt you are too rough on him. I can just sense you are a very giving person. Not demanding. Kind. Generous. I doubt you need to back off of him. But we all do need to let other people handle their own lives but set boundaries when that affects us.

Do you read any of the Melodie Beattie books?? I swear by them. I am very overweight by the way. And it impacts my self esteem a lot. My mother harps on me about my weight or used to. She's better now. But it caused a huge rift between us.

I would be concerned about the communication while he is gone. You are feeling bad about it aren't you? He is hurting you with those actions. I think he hurts you a lot. We can love someone that isn't necessarily good for us. I love my ASO very very much. Especially when he isn't drinking. But I was so miserable. I gained all my weight back that I had worked hard to lose after my divorce. I was so stressed, so overwhelmed. You know, I have a very hard time saying no. I am the ultimate caretaker and just don't ever want to make waves by saying no.

When I told him I wanted him to move out, he pressured me to have sex with him. I think he either wanted to be sure to get some before he left or by having sex I would want him back? I don't know. But I know I felt very bad afterward and I think after he fell asleep, I got up and went to the kitchen and began snacking. I felt as low as a worm. Two days later he came back to get some of his things. Again...did I want to have sex. I said NO. (shocked me!!) I told him it would make me feel bad. That I wanted to...yes. But it wasn't right. WOW!! That was an awesome feeling. 1. I recognized what I felt. 2. I expressed it. 3. I didn't back down or get talked into something I knew was wrong. All BIG TIME for me!! And I didn't overeat for two days after that!! I need to take back control of my life. Feel peaceful and happy. Not overwhelmed. Then I think my eating can be more what it should be. Just for my health. NOT to get another man. NOT to please my mom. But for ME.

huge hugs. you are an awesome person. I can tell just from a few of your posts. A person with a big heart.

redrose0729

I starting loosing weight right after my divorce the inspiration for me was if something happened to me what would happen to my girls, and for once in my life I wanted to look and feel the way I want to. The only thing his critisim does to me is make me eat more. I have had alot of time to focus on me this week and put things into perspective yeah it hurts when he doesn't call me but I cant change it when he is using he doesn't talk to anyone he shuts everyone out stays in his room and watches tv. He gets so depressed about his life he just wants to sleep all day. I understand that because I was getting the same way , now I am making myself get up and do something and it feels much better I hate wasting a day.
Yes I am a big hearted person and sometimes I think that gets me in trouble, trying to rescue a lost person and fix them and I cant do that anymore. Its ok for me to have the heart but to get so wraped up into someone elses problems that I loose sight of myself and my dreams I cant do that anymore. Right now I am feeling pretty motivated to do more for myself its not that I am as much restraining myself from him right now its just that I am taking some time just for me and reconnecting with myself and my dreams and today it hit me like a brick that I am settling for less than I am worth looking at things and saying "well I will never have that" now I am looking at things and saying " now how can I have that " and that is what I am focusing.
I want to fix me and I will and trust God that everything that is meant to be will fall in its place. If my bf is meant to be in my life then things will work out and if not then I will be ok on my own. I am putting my life in God's hands now and trying to listen to him he knows what is best better than I do. I will try to find some of those books you mentioned I love reading and I want to get back into that. Thanks for your words of understanding it really helps to know I am not alone.
Rose

cwohio

(((red))) - applause, applause!!!!!

cwohio

Magichappens

You go girl. And you aren't alone. Hugs, Magic

redrose0729

Thanks Magic and cwohio

redrose0729

Well my bf came back yesturday afternoon he was waiting on his disability check to come in so he wouldn't come without any money . He gave me what little he had. He saw the change in my attitude and told me that I looked better and even like I had lost a few pounds and something else that he just couldn't put his finger on. I just said thank you and smiled. The kids were very happy to see him they both ran and jumped in his arms and I saw his face light up . I know there will be times that he will slip and let his self down but today is good and I will accept today . I will let tommorrow come and see what happens. We have tonight alone the kids are with their father. He is outside right now working on the front deck. Keeping busy helps him not think about using so that is ok. He is more aggressive about looking for work and I am glad because I cannot stand seeing him sit on his bump. I am working on getting a job and I see that inspiring him also. I have noticed that when I pick myself up and start working on me it inspires him also and that is good. I do wish that one day that he could go back to the person who used to inspire me but I am glad that I have other resources like you guys to keep me going. I do feel that when we have more hard times that I will be better able to handle it , we will see when that time comes . But, for right now I am concentrating on me and getting my life together and making it the best I can provide for me and my children. If that future has him in it great if not then I trust God with it. Well thats all for now. Thanks my cyber family for being here I love you all and am so thankfull God lead me here.
Rose

shutterbug

Rose,

I had a very awe-inspiring response for you, but tis not meant to be for it has leaped from the very pages of my screen and disappeared for all eternity.

so here's the gist:

You are on the right road.
Don't let him vear you in the wrong direction.
You know the way to your serenity.
He may follow if he wishes or he may seek his own, but don't allow him to blow out your bridges along the way.

God Bless

P.S. Cwohio: I almost didn't recognize you girl! Did your puppy swallow the kitty?


Jenna (I guess I'm feeling a little better tonight. My moods are about as jumpy as a grasshopper on the fourth of July!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

redrose0729

Thanks Jenna
and with Gods help I wont . Last night was good and the few times he started to fuss about certian things it didn't go on long at all he saw the more positive side of me and he couldn't argue with that all he could do is respect that. It even turned him on. Tommorrow I am going to visit a church that is right close to my home I could even walk there if I wanted to . I am looking forward to it. Since I have moved the church that I am a member of is about 15 minutes away I still love it but I since the need to try this one. My dad knows the pastor and called him the other day and the pastor came out and visited me and the girls. He was very nice and I liked him and the spirit about him very much. If the weather is good I may just walk there the fresh air along with the senery during my exercise will be good. I have been doing alot of research on job interview tips and I am studying that too. I have looked up some insurance companies on the net and seen some openings I want to become a claims adjustor I have enough college to have a minor in math and physical science and I believe that job would go great with that beside the job appeals to me. I feel I will be better prepared when I go on job interviews. well I gotta get ready to go.
Rose

noifs2day

((RedRose))
What similarities, minus the kids here. Tough choices, I know. Something that helps me during stressful times me was just getting out and walking the path in the park. To watch the squirls and attempt to skip a few rocks in the river makes a difference for me. It did a few things: gave me some easy exercise to just keep my body moving, got me up and out of the house, keep my matabalism up, and cleared my mind from the excess stress. Maybe the kids could go with you. Things can always be worse, and things can always get better. We just need to accept what we can not change and have the courage to change the things we can. Take care of you and the kids. Good luck fall quarter. I am taking psycology 101 and stress management. Should be interesting.