987g

Some of you know my story, some don't. Put simply one of my life long best friends is almost 2 years sober. We are very close and I am really close to his family. But about two years ago when he first got sober, I started having feelings for him. I realize now he took advantage of that fact; he liked the attention. He also has a lot of relationship issues so this whole thing hasn't turned out too pretty.

Once again he is mad "at me." And it's either in the form of smart remarks or the silent treatment. I realize he isn't actually mad at ME, he's just taking it out on me.

This has happened before, at this same time last year. We "got over it" because I called him out on it: Are we friends or not because I'm tired of trying to be friends with someone who doesn't even seem like they like me! When I threatened to go away, he came around and gave me a line how I shouldn't put expectations on him. I just said ok and that was that. We never brought it up again but things were never really the same either. I felt it. The shift. He now has all control over me.

I realized today that I'm actually afraid of him. I'm afraid to talk to him, I'm afraid to not. I don't like interacting with mutual people in our lives because of how it might come back on me. Yes, I know this is emotional abuse. The thing is, he's not some terrible monster though. If you met him, you would think he was a nice guy.

Before you go lecturing me about how I should focus on myself and having no contact, I just want to ask you all about something considering I have known this person 20 plus years. Do you think it would do any good if I explained how it got to the point where I'm afraid of him? Like does he even realize what has happened or how his actions have helped to create this in me? Would it do any good? I'm just looking for opinions before I do or say anything. Thanks!

suki44883

987g...I know your story. I lived it. I have a dear, DEAR friend whom I have known for over 30 years who is an alcoholic. He has had periods of sobriety, but he eventually went back to drinking. We were on and off again together for about 15 of those years. Finally, I had to let go. He knows my entire family and loves both my daughters as if they were his own. He loves my mother and my mother loves him. He is a VERY good person with a heart of gold who would do anything for me or my family.

The truth, though, is that he is an alcoholic and he keeps returning to alcohol. I finally had to just stay away from him and it's been several years since I've seen him except for when his dad died and I went to the viewing. That was the first time I'd seen him in about 5 years. We haven't seen each other since, but we chat now and again online. I will always love him, but I just cannot be around him.

You cannot tell your friend anything that he doesn't already know. He knows he is an addict. As hard as it is, you have to move yourself away from him.

ForeverAlways

I used to explain things to my AH until I was blue in the face. He didn't care what I thought and it was such a waste of time on my part.

ladyscribbler

Yeah, if you could have a rational conversation with him, with no fear of repercussions, you wouldn't be having this dilemma about whether or not to try to have the conversation.
Suki is right, you can't tell him anything he doesn't already know. If he cared how you felt he wouldn't be treating you this way. His behavior is getting him everything he wants from you without any true investment on his part.
Most abusers aren't "terrible monsters" all the time. That's why we stay hooked. We hang on through the bad times waiting for the payoff.
Take care. Hope you can gain some clarity and perspective.

NWGRITS

Ted Bundy was "the nicest guy", too. Abuse is abuse, hon.

Rosalba

I've had the dilemma of whether or not I stay in contact with a friend I've known for 30+ years, having been honest with myself about how I felt in her company. It's not a pleasant experience, I feel better for having gently cut contact and, having got over the misplaced guilt, I feel mightily relieved.

I had an almost unacknowledged belief that because I'd known someone for a long time, I had some kind of duty or obligation towards them. Actually, I don't - and nor does anyone else.

Over the last couple of years, I've cut contact with all the people in my life who were draining and unpleasant to be with - and I've found they've been gradually replaced with wonderful, positive people who'd rather discuss creative projects and ideas than b***h about others, or put me down.

For me, it started with being honest with myself about what I was getting from toxic relationships - and I'd put someone I felt afraid of in this category - and none of the payoffs was positive. Having a discussion with someone in the hope they'll change their ways never, ever works; the world would be a very different place if it did.

Your 'friend' only has power over you with your consent. I totally get what you say about him coming over as a 'nice guy' - this is true of the majority of abusers and comes as no surprise.

I'm not going to lecture you about focusing on yourself and having no contact; indeed, if you do this before you're ready to, you're likely to go back to him and/or find someone else equally damaging to you. But you might ask yourself what you're really getting from this relationship, and whether that's something you really want.