knowthetriggers

Today while cleaning the back of the cabinet I find the "stash". See I knew it was a matter of to time before I would. My reaction this time is different, almost casual. I leave it exposed in its place. It is staring me in the face, I can't help but notice the package is smaller than what it used to be. My mind quickly turns to SR, what would they say?

I remind myself that my youngest DD has a guest so it is best I keep quiet. It's a good thing she does or I could have reacted in the wrong way. My HP sure does know what he is doing doesn't he? I try to release it and move on but the giggling from my DD and her friend are plucking my nerves. My AH is getting ready to leave for groceries and I have house work to do. I continue to stay quiet but feel coldness rush thru me, get a grip Triggers. I remember what has been mentioned time and again on this forum, he is sick.

Yes indeed, he is sick. I truly believe that, some may not but I do, that is how I understand this disease, yes I do believe it is a sickness and a disease.

So I have posted that he is moderating. I can count on one hand how many times he has had a beer in his hand. BUT....I also know he is a closet drinker when it comes to the liquor. I have also posted that I asked for the liquor not be in our home. Now, how long has it been there? Who knows. How long has it been since I cleaned out the back of the cabinet....a long while. My gutt tells me this is the newest hiding place but I am trying really hard not to spend too much energy on HIS problem. I realize that I have NOT set a boundary about consequences of the liquor being I the house.

I really don't think I want to talk about it. It is HIS problem. I am not crying, I am not disappointed, I am just.....numb, maybe. A "Who cares" attitude. I realize I need to be really careful here. I do not want to be the one with the negative attitude, because I always am. Since there are no Alanon meetings close enough to me today I share with all of you.

I have been keeping myself in check by reading the alcoholic forum. This keeps it real for me. They are really suffering out there and even reaching out to others does not seem to stop some of there suffering. This reminds me that my AH suffers but he chooses to avoid his issues. For whatever reason, and you know what....he is going to figure this out himself.

I pray that he can find it deep inside himself to love himself. I really do, he is such a good man. I will never understand why he chooses to suffer or what he is thinking, but for the first time in a long time I don't really care and don't want to know. That may sound cold and distant but that is where I am at the moment.

So thanks for reading and just being there. I am in a much better place today that I have been in a very long time!

Have a great day because I still plan to!

Let Go and Let God!!!!

Peace!!

CodeJob

Sigh. I don't know what to tell you. If your boundary is clearly no alcohol at home, maybe just pull it out and remind him of it as you hand it to him? But doing this without coming unglued, I really don't know if I could do that. Dumping it is pointless.

Hugs.

dandylion

knowthe triggers...perhaps you are being able to detach just a little. If you "don't really care and don't want to know". That sounds like it to me.
(between you and me...I don't believe that you don't CARE at all. You just wrote a whole page about it..lol.). BUT, maybe you do n't care enough to get your entire being into a roar and go through what you know will be needless suffering.
I would actually call that progress.....

dandylion

ladyscribbler

Well, I can't tell you what to do, obviously, but I have a lot of experience with what NOT to do. So here is a list of all the things I did with alcohol stashes that did not help.

1. Dump it.
2. Dump it and replace the booze with water.
3. Dump it and replace HALF the booze with water.
4. Hide it somewhere else
5. Drink it all to "show him how it feels" (or try to at least, the problem with that was there was a HUGE amount of cheap liquor, so I got about three drinks in and realized that was never going to work, plus I woke up with the worst sour stomach and headache ever).
6. Hold a "free booze giveaway" in the parking lot of the bar down the street. That made me very popular with the local bar patrons, but had no effect on my ex's drinking.

His dad (RA with 30 years sobriety) once came over when I was dumping a case of beer down the sink can by can and said, "Why are you dumping that? What if X wants a drink later?"

Me: "Yeah, that's why I'm dumping it."

At the time I thought his dad was the crazy one. Now I can see the AA zen wisdom of it. I guess that's progress.
Anyway, take care of yourself KTT. Build your strength, think about your boundaries. Get out to an Alanon meeting if you can. Keep posting. We're here for you.

dandylion

ladyscribbler.....I just have to insert myself here for a moment....I just cackled out so l oud that the dog looked around to see if someone else was in the room....your story about having the "alcohol give away in the parking lot of the bar"...LOL,lol...
I' STILL giggling as I am trying to type this!

Girl, I have got to give you the full 10 points for creativity.
The mean part of me says...YES



dandylion

Jane11

Ladyscribbler, ditto to what dandylion said, the situations we endure here aren't a laughing matter but when I come across something that can put a more lighthearted spin on a situation and I laugh out loud it is a wonderful feeling, especially on a down day- so thank you for sharing.

Knowthetriggers, I'm not really sure what to advise you as I have never been in that exact situation- yes I've found hidden bottles in axbf's presence but in the moment he seemed so embarrassed I didn't actually say anything, I've also seen the empty bottles and cans out in the open and on the other hand he seemed so blazay about it "oh I need to clean those" that I also didn't know what to say! It's a tough situation, I'm sorry.

redatlanta

knowthetriggers - Congrats on not freaking out that is tremendous progress!

I think you and AH are in limbo land on his drinking. You know that leaving a beer out to go flat, or sucking on it for a long time are just manipulations for you NOT to know how much and what he is really drinking right?

I'm glad he hasn't fallen down the rabbit hole like he once did, not yet anyway.

Your story is one to me of a relationship based on "exchange", I drink a beer - BUT I also go to the grocery store. I got buzzed at Christmas BUT I also am a good dad. I hide liquor I am consuming, and lying about it, and promising not to have any in the house, BUT I think daily about getting help, I discuss the problem with you, and I am not abusive. Boy, this is a mind screw.

Here is my advice take it or leave here.

YOU need to decide if you can live with his drinking. The whole moderation think with beer is a derision to not address the above statement. Can you live with things as is inclusive of his drinking liquor? If you can as status quo then lay your boundary down as no more hiding alcohol. If his behavior gets out of hand then another plan would need to be put in place.

If you cannot deal with the possibilities of where he can end up and the anxiety you live with because of it, then you need to start laying down boundaries. "Neither me or the children will be around you when consuming alcohol. There will be no more alcohol in this house. If you choose to drink you will do it outside of our home and find another place to stay I will not be around you if you have been drinking whether it one beer or a quart of vodka.. If you continue to hide things from me it will be detrimental to our marriage I will not live with a liar". Or "I am not going to live with your addiction any longer, done with it".

knowthetriggers

Yeah Dandy, I care but I will not ruin my day worrying about it.

Red...you bring a good point about exchange. This has always been our relationship so to me,it was the norm. I know there is no such thing as normal. A lot of what you say are the words I think in my head. I guess I am just not be ready to say them yet, still finding courage. My hope is to one day have the courage to say them and when I do, be just as calm about it as I was when I saw the stash.

Guess what?? I left for an appointment, when I came home all groceries were in the cabinet and I did NOT even go look to see if it is still there. That is huge progress for me!!

knowthetriggers

Did I set a boundary? I don't feel like I did. I like your suggestions but honestly, I am not up to talking about it. **sigh**

gettingstronger

Knowthetriggers, I think you did great keeping yourself in check, knowing your DD and friend were in the house. I feel badly for the times I went off on my husband when my kids were in earshot.

You now, this wasn't in the owner's manual when I got married -- what to do when you find your A's booze stash. We have no info to go on. But I think you're doing well. I still feel blind-sided when I find something inadvertently, and will need to calm myself.

Ladyscribbler, maybe what you did didn't help your A, but you must have had immense satisfaction at the time.

TalenCrowhaven

Super Glue the lid on.

ladyscribbler

Why didn't I think of that? LOL!

knowthetriggers

That is hilarious!!!!

LemonGirl

Hahaha!! Where's my popcorn?

LexieCat

Back when I was still drinking and hiding my booze (my personal favorite was to stash a half pint bottle between the trash can and the liner in my home office), the guy I lived with (who was no prize, but not an alcoholic) would mess with me by moving it or throwing it out without saying anything. I'd go a little bonkers trying to figure out if I'd put it somewhere else.

It's funny now, of course....

knowthetriggers

Yeah, done that a few times myself. He just buys more. I don't have the want to even try to move it...

LexieCat

Oh, it didn't stop me, either. But I did find it rather unsettling, and I was in roughly equal parts embarrassed, annoyed, and horrified at my own actions. But it took quite a while before I was ready to throw in the towel.

gettingstronger

Back in the days when I was searching for bottles, I always wanted to move them just a little bit, like under a different pile of clothes on the closet shelf, or to a different drawer, or behind the hamper, instead of inside of it. I wanted to do this to make him feel like he might be losing his mind. I know, not very nice of me.

cookiesncream

I'm sorry but all I can do is laugh. It may be gallows humor but thinking back, if I spent half as much time working on tackling the issues that were triggering the drinking rather than coming up with creative hiding places for the stash, the whole addiction wouldn't have gotten so out of hand. For me it became kind of a sick game of trying to outsmart my spouse. Shortly after I quit drinking I fessed up to all the places I hid booze. I think I amazed even him with some of my creativity. My personal favorite was to transfer wine into an empty soda bottle and toss it out into the weeds. Coke and red wine look amazingly similar from a distance. Given the fact I'm a gardener it was not unusual for me to be poking around shrubs. When hubbie heard about that one he just threw up his hands. Nope that was one he'd never caught onto.

That said I am sorry. This phase you're in of the closet alcoholic is hard. I know it was hard on my husband and I'm not proud of what I put him through.

Peace,

Cookies

knowthetriggers

Cookiesandcream....My AH used to take his gallons of vodka and transfer them into water bottles. His cover was blown when our oldest DD was only three and asked for a sip, of course he wouldn't give it to her. I was blindsided, couldn't believe he would do something like that. I mean to me that was pretty cleaver I would have never thought of it for sure, but I am not the A.

It opened my eyes that all this time he was drinking liquor and not water. A water bottle still triggers those memories till this day!