I'm afraid I am starting to believe him.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Refiner 
Why not just tell the truth and what's really going on and tell him you're happy right now? And by the way, you don't Need to do ANYTHING just bc he wants to. Give it a full year or something bc with that many texts a day I can guarantee that much more will be revealed between now and next September.
I know I made the right choice and that all those illusions I had about keeping the family together and living happily ever after were just that, illusions.
He is doing fine without me. He found a caretaker and they have their own life which revolves around his disease.
The kids and I are thriving without him. We have our own lives which don't revolve around anyone's disease.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Mmmm yeah I don't think I would take the bait on this. Alcohol I still really important to this person.
You are happy why take two steps forward and ten steps back? If its meant to be then who knows maybe in a couple of years if he really embraces recovery and really gets sober........perhaps. But by then you will have met the man of your dreams, or life of your dreams, and wouldn't take him back anyway LOL.
You are happy why take two steps forward and ten steps back? If its meant to be then who knows maybe in a couple of years if he really embraces recovery and really gets sober........perhaps. But by then you will have met the man of your dreams, or life of your dreams, and wouldn't take him back anyway LOL.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by myfreedom
Kids and I left AH back in September. We are all doing good, everyone is happy. BUT........ AH still drinks only not nearly as much. He has made some changes (I think). His whole outlook just seems so different. He says he realizes everything he did to his family and he is sooo sorry. He wants to be the man that I deserve, the kids deserve. He is ready to put everything behind us and start a brand new life with no heartaches, give me the world, show the kids what a happy, loving family is. He texts me 20 -40 times a day with his love stories. Alot of times, i do not respond. He is trying so hard to convince me that things are going to be the way I have always wanted. I can feel myself slowly starting to believe. I have been fine this whole time, haven't missed him, thought about us or nothing. I was moving on. Something is pulling at me and I do not want that to happen again. I am happy with my life right now. He is still full of **** after 6 months of this behavior, or is he really sincere this time?
I can totally related to the way you are feeling. It bites! You have gotten some pretty good comments from some very wise folks, at the end of the day it is your choice.
Most important, remember to put YOUR needs and those kids FIRST.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Kids and I left AH back in September. We are all doing good, everyone is happy.
Making me feel guilty that I am throwing away a perfect chance for us to be a family again?????
first, there is no perfect anything.......
second, you HAVE a happy family right now - right in front on you!!! You and the kids, doing well AND happy. why is that not enough?
Making me feel guilty that I am throwing away a perfect chance for us to be a family again?????
first, there is no perfect anything.......
second, you HAVE a happy family right now - right in front on you!!! You and the kids, doing well AND happy. why is that not enough?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I understand that you may feel lonely, but what about the children? How were they affected before? You can be certain that if you move back in together his old behavior will resume and, over time, get worse (alcoholism is a progressive disease). Understand that alcoholics can't control their drinking without total abstinence over a long period of time. There is no "drinking less" for an alcoholic. So it comes down to exposing your children to an active alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Kids are happy and do not want any kind of reconciliation. My daughter has started counseling. She has had a rough time since starting middle school. I do not want to go back. He just gets to me and tries to make me think that we HAVE to fix things. That is just has to be that way and there is no other way. After awhile it wears me down.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
When my partner is drinking less, but still drinking, he is usually ALOT more affectionate and future-trippy.
Maybe your guy is the same? If he's still drinking, he's still under the influence and is likely feeling all softened up by the alcohol.
I understand wanting what he is offering, but why not accept it only on your terms? SOBER. At least 6 months sober.
Maybe your guy is the same? If he's still drinking, he's still under the influence and is likely feeling all softened up by the alcohol.
I understand wanting what he is offering, but why not accept it only on your terms? SOBER. At least 6 months sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Have u thought about trying marriage counseling? If you left in Sept and are sure you dont want to go back, then maybe you could use it to bring closure for both sides and move into divorce. Or, maybe having a neutral person could help you both dig deep and determine if there is a desire to reconcile hidden behind pain and fear. My husband and I used it to work on things after his addiction. Not much to lose by giving it a try and if hes willing to do anything, there u go.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
Methinks I hear a giant, manipulative sucking sound coming from your A.
The best thing I can recommend is to tell him he needs to be working a program with a sponser and be sober for a year before you will discuss anything face-to-face or over the phone with him, outside of emergencies regarding the kids of course.
Sticking to written communicationon and only communicating about the children will help you spot the manipulation in any correspondence and keep him from messing with your head.
Nothing better to get an addict or a personality disordered person to show their true colors and intent than to set a boundary, tell them "no", or put their issues back into their lap.
The best thing I can recommend is to tell him he needs to be working a program with a sponser and be sober for a year before you will discuss anything face-to-face or over the phone with him, outside of emergencies regarding the kids of course.
Sticking to written communicationon and only communicating about the children will help you spot the manipulation in any correspondence and keep him from messing with your head.
Nothing better to get an addict or a personality disordered person to show their true colors and intent than to set a boundary, tell them "no", or put their issues back into their lap.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
He believes that things will be so much better between us and we will be so happy that having a few beers won't even matter because he will be the happiest man on this earth to have his family whole. Well that might be ok with him, but it is not with me. Over the weekend he had the kids, they were at friends and he had I guess maybe 4 beers, he has a breathalyzer in his truck so one of the kids had to blow in it for him. That makes me soooooo angry that he would make his children have to do that. My daughter has actually been staying with him the last two weeks. I just don't think he will ever get it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Maybe not, but meanwhile you are taking care of your kids and yourself.
That isn't an alcoholic's future-tripping.
You are building a stable happy home for your kids right now.
He can't offer that while drinking, however much it is.
That's the bottom line, isn't it?
P.S. Him driving your kids unable to pass a breathalizer is really symbolic of the whole thing.
Your children pay the price. They were at risk in a vehicle with him yesterday.
His judgement is not to be relied upon for anything, quite obviously.
That isn't an alcoholic's future-tripping.
You are building a stable happy home for your kids right now.
He can't offer that while drinking, however much it is.
That's the bottom line, isn't it?
P.S. Him driving your kids unable to pass a breathalizer is really symbolic of the whole thing.
Your children pay the price. They were at risk in a vehicle with him yesterday.
His judgement is not to be relied upon for anything, quite obviously.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
myfreedom....of course he doesn't get it. He may never get it.
Stop listening to him and stop believing him. He doesn't drink because of the "unhappy" marriage...He drinks because he is an alcoholic. The next drink is the top priority..not you or the kids...nor, himself, even!
dandylion
Stop listening to him and stop believing him. He doesn't drink because of the "unhappy" marriage...He drinks because he is an alcoholic. The next drink is the top priority..not you or the kids...nor, himself, even!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
He is on his best behavior just as people are when they court each other. Routine will set in, and you'll be right back where you were. You absolutely want that family...it's not an irrational need. But is he the one to give that to you? He's still drinking...he's sucking you back in...and what do you have to gain from it? Think of your kids' emotional and panicked reaction in the moment you tell them you're all going back...think of their faces, their minds being shaped by all this, their reliance on you to help them because they can't help themselves...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
I will not go back to that insanity. I just can't let him keep getting to me. And no I will not put my kids thru that again. They do not deserve that. Wish my daughter wouldn't want to be with him right now, I don't expect it to last to much longer. She just started middle school and is going thru alot of changes right now. She started counseling and her dr started her on low dose of zoloft because she started with anxiety attacks. I suffer from them as well for almost 15 yrs.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
my freedom....I suggest this. Stop discussing it with him all together.
End the conversation immediately if he starts to pester you about it. Have a couple of statements that END the conversation.
It is up to you to draw the boundaries. Not him.....
He sounds like the little kid that keeps begging mom for a cookie until she is exhausted and finally gives in to shut him up.
You need to start growing a thick rhino skin.....
dandylion
End the conversation immediately if he starts to pester you about it. Have a couple of statements that END the conversation.
It is up to you to draw the boundaries. Not him.....
He sounds like the little kid that keeps begging mom for a cookie until she is exhausted and finally gives in to shut him up.
You need to start growing a thick rhino skin.....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Do you have a custody/visitation order? I would inform the court that he is having the kids blow into his Interlock device. Did he drive with them after that? Even if he didn't, he is making the kids accomplices in a criminal act.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
If it were me, I would be going to court to stop his having the kids unsupervised.
Having his daughter blow in the car breathalyzer is insane, not to mention it being a criminal offence.
Protect your kids, NOW. Stop him from ever seeing them without a court appointed guardian. You can request an emergency order right now based on that action alone. Your daughter will have to tell the court what he did.
I'm just furious at this.
Having his daughter blow in the car breathalyzer is insane, not to mention it being a criminal offence.
Protect your kids, NOW. Stop him from ever seeing them without a court appointed guardian. You can request an emergency order right now based on that action alone. Your daughter will have to tell the court what he did.
I'm just furious at this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
You KNOW about h having a CHILD blow for him and you did not report it???? That's criminal on you if you did nothing about this! Just file for a divorce already and quit stringing everybody along! No one but him wants to get back together. And with an ultimatum of get sober for whatever X amount of time won't do a thing for him. He has ZERO desire to stop drinking - why don't you just believe him and stop living in fantasy land? I sure hope you keep track of things like him not being able to refrain for even a freaking day, having his OWN CHILD, blow, then drive them around after drinking for your custody negotiations when you file, good LORD!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Maybe you're the proverbial frog in the boiling pot and don't see how insane this situation is and what danger your kids are in with him but I hope you someday soon will see it and take some action instead of sitting back and watching him doing these things and stringing every one along by doing so. This is so triggering me stepping off this thread NOW.
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