Thomas45

I'm mainly just thinking out loud here, but I felt really good today. Saturday I was having a bit of a lonely day so I walked around a nearby lake and took scenic pictures, Sunday I went ice skating for the first time in something like 11 years, and today I did a gym-and-swim after work. Woke up this morning feeling... well, as close to 'normal' as I've felt in a long time.

I really like being able to go out and do things that I want to do. I really like not having to nurse my AXW back to health every Saturday and Sunday morning following regularly scheduled nights of heavy drinking. I like not feeling guilty about leaving her on the living room sofa with her hangover to go do something fun on a weekend morning. And I like not having to wait up until 2 or 3 in the morning for her to call me to pick her up from the club/casino/friend's house. I'm getting to bed at around 9-10pm on weekends, and it feels so nice waking up and feeling rested.

I was reading dearme's post "why is he fine?" yesterday and had a minor epiphany about it today, as her post relates somewhat to my situation as well. I would think about my AXW and her new boyfriend, and thoughts would pop in to my head along the lines of "what if they work out when she didn't want to work things out with me" or "what if they end up getting happily married" or "what if she ends up having a kid with this guy when we tried unsuccessfully for 4 years?"

I saw the other posts saying, "well, I can promise you that everything isn't okay with them" and while it offered some minor comfort, the lingering thoughts were still there.

And then it hit me. "Why do I even care?" No, seriously.

Not to disparage or disregard all the good times that we had in our relationship, but frankly the relationship is over. It's done, whatever the reasons. Whether she's happy, or sad, or married, or single, or running away with the circus has nothing to do with me, because "we" don't exist any more. "I" exist now, and the reality of the situation is that the only way she can cause any more pain to me is if I break my "no contact" boundary and allow her back in to my life.

I'm not responsible for her happiness, and she's not responsible for mine. I have no business giving her that power over me... my happiness doesn't (and shouldn't!) belong in anyone's hands but my own. If she's out partying every night and somehow truly enjoying her life, there is really no legitimate reason for me to bring myself down over it because at the end of the day, I just need to be happy with who I am.

Maybe this is part of "getting my power back", maybe this is just part of a cycle of ups and downs that I'll go through in the weeks or months to come. But I wanted to write this down so that I could reference it later in case I'm feeling down again.

Katchie

While nothing about what you are experiencing is easy, you sound grounded and well. Congrats on that. This doesn't mean you won't still have days that are rough, but you are moving in a good and healthy direction.

Hugs

lillamy

Great stuff, Thomas.

I also think that the more you rediscover who you are, what you like, what you don't, what makes you happy and what doesn't, the ex and her doings become less and less interesting.

And hey -- what if you end up being much happier without her than with her? That's a much more interesting possibility to investigate...

FeelingGreat

Hi Tom, good to hear you're dong well and gaining some perspective.

dandylion

Thom....the best is yet to come.

dandylion

NWGRITS

Coming from the perspective of an adult child of an alcoholic mother, be grateful that you didn't have children with her. The life for that child would be miserable, and then there you are wondering if she's capable of caring for said child. Then, when you divorced, knowing she'd likely get primary custody and spending all of your days worrying if the child is ok, or trying to fight a backwards court system for custody and proving she's unfit to be a parent. Yes, be grateful. You have the whole world at your feet and so many opportunities to be happy and live the life you deserve. Go out and get it.

FireSprite

GREAT update, GREAT post, SO happy for you! That sounds like such an important awareness to make to be able to keep moving forward in your recovery. Way to go!!!

lizatola

Thanks so much for sharing that positive perspective. I have been out of the marital home for 10 days now but it feels like months, lol. Peaceful nights, not getting woken up at 2 AM by a drunk cooking in the kitchen or doing whatever pleases them, has been serenity inducing for me.

As others have said: the best is yet to come! I went and got a pedicure on Saturday and then had lunch with friends and didn't have a worry or a care about what my STBXAH is or isn't doing and now I'm getting ready to go on a midweek hike. Life is good. Sending you support and sunshine from cheery Phoenix, AZ today!!!

HollyC88

Tom love this post as I'm dealing with the same everyday struggles. Love your positive energy and will look back to this if I'm feeling down. Thank you

Kboys

Thanks Thomas! Great post.
I really want to get to this point.
I have better days and not so great days to, but I can't say I have ever really been to the point where I just don't care anymore, and don't let those feelings get to me like, "what if he makes it work with another woman? What if he's happier and stays sober without me? What if people think he's the one that left me?"
My AH isn't drinking, but our relationship is not healthy, and we both know it's over... but we are lingering. I just still can't stand the thought of him moving on with someone else...
BUT, I REALLY want to have that "normal" feeling you talk about. I want to be "me" again. I don't think I can do that with him.

Anyway, I'm sorry to use your positive post to whine

Hope things continue on the uphill climb for you!!!

lizatola

Hugs, Kboys....I think you will get there over time. I'm at the point where I want him to find another woman. Let her deal with his issues. And, as to what other people think; I think he's going around telling everyone a different story. His tennis buddies: he left me because it was a loveless marriage and I was cheating on him (I never did, but that's his story) and to the women he meets; I left him heartbroken and sad. Oh, and I realized he tells people who know me all of this and I've already had reports back o confirm this. I'm at the point where I don't give it any thought. People will form their own opinions and I'm too busy living life to really care what they think.

Kboys

Thanks Liz
I guess I just need to give it more time... I have a lot of good days, where I feel like I'm getting stronger, taking care of myself and getting more ready to move forward... and then other days, like today, I feel like I'm still right back where I was six months ago, frustrated, needy and pathetic, and beaten down.
But I fantasize every day about doing the simple things I used to do, and feeling that "normal, back to me" feeling. I don't think I can have that if I'm still with AH... I know it's time... I'm just feeling so stuck right now.

Thomas45

Thanks for your feedback guys. Like I said there's up and down days, but that thought/feeling has stayed with me through today as well, which I'm thankful for.

I can definitely relate to that. The story I got from my ex was completely different than the story that she told her friends, and both stories were entirely unrelated to the conversation we had about her not keeping promises/responsibilities, which is what led her to leave me in the first place. I wouldn't be surprised if she came up with a different story to her new boyfriend, as well.

Slothy

Thanks for the wonderful post Thomas! You have a great grounded perspective and it is so helpful to you as you muddle through and others as we muddle through as well! Thanks again...HUGS

Spacegoat

Hi Thomas. I read your post last night and it brought back a lot of painful memories for me.

I was trapped in an 'uncertain' situation like that for 3 full years no less, it was the worst thing I ever experienced man.

The good news is it sounds like you have turned the corner with your recent epiphany, you are on your way so keep moving forward now.