Confused
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Manchester
Posts: 19
Confused
Hey,
Im new to all this. This is just my second post. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He stopped drinking 3 years and 4 months ago.
I have known him for ten years, we have been in a relationship since he began his recovery. I have to say that he has always treated me well and he has never ever been nasty or abusive.
A year into his recovery he had a blip and drank a glass of wine. He recognised this as a big problem, sought help and got back on track. We were happy as could be since then. We got married just before xmas.
5 days ago he drank again. He is now on Antabuse so it made him really sick. He says he does not know why he did it. It was probably due to a few different factors, stress building up, stressful jobs etc. Anyway, the Antabuse stopped him drinking more, and he says the way it made him feel has made sure he won't drink again.
Since then he has started taking campral, sought help from the doctors and I guess doing all the right things. He is a lot better in himself and seems to be doing really well.
Despite all this I feel down. I guess I'm disappointed and don't understand. It's been a wake up call for me and I now realise that this could happen again and I'm worried. I'm worrying about something that hasn't happened yet and may not happen. I can't seem to shake it. I guess I feel like I've always got to be the strong one and shoulder more stress than him as he doesn't deal with it well.
I love him and he is a great husband, I just don't know why I'm feeling like this ......
Im new to all this. This is just my second post. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He stopped drinking 3 years and 4 months ago.
I have known him for ten years, we have been in a relationship since he began his recovery. I have to say that he has always treated me well and he has never ever been nasty or abusive.
A year into his recovery he had a blip and drank a glass of wine. He recognised this as a big problem, sought help and got back on track. We were happy as could be since then. We got married just before xmas.
5 days ago he drank again. He is now on Antabuse so it made him really sick. He says he does not know why he did it. It was probably due to a few different factors, stress building up, stressful jobs etc. Anyway, the Antabuse stopped him drinking more, and he says the way it made him feel has made sure he won't drink again.
Since then he has started taking campral, sought help from the doctors and I guess doing all the right things. He is a lot better in himself and seems to be doing really well.
Despite all this I feel down. I guess I'm disappointed and don't understand. It's been a wake up call for me and I now realise that this could happen again and I'm worried. I'm worrying about something that hasn't happened yet and may not happen. I can't seem to shake it. I guess I feel like I've always got to be the strong one and shoulder more stress than him as he doesn't deal with it well.
I love him and he is a great husband, I just don't know why I'm feeling like this ......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Good morning Lily,
Below is a link to a recovering A who looks at the scientific information out there on addiction. I am linking an article specifically on stress. However, he also has good articles on emotional issues too.
stress relief | The Alcoholics Guide to Alcoholism
In my experience, at 22 mo sober my RAH will short circuit with too much stress. So I try to stop my codependent freak outs so we can get on the path to clear thinking all the quicker. That is all I can control - my head.
So you mention you are worried about the unknown. Have you considered checking out Al Anon? It might be a good chance to learn some stress and detachment skills for your own well being.
Below is a link to a recovering A who looks at the scientific information out there on addiction. I am linking an article specifically on stress. However, he also has good articles on emotional issues too.
stress relief | The Alcoholics Guide to Alcoholism
In my experience, at 22 mo sober my RAH will short circuit with too much stress. So I try to stop my codependent freak outs so we can get on the path to clear thinking all the quicker. That is all I can control - my head.
So you mention you are worried about the unknown. Have you considered checking out Al Anon? It might be a good chance to learn some stress and detachment skills for your own well being.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Manchester
Posts: 19
Hey CodeJob,
Thanks for your reply, it was very helpful. I will look into those articles.
I guess I am scared of the unknown. I should also mention I'm extremely proud of how far he has come and what he has achieved.
He doesn't want to drink and does not want to relapse. He recognises this and quickly puts things into place to try and stop this happening. I think the problem is, he has pretty much gone it alone since the first few months of quitting.
This has worked for him until recently. I think it's just knocked me for 6 as he has always been so strong. Albeit he doesn't seem to handle stress well.
I do my best to take away a lot of the stressful things for him, but then I worry I'm doing too much and will make him feel like he has no control. I guess it's all about balance.
I'm a very black or white person. I like to know answers, I don't like the fear of the unknown. This is something I need to work on.
Thanks again for your reply
Thanks for your reply, it was very helpful. I will look into those articles.
I guess I am scared of the unknown. I should also mention I'm extremely proud of how far he has come and what he has achieved.
He doesn't want to drink and does not want to relapse. He recognises this and quickly puts things into place to try and stop this happening. I think the problem is, he has pretty much gone it alone since the first few months of quitting.
This has worked for him until recently. I think it's just knocked me for 6 as he has always been so strong. Albeit he doesn't seem to handle stress well.
I do my best to take away a lot of the stressful things for him, but then I worry I'm doing too much and will make him feel like he has no control. I guess it's all about balance.
I'm a very black or white person. I like to know answers, I don't like the fear of the unknown. This is something I need to work on.
Thanks again for your reply
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Lily,
My quote on the bottom of my signature used to be ,"Worrying is like praying for what you don't want." I found it buried in the Anxiety section here I think.
Take the energy you have worrying about the unknown and apply it in a more favorable way. Whether it is praying, meditation, exercising, or reading up on alcoholism. It doesn't hurt to study up on your 'enemy.'
In regards to what you perceive in your mostly R -AH, there are studies showing that a peer-based recovery (and 12 steps) can be excellent avenues to help them learn how building a social network of support can help offset stress and maturation of poor emotional skill sets. (This is on the same link above)
If I was to assume one thing from your posts, I think you are hinting that the relationship is emotionally unbalanced in that you are his sole support. The man needs some friends or experts - some that get his struggle.
I recently told my H the very same thing. I've told him he needs some friends. He thinks I am an idiot for suggesting the obvious. Oh well. When he tells me he wishes he could have a beer and I freak out on him, it's not like I didn't warn him.
Because to me, beer is the enemy. His little love affair with a sea of beer is still playing out almost 2 years sober. I do not have to be his everything. He can get a counselor, a friend, a sponsor, or a regular meeting. Heck he could get a sober coach or a life coach! It does NOT all have to rest on MY shoulders. He doesn't get it and I'm not really sure our marital counselor does either. But you know what, I am right. I don't have to be his EVERYTHING.
My quote on the bottom of my signature used to be ,"Worrying is like praying for what you don't want." I found it buried in the Anxiety section here I think.
Take the energy you have worrying about the unknown and apply it in a more favorable way. Whether it is praying, meditation, exercising, or reading up on alcoholism. It doesn't hurt to study up on your 'enemy.'
In regards to what you perceive in your mostly R -AH, there are studies showing that a peer-based recovery (and 12 steps) can be excellent avenues to help them learn how building a social network of support can help offset stress and maturation of poor emotional skill sets. (This is on the same link above)
If I was to assume one thing from your posts, I think you are hinting that the relationship is emotionally unbalanced in that you are his sole support. The man needs some friends or experts - some that get his struggle.
I recently told my H the very same thing. I've told him he needs some friends. He thinks I am an idiot for suggesting the obvious. Oh well. When he tells me he wishes he could have a beer and I freak out on him, it's not like I didn't warn him.
Because to me, beer is the enemy. His little love affair with a sea of beer is still playing out almost 2 years sober. I do not have to be his everything. He can get a counselor, a friend, a sponsor, or a regular meeting. Heck he could get a sober coach or a life coach! It does NOT all have to rest on MY shoulders. He doesn't get it and I'm not really sure our marital counselor does either. But you know what, I am right. I don't have to be his EVERYTHING.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Manchester
Posts: 19
Thanks again CodeJob,
It's nice to know I'm not the only one. He does have friends, some good ones at that. It's difficult for him to see them often as when we are not working we have his children.
It's a little crazy for us, as we work together, live together, go to the gym together. Ha
I guess I just need to relax and stop worrying. I will do some research into things that can help him. He's not sold on the 12 steps as he is not religious at all. I'm thinking there must be other things out there.
I hope you're finding a balance with your husband as well.
Thanks again
It's nice to know I'm not the only one. He does have friends, some good ones at that. It's difficult for him to see them often as when we are not working we have his children.
It's a little crazy for us, as we work together, live together, go to the gym together. Ha
I guess I just need to relax and stop worrying. I will do some research into things that can help him. He's not sold on the 12 steps as he is not religious at all. I'm thinking there must be other things out there.
I hope you're finding a balance with your husband as well.
Thanks again
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The 12 Steps have nothing to do with religion. Yes, there is a reference to "God" (defined as a Higher Power--which does not have to be a deity). Many agnostic/atheist AAs use the power of the universe or even the AA group itself as a 'Higher Power". There is also talk of meditation and prayer, which again, does not have to involve belief in a deity. Buddhism is an a-theistic religion that strongly supports a meditation practice.
The "spiritual awakening" referred to in the Big Book is defined in the Appendix as "a change in personality sufficient to recover from alcoholism."
There are tons of agnostic/atheist AAs out there. Most of them don't wear it on their sleeves at meetings. It works for them as well as it does for people who ARE "religious".
The "spiritual awakening" referred to in the Big Book is defined in the Appendix as "a change in personality sufficient to recover from alcoholism."
There are tons of agnostic/atheist AAs out there. Most of them don't wear it on their sleeves at meetings. It works for them as well as it does for people who ARE "religious".
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You might want to suggest that he pick up the book, "One Breath at a Time" by Kevin Griffin. He's a practicing Buddhist and the book is about incorporating the 12 Steps through a Buddhist perspective. I'm not a practicing Buddhist, but many of the concepts and principles of Buddhism are very appealing to me, and that book was VERY helpful to me, and to others I know, when I was newly sober.
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