mnh1982

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but I would have straight up had him removed. Called the cops, either contacted the landlord or had the locks changed myself, the whole nine yards.

That is absolutely inexcusable. And the mere fact that he's allowed to continue having contact with those babies or living in your house is enabling.

Sorry...but the thought of a poor baby going through that enrages me...

theuncertainty

I'm so, so sorry for what you and your kids and mother have been through. How absolutely terrifying. A lot of good pointers here already. Your question was if any one had come up with a functional custody arrangement. Here's my experience:

AXH was verbally, sexually and emotionally abusive towards me. I'd always thought it was just me, but I remember a few times of him just screaming and screaming at itty-bitty DS for knocking over his glass of "water" (vodka) which had been left on the floor (so I wouldn't see it on the coffee table). DS was just learning to walk. DS was 3 when I finally left and 6 when I finally filed for divorce. So he was a little older than your children.

For Interim Custody, I asked for sole legal and primary physical custody, and weekly visits for DS and AXH on Sunday from lunch to afternoon. He couldn't drink before or when he had DS. What was awarded was overnight visits supervised by AXH's father or sister Sat. AM to Sun. PM, every other weekend.

What the arrangement looked like after the final divorce and custody hearing was a bit different. I was awarded sole legal and primary physical custody. AXH got Sat. AM to Sun. PM 2 of every 3 weekends and Sunday afternoon on the 3rd weekend. (So father weekend, father weekend, mother 'weekend', repeat) Visits were supervised by his sister, father or girlfriend. The supervisors were to report any drinking or abusive behavior to the court.

None of the supervisors did, but the GF filed for a protective order against AXH and kicked him out. So _I_ went back to court. AXH has since lost any visitation rights until HE goes back to the court to say what he's done to take care of his drinking and abusive behavior issues.

The thing to keep in mind when working on your proposed custody arrangements is what is best for the children. Ask for exactly what you want, and know what you're willing to negotiate on. If what is necessary to protect your children now, while they're younger, is very restrictive of their time with their father, it might help to acknowledge in the proposed agreement that it can be revisited if he does x, y, z (successfully completes a batters intervention program, rehab, etc.) or the children reach school age. A lawyer can help line out what the options are and provide information on what the court is likely to do, what your next steps would then be, etc.

Sending hugs and wishing you continued strength.

pinkpeony

IMO, This is abusive behavior, not just aggressive.

As in, he is abusing your children.

Take action quickly. If it comes to light with CPS and you haven't done anything to protect the child(ren) they may find you as much to blame as him.
This can all get scarey serious very quickly.

Please take action.

hopeful4

This, lawyer up, and document EVERY SINGLE THING.

XXX

Sikofit

"Much of his atrocious behavior occurs while he sober because he is "stressed" and fed up."

I agree with all above, but I think many missed this statement. If he acts horribly when he's sober, what good will it do to have restrictions about him drinking while having the kids? It sounds like he should never be unsupervised.

theuncertainty

I disagree. I don't think any one is missing that the atrocious behavior occurs. It seems like everyone is expressing concern about his behavior and providing information about custody arrangements in that light, rather than limiting it to his drinking. I apologize if my post seemed like AXH's supervised visitation arrangements were only due to his drinking. He lost all visitation rights because of his abusive behavior.

I forgot to mention in my earlier post, but like Hopeful mentioned, documenting all of the times that AXH was abusive towards me, raged at DS, all of the times AXH was drunk around DS, etc. was important. AXH tried to play it off that neither his drinking or raging at me ever impacted DS, when in fact, it very much did.

HealingWillCome

Children are our greatest gift and our greatest responsibility. They must be your priority. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself if he were granted any form of custody and something awful were to happen to them while in his care.

There is no grey area here; he is horrifically abusive. Your beautiful babies need for you to be their all-in, game-on, fierce and ferocious defender. I will pray for clarity and strength for you in all of this, and that you find the right lawyer to handle your case. Huge hugs to you, SwiftHeart. I know you're hurting and bewildered by all of this right now. Stay strong. You can get through this.

Mango blast

SwiftHeart, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

If you haven't contacted a Domestic Violence Center, please consider calling and/or going to one as soon as possible. They care and understand. They can help.

If you can't find a local center, call the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support