Francesca44

This is my first time posting, and although I'm a bit nervous, I'm looking for insight. I feel alone and without any perspective.

My relationship with the alcoholic in my life began 2 years ago. He had only been sober for 4 months. I was aware that he'd made a decision to not drink, but he didn't share the severity of the problem (and I didn't push, figured it would come out in time) until over a year into our relationship. I have always been supportive of his attending meetings and not drinking isn't an issue for me.

We've had a wonderful, amazingly close friendship/relationship for 2 solid years. We had excellent communication and always talked through things without blame or fear. Our relationship was long distance and we'd only see one another a couple of times a month for long weekends...sometimes for a week at a time. But this worked for us, we learned to not take one another for granted. We knew eventually we'd be together. Completely secure with one another.

3 weeks ago today, he changed...he shut down, stopped talking, told me he doesn't love me....says he can't understand why he is angry and anxious....told me that I'd done nothing...He even went on to say he wished there was something to pinpoint or blame his feelings on. Since then, I've heard nothing from him. I'm sad, shut out and scared...I attend Al Anon, which helps but this silence is eating me up emotionally and physically...

I do know through friends that he's been out a lot, keeping busy, social events...but no word.

Any idea what's up or help is welcomed...

thanks

biminiblue

Only he can answer that.

Take care of yourself. Sounds like something is definitely up - prepare yourself.

Jupiters

yup - just focus on YOU and taking care of YOU.
More will be revealed. People don't just flip the switch like that unless something's going on.
Sorry

CodeJob

I'm sorry he dumped you like that Francesca.

I'd let him go, particularly since he stopped communicating.

KKE

Was this all just completely out of the blue or was there any sort of build up or trigger?

The silent treatment is just nasty. I know it's easier said than done (and I rarely managed it) but take care of yourself.

marie1960

Well you can sit around and second guess this till the cows come home, or you can accept his words at face value , and difficult as it maybe, get back to living your life.

Maybe he fell off the wagon, maybe he met someone else, maybe he is struggling with his sobriety, maybe he decided this wasn't the relationship he was searching for, doesn't really matter, as he pretty much told you goodbye.

Alcoholic or not, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time, save alot of heartache.

I am sorry he has treated you in this manner, I understand how hurtful it is to be discarded like this too.

Take care of you.

Thomas45

There are so many unknowns in this situation, there could be so many possibilities as to why he stopped talking to you. Only he knows for sure why he made that move.

It could be related to or completely unrelated to alcohol. He could have relapsed and felt guilty about it. It could be that he is going through the personality changes that happen in the initial stages of sobriety. It could be depression. If he's been on any kind of medication, mood and personality changes can be a realistic side effect. He could be losing sleep over daily stresses in his routine. There's no way to know for sure unless he opens up to you.

Unless and until he opens up to you, the best that you can do is love yourself and carry on one step at a time.

Thomas45

VERY true.

Francesca44

Thx all...True words but still so hard to take.
KKE...yes, completely out of blue n unexpexted.

ruthhoney

Francesca, I totally understand what you are feeling now. The RA in my life disappeared out of blue many times. Most times he relapsed. He never said goodbye or anything. Not like what your be told you. He basically always told me how much he cared about me and then he siddenly disappeared. It's hard. Feels like someone just went missing. No closure. But I guess no matter the reason won't comfort you. We have to come to terms with the fact that we have no control over others and he can do whatever he decides to do. But we can contro how we react. By all means, your happiness shouldn't be based on whatever he is doing.focus on you! Easier said than done. We need encouragement

FeelingGreat

Hi Fran, how devastating for you. A couple of thoughts occurred. I hope this isn't an unfair generalisation, but I've never seen a man leave suddenly like that unless they had someone to go to. Might be wrong, but don't be surprised if another woman comes out of the wood-work after a safe time. Which would be ok, in the sense that you'd know why, but they seem to always lie about it. (My BIL came up with so many reasons why he left my sister, but we all knew there was someone else, sure enough, there was). Made me wonder why he didn't just say.

The other thought is that he's relapsed and doesn't want to maintain contact because it wouldn't take you long to work it out if you spoke to him.

What the others have said is sensible and true, but if it happened to me I'd want to know why as well. If you have mutual friends, you'll probably find out in time. Just try not to obsess about it, or stop yourself moving on.

Francesca44

Ruth honey n feelinggreat...same thoughts but it's so nice to not be alone tonight...ty..ty ty so much. Btw, as we spent 2 yrs together we allowed one another to share our locations via gps on google+. I let him know a few days ago I could still see him...didn't want to he covert. But last few days straight from work to a bar restaurant til late. . I don't wanna second guess, when in doubt dont...but...

NWGRITS

Relapse is very common. Long-term sobriety is not the norm. It's very possible that he has fallen of the wagon and doesn't want to drag you down with him. Or he met someone else and that's their "spot". Either way, I'd consider it a favor that he broke it off instead of stringing you along. Being in a relationship with an active A is hell on earth. You dodged a bullet. Become comfortable being with yourself. Go do things you enjoy - maybe take up a new hobby, read books in the bathtub while you eat bonbons. Whatever makes you happy. You only have to spend 24 hours a day with yourself, so learning to love that person is a great place to start healing.

irisgardens

Tend to agree with feelinggreat and ruthhoney...my 40 year husband (heavy drinker since age 16--now 63) came back from 7 months in his home country (so america) very changed...he was supposed to come back in 2 although he was never very realistic...i could tell immediately--this was end november...it is very tricky now...but I am pretty sure it was another woman and had one validation (which is amazing...as the culture tends to be very passive aggressive and hiding things)--he told me the same things your partner told you...I was very sick and depressed...but am feeling better now...and moving forward...it is truly the only way...there have been other bad times...but this was different...very much like 'over'...he even said 'we can be friends'...not sure what planet he is living on...it will take me a while to walk through this...but I know the direction I am walking.

alybally

I keep hearing the same words in al anon...your happiness shouldn't be based on you, but let's all be realistic here. We are human and we are not immune to external forces by any means. Our happiness is obviously going to be affected when we are hurt by someone. I can relate to Francesca and my lord this guy has traumatized her. His behavior is not normal and so typical of an addict. It would be normal to reel from something like this. It has happened to me and even if I were the healthiest person mentally, I couldn't wake up the next day, paint a smile on and sing "my happiness comes only from within!". That is where I get annoyed with al anon. It's unrealistic to a certain degree.

Liveitwell

^^ I do have to agree with you to an extent. I got some stuff out of alanon but it really wasn't a good fit for me. Celebrate Recovery seemed to fit better.

alybally

Fourourgirls you seem like you're on the same plane with me. I feel so alone and distraught some days that this website helps immensely. I'm still wrapping my head around how we could go from being so in love to slowly the disease taking over and just enveloping him and changing his personality 180 degrees. Ugh, someone shoot me.

amy55

amharter, anyone would be hurt by this behavior. This behavior with just shutting someone out is the worst. It's the "silent treatment". It can make you question if you even exist or should even exist.

I also don't think that alanon suggests just shrugging this off. I think if you decide to leave with things like this, then you have to. If you don't want to live that way, you don't have to.

alybally

The silent treatment is classified by mental health professionals as emotionally abusive behavior and can almost be as bad as physical abuse.

alybally

One more thought... The way that my xabf ended things makes me angry. He knew getting into the relationship that I'd been in a long relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (diagnosed). That my "people meter" was broken and that I was trying to be careful and find a healthy relationship this time. So he promised to never intentionally hurt me, note the word "intentionally". He played the healthy boyfriend part for a while and then just said what the hell and let it rip. I call that the bait and switch!