How to Tell if a Codependent is Serious About Recovery (repost from archives)
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How to Tell if a Codependent is Serious About Recovery (repost from archives)
I don't ever remember reading this gem originally posted by Ann. I found it this morning in the archives & thought it was worth sharing! 
How to Tell if a Codependent is Serious About Recovery
1. On their own, they will educate themselves about the disease of addiction.
2. They will read everything they can on enabling, codependency, boundaries, and abuse.
3. They will actually attend meetings instead of coming up with a list of excuses why they can’t.
4. They will get a sponsor - the toughest one they can find -- who will bring them to understand that they are powerless over others, and that nothing they do or say will make an addict use or not use drugs.
5. They will start saying nice and good things about the meetings that they are attending -- not complaining. They will not be embarrassed to be there.
6. They will no longer be in denial, thinking they are different, their addicted loved one is different, or together they are different. They also will not feel the need to be defensive when others say something that hits a nerve- they will just take what they need and leave the rest.
7. They will no longer look for proof of drug use by checking phone records, questioning friends and family, following, going thru pockets or wallets.
8. They will no longer feel the need to give the “report of the day” on what the addict is doing/not doing, saying/not saying.
9. You will see the beginnings of them practicing self-care: eating well, sleeping soundly, exercising, relaxing, going out with friends and family, having fun.
10. They will actually talk "recovery," not just vent about the addicts activities.
11. On their own, they will avoid the people, places and things that involve abuse, unacceptable behavior, drugs or illegal activities.
12. Manipulation will continue, probably, but it will be must less pronounced as they become more aware that the techniques of guilt, anger, hurt, resentment are feelings that they ALLOW and are only harming themselves.
13. Others will probably comment to you, out of the blue, that they notice a change in you, that you no longer need validation from others, that you seem more self-confident, that your happiness is no longer dependent on others.
How to Tell if a Codependent is Serious About Recovery
1. On their own, they will educate themselves about the disease of addiction.
2. They will read everything they can on enabling, codependency, boundaries, and abuse.
3. They will actually attend meetings instead of coming up with a list of excuses why they can’t.
4. They will get a sponsor - the toughest one they can find -- who will bring them to understand that they are powerless over others, and that nothing they do or say will make an addict use or not use drugs.
5. They will start saying nice and good things about the meetings that they are attending -- not complaining. They will not be embarrassed to be there.
6. They will no longer be in denial, thinking they are different, their addicted loved one is different, or together they are different. They also will not feel the need to be defensive when others say something that hits a nerve- they will just take what they need and leave the rest.
7. They will no longer look for proof of drug use by checking phone records, questioning friends and family, following, going thru pockets or wallets.
8. They will no longer feel the need to give the “report of the day” on what the addict is doing/not doing, saying/not saying.
9. You will see the beginnings of them practicing self-care: eating well, sleeping soundly, exercising, relaxing, going out with friends and family, having fun.
10. They will actually talk "recovery," not just vent about the addicts activities.
11. On their own, they will avoid the people, places and things that involve abuse, unacceptable behavior, drugs or illegal activities.
12. Manipulation will continue, probably, but it will be must less pronounced as they become more aware that the techniques of guilt, anger, hurt, resentment are feelings that they ALLOW and are only harming themselves.
13. Others will probably comment to you, out of the blue, that they notice a change in you, that you no longer need validation from others, that you seem more self-confident, that your happiness is no longer dependent on others.
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I like this and I can honestly say that I have done a lot of those-- so it makes me feel proud-- I can look back on my threads and see where I was totally giving a complete account of ALL HIS behavior-- but couldn't say what the hell I was doing-- except for maybe if I wasn't so bad, he would love me...yada yada....
This feels good! Thanks
This feels good! Thanks
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Originally Posted by cookiesncream 
I guess it would make ME sound co-dependent if I were to judge my s/o's codependency recovery progress huh? Sorry bad attempt at humor;-)
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Originally Posted by cookiesncream
I guess it would make ME sound co-dependent if I were to judge my s/o's codependency recovery progress huh? Sorry bad attempt at humor;-)
Thanks for posting this FS!
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Well I HAVE made cookies a number of times and sent them with him to Al-Anon meetings does that count? He is a very avid Al-Anoner. I have found an online womens group for sobriety that does the trick on that front. Recently taught myself how to knit and each time some codie behavior drives me nuts I go hang out with the local knitters and teach myself new stitches. Overall a much healthier strategy on my part:-)
Didn't mean to hijack this thread btw. Breaking dysfunctional habits is hard to do regardless of which side of the fence you are on and I applaud all of you.
Peace,
Cookies
Didn't mean to hijack this thread btw. Breaking dysfunctional habits is hard to do regardless of which side of the fence you are on and I applaud all of you.
Peace,
Cookies
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Awesome! Makes me feel good! I haven't done ala non or sponsers either simply because well, I just don't feel the need. Thinking about it though... maybe this weekend.
And 6? I think I still struggle with that a bit in wanting to be understood; online and writing can cause a lot of miscommunication at times. And 7, I don't think I really worked that one; I just flat out avoided it :-0
And 6? I think I still struggle with that a bit in wanting to be understood; online and writing can cause a lot of miscommunication at times. And 7, I don't think I really worked that one; I just flat out avoided it :-0
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I think I am doing somewhat better focusing on myself but I don't think 12 step groups are Tue end all be all. I understand a lot of people find them helpful but trust me, I have been to tons upon tons of meetings and for me, 12 stepping is not particularly helpful. What is helpful for me right now is to have a damn good individual therapist that knows addictions.
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~~bumping~~ because firebolt talked about this is another thread & it is just one of those pieces that you can't read TOO much.
FB!
When I revisit this list at different times throughout my recovery, it's amazing to see how much more dimensional & dynamic these growth points become for me. In the first reading/1st year I had one set of definitions for these things (like self-care) and as I've grown, those definitions have grown too.
In the beginning, taking time for myself to do anything more than what was necessary was a hard sell - but I could concede that caring for my health made sense so I got caught up on my check ups and supplements etc. Every layer I put into place becomes like a small step that I stand on to reach the next. 50 Steps later, things look VERY different than they did in those earliest days, but none of it happened overnight or in one, simple dramatic move.
FB!When I revisit this list at different times throughout my recovery, it's amazing to see how much more dimensional & dynamic these growth points become for me. In the first reading/1st year I had one set of definitions for these things (like self-care) and as I've grown, those definitions have grown too.
In the beginning, taking time for myself to do anything more than what was necessary was a hard sell - but I could concede that caring for my health made sense so I got caught up on my check ups and supplements etc. Every layer I put into place becomes like a small step that I stand on to reach the next. 50 Steps later, things look VERY different than they did in those earliest days, but none of it happened overnight or in one, simple dramatic move.
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Bumping this one after re-reading it today because I am struggling SO hard with my codie family. I welcome any & all advice because this I am starting to resemble this guy ----> 
a bit too much.
I definitely see the growth in myself as I read through this list. My problem is #11:
Pretty straight-forward & I have no issue with it - but the Unrecovering Codies in my life DO have a BIG issue with me changing the dance steps and no longer accepting their poor behavior, blameshifting, etc. The push back is worse than anything I had to deal with via RAH because they are just so wounded & victimized & don't even themselves "acting out".
They don't see their own behavior clearly at ALL & it's not up to me to point it out to them or strong arm them into recovery. In the case of my mom & sister - they are long past actively dealing with any addiction but that doesn't stop them from carrying that ever-increasing dysfunction around.
How do I nicely say, this is where we are until you decide to become a different person? Ok, kidding. Kind of. Maybe.
a bit too much.I definitely see the growth in myself as I read through this list. My problem is #11:
Originally Posted by FireSprite
11. On their own, they will avoid the people, places and things that involve abuse, unacceptable behavior, drugs or illegal activities.
They don't see their own behavior clearly at ALL & it's not up to me to point it out to them or strong arm them into recovery. In the case of my mom & sister - they are long past actively dealing with any addiction but that doesn't stop them from carrying that ever-increasing dysfunction around.
How do I nicely say, this is where we are until you decide to become a different person? Ok, kidding. Kind of. Maybe.
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familial stuff is the hardest to either overcome or just plain ole accept, in my book. sometimes the best and only sane option is to continue to limit contact until your craze-o-meter drops back to zero.
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I lean toward that same thought process Anvil. And apparently, my silence is alternately Judgment or Anger... neither of which is true. I think that's where I tend to lose my cool a bit - defending myself against these assumptions. Truth be told, I also get a little peeved off that all of my great personal growth is so offensive to those around me because they still have expectations tied to the Old Me. That's where I have more room to grow, for sure.
I was pretty blown back today when a simple interaction with my sister turned into an all-out texting war full of projection & rampant miscommunication. I was engaged before I even realized what was happening so I had to work hard to detach & examine the interaction more closely. I felt the pull to fall back into old behavior & that deep Codie anxiety feeling (you know the one - it affects your heart rate, nerves, digestion, sleep).... so I put myself in Time Out for about 2 hours, lol. My codie-enmeshment is far more difficult with my FOO than RAH, a much more ingrained set of habits.
Ugh, just not what I wanted to deal with today. Had to go back to some basics like the OP in this thread & have a Stuart Smalley moment - I'm good enough, smart enough & doggone it! People like me!
I was pretty blown back today when a simple interaction with my sister turned into an all-out texting war full of projection & rampant miscommunication. I was engaged before I even realized what was happening so I had to work hard to detach & examine the interaction more closely. I felt the pull to fall back into old behavior & that deep Codie anxiety feeling (you know the one - it affects your heart rate, nerves, digestion, sleep).... so I put myself in Time Out for about 2 hours, lol. My codie-enmeshment is far more difficult with my FOO than RAH, a much more ingrained set of habits.
Ugh, just not what I wanted to deal with today. Had to go back to some basics like the OP in this thread & have a Stuart Smalley moment - I'm good enough, smart enough & doggone it! People like me!
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