The Language of Letting Go, Feb. 12
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The Language of Letting Go, Feb. 12
FEBRUARY 12
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Letting Go of Those Not in Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of Higher Power, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between those on the other side and us. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I'm meant to be.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Letting Go of Those Not in Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of Higher Power, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between those on the other side and us. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I'm meant to be.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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This duplicates the message I got in counseling last night.
RAH tried to accuse me of controlling him. But he could not name one instance of me actually doing it. He tried to insist I was impatient, but I was able to say this has been a problem for 22 months and yet here I sat with him on the couch. He tried to blame me for dragging him in to counselor, but I matter of factly replied he dismisses my needs and opinions so this venue allows me to be heard. We had also agreed as a couple to return early in 2015 to review our progress, so it was an expected event - particularly since NOTHING happened. Mr. T took it from there. Rehashed the intimacy issue and what H was going to do about it. Let him choose his path and Then enforced my suggestion of a timeline for action.
If my H does not act, well then he has stayed on that dark side of the bridge on his own accord.
RAH tried to accuse me of controlling him. But he could not name one instance of me actually doing it. He tried to insist I was impatient, but I was able to say this has been a problem for 22 months and yet here I sat with him on the couch. He tried to blame me for dragging him in to counselor, but I matter of factly replied he dismisses my needs and opinions so this venue allows me to be heard. We had also agreed as a couple to return early in 2015 to review our progress, so it was an expected event - particularly since NOTHING happened. Mr. T took it from there. Rehashed the intimacy issue and what H was going to do about it. Let him choose his path and Then enforced my suggestion of a timeline for action.
If my H does not act, well then he has stayed on that dark side of the bridge on his own accord.
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Posts: 5,103
I saw these two quotes and the first reminds me of my early recovery and the second one seems to fit where I am today.
I like to burn my bridges while I'm still standing on them so people know I'm serious about my crazy.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
I like to burn my bridges while I'm still standing on them so people know I'm serious about my crazy.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
This passage resonates with me every time I read it & it's timely for me this week especially. (Isn't it always though??) I've really been struggling with my judgmental anger toward my (non-A) MIL.
THANK YOU!!
THANK YOU!!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I've come back and read this a few times. It is so very true. To me, the bridge symbolizes letting go of control over my husband and his addiction. Crossing it means I've let it go, that I have surrendered that only God can help my husband change, and the only thing I can change is myself -- thus having crossed to the other side as a sacrifice of surrendering myself to my Creator in all things.
Thanks for the wonderful post. It really has my mind working in a positive direction today.
Thanks for the wonderful post. It really has my mind working in a positive direction today.
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When I first came here, I used that exact same imagery in a post, that I felt as if I was standing on a cliff and it kept crumbling back under me, a little at a time. Little did I know that there was a bridge that would take me to a much better place!
I am only weeks from my divorce court date, which I have every reason to believe will be the first and last time in court. It's winter, it's cold, it's screaming windy, I'm scared, I'm lonesome, I'm tired...but thanks to that bridge, I am also hopeful. I know that spring is just around the corner, and it will be a whole new world from the one I knew 2 years ago.
This was a great and very timely reading today.
I am only weeks from my divorce court date, which I have every reason to believe will be the first and last time in court. It's winter, it's cold, it's screaming windy, I'm scared, I'm lonesome, I'm tired...but thanks to that bridge, I am also hopeful. I know that spring is just around the corner, and it will be a whole new world from the one I knew 2 years ago.
This was a great and very timely reading today.
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