They just can't apologize can they??
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Pink....building on what missfixit is getting at....what if he NEVER takes it to a dealership?
I don't think he would if his motivation (as you said) was to keep you there?
That wouldn't make much sense for him to help you.
I doubt that he is going to help you....as ass-zzzz as he is....I think you may have to face that fact. You will have to help yourself, in the end.
You are going to have to think outside of the box and find the people who will help you. They are out there. You have just not identified them......
dandylion
I don't think he would if his motivation (as you said) was to keep you there?
That wouldn't make much sense for him to help you.
I doubt that he is going to help you....as ass-zzzz as he is....I think you may have to face that fact. You will have to help yourself, in the end.
You are going to have to think outside of the box and find the people who will help you. They are out there. You have just not identified them......
dandylion
When he's drunk and mad he wants me gone, asap.
But I don't believe he truly wants me to leave.
So, I think he's dragging his feet on fixing my car. But at the same time he's having a really hard time handling everything financially without me working and he NEEDS me to be working and have an income. But at the same time I think he KNOWS that if the car is fixed, then I'm that much closer to leaving. Because the past month or so, I've been different and I think he realizes that, that I am going and not looking back this time. I think he can feel that I am done for good by how I act and react to him.
I think right now, he doesn't have the money to take it to a dealership.
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pink....have you ever thought of panhandling? I am serious. I have known of people to do just that...because they were desperate. It DID bring in the money.
I agree with you...now that he suspects that you might leave..I don't think he is going to make it easy by helping you do that.....
It will be up to you, in the end.....
dandylion
I agree with you...now that he suspects that you might leave..I don't think he is going to make it easy by helping you do that.....
It will be up to you, in the end.....
dandylion
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pink, didn't you mention somewhere you have grown children? It seems it's just this one daughter still living with you? Can't one or more of your adult children help out you and their sister? Help get the car fixed or take in you and/or your daughter temporarily?
Maybe not, I expect if they could they already would have but if there are multiple adult children... just perhaps they could help.
Maybe not, I expect if they could they already would have but if there are multiple adult children... just perhaps they could help.
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Location: Kentucky
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Originally Posted by maia1234
Have you ever sat down and talked to your daughter. I know she is living your hell but ask her what she thinks. Ask her if she has any ideas or suggestions.
Is there a local church that you can reach out to. "In Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless," There is a solution, we just don't know what that is yet. We are not giving up hope that you can get out of there Pink!!!
Is there a local church that you can reach out to. "In Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless," There is a solution, we just don't know what that is yet. We are not giving up hope that you can get out of there Pink!!!
But then the parents said no.
I'm going to start calling churches, but as I explained in another post, the churches are kind of stingy with their help if you're not a member.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
pink....have you ever thought of panhandling? I am serious. I have known of people to do just that...because they were desperate. It DID bring in the money.
I agree with you...now that he suspects that you might leave..I don't think he is going to make it easy by helping you do that.....
It will be up to you, in the end.....
dandylion
I agree with you...now that he suspects that you might leave..I don't think he is going to make it easy by helping you do that.....
It will be up to you, in the end.....
dandylion
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Pink....then become a MEMBER! Churches love nothing more than a new convert.
dandylion
***Pink, you told me once, that he would give you rides into town, on occasion.
Tell him that you are doing cold calls to get some kind of job...after he leaves...then go to "work"...(wink).
dandylion
***Pink, you told me once, that he would give you rides into town, on occasion.
Tell him that you are doing cold calls to get some kind of job...after he leaves...then go to "work"...(wink).
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Originally Posted by 53500
pink, didn't you mention somewhere you have grown children? It seems it's just this one daughter still living with you? Can't one or more of your adult children help out you and their sister? Help get the car fixed or take in you and/or your daughter temporarily?
Maybe not, I expect if they could they already would have but if there are multiple adult children... just perhaps they could help.
Maybe not, I expect if they could they already would have but if there are multiple adult children... just perhaps they could help.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Pink....then become a MEMBER! Churches love nothing more than a new convert.
dandylion
***Pink, you told me once, that he would give you rides into town, on occasion.
Tell him that you are doing cold calls to get some kind of job...after he leaves...then go to "work"...(wink).
dandylion
***Pink, you told me once, that he would give you rides into town, on occasion.
Tell him that you are doing cold calls to get some kind of job...after he leaves...then go to "work"...(wink).
My car getting fixed is the key to everything!!!
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Pink...I have NEVER, ever known of a church that would not arrange for transportation, on Sunday....if you let them know that y ou need a ride.....
dandylion
***once it gets around a church about the conditions that you are living in...people fall all over themselves to help you.
dandylion
***once it gets around a church about the conditions that you are living in...people fall all over themselves to help you.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Pink...I have NEVER, ever known of a church that would not arrange for transportation, on Sunday....if you let them know that y ou need a ride.....
dandylion
***once it gets around a church about the conditions that you are living in...people fall all over themselves to help you.
dandylion
***once it gets around a church about the conditions that you are living in...people fall all over themselves to help you.
Okay, will call!
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Originally Posted by pinkpeony
My car getting fixed is the key to everything!!!
getting YOUR MIND unstuck from the belief a car has ANYTHING to do with your situation is the key to everything ( . . . . !!! . . . , if needed.
)But you will figure this out.
Yunno Step 1? It is just about exactly where YOU are, right now.
The Steps Bus ALWAYS is right on time and ALWAYS going in the Right Direction.
Hop on. You know the driver? Don't worry, we will comp the fare.
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So, I'm mainly commenting again to document.
AH woke up from a nap and came up behind me and started to get all frisky, trying to kiss me, saying "I do love you," ect....
When I refused his advances I said "do you remember all of the verbal & emotionally abuse things that you've been saying to me lately when you've been drunk?" He claims he remembers "the mean things I've said to you."
I tell him its not just saying mean things, it's abuse. And I say, "well then why would you think I'd want to be intimate with you after all of that?" And of course, he turns it back onto me by saying "You haven't wanted to have sex with me for 10 years" and I'm thinking "Well, duh! Do you ever wonder why?"
So then he leaves the room and comes back in and walks by with me a smurk on his face and shaking his head as he goes to walk out the door to the back porch. I ask him whats funny. He says "you just say funny things sometimes." I ask him what I've said that is funny and he can't/won't answer.
So a while goes by and he apologizes for acting that way (being mean when he's drunk) And says "I'm sorry for treating you badly, you deserve to be treated better than that. You deserve to be treated better than you treat others even."
Every. single. thing. he. has. to. turn. around. to. me.
Instead of objectively looking at his own actions.
So, I basically just listen and don't engage with what he's saying, things like "luckily for you, you wont have to worry about me much longer" and things like that.
Then he apologizes again and says: "Imagine what it feels like, imagine what it feels like to be a monster, to become a monster."
So I say, alcoholism is a progressive disease, you are getting worse with this disease, it's progressing and it's going to continue to do so. So do something to help yourself" And he says "oh, I am, I am...." in a weird voice and then walks out of the house, gets in the car and drives away.
AH woke up from a nap and came up behind me and started to get all frisky, trying to kiss me, saying "I do love you," ect....
When I refused his advances I said "do you remember all of the verbal & emotionally abuse things that you've been saying to me lately when you've been drunk?" He claims he remembers "the mean things I've said to you."
I tell him its not just saying mean things, it's abuse. And I say, "well then why would you think I'd want to be intimate with you after all of that?" And of course, he turns it back onto me by saying "You haven't wanted to have sex with me for 10 years" and I'm thinking "Well, duh! Do you ever wonder why?"
So then he leaves the room and comes back in and walks by with me a smurk on his face and shaking his head as he goes to walk out the door to the back porch. I ask him whats funny. He says "you just say funny things sometimes." I ask him what I've said that is funny and he can't/won't answer.
So a while goes by and he apologizes for acting that way (being mean when he's drunk) And says "I'm sorry for treating you badly, you deserve to be treated better than that. You deserve to be treated better than you treat others even."
Every. single. thing. he. has. to. turn. around. to. me.
Instead of objectively looking at his own actions.
So, I basically just listen and don't engage with what he's saying, things like "luckily for you, you wont have to worry about me much longer" and things like that.
Then he apologizes again and says: "Imagine what it feels like, imagine what it feels like to be a monster, to become a monster."
So I say, alcoholism is a progressive disease, you are getting worse with this disease, it's progressing and it's going to continue to do so. So do something to help yourself" And he says "oh, I am, I am...." in a weird voice and then walks out of the house, gets in the car and drives away.
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Omg mine used to say the same thing, "Make sure you post it on fb for your fan club." Ugh I'm so sorry you're going through this. He desecrated the marital vows long ago on top of all the mental abuse and anguish you've suffered at the hands of him.
I'd be helping pack his bags.
I'd be helping pack his bags.
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I wouldn't put it past this guy to deliberately disable the car in some way to keep you from being mobile. I've seen abusers do all kinds of things, including substituting caffeine pills for a victim's blood pressure medications to keep her sick.
Here's what I would do, if I were in your situation. Get a protective order to get him out of the house--he can stay with his disabled son if he needs a place to live. Ask the court to award you the car (yes, the court has the power to do something like that). As you noted, he drives a company car for work. He can figure out some way to get to work if he needs to--ask a coworker to pick him up, take a bus, ride a bicycle. Apply for every form of public assistance you can possibly get--energy assistance, food stamps, TANF, etc. Work with the advocate at the shelter (you can get advocate services even if you aren't staying there, I'm betting--or they should refer you to a local problem that can help) to help you get back on your feet again.
If you are waiting for that car to be fixed, you could be in this miserable situation for a LONG time.
Here's what I would do, if I were in your situation. Get a protective order to get him out of the house--he can stay with his disabled son if he needs a place to live. Ask the court to award you the car (yes, the court has the power to do something like that). As you noted, he drives a company car for work. He can figure out some way to get to work if he needs to--ask a coworker to pick him up, take a bus, ride a bicycle. Apply for every form of public assistance you can possibly get--energy assistance, food stamps, TANF, etc. Work with the advocate at the shelter (you can get advocate services even if you aren't staying there, I'm betting--or they should refer you to a local problem that can help) to help you get back on your feet again.
If you are waiting for that car to be fixed, you could be in this miserable situation for a LONG time.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Hello all. I am New here and need to find out if MY thinking is stinking or if I did the right thing. I am really depressed, I asked my EX-A to move out the 1st of DEC. I got tired of the BS I was putting up with because even though he was in recovery ( he hadn't been to a meeting in 19 months or touched his BB in that long or longer) and usually his behavior was explosive, he would get mad at me for the smallest things, such as if we were" talking" It mainly consisted of him orating and me listening, If I asked a question or made any kind of comment at all he would blow up and accuse me of being disrespectful and interrupting. There were other incidents too, like taking his anger out on vehicles ( well my vehicle) he would never in a million years do that to his, I had become sick and tired of everything that was going on and during our last argument he got really nasty and I told him if he didn't like it he could pack his "stuff" and get the "eff" out. Not my finest moment but I was totally exhausted from his crazy making behaviors'. I had finally gotten to the end of my rope. WE have tried several times to have discussions about our relationship, I once asked him where he saw us in 30 days, I needed to get a feel for where his head was without pressuring him ( I do love him, I have loved him for 34 years). His response was that he couldn't think about anything more than 24 hours in advance, ( I get the whole 1 day at a time BUT was that a valid response, or was he just trying to shine me on in hopes I would sleep with him so he didn't have to go through all the machinations of dating to get sex( believe me sex is a BIG part of what he lives for) at any rate, our last big blow up came when I basically told him to stop playing push me pull me, yes I want you no I don't, He would call to ask for a favor and then not call for days on end to even say hello. ( that isn't okay in my book if you really want a relationship) I was starting to feel used by him not loved, started to seem like every single time we talked about anything other than him we had a blowup. I finally told him that I needed to know if he really wanted to work on the relationship or not. That either we truly worked at it or he let me go so I could move on with my life, and get beyond him, He said he wanted to be friends, and I said that I was unable to do that because I couldn't do the in between thing. He threw a tantrum and left, and I haven't spoken to him since. It's been really hard. I love him, I have tried to call a couple of times and He hit ignore on the phone ( VM after 2 rings equals he hit ignore) not to ask him to come home or anything, but I needed a phone number he had. At this point I am hurt, confused and angry.
My son and I call it making love to his butt hurt when he acts like this. He turns his tender emotions and feelings off at the drop of a hat, IF he ever had any in the first place all I get is angry Jerk. I am really struggling with being in the same town with him, I just want to RUN for the hills. AM I wrong to feel this way?
My son and I call it making love to his butt hurt when he acts like this. He turns his tender emotions and feelings off at the drop of a hat, IF he ever had any in the first place all I get is angry Jerk. I am really struggling with being in the same town with him, I just want to RUN for the hills. AM I wrong to feel this way?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by LadyWitch
Hello all. I am New here and need to find out if MY thinking is stinking or if I did the right thing. I am really depressed, I asked my EX-A to move out the 1st of DEC. I got tired of the BS I was putting up with because even though he was in recovery ( he hadn't been to a meeting in 19 months or touched his BB in that long or longer) and usually his behavior was explosive, he would get mad at me for the smallest things, such as if we were" talking" It mainly consisted of him orating and me listening, If I asked a question or made any kind of comment at all he would blow up and accuse me of being disrespectful and interrupting. There were other incidents too, like taking his anger out on vehicles ( well my vehicle) he would never in a million years do that to his, I had become sick and tired of everything that was going on and during our last argument he got really nasty and I told him if he didn't like it he could pack his "stuff" and get the "eff" out. Not my finest moment but I was totally exhausted from his crazy making behaviors'. I had finally gotten to the end of my rope. WE have tried several times to have discussions about our relationship, I once asked him where he saw us in 30 days, I needed to get a feel for where his head was without pressuring him ( I do love him, I have loved him for 34 years). His response was that he couldn't think about anything more than 24 hours in advance, ( I get the whole 1 day at a time BUT was that a valid response, or was he just trying to shine me on in hopes I would sleep with him so he didn't have to go through all the machinations of dating to get sex( believe me sex is a BIG part of what he lives for) at any rate, our last big blow up came when I basically told him to stop playing push me pull me, yes I want you no I don't, He would call to ask for a favor and then not call for days on end to even say hello. ( that isn't okay in my book if you really want a relationship) I was starting to feel used by him not loved, started to seem like every single time we talked about anything other than him we had a blowup. I finally told him that I needed to know if he really wanted to work on the relationship or not. That either we truly worked at it or he let me go so I could move on with my life, and get beyond him, He said he wanted to be friends, and I said that I was unable to do that because I couldn't do the in between thing. He threw a tantrum and left, and I haven't spoken to him since. It's been really hard. I love him, I have tried to call a couple of times and He hit ignore on the phone ( VM after 2 rings equals he hit ignore) not to ask him to come home or anything, but I needed a phone number he had. At this point I am hurt, confused and angry.
My son and I call it making love to his butt hurt when he acts like this. He turns his tender emotions and feelings off at the drop of a hat, IF he ever had any in the first place all I get is angry Jerk. I am really struggling with being in the same town with him, I just want to RUN for the hills. AM I wrong to feel this way?
My son and I call it making love to his butt hurt when he acts like this. He turns his tender emotions and feelings off at the drop of a hat, IF he ever had any in the first place all I get is angry Jerk. I am really struggling with being in the same town with him, I just want to RUN for the hills. AM I wrong to feel this way?
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